I’m wide awake staring at my reflection on cupboard mirrors, where just a few hours ago I was pinned against. I shift uncomfortably.

I check the bedside clock for the 12^th time tonight, it blinks 4.45am. I feel the time not moving at all. Why am I feeling like this? After such an explosive part of the night, I should be out and well, my body should have exhausted. Well yes my body is exhausted. Hell, it more than exhausted. It’s worn out. But my mind… it’s filled with confusion and questions hitting me from every part of my brain. Its squeezing my heart.

I feel Siwon’s steady breath on my neck and his hand around my waist is still tight. I am unable to move under his grip. But this immobility gives me a steady mind to think what just happened.

So, Sionw and me, slept together. We had . This is not right. This should not be right. Both of us had the pressure building since the time we saw each other and as a result we got each other out of our system. But this should be it. The way he spoke suggested me more.

Siwon should be out. I am not the right person for him and neither Is he for me. He should get out of my life.

I look at the clock, the time shows 4.50am.

I look at the clock again, its five minutes to six o’clock. Slowly removing Siwon’s strong hands from my waist I get up. I flinch as soon as I’m up on my feet. It shows me how sore I am today. This feeling should give happiness to a woman in love. It shows her how much she has allowed her man to explore her. But me, its not a good sign. I don’t want this. I don’t want the angle of a man sleeping on my bed.

Bearing the pain I make my way to the washroom.  With a fearful eyes, I look at myself in the mirror. What i see shocks me. I look refreshed, I look content, I look satisfied, I look full, I look glowing, I look beautiful. NO! NO! NO! this should not be it. Only a woman in love should be like this. I am not in love with him. My life is alone and only with Sasi. Siwon deserves someone better then me. He can’t have me. He should not be with me. It was just . It was just physical. It was over last night.

I splashed water on my face to get all that I observed off me. I rushed to the shower to cleanse myself off the remains of Siwon. It hurt me so badly to be here, in this cold shower. My heart so wanted to be there, in the bed, with the person who I proclaimed as god last night.

This has to stop. I am not the right person for him and he is not the right person for me. I cannot trust him. we just needed to get each other out of our system and we did. Now Siwon has to go. He needs to get out- forever.

I wake up and rub my hand which I clearly remember that my arm was around Dara’s soft waist. But now, I can only feel the cold sheets. She is not here. I open my eyes. The sunlight is streaming into the bedroom and it has lit up the room very well. I must have slept really deep last night. Well, I made love with the woman I love- she set me free. I know im grinning like an idiot- a idiot. Thinking Dara might be in the washroom, I get up and make my way. I open the door, but she is not there. I come out and see the floor, its clean, with all out clothes in the right place. My clothes are well folded and placed on the bedroom sofa. I am sure Dara is awake.

Wrapping the sheets around my waist, covering up my ness I walk down the stairs. Well, I could go without it either, but incase Sasi is home or if Jillian is home as well! I don’t want to scare the old lady by flashing!

As I get down, I see no one in the kitchen. I look around and peek towards the kitchen balcony. I see Dara staring out at the sea that has unfolded in front of her. In her white shorts and blue checked shirt and her hair done into a messy bun, she has her back towards me and is sipping her tea. She looks wondrous.

I slowly walk towards her and hug her from behind. I rest my chin on her shoulder and exhale. She stiffens. “ Good morning gorgeous.” I greet her.

“ Good Morning Siwon!” she greets me back. Her soft voice could just make my ego melt and make me do anything for her.

The aroma of fresh flowers from her hair was hitting me like a drug. I sniff her from  behind her ear. God she is mesmerizing in the morning, just making me want her more. Life could not have been better.

“ You smell lovely.” I sniff her again. “ Can I have you for breakfast? I know you taste delicious. ” I insert a sneaky grin.

