Yoonmi nervously looked around the crowded train station, wondering what took Eunmi longer. She should have been here with her half an hour ago but Yoonmi ended up being there first, alone. She didn’t get to ask Eunmi where she could be at that time since Eunmi didn’t answer her phone since they left their house this morning.  The only thing Eunmi told her was that she had a surprise for Yoonmi. Yoonmi looked down to the concrete floor before her gaze returned to two train tickets in her grip. Eunmi and she were supposed to go to Pohang Province; their hometown today, as their semester break had started two days ago. Eunmi asked Yoonmi to wait for her at the train station, making a promise that she’ll be there before their scheduled train departs. Yoonmi wondered what surprise Eunmi was talking about earlier would be. 

Yoonmi ended up wandering around the train station, dragging her luggage along with her.  I should get some snacks for our long journey later, she thought. Eunmi was too excited when she left earlier, she didn’t even eat the breakfast that Yoonmi prepared this morning. After getting a plastic full of snacks, breads and drinks, Yoonmi returned back to Gate 3; where the train she waited for would be in five minutes from now.

Five minutes?!

Yoonmi’s eyes widened in shock! Eunmi was supposed to be here, right now or they might miss their train! She kept tip-toeing over the crowd, hoping Eunmi would pop out from the crowd! But then, a familiar voice calling for Yoonmi’s name was heard from far. Yoonmi frantically looked around as she saw Eunmi was running towards her in between the crowd. Yoonmi was about to ask Eunmi what took her so long but she suddenly stopped at her track after she noticed a figure was following Eunmi from behind, a very familiar figure, dressing in black and white knitted shirt and cotton pant. Her eyes were widened in shock.

Suho.

Kim Junmyeon.

In seconds, Eunmi was already in front of her, looking tired and out of breath from running earlier.

“I’m sorry, Yoonmi! We’re not late right? Did we miss the train already? Where’s the train?” Eunmi bombarded her twin sister with questions after she managed to catch her breath.

“Eun-Eunmi-ah, I-” Her eyes met Suho’s but it only lasts for seconds before Yoonmi quickly looked away. She felt extremely awkward facing him as her sister’s boyfriend. Yoonmi tried to fake a smile as she slightly bowed towards Suho, showing her manners and Suho did the same; keeping a straight face.

“Oh, almost forgot! Surprise!” she chirped excitedly, linking her arms onto Suho’s as she widely grinned. “Suho oppa will come with us today! I asked him to come with us on our date last week and he agreed right away. I’m sorry we are late; I went to his apartment earlier so that we could come here together but we were caught in traffic jam. I’m glad we made it, anyway!” Eunmi explained, not letting Suho’s arm go. Suho seemed to ‘enjoy’ Eunmi’s affection towards him as he gently pulled Eunmi closer towards him, much closer than before. Yoonmi could see that, very clearly.

Yoonmi’s heart sank at the way Eunmi called him.

Oppa.

That’s what she used to call him when they dated before. Now, she had lost every single right to call him that. They were just merely strangers to each other now, strangers with memories together.

“It’s been awhile, Jung Yoonmi.” His voice sounded calm and friendly. All Yoonmi could do as a respond is smile even thought it was obviously a fake, bitter one. Yoonmi never thought he would come with them today. She was already terrified by the thought that they would be living under the same roof for the next few days. It means, she would see his face every single day. Even seeing him now already made her feel tortured enough, and now she needed to live with that feelings for another few days! Yoonmi felt guilty somehow, how could she felt that way? She was the one who’s letting him go, she was the one who pushed him to Eunmi, and she was the one who wanted this happen. But now, why did she felt like this? Eunmi is obviously happy with him, wasn’t she supposed to be happy for her too?

“The train’s here! Let’s go.” Yoonmi said as she notices the train they waited for had arrived.

They got into the train, Eunmi took a seat next to Suho and Yoonmi sat in front of her, beside the glass window. As the train sets off, Yoonmi carefully placed a plastic tray full of junk food, drinks and breads that she bought earlier on a small table in front of them.

