Chapter 18: Thoughts

[Wednesday July 3rd, 2013]

How was I supposed to know that both BamBam and Youngjae would come today?  Their timing is incredible.  One shows up at my door, and a few seconds later, the other one is here too.  It's already hard enough handling them when they're separated; imagine the struggle when they are in the same room... alone.  When they came in, they immediately began an argument.  After I was able to stop their little fight, I decide leaving the room for a bit, to see what happens to them.  I tell them that I'll get them some snacks, but I actually hide to listen to a possible conversation.  After a few minutes, BamBam starts in a quiet voice.

- "Do you really think Yunhee still loves you as much as she did before you left?"

- "Of course she does. Why wouldn't she?" Youngjae scoffs.

- "You already know that Yunhee likes me, hyung," BamBam answers.

- "... So what?"

- "If Yunhee started liking me while you were gone, logically, that would mean she lost interest in you, enough to start liking someone else," BamBam continues.

- "That doesn't mean anything. You're just a crush. You'll fade away easily. Yunhee and I had an actual strong friendship before we started liking each other. Our bond is stronger than you think. Yunhee still loves me as much as she did before," Youngjae says.

- "Ah ye, 'cause you're her best friend... Yeah, that just proves my point. Don't you see? She pities you because of your friendship. You still love her, but she feels bad because she doesn't love you as much anymore."

- "Whoa, hold on. She feels bad because, when you came into the picture, you made her break our promise. Not because she loves me less. If it weren't for you, we'd be together."

- "You're blaming me? You should blame yourself. You're the one who left her behind."

- "... Kid… you better shut your mouth or else I'll do it for you," Youngjae threatened.

- "See? You didn't say anything back because you know I'm right,"

- "I'm being serious. You better shut up."

- "And I'm being serious too. Youngjae hyung, you know that I haven't done anything wrong. Stop blaming everything on me and start admitting that you put yourself in this situation."

- "Shut up, BamBam!" Youngjae starts raising his voice, clearly angry.

- "No! I won't! Not until you admit you caused pain to Yunhee. Not until you realize that she would've been better off without you," BamBam shouts.

- "... That's it. I'm tired of you," Youngjae ends.

All I hear are the springs of the couch.  No more voices; just the two breathing.  I take a peek at the scene, curious about the silence.  To my surprise, I see Youngjae next to BamBam, gripping onto the collar of his shirt.  Youngjae looks mad and annoyed.  BamBam shares the same expression as he holds on to Youngjae's wrists, trying to loosen the tight grasp on his shirt.

- "You get on my nerves," Youngjae whispers.  My jaw drops.

- "... Y-yah," I try to get their attention.

They both look at me and then suddenly let go of each other.  They share worried expressions as they approach me.  I come out from hiding to talk to them face to face.

- "It's not what you think," they say at the same time.

- "No, I know exactly what's going on. I just heard your whole conversation. And you know what? You guys are such idiots," I say.

- "What?" Youngjae says.

- "Do the two of you think that a physical fight will solve your problem? Do you think that it will eliminate your hate for each other? Is that why you've been doing that recently?" I question.

- "What are you talking about?" BamBam asks.

- "Okay then how do you explain your injuries?" I inquire.  They look at each other.

I know.  The two of them have been trying to hide the fact that they physically fought.  But I know that Youngjae did not get a busted lip from walking into a door, as he had told me.  I know he has bruises on his back.  And I know that he has stomachaches from possible kicks or punches to the stomach.  I know that BamBam has a bruise on his jaw; I can still see it even if he tries to hide it.  I know why he has a cut above his brow.  And I know that his arm, leg and back cramps aren't from dance practices, as he says.  When I first noticed these things, I tried to believe that they were both just clumsy and they hurt themselves by accident.  But deep down, I was suspicious.  I was worried that they fought with their fists and feet.  I didn't want to believe that thought.

They stay silent.

"You guys can't lie to me anymore. I know what's been going on." I tell them.  "... I can't believe how stupid you two can be sometimes."

[Sunday July 7th, 2013]

If you were wondering, BamBam and Youngjae both apologized to me (and to each other) for physically fighting.  They promised that they'd try to not do it ever again.  I hope they don't hurt each other anymore.

But that's not my concern right now. At the moment I really need to tell Youngjae something.

- "Hello, Beautiful. How was your day?" Youngjae greets as he suddenly appears.  He sits on the bench, next to me.

- "My day was fine," I ignore the name he gave me.  "It was yesterday that was odd."

- "Did that cat also scratch at your window?" Youngjae asks.  I look at his weirdly.

- "Um... What cat?"

- "Oh no, never mind. Forget what I said."

- "Anyway... Yesterday evening, at the dinner table, my parents were, well, acting differently," I start.  Youngjae tilts his head slightly.  "They actually... talked to each other... nicely."

- "You mean like... they sat there... and said polite words to each other?" he repeats.  I nod.

- "It was as if I was back in 2011, eating with my parents from the past," I say.

- "So like... they were nice?" he says again, obviously confused on that part.

- "Ne. And you won't believe it, but they actually held hands."

- "What? No way."