She turned around and put her hand around my neck and gave me a seductive smile. Damn it! My groin hurt. She looks down at me and laughs. “ I think you need some nutrients to keep you going and I don’t think I can give you that.” She whispers in my ears. “ Oh baby, you are more than nutrients for me.” I whisper back.

She lets go of me and with regret I let her go too. “ Go on Siwon, wash up, I’ll make breakfast.” my eyes widen. She hates to cook. “ You’re making breakfast?”

She understands the surprise in my voice. “ Hey, im not that bad in making eggs and toast.” She brushed past me into the kitchen.

I smile at our little morning romance and go upstairs to wash up. In the mean time I see Dara getting busy in the kitchen. Dara, in her white shorts and bare feet, she looks incredibly y. I swear, I’m going to take her on the kitchen floor one day….well it can be today too.

“ Right, coffee or tea?” Dara asks me as she places the scrambled eggs in front of me on the kitchen counter.

“ Coffee please.” I tell her. I watch her y sway in the kitchen to get my coffee and her tea. I grin. Dara sits opposite me, placing our hot beverages and her plate of breakfast. “ Why are you grinning?” she asks me.

I place my chin on my hand and with a wider grin I tell her, “ Watching you move your y around the kitchen makes me so wild!”

“ Well, hold up there. don’t get too wild. Now eat up.” she points her fork towards me. We share an intimate smile and eat our lovely breakfast.

As we finish and proceed on to coffee and tea, I asked her, “ so what plans for today? It’s the weekend.”

She does not answer, but stares into her tea. That’s new. She always looks up. She talks eye to eye. May be she is feeling tired. I decided a short trip to the mall and buy her some stuff. I suggest her he same.

“ So Dara, how about, we go to the mall and we coul…”

“ You need to move out Siwon.” she said. I felt like a ice knife pierce through my spine.

“ Wh…what?”

“ I said,  you need to move out of my house. You need to get out.” She said looking down her plate.

“ Dara look up at me. look up.” she did.

“ You don’t mean that and if you are playing any silly joke on me, stop it, because you really at it.” I spilled strongly. But inside, I was shivering. I know her reactions are true and I’m denying myself from acknowledging it.

“ How much clearer do you want me to tell you a simple statement? I want you to move out of my house. Get out of here; get out of my life Siwon. Just go.” There was silence. My world just collapsed.

We just spent the most amazing night together. We became one last night. We became Siwon and Dara. She set me free, I worshipped her. I thought we erased the past four years. What is this now? She is infuriating me.

“ Why do I have to go?” I ask with her with my teeth clenched.

“ Because Siwon, you don’t belong here. You don’t belong in my life. You need to go.” She said looking straight up at my face. I cant stand the anger boiling.

“ Then what the hell was last night?”

“ It was ! Just !” That’s it. I swipe the contents of the table, letting them fall in wild thunder and making them break into million pieces. She does not flinch, but I see the anger, fear and some sort of confusion in her eyes.

“ Last night was not just Dara!” I stand up. When will she ever know this.

“ We made love Dara! We became one.” I shouted.

“ We never became one. We needed to get each other out of our system and we did exactly that. We f***ed Siwon that’s it.”

“ Don’t you dare say that Dara. Don’t you bloody dare! How can you be so cruel? Just when I think that the past four years has been erased forever, you say something like this?  Are you out of your mind? You are really aggravating me.”

“ I don’t want you in my life Siown.”

“ WHY?”

“ Because…. Because, i don’t trust you. You don’t deserve me. I don’t deserve anyone and you need someone better than me. “

“ I f***ing don’t need anyone else. You deserve more than me and I don’t know what I did, to deserve you. But its you all I need. So shut the f*** up and stop with this mess. And and…. What did you say? You don’t trust me?”

“ Yes I don’t trust you.” she bowed down her head.

“ Why?”

“ Because Siwon, trusting some like you did not work out so well last time. You just left me and more than that you had an affair with her.”