“Ah, food! Did you buy all of this Yoonmi?” Eunmi asked as she grabbed a packet of potato chips, noticing that it was one of her favorite brand and flavor.

“Yes…earlier, before-”

“But, I’ve eaten with Suho oppa earlier before coming here though.” Eunmi cuts her words off and putting the packet back on the table; looking uninterested as if junks food weren’t part of her diet routines.

“Ah…so, you’ve eaten.” Yoonmi was at loss of words. “I-I’ll just put this aside, then…” Yoonmi added as she slowly put back the packets into a plastic bag.

“Will you eat again if I feed you by myself? I really want to do that with you.” Suho suddenly said, grabbing a can of fruit juice and potato chips from the plastic bag. It didn’t take long for Eunmi to open and start munching the chips that Suho fed her. Yoonmi just silently stared at both Eunmi and Suho before she looked out of the window. For a few hours she would be a silent audience of their affection towards each other. She had nowhere to escape.

A few hours passed, they finally arrived at Pohang Station. Yoonmi woke Eunmi up who happened to fall asleep on Suho shoulder. The twin's uncle, Jung Jungwoon, fetched them from the station. He was their late father's younger brother. He brought them to Shiwae Village, where their grandparents house stood.

“We are here!” Their uncle shouted in excitement as they hopped off the car. Their grandparents and aunty were already waited for their arrival in front of the house. Yoonmi and Eunmi greeted the elders, givining them warm hugs and kisses.

“Who’s this young man?” the twins’ aunty asked, pointing at the well mannered looking Suho. He smiled at them before greeting, bowing and introducing himself.

“He’s Yoonmi’s friend, my school senior and also…my boyfriend! I asked him to come with us; you don’t mind him coming with us, right grandma, grandpa? ” Eunmi added right after Suho finished introducing himself.

“Ah, so our little girl already has a boyfriend? Of course we don’t mind, the many the merrier isn’t it! Plus, he’s your boyfriend after all; of course we should get to know each other!” Her grandmother said, teasingly as all of them laughed at Eunmi’s shy expression.

“How about Yoonmi? Do you have a boyfriend already?” Her uncle asked, as Yoonmi just offered him a smile as an answer.

“She did! Way earlier than me, uncle! Maybe next time, we should invite him together too!” Eunmi suggested excitedly as the elders just smilingly nodded in agreement.

“Let’s get in; we were still preparing food for all of you. It’s almost done; we thought you’d arrived by tonight. In the meantime, just get some rest first! Come in, Suho sshi, Eunmi, Yoonmi!”

As all of them entered the traditional looking house, Yoonmi went straight into the kitchen with her grandmother and aunty as Eunmi and Suho were left with their uncle in the dining room. Suho mostly had an awkward-yet-heartwarming conversation with Eunmi’s uncle as Eunmi just sat next to him listening to their conversation and only talked when she felt needed. A few minutes later, her uncle left them together as he needed to pluck a winter melon from their vegetables garden not far away from the house. Suho insisted to help but her uncle asked him to rest instead. He looked to the side, noticing Eunmi kept staring at him with a cute smile on her face. Eunmi quickly stood up, tidying up the dining table and reorganizing the chairs, feeling ashamed of herself for getting too carried away with his good looking face.

“Do you like me that much?” He asked, smiling at her.

Eunmi looked up, registered his face and smiled immediately. She held onto the back of a chair to steady her legs.

‘Jeez, he’s got a nice smile!’

“Do you like my smile?” he asked again, walking towards her.

“It’s the best I’ve seen,” Eunmi said honestly. And, of course, he smiled wider at her.

 “You see these…” Eunmi reached up and touched his cheeks, “…these are adorable. These…” she lightly touched his lips, “…well, I’d better not tell you what I’d like to do with these…” Eunmi answered mischievously.

His smiled disappeared as he could see Yoonmi was coming from the kitchen towards them from the corner of his eyes.

“And these…” Eunmi touched the edges of his eyes, “…they smile, too.”