Okay.  We might sound really weird to you right now, but I guarantee we are completely normal (maybe not completely).  Maybe you don't remember, but my parents don't get along.  At all.  Usually my house is dull and quiet.  It's been this way for around two years.  It can sometimes get noisy from all the bickering between my parents, but that's about all the ‘excitement’ there is.  And, even if eating is one of my hobbies, meals with them are the worst.  Everyone is silent and it's always so awkward for me to just hear utensils hitting plates and bowls.  But yesterday was very different.  It's been so long that I've spent time with my parents like that.  To the point where it was a bit uncomfortable (despite the happiness I felt).

- "... Do you think that they... made up?" I question.

- "You mean, for good?" he asks.  I nod, hesitant of his thoughts.  "Well, it is hard to believe. But it's possible. Even for your parents."

I nod, trying to fully believe this.  Youngjae scooches closer then pinches my cheeks.  My lips stretch into a deformed smile.

"Come on! Be happy about this," he says.

I glare at him before shooing away his hands.  An unwanted smile appears on my face when I see his grin.  I punch his arm.

- "Ow! What was that for? I was just trying to help you," Youngjae yelps.

- "That was for being so dorky," I answer.

- "But you know you like that about me," he smiles.

I roll my eyes, because it's true.  Youngjae's weirdness is strangely attractive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Youngjae unlocks his front door and lets me come inside.  Only his abeoji is home, watching the news on TV.  We greet him before heading to the kitchen.  I've been to Youngjae's house already, but only a few times before.  Usually, we go to my place to hang out but occasionally we come here.

- "Hey. Is that the cat you were talking about before?" I ask as I spot something out the window.  It was staring at us.

- "Ye. I guess it’s back," Youngjae says as he proceeds to search for food in the fridge.

I approach the window.  The cat doesn't move.  I smile at it, and then tap the glass separating us.  Its eyes are so big, so beautiful.  I wonder where it's been.  Why is it here?  Why did it leave home?  To run away from problems?  From chaos?

Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I could just run away from my life full of problems.  If I could be in a life where, instead, people around me got along.  Where I could feel the love, the connection between the people I love and connect with.  Where people don't suffer because of me.

I have to admit, during the night, while I'm in bed, I have thought about running away.  But then I ask myself: "Where would I go? Where can I stay? How would people act when I'm gone? Would they worry? What would they think of me if I come back? Would they be angry? Relieved?"  Most of the time, I end up falling asleep after thinking too much, after searching for answers.

But one night, I thought to myself: "If I leave, what happens to everyone else. Everyone I love. Would I just give them up to get away from problems I have? Would I really let go of the people I care for, just to let go of tough situations?" then I answered, "No. I wouldn't. Even if, at times, these people stress me out, I absolutely need them. My life without them would be way harder than with them."

That night, I realized I need to endure difficulties and face problems.  Think of solutions, instead of running away when times get rough. I cannot be a runaway, a cat that left home.

A gentle touch surprises me and shakes me out of my thoughts.  Hands snake around my waist, making me shiver slightly.  I feel a frame against my back, taking me into a back hug.

- "Is that cat more interesting than me?" Youngjae asks, his lips right next to my ear.  I grimace.

- "What do you mean?" I question in return.

- "You've been staring at it for awhile now. I've called you five times and you didn't even answer."

- "Mian. I was just thinking... about stuff," I apologize.

- "What were you thinking about?" he inquires.

- "Nothing important. Anyway, what do you think you're doing?" I change the subject.

- "Why?"

I point at his hands that wrap around me.

- "What is this?"

- "It's called intimacy," Youngjae says.  I roll my eyes.

- "Oppa, you agreed to not do this when... parents are around," I whisper the last part as I move away his hands to free myself.

- "My abeoji is in the living room. He won't see us," he tries to come closer to me.  I back away.

- "But he can come at any moment and see us. Who knows what he'll think if he saw us like that?"

- "Uh. Arraseo..." he groans.

But in one swift move, Youngjae manages to peck me on the cheek.  He quickly walks away.

"Yah," I try yelling as quietly as I can.

I look from side to side, making sure no one else is around.  I follow Youngjae.

- "Why would you do that?" I’m ready to smack him on the arm.  But he stops me.

- "Ah! You promised you wouldn't hit me when parents were around," Youngjae has slight amusement in his voice.  "A parent is around, so you cannot do that... Isn't that right?" he whispers, a grin on his face.

I grumble.

Oh oppa...

Hello.  It's good to see that you're here.  For the hundredth time is this single story, I am apologizing for not posting in forever.  I had a huge writer's block that kept me stuck on this chapter.  I started writing but then was stuck half way through the chapter.  So I tried taking a break from the story.  I read and I wrote stuff to get inspiration; but it didn't really get me anywhere.  I had to ask for help from my cousin (who reads this fanfic) to sort out my ideas.  And it actually worked.  I was able to rewrite the chapter in a better way, AND I figured out what I will be doing for the future posts.  So I guess that's a good thing for you and me (unless you won't like the future chapters).

Anyway that's all. I hope you enjoyed this and it would be nice to know what you honestly think of what's going on in this chapter/story (by obviously commenting).