From outside the house, Yoonmi could hear her aunty, uncle and grandparents’ voices. They seemed to be enjoying their conversation from how noisy and cheerful they sounded. Yoonmi quickly stepped into the house, attempting to go straight into her room without joining them in the living room. She didn’t want them to see her crying face; she looked awful right now. She knew it, even without seeing her face in the mirror yet. Her nose must be red from crying earlier, along with her ears and cheeks. 

“Oh, Yoonmi-ah!”

Yoonmi stopped as she heard her name was called from behind her. Her heart thumped crazily. She hastily wiped her tears away before turning around to see her grandmother and aunty. She smiled immediately, forcing her feelings into hiding. 

“Yes, grandma?”

“Where did you come from?” Her uncle asked from the living room. 

“Look at you! It must be freezing cold out there to see your reddening cheeks! You should have worn something warm and thicker before going out before, Yoonmi,” Her grandmother added, looking worriedly at her granddaughter.

“I’m fine grandma, it wasn’t that cold though. Look, I’m wearing three layers of clothes already. This is more than enough to keep me warm. I just came from the backyard to see the campfire,” Yoonmi explained as she approached them at sat beside her grandmother. Yoonmi slung her arms around the elder, tightly hugging her as she snuggled into her embrace like a child. Her grandmother hugged her back as she kept tapping her back lovingly. She missed her granddaughters so much and now they were here with her. At least, with her granddaughters around her, she could fill in the empty feelings she had ever since her son and daughter-in-law (which was Eunmi and Yoonmi parents) left her forever.

“Backyard? But Eunmi said you weren’t there,” Her grandfather spoke.

“Eunmi? Is she home already?” Yoonmi asked back. She didn’t know Eunmi was already home! She must have arrived when Yoonmi was talking to...Suho before.

“Yes, she asked where you were once she got here. So I told her you went to the backyard! Oh, right. Suho must be there too since he asked for our permission to look around the house!”

“Where’s Suho? Why he doesn’t come in with you?”

“He’s still outside...enjoying the night view.” Yoonmi lied. “Where’s Eunmi?”

“She came in a few minutes ago and went straight into her room, she doesn’t look good though. I think she caught a cold or is just tired, most probably.”

Yoonmi froze, she didn’t feel good. Yoonmi voluntary stood up, excusing herself and went straight into the bedroom to check on Eunmi. When she got into the room, Eunmi was already sleeping with a blanket covering her whole body. Yoonmi silently sat at the edge of the bed; trying not to wake her sleeping sister up. She must be tired, Yoonmi thought by seeing how fast Eunmi fell asleep that night. She sighed, patting Eunmi’s back gently as she continued looking at Eunmi’s fully covered body.

“I’m sorry for everything, Eunmi.” She whispered even though she was pretty sure Eunmi wasn’t listening to her apology She just wanted to say that to Eunmi, she just told Suho that she was still in love with him. Regrets? No, she did not have them. She didn’t regret telling Suho how much she loved him. What she regretted the most was lying almost all the time to Eunmi with a thought of wanting to see her happy with the guy she loves. If only she could turn back time, Yoonmi really wanted to tell Eunmi the truth, if only. Unfortunately, even a million regrets wouldn't rewind time. She knew because she had tried. Neither would a million tears. She knew because she had cried that many.

Xiumin’s gentle smiles suddenly flashed on her mind. She needed Xiumin to help her handling these horrible feelings she was facing right now. She knew, Xiumin was always the right person to talk to. Too bad, he wasn’t here with her.

Yoonmi crawled up to the bed, lying next to Eunmi and tried to close her swollen eyes. She didn’t even know when she fell asleep, but when she woke up the next morning, Eunmi wasn’t there anymore. Eunmi wasn’t lying next to her, not the way she was last night. Yoonmi rubbed her sleepy eyes, scanning around the room. But Eunmi was nowhere to be found. She begin to panic a bit, Yoonmi quickly stepped outside of the room and bumped into her uncle and Suho; who seemed to just finished taking a bath. Yoonmi awkwardly smiled at her uncle; pretended not to notice Suho’s presence there even when he was obviously was standing right next to her uncle.

