CHAPTER 19: SUICIDE

Staring through the lenses of a sophisticated video camera, I watched as Eos prepared herself for the act of her life. I raised three of my fingers, folding them back into my palm as I spoke a countdown.
“Three…two….one.”

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“Styx,” Nesoi said, as both she and I walked into Styx’s small office. Upon her arrival with Eos, Styx has already been able to entangle her cold-blooded persona into the once average room. The head of the NJC had forged the basement of a grocery store into a makeshift headquarters for the NJC in Gwangju, Korea – currently; it’s where Nesoi and I are forced to remain due to our past dilemma. However, Styx has not learnt of the news… yet. I shut the door behind me and respectfully bowed to Styx who was bent over the desk, scribbling away at papers strewn around her. She glanced up at the sound of her alias, giving a Nesoi a harsh glare for interrupting her work.

“What is it, Nesoi? Xiah?” Styx asked. I cringed at the sound of my leader’s voice. Surely now it sounds apathetic – almost harmless: I fear what’s to come.

“Remember a certain man by the name of U-know?” Nesoi asked, grinding the name between her teeth. Styx nodded.

“The NIS member you encountered?” Styx asked, suspicious of what Nesoi wanted to say, “What about him?”

“We met again.”

“What!?” Styx shrieked, “When?”

“None of that matters, Styx, what does is that he knows we are here – that I am here. It’s safe to assume that he also knows of Xiah’s association to me.”

“The NIS knows we are here?!” Styx once again exclaimed. I shut my eyes and winced, an aura of murder, bloodlust, and pure wrath rippled from Styx’s body, overpowering me and driving fear into my very core. “Hell to this all!” she screamed, whipping the delicately organized papers off her desk. I flinched, I have never seen Styx so angry – no I haven’t even witnessed Hades becoming this enraged. Styx’s once blank face was tense with the rile and loathe of the situation, her black hair obscuring most of her eyes from view. Her breath came in short huffs as she then collapsed back into the chair and grasped her hair in confusion and denial.

“How?” Styx whispered, pinching the bridge of her nose and scrunching her eyes. Her voice sounded meager, vulnerable – weak even. “How could this be? What happened to all my plans? They were perfect, were they not?”

“Indeed, Styx,” Nesoi whispered, even she appeared stunned by Styx’s anger, “they were.”

“And now, now I have to deal with a backed up schedule, known afflictions with the NJC – including Eos and possibly myself, and now I must add with you and Junsu to the list too, Nesoi!?” Styx asked, her voice growing louder with every syllable she pronounced, however, it wasn’t her sudden change of emotion that surprised me. Oh no, it was her sudden and abrupt usage of my given name. Not my alias, but my real name. I blinked in shock of the realization; both the women in the room took no notice in me. “How am I going to deal with this?!” she continued.

Nesoi bowed her head in defeat, uneasily acknowledging the fact that she, herself, had no idea. Styx groaned, glaring at the mahogany desk. She dug her fingers into her scalp, pulling heavy strands of her hair over her face, concealing her eyes. Nesoi and I remained frozen in our stiff positions whiles Styx, no doubt, was thinking of a plan; an insane plan, a plan only a lunatic could have thought off. I have always believed Styx to be insane, however, truly, how much of Styx’s personality that she shows her subordinates is truly her and not just a guise? How much of the cold-blooded leader I know, is nothing more than a façade?

Suddenly, Styx shifted in her seat, tossing her hair out of her face; she raised her head to confront us once again. That cold expression once again overtaking her features.

“I am going to kill myself.” She declared in perfect English.

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I pushed the recording button and watched as Eos transformed from an icy agent of the NJC, to a regular girl who lost her cousin to suicide.

“I – I can’t believe this,” Eos sobbed, her performance surprising convincing, “I would never think that she would do such a thing – I can never imagine why Rin would take her own life!” At Eos’s words, my mind began to drift, the words in my mind contradicted with the ones said by Eos. I can imagine what Kimura Rin is capable of doing. Eos has become who she is because of her past, hardened into that shell because of the tragedies she faced; I know nothing about Styx, what made her become this way?

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“…Lord, I beg for your limitless mercy…” an ethereal voice called. Her voice rang like a clear bell inside the walls of the abandoned, gothic church. The haunting beauty of the holy cathedral was illuminated by the brilliant beam emitted by the Sun through the vibrant stained glass; the bright luminosity creating the enchanting illusion of fog around the room…and around the lone figure. She knelt on the dull wood floor underneath the great, obsidian cross. Her fingers intertwined, her head bowed and eyes closed as she spoke a prayer to God.

My mouth fell open in shock, my eyes widened and my heart leapt at the sight of my leader kneeling to pray to God. I knew it was wrong of me to have entered through the side door and conceal myself behind the wall; Styx was seeking solitude and serenity within this forlorn church, yet, I had chosen to interrupt her calm with my stupidity. Thus, upon arrival and perceiving my leader worshipping the Lord, my heart stopped, I was immobilized by the sheer astonishment of Styx’s current position.

The light from the Sun dawned upon her creamy skin, casting shadows beneath her cheekbones. In the forsaken cathedral – one that held enthralling and torturous images of the martyr of Christianity – Styx, Kimura Rin, found harmony. A state tranquility I have never before seen.