“ Dara! Do you even hear yourself? You saw exactly what happened. Not just verbal, but you saw evidence. You saw all that I went through. Yet you tell me that you don’t trust me? I went through hell for you and you bloody well tell me you don’t trust me? if there is anyone who is not trusted in this relationship is you, because we all know you were the one living with another man, married.” I spit it out ugly.

“ You know what Dara, form the beginning, I was always ready to anything for you. I trusted you with all my heart. I gave you the space you needed.” I turned around not wanting to face her. I was furious.

“I fell in love with you. i kissed you, I waited for you to kiss me back. I told you I love you, I waited to hear the same words from you. I gave myself to you, I wanted for you to do the same. I proposed to you and I waited to give you your answer. Really Dara, just think about it, it was always me who has been commented in this relationship. I really gave you your freedom and space so that you can decide what you need. I wanted you to trust this relationship. I really wonder if you ever really loved me or even just gave any importance to this bond ever. Yet, you tell me YOU cant trust ME!” it came out really ugly. I held my head in my hand and turned around. I tried to calm myself down, but it just did not work.

God how can she ask me something like that. I gave her everything. All I wanted in life was her. I don’t think I have ever worked so hard for something like this . I don know what more I can do to make her understand we are meant to be. I want to marry her. I want to grow old with her. I want to doe with her. She is my breath, my blood my everything. I just can’t exist without her.

Realization dawns on me. The words I spoke. !

I turn around and Dara stood there frozen. I cant believe all that I just said to her. oh god. I just blew everything right out he window. ! ! ! “ Dara…baby….im sorry.” I went towards her with open arms. She moves away. There are no tears in her eyes. She is devastated.  She walks to the door, picking up her car keys.

“ You need to go.” She whispered without looking at me and walked out the door.

Oh god! What have I done!

“ Nancy!! Nancy!! Open the door!” I hear screams and harsh knocking on the door of my residence.

“ Dara! What is it?” I open the door to find Dara totally devastated. She looks totally up and my god, she looks completely broken.

“ Nancy…..i…..”  She stammered. Understanding her, I let her in. She walked like she was floating. She moved like she had lost her legs or lost herself somewhere. I need to gver her time and space.

“ What the hell happened to you?” I ask her. She stays quietly. What is she thinking? I need to get her to speak. May I should call Siwon and ask him what is going on?  he is better on his feet. Isn’t he? Or is he the same way?

“Dara! What happened?” she went and shook her. She looked at me with void eyes. “ …what happened Dara? Say it, you are scaring me.”

“ We… we… slept together.” I move a step back. ok…well, this is interesting news.

“ We as in you and Siwon?”

“ Yes.”

“ Slept together…as in…”  Dara stood up in frustration.

“ Yes as in f***ed. We f***ed last night.”  She dropped to the sofa again holding her spinning head. I did not say anything, but I went into the kitchen. After a few moment, I retuned with a glass of water a cup of tea. I made me drink both of them in silence and gave me another glass of water. I did not question anything and She did not say anything.

After I placed my water down and I felt much better; I could see it on her face. Finally I asked me.” are you on your medications still?” ok so these two love birds slept with each other.  I knew this would happen one day or the other. But never expected it to happen so soon. I’m happy for Dara, but im sure she does not want a baby or anything of that sort. Besides Siwon knows her medications, but to be on the safer side.

“ Yes.”  She answered and im relieved.

“ Good then.”

“ Why do you ask?”

“ Because I know one of the pill Dr. Amal prescribed was a birth control pill to regularize your period. I’m sure Siwon knew this.”

“ He did?”  She looks up at me lifting my head from her palms.

“ He was going to stay with you. He did his research and his research was you and you only Dara.”  She dropped her head again into her palms.

Time passed.  Dara lifted her head and saw me seated opposite her, waiting for her to say something. I know she has loads to say.

“ Are you ready to talk?” I asked me. I ma taking a neutral stance here and I need her to open up- now!

“ I told Siwon to move out of my place.”