“I just woke up, but Eunmi wasn’t in the room. Did you know where she is, uncle?”

“Oh, I just came back from sending her to the train station! She said she has some important stuff to deal with in Seoul this morning, so she needed to go back to Seoul first,” Her uncle explained, as Yoonmi’s furrowed her eyebrows; not believing what she just heard. “Didn’t she tell you about this? I thought she had told you before leaving this morning! Suho too, didn’t you know anything? You’re her boyfriend after all...” Her uncle added not long after that, looking at Suho who was startled with his statement, just like Yoonmi. He knew nothing about Eunmi suddenly leaving the house in that early morning. Suho just woke up about thirty-five minutes ago and he just went straight into the bathroom to clean himself.

“We were planning to bring the three of you out today to eat sashimi at my favourite restaurant but there’s only two of you left since Eunmi just go back to Seoul this morning.” Her aunt spoke, suddenly came out from the kitchen and staring at Suho and Yoonmi.

“Did she tell you if she’s coming back to Pohang or not?” Yoonmi asked, her heart beating twice as fast than normal. She really didn’t feel good about this. Why would Eunmi just leave without telling her anything? This is really not Eunmi. Yoonmi took a quick glance towards Suho, he looked like he was spacing out from the moment they heard of Eunmi’s sudden departure. He must be feeling disturbed with Eunmi’s act, too, Yoonmi thought.

“She did not. She just said that she’ll come back once she cleared out everything.” Her uncle answered casually, as he headed towards the dining table and sat. His wife was busy preparing a breakfast for them, leaving Yoonmi or Suho with no space or opportunity to ask any further. The morning passed without any news from Eunmi. She didn’t answer Yoonmi’s call at all. Suho tried to contact her, but he received the same result as Yoonmi. That evening, not being able to stay silent anymore, Yoonmi too, decided to return to Seoul to check on Eunmi, but with a promise that she’ll come back to Pohang in a few days and spend her entire semester break with her grandparents, uncle and aunty. The elders seemed to be worried if there were something off with the three of them Or if Yoonmi and Eunmi had a fight, but Yoonmi calmly tried to convince them that everything was alright between Eunmi, Suho and her. So, Yoonmi returned to Seoul with Suho, riding the train. It was such a painful and torturing period for Yoonmi to be alone with Suho. She tried really hard to act as if nothing had happened between them last night, but Suho was different. He kept looking at her in silence while Yoonmi just looked outside of the train window most of the time.

Suho looked like he wanted to say something to Yoonmi, but he couldn’t. Her words kept lingering in his mind, echoing, filling up his thought and heart. After the long, intense journey, they finally arrived at Seoul Station. Both of them were about to depart and go their own ways when Suho suddenly grabbed her wrist gently, pulling her closer towards him.

“Is this really a goodbye to us?” He asked; ready to release her hand if she growled an objection. 

A staggering shock of energy shoots straight into her veins, straight into her heart. This time, she didn’t avoid seeing his eyes. Every time she looked at her she felt brighter inside, and she yearned to keep his attention, to hold his gaze. When she looked back into his eyes, there was nothing there to see, nothing but her own mistakes staring back at her. She never answered. She couldn’t. All she could do was stare, reaching toward him with her gaze. No further words were necessary.

 

 

Yoonmi entered her house as she frantically looking for Eunmi around the house. Eunmi hadn’t answered her calls since a few hours ago. She was deadly worried if there was something bad happened to her sister. No! She didn’t even want to imagine that! She had been through that horrible feeling of almost loosing Eunmi, she didn’t think she could face that ever again. Yoonmi quickly went to the second floor where Eunmi’s room was located. It was where Eunmi was when Eunmi was nowhere to be found on the first floor. She could see a pair of shoes that Eunmi usually wore on the shoe rack when she entered the house earlier, so she assumed that Eunmi must be home right now.

