Thursday, 24th May 2018, 

Dear friend, 

I'm writing to you because they say you'll listen and I thought, why not giving it a shot. Besides, whatever it is that I'm going to tell you now wasn't going to be a big deal because you don't know me, and I don't know you. So there isn't any room for us to judge each other.... And if it did, I wouldn't know and it wouldn't matters to me. 

So, I'm going to tell you a bit about myself but not who I am or what my name is because if I did, you'll know me and l wouldn't want that because of the reasons that I've mentioned earlier. Alright, I'm a person, as much as you're a person. I have great families, amazing friends, good academic results on paper and everything is alright... It seems alright but then, one day, I woke up and I look to my side and I saw this big black dog, curling at the right side of my bed. 

I give it a name, and it was depression. 

I don't understand it at the beginning. I thought it was just something that everyone call 'monday blues' or the feeling you get when you woke up at the wrong side of your bed. I thought it'll pass on and eventually, I'll get over it. However, this black dog, it keeps on coming, curling besides me, making me feels suffocated but empty at the same time. Sometimes, it steps on my chest and lay there for hours, keeping me awake to think about various things and countless thoughts at 3 a.m in the morning. It keeps on staring at me, and starting to make me questions everything that I've done in my life so far... And the most scarry things it had done was making me questions my existence in this life. 

I tried shoving him out of the door of my mind, but it keeps on barking and clawing, asking me to let it back inside. Asking me to continue thinking about things that I know I shouldn't care about. And every single times, the black dog succeeded. I let it may on my chest as I stared up at the ceiling with red eyes that want nothing but to sleep. But I couldn't.. these thoughts, and burden on my chest keep me awake. 

When I go out, this black dog follows me but I do my best to hide it away so that people couldn't see. I'm afraid of people's eyes. I'm afraid of their judgements because I, among all people, shouldn't have this black dog. I have everything. My family is nice and supportive, my friends were all there for me when I needed them, and my life... so far, were great. There is nothing to be stressed about. So there's no reason for me to have this black dog. Isn't it? 

But it was so, so much more than that. I woke up every morning feeling like absolute , and dragging myself out from my bed was the last thing I wished I would do. It's not like I don't want to be happy but I couldn't bring myself to be happy. Sure, there's time when I do feels good about myself, but then, out of nowhere, this black dog nudge me and remind me that it still exists in me. And despite everything I do, or how hard I tried to be positive... I couldn't keep it away. 

I feels embarrassed, ashamed, suffocated, sad and small. Why am I still like this?  Despite of everything I do to make everything feels like how it used to, to keep this black dog away, it still keeps on coming back. And these days, its making me see the world through its eyes.. and all I see is sadness and grey. 

Why are you always so sad? My friend ask me one day. And I tell them that I don't know because I really am. There's no way to explain what I felt and whats going on my mind every day because they wouldn't understand it. How can you explain something that is invisible and only you, who can sees it to someone else afterall. 

But then, if I can put it into a simpler words for you... I could say that I feels like there's a burden on me, pulling me onto the ground and no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself out. The black dog keeps on biting, and pulling at the end of my shirt, dragging me down on the dirt.

Social interaction then becomes a challenge. Standing up with this black dog tugging on my back requires a super human strength. But I had to keep on smiling, or else they would know, about the black dog on my back, or how it lay on my chest every night, and how it keeps on sinking it's teeth into my shoulder to remind me that it's there. This black dog sniffed out every last confidence that I have and chased it away. 

I don't like it.. and it's making me tired and soon I begin to decline every invitation, every meet up and get together. The black dog make me think and say negative things. It's making me irritated and hard to be around with.. it drove everyone away but I don't care...

I can't bring myself to care. Not him, not her... Not anything. Living with this black dog had become a constant nightmare and it's not fair. 

They told me to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditation... do something that I love but how could I? When this black dog makes me lost interest in every thing... This isn't something that can be solved by exercising or distracting yourself because it's there and it effect every aspect of my life. My relationship, my work, my education and until today, no matter how hard I tried to explain it, I've always met with the blind hesitation. They do care, but they don't understand and it's hurts me even more. 

This isn't about feeling a little bit sad... Or how you could feel better after you sleep, because it always has been more than that. It isn't just about feeling bad about yourself, or feeling blue at its worst. But it's about being devoid of feelings all together. I know it may sound ridiculous, but this black dog makes me feels everything, too much at the same time and most of it is sadness. 

If you asks me, I wouldn't want to be this way. Who would want to fell into a pit of self loath and feeling terrible every single morning? You wouldn't right? But then, this isn't something that I can control. 

And at then end, eventually, it manage to completely hijack my life.When you lose all joy in life, you can begin to questions what the point of it is. To put up a smile when you know that you're dying inside and everything seems to become meaningless. 

Dear friend, 

I didn't ask for your understanding. I just want to tell you since you're the only person I think wouldn't judge me and every thing that happen to me after this wasn't your fault. I didn't write any returning address, so it's fine. I just hope that someone, eventhough that person don't know me personally would know about this black dog. 

I'll write again to you later, if later ever comes.. but until then. Good bye from me for now. 

Love,

Lee Seungri.