Suho slightly grabbed Eunmi’s chin, so that he could clearly see her pinkish lips. Eunmi’s heart was beating so fast at Suho’s sudden act. Is he trying to kiss her here? She was worried instead of getting excited. As Suho approached her lips with his, Eunmi shut her eyes tightly; waiting for his lips to touch hers.

Suho glanced at the other side of the dining room where he could see clearly Yoonmi was staring at them, frozen in her track. Suho grabbed her waist, closer to his body as he shortened the distance between their lips. His lips were only an inch away from Eunmi’s, but Suho suddenly stopped. Yoonmi wasn’t there anymore, she was gone.

Suho exhaled, letting Eunmi go as he pulled his face away from hers. Suho felt empty suddenly, wondering why he kept doing that; breaking his own heart while trying to break hers.

Eunmi was dumbfounded at his act as she blankly starred at him.

“Next time.” Suho said, as he slightly pokes her nose.

Eunmi pouted, realizing that Suho was just teasing her as Suho dragged her back to her seat, right next to him. Half an hour later, the food was completely ready. They enjoyed their meals as it had been a while since they sat and eat together. Right after finishing her meal, Eunmi received a phone call from her childhood friends, asking for a meeting in that evening and there’s no way Eunmi  would turn her friends down! It has been awhile since she met them. So, after helping Yoonmi, her grandma and aunty clearing up and washing dishes, Eunmi quickly got into her uncle’s car, though he was the one who’d send her to her friends’ place.

“Wait, are you leaving your boyfriend behind?” Her aunty shouted from the front door. Eunmi popped her head out of the car window with guilty expression.

“Uhm…” Unsure what to say, Eunmi wiggled her eyebrows.

“It’s alright; she probably wanted some privacy with her friends. I’ll be fine here.” Suho answered politely for Eunmi as Eunmi grinned widely at Suho.

“Yes, he’s right. This young man need to get some rest too, it’s his first time being here so give him some space to rest. He’s probably tired from the long journey. Unlike Eunmi, she’s always full with enthusiasm. Maybe tomorrow, all of us can walk around Jukdo Market together!” Her grandfather added, gently patting Suho’s shoulder repeatedly as a sign that he’s welcomed in the family.

“I’ll be back soon, oppa.  I promise I won’t take so long. See you!” Eunmi cheerfully bided them goodbye as the car drifted away.

 

 

The air wasn’t that freezing there, maybe because winter season was already in its end. The village was quite at night, only the sounds of wild crickets and mountain dogs could be heard from afar. Yooonmi really missed this atmosphere, this calm and refreshing feeling.  Yoonmi stepped out of her grandparent’s house and slowly walking towards the backyard where the campfire was set up; just like what her uncle told her earlier during dinner. It was something usual them to set up the campfire in the backyard during winter since their relatives love to gather around and having a mini BBQ party whenever they had some time to spend with their families.

As she walked near the campfire, Yoonmi noticed a man figure already sitting around the fire; heating himself up most probably. She took a closer look towards the figure only to realize it was Suho. She almost forgot Suho was still here with them. She mentally questioned her sister’s act, why didn’t she bring Suho with her before? She thought Eunmi would introduce her boyfriend to her childhood friends! Eunmi said she will be back soon but it was already 9.00 PM and she hasn’t come back yet. Yoonmi quickly stepped back, trying to leave the scene silently but she was already too late.

“Aren’t you making it look so obvious? You’ve been avoiding me since we got here this evening.” She could hear his voice talking to her. “Do you really hate to see my face so much?” he added without looking back at her.

Yoonmi was frozen at her track, he was right. She had been avoiding being in the same place with him since they arrived earlier. She couldn’t do anything when they were on the train before, she couldn’t run anywhere. So, Yoonmi just let herself be stuck with him for a few hours. Now that they already here, Yoonmi thought it would be easier for her to avoid him, she was free to walk and go anywhere she wanted to. But it wasn’t as easy as she thought it would be.

Fate.

Is that what had brought Yoonmi to him tonight?