“Eunmi-ah...” She called, knocking the room door at the same time but she received no reply. Yoonmi stood infront of the door anxiously before she decided to knock again. Silence; still no answer from Eunmi. Yoonmi sighed in disappointment as she tried to return back to the first floor when she suddenly heard a crying voice lingered in the room. Yoonmi froze, before she carefully grabbed the door knob and open the door, slightly. Eunmi was there, sitting at the edge of her bed facing the other side of the room. Yoonmi made her way into the room as she called her name again.

“Eunmi-ah...” Eunmi froze, refused to answer her. “Jung Eunmi...” Yoonmi repeated, softer and calmer.

“Go away, Yoonmi. Just leave me alone.” Eunmi demanded without looking at her fraternal twin.

“What’s wrong, Eunmi?”

“Everything!” She shouted, finally looking up and glaring at her twin sister. “From the beginning, nothing is right, Yoonmi! Everything is wrong, everything!”

“Eun-Eun...Eunmi-ah...” Yoonmi reached her hand out, trying to hold onto Eunmi’s shoulder but Eunmi quickly pushed her hand away.

“How could you, Yoonmi? How could you lie to me? From the very beginning, it’s all lies! Do I look that stupid to you?” Eunmi exploded, not being able to control her angery disappointment any longer.

“No! No! Of course not, what are you saying Eunmi?” Yoonmi looked at her confusedly, what is happening to Eunmi? And then, a single thought strike her like a thunder! Did Eunmi know something that she should not?!

“Stop playing dumb, Jung Yoonmi! I’ve heard everything, every single word between Suho and you yesterday!” Eunmi yelled furiously, nowhere close to being calm and soft. If people were rain, Yoonmi felt like Eunmi was most likely a drizzle before turning into a hurricane. The look in Eunmi’s eyes was horribly piercing. Yoonmi took a few steps backwards, the thing that she was afraid of the most had happened!

Eunmi dragged her legs; arranging weak footsteps towards a scouch next to Eunmi's bed. She sat down, with tears started to jerk out of her eyes. She glanced at Yoonmi who was still standing still on front of her, looking surprised with the fact that she had known the truth, the bloody painful truth. Eunmi remembered that night when she just got back from meeting her childhood friends. Excitedly making her entrance into the house, she was greeted by her aunt. With light feelings, Eunmi asked the older woman about her sister and Suho whereabouts. After she was told by her aunt that Yoonmi just stepped outside a few moments ago, Eunmi quickly went outside, looking for Suho mostly.

She looked around the front yard but no one could be seen there. The atmosphere was quite chilling outside. She took a careful small step, as she headed toward the backyard. Her smile was naturally formed as she saw Suho was there with Yoonmi. They seemed to be in a deep conversation in Eunmi eyes, by seeing how intense the atmosphere was. Eunmi was curious of what they were talking about, so she drew herself closer towards them, silently as she tried to surprise them with her sudden presence. She grinned mischievously in the dark, tip-toeing over her feet so that they won’t notice her being there. She was about to jump out of her hideout and surprise them when she heard Suho’s voice, he sounded very helpless and genuine. Eunmi was left frozen in her hideout as she continued eaves-dropping Yoonmi and Suho’s conversation.

 

 “You know what? Trying to forget you is harder than I thought.” He suddenly confessed. His voice softened. He was hesitating for a seconds before he continued, “I keep telling myself that these feelings will pass, but every time I hear your voice and see your face, I fall even harder for you. Revenge? It’s just bull!” Suho felt completely defeated with his own heart.

Eunmi froze, confused

“What revenge?” Yoonmi furrowed her eyebrows; curious.

“Trying to make you regret for everything that happened to us, does it sounds like revenge to you? You see how happy I am with Eunmi? You see all those affection and love that I tried to show towards her, in front of you? The date too. Yeah, it’s all lie. The hardest thing I’ve done is acting like I hate you, when really I love you more than you will ever know.” Suho mumbled, feeling extremely guilty. Only now, he remembered every single advice that Jongin gave to him when he mentioned about the ‘revenge’ before. Only now, he truly understands why Jongin never agrees with his stupid and immature plan. It only hurt him more and more.

Eunmi was in fatal shock as she heard his confession, its all lie. Suho’s affection and ‘love’ towards her were just merely a lie! was agape; her tears were naturally flows, wetting her cheeks.

