LEE YOUNG HEE

After three days of being subjected to the same routine, the normal routine which sick people has to go through everyday, she has finally recovered from all the sickness that she suffered. It’s like a brand new day for her, trying to be optimistic and forget about all the things that could contribute to her sickness, like depression and stress. That was what everyone who visited her advised her to do.

She went back to the campus and greeted everyone cheerfully. She was happy and highly spirited. She had been doing fine until the afternoon lecture – Comparative Literature with Soo Hyun. She knew this was coming. She knew that being in his class for most of her subjects for this semester; she really has to pull herself together and faced this ordeal. Yes, it is an ordeal for her because of the agony that she was being put through because of her own feelings. It’s really hard to face someone you struggle so hard to let go and forget, isn’t it?

She watched Soo Hyun as he entered the lecture hall. Handsome as always, he walked straight to the podium – professionally, without looking at the students. He took out a piece of paper in his blue file which he usually carries with him, presumably the attendance sheet, and passed it to the guy who sits at the front row – instructing him to pass it around. Then he went back to the podium, taking out another piece of paper from the blue file, jotted down something on the paper with his favourite platinum Parker pen which he always put it in his chest pocket – Oh, and he’s wearing his favourite maroon formal shirt. As always, she was mesmerized. In fact, not a day goes by without having her captivated with his looks and that each and every of his move would make her knees go weak. She continued watching him, as he looked around after jotting something on the paper and finally looked at her. Her heart skipped a beat the moment their eyes locked – they stared at each other for a long while before she realized this has to stop. She cleared and quickly looked away, struggling not to make eye contact with him again. She then heard him cleared his throat before beginning his lecture on Jane Austen’s works. And so, the lecture goes on for one hour period and it was in the form of discussion.

“So why do you think Austen’s Pride and Prejudice is a true story which reflects her life?” he asked in the midst of the lecture. Pride and Prejudice has always been a fascinating topic worthy of discussion. It is one of Austen’s work which formed the very reason of her anonymity back in the 17^th century, prompting the readers of the question which was being asked now in the lecture – whether it reflects her real life? It appears from her reading and research that she knew the novel has something to do with Austen's personal life. Austen's first love did not go well because of someone’s prejudice over her career as an authoress. Sir Thomas Lefroy, who used to be Ireland’s High Court Judge back in the 17^th century once admitted about being romantically involved with Austen. Not long after their separation, Pride and Prejudice was published.

She wanted to answer, but she was afraid that she would find herself hoping for him again – it has been her promise and her own will not to have any sort of communication with him anymore. Everytime she look at him, she couldn't avoid recalling her conversation with Yuri.

*flashback*

"I feel insecure everytime I see him with you." 

"It is you whom I didn't trust."

 She could not deny that somehow, Yuri ought to feel that way. It was her who has made things between them become upside down. She shouldn't be getting in their ways. She had even promised Yuri not to speak with him anymore; a promise which she surely must keep if she wants things to be back in place. However, it seems that although she struggled so hard for that, she couldn’t avoid it anyhow, especially when her name was called.

And like always, she was happy, albeit momentarily, by the fact that he called her name. But then again, her subconscious tells her that it was all because he was just being nice because she's his best student and nothing else. 

*flashback* She is my student and that's who she is. Nothing will change.

Yes. Nothing will change, don't you get it? She was mad at herself for not being able to resist him. Again, she heard her name being called which made her snapped at him upon that hurtful recollection.

“Why me?” she asked. He blinked, as if startled by her asking him that. Yes, why me? Out of all people?

He shrugged. “Because I believe you would have the answer, Lee Young Hee.” Once again, their eyes were locked into each other’s before she looked away at her notes.

“Well, I believe that is true. After all, it has been her best work – surely there must be some inspiration behind it, don’t you think? An inspiration which relates to her real life. That could be a start of an author’s work. We have learnt this in Introduction to Authorship class, don’t we?”

“What kind of inspiration, Young Hee, if I may ask? Like how her unfortunate love in the past inspired her to write a happy ending in Pride and Prejudice?” he asked again.

“She used to be so in love with Thomas Lefroy but things did not go well between the two of them. What else could be her inspiration to end the story in a good way, other than her silent hope to be reunited with Thomas again?”

“Are you making an assumption?” he asked.

“No sir, I was just giving my opinion.” She replied.

“Why would you think Pride and Prejudice was a reflection of her hope to be reunited with Thomas then? What if, on the other hand, it was a piece that gives a message that Thomas’s uncle’s prejudice over her career did not affect her capability as an authoress at that time?”