“ Why on earth did you do that?” what the hell is wrong with this woman? I need to maintain my tone with stupid girl.

“ Because after last night, I don’t think it can work out.”

“ Why?”

“ Because…because Nancy, it just wont. He kept saying again and again that I set him free. Yes, we both broke our dry spell. But…but…”

“ But what Dara? Are you afraid to let him in again?”

“ Yes…” I admitted it.

“ Have you really lost your mind?”

“ Nancy, this may seem very stupid to you, But Its not. You have no idea what I went through. When he came to my place, the moment I saw him, the year I spent with him, came rushing to me. All those days all those nights, damn it! he was the one who broke my ity. He was my first Nancy! You know how precious that moment was. When I saw his eyes, I just wanted to collapse and cry.”

“ Then why dint you?”

“ Because I cant trust him. He had an affair with Ga In. he abandoned me. He left me on the streets. I went through with pregnancy alone. He was not there when Sasi entered the world.”

“ But you do realize that he kept himself away and he did all hose things for you?”

“ Don’t say that.”

“ I have to Dara, because that is the truth and don’t deny it, you have seen the evidence. That man went through hell to keep you breathing. Yet you say you want him out? I just don’t understand.”

“ Nancy what if he changes tomorrow? I can’t trust him. I really cant. You should have heard him talk today. He revealed himself to me truthfully he said I am not to be trusted. He sad I was the one who married another man and I was the one never trusted him in the relationship. He told me I waited all the time.”

“ Tell me its not true.” Dara looks up at me, because I know her mind is denying it, but her heart is saying something else.

“ Nancy, not you too.”

“ Dara, I’m not trying to point fingers at you. but you did exactly all that. Yes you married another man why? Because of us and Siwon knows it. We told you needed an protection and we forced you. Siwon knows exactly how it went. I told him all this personally. Its just a slip of tongue. The other things, it is really true Dara.” I told her clearly. She need to hear it.

Leaning forward from the sofa, and I asked me, “ have you ever once, accepted what he asked of you without thinking? Or even over thinking? That man blindly fell in love with you and he really trusted you Dara. If you had told him yes the day he presented you the ring, you would have been happily married and Sasi would have entered the word in her father’s arms.”

“ So I’m the bad guy here? I’m the one who did everything wrong? Nancy! My father left me because I wanted to be independent. He left me to sink, swim and find my island. But the island I found was beautiful and filled with vicious people. I just cannot trust anyone. Siwon was just an anyone for me when I met him. But then without realizing I fell in love with him Nancy. I feel hard.”

“ Then why don’t you accept that feeling?”

“ But now, he hates me. Siwon don’t hate me…. Siwon please I love you, please don’t hate me.” tears drops from her eyes.

“ See Dara, even now, you forgot you are talking to me and you replaced me with Siwon.” she looks up at me in surprise of my observations “ I think it is Siwon, who you have to talk to and not me.”

I let me cry. “ Dara, trust yourself. You trust your instincts in career and it had got you to the top, but trust them in your life too.” I hold her. “ Siwon is the man for you. Arata came as a guardian angel. He protected you for Siwon. Dara, let yourself go. Let yourself fall in love with the same man you were in love. Accept the realty. Siwon loves you. He wants you back. He wants to have a family with you. I think its time you understand that. Stop fighting him. Stop fighting yourself. Lets yourself go.”

Dara is silent for a few minutes. Id she is this silent, her mind must be working. She si thinking and it is good. I hope she come up with a good decision.

“ Nancy, what if Siown wants a nicer girl? Because the last time I checked, I was not the nicest girl he has ever been with. He could not trust me, he went through hell for me, as you said. Then may be one day he meets this lovely girl, who loves him and does everything for him, he will let me go. That’s why Nancy, I want him go now. I am doing this with my whole heart. I want him to go. I want him to meet a nice girl and have a happy life.”  Ok, now im loosing it. She really is crazy.