“Eunmi loves you, she really is.” That’s the only thing she could say. He was hurt and broken, just like her. She was shocked over the fact that she’s heartbroken, even though she’s the one who instigated this and said this was the right thing and apparently wanted this. She doesn’t understand why she chose this if it’s making her lose her appetite and her spark and her desire to do anything. She’s just trying to hold on long enough to figure out why she did this in the first place.

Suho shook his head, disapproving Yoonmi’s statement as he walked towards her and attempting to bring her back closer to him but Yoonmi stiffened her body. Suho gave up, instead he gently touched her chin, trying to meet her eyes.

“And now I’m looking at you,” he said, “and if you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before but, Yoonmi, since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me.” Eunmi could feel her feet weakened, she couldn’t even stand properly as she heard him talking. “No, this is wrong! You belong to her, to my sister!” “I never loved her, can’t you understand that? I thought I would be happy for ‘revenging’ on you, but nothing works! It hurts to see you, I want to let you go, but something always pulls me back to you. I still think of you even though I said I wouldn't. I even tried to hurt you but everything just doesn’t feel right when you came near me! I miss you; I love you, not her!” Eunmi felt like she was just smashed down to earth when she heard that. Suho never likes her, the way she likes him, the way she passionately in love with him! He never did. Silence. “I love you too…so much…” She eventually said, tears already started to flow over her reddened cheeks. Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. She couldn’t lie to him anymore, she couldn’t bear it. She did love him, even though maybe not as much as he did, she loves him. That’s all she knows. Suho’s face slightly delighted with Yoonmi’s confession. But, it only lasts for a second when Yoonmi continued her words. “You were wonderful. You were kind and funny and charming and engaging and everything else I was looking for. But something didn’t feel right and something was missing. And I wanted to ignore it because I didn’t want to let you go. But, even though I did, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t, I just can’t. Eunmi is always my priority, she will always be and…you will always be the one for her I’m sorry. Please, give her the love that you used to give me. She deserved it. We might not have worked out, but I truly hope the best for you because you weren’t a bad person, our lives just needed to head in different directions. You needed to work on you and I needed to work on me, and I hope you took the time to do that. I’m sorry. I really am.” Yoonmi ended her words as she slowly walked away from him and vanished from his sight. Even she thinks she’s an idiot. She’s walking away right now with a fear that she just gave up the only person she might ever love. She was sick to her stomach thinking that there’s a big chance she will never find anyone as good as him. Eunmi quickly stepped backwards as she cautiously leaving the scene with tears falling on her cheeks when she noticed Yoonmi was coming towards her direction. Eunmi didn’t want them to know she was there, sneakily hearing everything that seemed to be a secret between Suho and Yoonmi from the moment she introduced Suho to Yoonmi. She didn’t want to see any of them at the momen eithert, Eunmi really didn’t want to! She hastily made her way into her bedroom, hiding her crying face from her aunty, uncle, and grandparents who were sitting in the living room when she came in a few minutes ago. Eunmi just pretended to be sleeping when Yoonmi got into the room, hiding her whole body under a blanket. She didn’t know how else she should do to avoid seeing Suho or Yoonmi on the next morning, so Eunmi eventually came up with a lie; she needed to go back to Seoul to settle up some important stuff in the very next morning, leaving both Yoonmi and Suho behind.   Eunmi rubbed her temple softly as she kept recalling what she heard and saw on that night. Only after that she actually could see the rationality of her insecurities and concerns regarding ‘Suho’s love’ towards her. She knew Suho wasn’t completely in love with her and she accepted the fact! She even told Yoonmi that she would try her best to make Suho loves him, sincerely, completely, sweetly, and dearly! That showed how determined she was in order to make him look at her in a very sincere way. But, knowing that she was just part of his heartbreak revenge plan, Eunmi couldn’t help herself but feel extremely used and disappointed. She felt tired. Everything she heard, everything she saw seemed to be in disagreement with her own manner of understanding and feeling. There was a time when she felt like all those sweet act and confession of him belonged to someone else. She was right. Even though at first, she never thought it could be this kind of right. That kind of, he loved Yoonmi instead of her, he played with her heart while trying to break Yoonmi’s and he never moved on from loving Yoonmi even though she didn’t want him back. Yoonmi took a deep long breathe, trying to solve the problem rationally. She had been deceived by Yoonmi and Suho. But, on the top of that, she realised Yoonmi was just trying to not to ruin her so-called happiness which was Suho. “I thought, I could provide you the happiness you’re seeking for by-” “By tossing Suho to me when you’re obviously the only one he wanted?” Eunmi cut her words off, feeling irritated. “I’m so thankful with the fact that you always cared everything about me! But, this is just too much, Yoonmi. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Why didn’t you tell me that Suho is your boyfriend? I cannot guarantee that I would be completely cool about you and Suho since I do have feelings for him, but at least I know! At least I can try to accept you being with him as his girlfriend before my feelings toward him grow deeper! Look at me now, I was just a tool for him to get revenge on you. But I guess, I am not completely a ‘revenge tools’ since he obviously still in love with you. Madly.” Eunmi chuckled dryly, feeling dumb and hopeless. “I thought you have forgotten our bloody past, I thought you had moved on from the guilt feeling. Seems like I’m wrong, you are still caged down by that accident. You’re still caged down by the feeling of wanting to repay that bloody good deed.” “I tried, Eunmi! Who said I never tried to forget our past? Every single night, I was haunted by a nightmare. Blood, snow and unidentified noises were everywhere I could lay my eyes on! You were dying in front of my eyes but I could do nothing! You saved my life but you almost lose yours! I know, sooner or later I should pay for my bloody debt. I cannot act like it means nothing to me, as if it never affects me. I thought I would live like that forever, but then he came into my life. Every word from him, it feels like a miracle, a miracle that opens my eyes and sees my own live in a very different perspective! I feel alive, Eunmi! He made me feel that and later, I knew I’m in love with him...” Yoonmi paused; she walked closer to Eunmi and took an empty seat next to her. Her hand was trembling when she tried to grab Eunmi’s hand. “And...I’m still...am. I still...love him. I am sorry, Eunmi. I wanted to tell you about him but I was too slow for that. One day, you introduced him to me as the man you are in love with, what should I do then? Are you expecting me to just tell you to get off of him because he is my boyfriend? I can’t do that Eunmi. You are always my priority! I don’t want to see my sister being heartbroken because of me; you had sacrificed enough for me...” Yoonmi said softly. Yoonmi’s eyes shattered like a glass window. She sank on the couch; finally letting the sadness overcome her. The pain seemed to swallow her into a deep abyss that she could never escape. Somehow she thought it’s her fault. The hot, salty tears were flooding Yoonmi's cheeks and dripping off her chin. She opened to say something, anything, but all that came out were deep, gut-wrenching sobs that tore through her chest and convulsed her small body. Yoonmi felt like she was nothing less than a paradox, she wanted to be happy but she kept remembering things that make her feel sad and helpless, she hated herself for not being able to move on from her past, but she still loves herself for who she was. Sometimes, she craved for love and attention, but she had to reject it when it comes to her ways. She was a conflicted contradiction. She knew, if she couldn’t figure out herself, there’s no one else would. Eunmi stayed silent, she knew Yoonmi still loves Suho; she had heard everything that night. She knew Yoonmi did this with a thought of not wanting to see her heart broken. But, she still felt betrayed and disappointed! But then, another adjective struck her, she was selfish! That’s what Suho called her before, she was selfish! She was selfish for wanting to win her own happiness while Yoonmi; her sister had to give up on her love so that Eunmi could win her trophy. Now she understood why he said that. “I don’t want to be selfish, but ended up being one. I just realised that now. You’re doing this, hoping to see me happy with the man I love. But, have you ever thought how it horrible it could be to know the man you believed love you was just playing games with you? Have you? What do you think I would feel right now? If you really want to see me happy, you won’t do this Yoonmi! You would just tell me the truth instead of lying right on my face. Please, just forget everything that happened in the past! I wanted to cherish this life with you in a very proper and genuine ways! I’ve said this so many times! I am your sister, why would you think to repay me? I was supposed to protect you when I could just like what other siblings normally did and there will be no repay or debt applied for that! You are hurting me right now, both Suho and you were just hurting me by telling lies. You cared about me too much that it eventually hurting me!” Her eyes turned bright red as the tears started pouring from her puffy eyes. Eunmi cried, covering her face with palms. Tears streamed her cheeks. Like fountains her eyes filled with tears. Like rain in the winter, her cheeks poured the disappointment. “I love you, Yoonmi. Please...I’m begging you; please stop torturing your heart and life! You need to move on, as much as you hate seeing my tears, I don’t want to see you keep living in misery either!” “Eun-Eunmi-ah...” “Promise me, you’ll come back to him...just like when I never existed between you and him before...promise me.” Eunmi decided, leaving Yoonmi speechless in her seat. Eunmi turned her body to face Yoonmi as she roughly wiped her hot tears away. Yoonmi shook her head in disagreement. With both hands holding onto Yoonmi's shoulders, Eunmi repeated her words; sounded more confident and determined than before. “If you really love me, if you really want to see me happy, don’t let him go because of me. You just turned me into a pathetic soul when you left him for me! His heart always belonged to you. I don’t even stand a tiny chance to change that! I realised that after I heard everything on that night. I’m returning your love back to you, Yoonmi...the love that I snatched from you. Please-” “I can’t, Eunmi. I really can’t do that anymore. After all those selfish decisions I made, I don’t think I can get back to him. I don’t have a right for that. I’m sorry for all those lies. I thought I’ve made a right decision, but it seemed like I’m just hurting people who loves me. He doesn’t deserve a girl like me...he deserves someone better, someone like you.” Yoonmi frantically stood up, with her back facing Eunmi. Yoonmi stepped a few steps ahead, away from Eunmi. She slowly turned around, trying to face Eunmi with a pile of unsettled and mixed feelings.