Yoonmi tried to look not affected with his presence at all. She took a few steps towards him, as she took a seat on a wooden chair around the campfire, facing him on opposite direction. Someday, she’ll be sure of herself and wise and certain in her decisions. But for now, she’s just trying to fake it long enough to get through each day. And for now, that’s enough. Keeping a calm expression, Yoonmi took a quick glance towards him as he already staring at her. She didn’t hate him; she never hated him in the first place. Even thought they weren’t meant to be each other's lover, at least they could be friends, couldn't they?

They locked their eyes for a moment but Yoonmi eventually looked down. His stare didn’t feel the same anymore. It was cold; aggressive and fierce stare, as if it was meant to tear her sight apart. Yoonmi could feel that.  Suho continued to stare at her in silence before he too, eventually throwing his gaze into the fire. He wondered, why would Yoonmi come and sit with him when she obviously kept avoiding him since before. She looked rather calm, which was quite surprising to Suho, as if nothing ever happened between them before. Was she planning another ‘game’ with him? No matter what, Suho was mentally ready. He would show her how it actually played!

“How-how... are you doing, Suho sshi?” she spoke, trying to sound friendly and composed.

Suho sarcastically chuckled at her question. “Don't ask me how I'm doing; I might think that you really care.” He replied coldly, looking fiercely into the burning fire woods.

Yoonmi bit her lower lip, slightly hurt with his words.

“I do care. I wish we could be together like before: friends at least, not heartbroken strangers.”

Friends?

Suho didn’t think they would be friends after what had happened between them. The pain was still burning in his soul. He remained silent as he kept studying her calm expression. Was she really not affected with their breakup at all? Was he the only one who suffered from all the mess? Did he really mean nothing to her, not even a bit? Suho wondered that.

“I hate seeing you.” He suddenly said, leaving Yoonmi in shock. She kind of expected that from him actually, he must hate her so much for shattering his heart into pieces and for not fighting for their love. “I hate seeing you because you bring back the feelings I try so hard to forget…” Suho added, ruffling his hair as he looked at her.

The look in his eyes had change. It was the gentle and calming look that Suho used to look at her before, the look that Yoonmi haven’t seen for awhile. She missed the look in his eyes; she missed the way he looked at her. But this is wrong! She shouldn’t feel like this, he is Eunmi’s happiness! Yoonmi frantically stood up from her seat, attempting to run away from the unwanted feelings but Suho stopped her, she could feel his warm fingers grabbing her arm and not letting her go.

“Suho-Suho…sshi, please let me go.” She said, half pleading.

“I thought you wanted us to be friends?” He sarcastically questioned her. “If you really do…please, listen to me first. I doubt you would still want us to be friends after I say it all…”

Yoonmi regrets for saying that, right away! She shouldn’t have said that? Friends?! Even she herself, knew it was just a bull! She kept praying that they would never meet each other again and now she’s asking for a friendship from him?

She lied!

She obviously did, and she completely aware of that. Yoonmi sighed; she could feel Suho firm grip on her shoulders as he turned her around to face him. They were too close to each other, too close that Yoonmi felt like she could turned into ashes in seconds from his burning fierce gaze.

“Are you happy, now?” He whispered, sending chills to every single cell in her body.

“I-I am…I am happy.” She muttered, refusing to stare back at him. Yoonmi tried to get away from him but Suho tightened his grip, forcing Yoonmi to stand still right in front of his eyes.

“I know you’re lying, Jung Yoonmi.”

“I’m not! This is all I wanted, and it happened already. Eunmi is obviously happy with you, I couldn’t be happier than now.”

“Another lie.”

“I’m happy with my life now, I really am!” She exclaimed as she hastily stepped a few steps away from him, away from his grip.

“Yeah, yeah. Of course you are happy now. You broke up with me, crushed my heart into million pieces and shove me away to your sister because she likes me and you love her. She means everything to you and I mean nothing. Everything is happening according to your plan. Yes, of course. I know, I know, Jung Yoonmi.” Suho laughed at his own words, as if he was slowly losing his mind. “I just…you know, I never knew how quickly I would go from someone you loved to someone you used to know.” His laughter stopped, replaced with darker and unreadable expression. He looked rather hurt and disappointed. She didn’t think she’s great enough to hurt someone this much, which makes this entire thing even more strange and confusing to her.