“ Dara, don’t make me slap you because im an this close to doing it. if Siwon had to find a girl, he would have done it way back. The fact is you gave him so many chances for him to act like that and yet he did not go. Ultimately he came in face to face with the devil herself and followed her for you. Why? because he loves you. God Dara! Believe me! Believe him! He loves you for who you are. He want you. Just drill that into your head.”

“ So what should I do?” she asked ultimately.

“ GO! Go to Siwon! He is THE love of your life. Both of you try to keep protecting each other by just hurting each other. So just stop that and go.” I told her. I hope she gets it and does the right thing.

Dara just sat in my sofa for a minute and she sprang up on her feet. I knew she has made her decision and it’s a good one.

“ Thank you!” she hugged me and ran out the door. I watched her run- no fly. This is the first time; I am seeing Dara run for someone. The face she had when she ran out my house door, is something that should be remember. The love for Siown glowed on that beautiful face of hers.

So guess Sasi will be my room mate for a while then. I  smile to myself.

“ Siwon! Siwon!” I scream his name with tears dropping down my eyes. The living room is empty. The broken glass and plates are cleared up. I run to his room and rush in. He is not there. I scream his name, but there is no response. I run to the kitchen balcony and there he is, the same spot I has stood in the morning hours as I contemplated on how I can tell him to get out my place.

He is holing an old tee shirt of mine in his hands and upon his face. It is as though he is talking secretly to it. I look closely and it’s the tee shirt I was wearing when Siwon came to my house for the first time when he came to apologize for his doings during the meeting with his father. God! He had saved it.

“ Siwon.” I whispered. He turned.

He saw me with tear strained eyes. It hit me that he had been crying too. I made my strong man cry!

I dropped down on my knees on the wooden floors of the balcony.

“ Siwon! I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry! I’m really sorry for everything I did. I’m really very sorry!” I sobbed. I cried till my heart could not take it any more.

“ Dara…” he came forward and kneeled in front of me and held my bloated face in his warm plams.

“ No you have to listen.” I stopped him. “ I’m sorry Siwon. I’m sorry for all that I said. I’m such a dumb nut that I could not realize that you love me so much yet ,I was ready to throw you away. God what was I thinking? Im very sorry Siwon. Really..Jesus. I so…so... sorry.” He hugged to his chest. I could hear his heart beat accelerate.

“ Dara, don’t be sorry please. If there is anyone who has to be sorry, then it should be me. I should not have said those words to you. It was very harsh of me. I’m very sorry Dara. I shoud not have hurt you like that.” He apologized.

“ It is because of those words, I’m in realty right now. I had to hear the honest words from you. It was really me who has is sorry. You did so much for me and yet, what did I do? Just accuse you. Please Siwon forgive me. please forgive this idiot who never understood your love. Please.” I pleased. Honestly for this man I would just jump off a bridge right now.

“ Oh baby! Please. All I want from you is your trust and love, which I know I have. Its just you don’t know you have give it to me. “ He cradled me.

“ Oh god, Siwon I’m sorry. I will do anything ….anything for you.”

“ Stop it Dara…. Stop crying. I cannot watch you crying like this. Please.” He cradled me in his arms. We sat there in silence or till my eyes ran out of salt water to shed. Siwon just held me. I wanted to be in his arms and nothing in-between. I have officially become his again.

We are now Siwon and Dara. The same way we were four brutal years ago.

The sun has descended and the lights of the ships afar have started twinkling. Neither of us spoke. Then finally breaking the silence, I asked him,

 “ Siwon shall we get married tomorrow?”

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I need him,

But i fear.

However, im going to risk it,

Because i know he will be there

For me.

_______________________________________________________

Hello everyone!

Here is an update for you.

I wanted to show you Dara's insecurities

But also how Siwon is there for her.

I hope i have conveyed that.

I also hope you all have enjoyed this chapter.

________________________________________________________

To Be

________________________________________

Continued