“No! You cannot just let him go just because you don’t want to hurt me. You have your own happiness to think about. You love him, you know that.” Yoonmi’s heart seemed to stop. Eunmi paused, as if gathering her thoughts, or her courage, then took a deep breath. “Everybody made mistakes, even I did,” she continued, shaking her head. “But there’s still the chance for me to fix them. I should have been more alert of your feelings, Yoonmi. I’m sorry for always being full of myself; I neglected your feelings in between that. I really hope we could start anew. I don’t want us to grow distant from each other just because we love the same guy. He’s always yours. But I, being selfish, I took him away from you. Suho was right, I am selfish.” Her brow creased, a flicker of pain and regret going through her eyes.

Yoonmi closed her eyes for a moment then focused on her. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I never wanted this to happen to us.”

“Me neither.” Eunmi replied shortly.

“I never wanted to hurt you by not telling the truth.”

“I know, Yoonmi. I know.”

“I’m sorry for everything.” Yoonmi stated softly, unable to look up to see her sister’s face. Eunmi smiled in her tears. She slowly got up from the couch and approached Yoonmi. Eunmi gently grabbed her hands before she eventually embraced Yoonmi; pulling her into a warm tight hug.

“Promise me, go and grab your love back.” Eunmi said on her ears as she tightened the hugs.

Yoonmi was stunned for a moment. A slight headache came upon Yoonmi. An unsettling feeling kept welling inside her. Yoonmi squeezed her eyes shut and took several deep breaths, trying not to see Suho’s gentle smile in her mind, not to taste him on her lips. But it was useless. In that moment, Suho was everywhere. He was in her mind, he was in her heart, and he was in her memory. After a few moments of hesitating, Yoonmi eventually loosen up her body, forming a bitter smile on her face as she returned her sister’s hug. 

 

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yup, Eunmi was there and she listened to the whole thing! Very predictable, I know I know~ :D Anyway, we are reaching the end of this story soon. Very soon, I'm telling you. Should Yoonmi and Suho get back together? What about Xiumin, then? And Eunmi too. Hmm...I don't even know anymore.

Thank you for reading. See you on the next update! :)