She knew this would happen. She knew that everytime he asked for her opinion and she was not in the mood to discuss with him, things would go intense and they would end up arguing.

“Well, that could be true. I didn’t say that my opinion is right. It is subjective. It is merely an opinion. Yours too. There’s no right or wrong as long as it makes sense.” She paused, now taking a courageous move to look at him right in the eyes. “Is it so wrong for a woman to have hopes of a happy ending in her journey of finding true love, Sir? Is it so wrong for an author to be inspired by their hopes then?” She gave her opinion heartily – or maybe emotionally. It was as if she really meant the words – not for Austen, but for herself too. Is it so wrong to have hope for a happy ending to go her way? That was her silent wish; to be loved by someone that she loves. But unfortunately it remains a wishful thinking instead of having it become true. Maybe she will end up like Austen; being separated from the one she loves forever… but at least Thomas Lefroy loved Jane Austen which makes things a whole lot different with her case. She realized the hall was silent and the students’ attention turned to her, including Soo Hyun who was still staring at him.

“No,” he said. “Not at all. But hope can crush.” He said again, his eyes still locking with hers; and there was silence in the hall.

“I think that is all for today. See you in next class.” He said as he returned to the podium to pack his things and keep his Parker pen back into his pocket. Young Hee was packing her things to, ready to leave the hall and was passing the podium when she felt her right arm being grabbed by someone. Oh, that familiar touch, the touch that sends shivers down her spine; the sensation that it gives her until now; it never expires. She turned and looked at Soo Hyun who was still grabbing her arm.

“Can we talk?” he said calmly with his eyes looking at her, as if begging her to stay. She looked at him earnestly. She could feel butterflies in her stomach the moment he grabbed her arms, but the thought of having to refuse him makes her heart sank. Why is it so hard for me to let you go, Soo Hyun?

“Um…I’m actually kind of busy… I’m sorry,” that was all that she could say to him, before she gently released her arms off  him and left him alone in the hall; her heart sank as she walked passing by him.

“I’m sorry, Soo Hyun. I’m so sorry.” She whispered as tears slowly rolled down the corner of her eyes.

KIM SOO HYUN

He watched her leaving, as he felt his heart sank. He couldn’t deny the fact that he was happy the moment he saw her in the lecture hall; she’s finally back in school. He was looking forward to see her in the campus today, which he finally did. She looked really happy, wearing a casual and innocent white short dress with her hair tied up in ponytails. She was merrily chatting and laughing with her friends until his eyes met her beautiful eyes. She became unhappy, and that makes him wonder. He received the same expression a few days ago back in the hospital. Why? He just doesn’t seem to get it. He had been missing her these few days. He wanted to talk with her, to do their rehearsals together, to direct the play together. He wanted to do all that. He called for her, yearning to listen to her sweet voice. She was enraged, however, that he called her. He was somehow provoked; why couldn’t you smile at me like you do with your other friends?

And then there it goes, the foreseeable intense discussion on the trivia revolving around Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. The response that he received from her however, has struck him to his heart's core.

“Is it so wrong for a woman to have hopes of a happy ending in their journey of finding true love?”

Somehow in some ways, it hits him too. Is it wrong to hope for something, however impossible that might be? Can you still dream about being reunited with someone you love at the most impossible way?

“No,” he said. “Not at all.” He wanted to hope. But he knew that hope is going to be crushed at the end of the day. Just like Austen and Lefroy, he may not be able to find a happy ending in whatever he is feeling right now. Feelings for her, particularly.

“But hope can crush.” And that’s how he ended the lecture.

When she walked passing him, he just couldn’t resist the urge of wanting to stop her. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted her to stay. He needed to know what’s bothering her – although deep inside, he knew it all; only that he was afraid to let it all out. He wanted to tell her how much he had missed her.  He couldn’t deny that somehow, deep in his heart, he longed to see her laugh with him, her cheerful face when they talked and discuss literature together. Why do I always want to see this beautiful creature? Why? He asked himself as he began to have other deep thoughts about the inconvenient truth about their relationship as a teacher and a student.

It is a taboo.

He sighed in frustration. He managed to hold her arm and made her turned around to face him; but upon seeing the look in her eyes, her sad look, he was reminded by the taboo all over again, and instead of saying “I’ve missed you,” and begging her not to leave, he asked, “Can we talk?”

And there, she left him alone in the room, without looking back.