She didn’t want anything to do with this. She hated the situation and she hated herself in this moment. Suho looked at Yoonmi like she was someone he'x never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, she could hardly blame him. Yoonmi knew she often looked onto herself; she was a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to her own eyes. She was pathetic for not being able to fight for her own happiness and move on from her bloody pass. Deep down, she really felt like she did the right thing. But she also knew that she made someone else hurt in the process. She felt selfish and crazy and not deserving of love. She couldn't process the fact that this was the right thing and yet somehow she felt like a monster.

“I-I can’t-”

For the second time, Suho had lost to his own feelings. He had lost again to his feelings towards her.

“You know what? Trying to forget you is harder than I thought.” He suddenly confessed. His voice softened. He was hesitating for a seconds before he continued, “I keep telling myself that these feelings will pass, but every time I hear your voice and see your face, I fall even harder for you. Revenge? It’s just bull!”

Suho felt completely defeated with his own heart!

“What revenge?” Yoonmi furrowed her eyebrows; curious.

“Trying to make you regret for everything that happened to us, does it sounds like revenge to you? You see how happy I am with Eunmi? You see all those affection and love that I tried to show towards her, in front of you? The date, too. Yeah, it’s all lie. The hardest thing I’ve done is acting like I hate you, when really I love you more than you will ever know.” Suho mumbled, feeling extremely guilty. Only now, he remembered every single advice that Jongin gave to him when he mentioned about the ‘revenge’ before. Only now, he truly understands why Jongin never agreed with his stupid and immature plan. It only hurt him more and more.

“Eunmi loves you, she really does.” That’s the only thing she could say. He was hurt and broken, just like her. She was shocked over the fact that she’s heartbroken, even though she was the one who instigated this and said this was the right thing and apparently wanted this. She didn’t understand why she chose this if it only made her lose her appetite and her spark and her desire to do anything. She was just trying to hold on long enough to figure out why she did this in the first place.

Suho shook his head, disapproving Yoonmi’s statement as he walked towards her and attempting to bring her back closer to him but Yoonmi stiffened her body. Suho gave up, instead he gently touched her chin, trying to meet her eyes.

“And now I’m looking at you,” he said, “and if you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before but, Yoonmi, since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me.”

“No, this is wrong! You belong to her, to my sister!”

“I never loved her, can’t you understand that? I thought I would be happy for ‘revenging’ on you, but nothing works! It hurts to see you, I want to let you go, but something always pulls me back to you. I still think of you even though I said I wouldn't. I even tried to hurt you but everything just doesn’t feel right when you came near me! I miss you, I love you, not her!”

Silence.

“I love you too…so much…” She eventually said, tears already started to flow over her reddened cheeks. Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. She couldn’t lie to him anymore, she couldn’t bear it. She did love him, even though maybe not as much as he did, she loves him. That’s all she knew. Suho’s face slightly delighted with Yoonmi’s confession. But, it only lasted for a second when Yoonmi continued her words.

“You were wonderful. You were kind and funny and charming and engaging and everything else I was looking for. But something didn’t feel right and something was missing. And I wanted to ignore it because I didn’t want to let you go. But, even though I did, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t, I just can’t. Eunmi is always my priority, she will always be and…you will always be the one for her I’m sorry. Please, give her the love that you used to give me. She deserved it. We might not have worked out, but I truly hope the best for you because you weren’t a bad person, our lives just needed to head in different directions. You needed to work on you and I needed to work on me, and I hope you took the time to do that. I’m sorry. I really am.” Yoonmi ended her words as she slowly walked away from him and vanished from his sight. Even she thinks she’s an idiot. She was walking away right now with a fear that she just gave up the only person she might ever love. She was sick to her stomach thinking that there’s a big chance she will never find anyone as good as him.

Suho just numbly stood there in silence, processing every single word from Yoonmi. For a second time, he could hear his heart was shattered into million pieces, and this time, it was beyond repaired. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to find all the pieces of his heart to make it whole again and the truth is he never got all the pieces back of his heart from loving her.