“But Lord, am I wrong to devote myself to balance and peacefulness on Earth?” Styx asked, oblivious to her unwelcomed guest. I refused to make myself known now; I wanted to hear more about Styx’s past, I wanted to know more about this cold leader of mine. Moreover, I was unable to move, I was spellbound. “I just wish for a world where my mother would not have to feel the anguish of my father’s passing.” My throat compressed, snagging my breath. I had come to the church to declare my fault as an agent, and yet, I stand at the trials of Styx’s confession. Never have I considered Styx to be an insecure being: a human, a human girl who had lost her father and whose mother is grieving.

I struggled to tear my eyes away from the vision of Styx as I tried to comprehend matters at hand. My regard towards Styx was changed entirely. Kimura Rin. Who was she? Rin is younger I –by two years at least. However, what has she experienced that caused her blood to run cold?

“A world where no one will die in devotion to the power hungry and no one will die in the fight against it. I wish for a world where true unremorseful sinners do not walk among the innocent.” My thoughts clouded over into a dull wave at the sound of Rin’s voice. Her head shot up as she fixed her eyes upon the center of the regal cross. Her entwined fingers shook with the might of her strength as she pleaded her beloved God to understand her, to understand her reason for doing what she must – a wish, even I cannot fulfill before today.

“And Lord, I will work hard to achieve it.” Rin continued, closing her eyes once again. I watched; captivated by the eerie beauty that Rin held. Her long kempt hair cascaded down her shoulders in a glossy black river. The flicker of light off the multicolored glass reflected off of Rin’s eyes, holding me hypnotized. Until now, I have realized that in my mind’s thoughts I had begun calling my leader by her name and not her alias. Until only now, have I considered Rin to be vulnerable to her emotions. Until this very moment, have I begun to dwell upon my feelings towards her, and how that I truly find her susceptibility to her doubts –

“Beautiful.” I whispered. Reality crashed down upon me, I had spoken my thoughts. No matter what those thoughts were, Styx would have heard them. And no matter how fearful she might have felt while confessing to the Lord, she will not hesitate to spill my blood when realizing my presence. I took a step backwards, watching to see if Styx noticed the sound of my voice. Abruptly, the heel of my foot caught onto the edge of a loose wood panel, throwing me off balance and sending me flailing to the ground; my cell phone slipped out of my jacket pocket and clattered onto the floor.

“I have repent –” I winced as Styx’s voice immediately stopped. The lingering sensation of captivation, fascination, and enchantment of the room quickly was tainted with cold and bitterness that chilled my blood. I struggled to my feet, snatched my phone, and silently slipped out the door. Outside, I sprinted around the building and towards the front entrance, hoping that Styx did not see my retreat. Slowly, I raised my hand to latch my fingers around the door-handle. If I opened the door, everything I had just witnessed would be meaningless: I cannot confront Styx about her worries, nor can I attempt to comfort her qualms. And even though I had heard Styx’s innermost confessions, I cannot connect this pitiful girl to the ice-queen of the NJC – they were two separate entities. Therefore, once I open this door, Styx will be Styx the merciless leader, and I will be Xiah, the incompetent agent: reality. I squeezed my eyes shut and wrenched the door open, panting in attempts to pretend that I had just ran from my apartment to the church.

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“I believe, Rin-sama might have felt too much grief over the disappearance of Yoochun-nii*” Eos cried, now successfully weeping with the help of tear droplets and successfully pulling me out of my reverie. Styx’s threat to Eos must have strongly affected her, for now Eos had just addressed Micky with a familiar honorific. Eos released a chocked sobbed before pretending to regain herself, and continued her speech, now including clues for Micky to discover, “I want a second word, you know?” her voice cracking at the end of the sentence, “It’s the holy church that can get home will tools that we can provide. Shouldn’t it be okay to confess our sorrow? I’ll leave regrets through the confession, and skylights are open for hope. That way, it’s not so hard to climb to leave grief. The first letter,” Eos said, taking a deep breath. So far, so good, Eos has managed to pull off the guise of a babbling, traumatized woman; it’s impossible for anyone to be suspicious of any hidden meaning behind her words, words that she has spoken in English:

“Yearning are not grievers.
Don’t obligate naivety – Grieve”
Eos made an almost dramatic pause before continuing her poem.“No longer, Yoochun-nii. For your safe return is all that Rin-sama would want. Heed my words from the beginning,
Make a reprieve.
Keeping enough thought.”

“I am done,” she concluded, I let out a relieved sigh, it was ambitious of us to tell Micky of the location of where we would be meeting him – it was only a three worded message, however, if the NIS find out…. “I had enough. Today. Today was the day of my beloved cousin’s passing. May she rest is peace with God at her side.”

“Alright!” I yelled, “Cut. Good job Eos.” As soon as I uttered those words, Eos’ sorrow vanished without even leaving a glass slipper.
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*Nii – A Japanese honourific that can be used at the end of a person’s name that is equivalent to ‘brother’ or the Korean honourific ‘oppa’
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Author's Note: Sorry for taking so long on this chapter! As you have probably understood, Eos' message contains a second meaning. We will reveal the message in later chapters- however, for any readers that can successfully decode her speech before hand, we will be awarded a great prize (known only to the successful decodee)

Email us the answer at [email protected]

Love Amaya!
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| Always Keep the Faith |