Yoonmi sat numbly on the piano bench. It was another torturing and painful day for her to go through. Her eyes were cast down towards the white and black keys, but she was not truly seeing them. She had not been seeing much of anything it seemed.

‘Life is like a piano. White keys represent joy. Black shows sadness. As you go through life, remember that black keys make music too.’

That’s what Xiumin said during their piano lesson a week ago and his words stuck in her mind since then. Her fingers automatically stopped at the black keys. Her days have been flashing by her in a blurred mess. Her heart ached inside of her chest. Yoonmi knew it hurt because of what had happened between Suho and her. But what else was she to do? She’s the reason why all those s happened. Even so, she would rather feel like this forever than inflict this pain on her beloved sister. Yoonmi sighed, half-heartedly dragging her fingers across the keys. Even though she was not playing a melody, the piano still sounded out with a pleasant tone. Thanks to Xiumin’s lesson, she was able to play the piano now. Even though it wasn’t sound as professional as Xiumin’s, it least it’s better than nothing.

It made Yoonmi smile softly. Surely if her pitiful fingers could produce something pretty by mistake, her blundering attempts at life could still produce something of worth. Maybe even something lovely. Her smile vanished. Maybe, if she prayed hard enough, her mistakes would no longer be able to hurt Eunmi.

‘But Suho sshi….I-‘

“You’re early,” a kind voice said. Yoonmi shook her head, brushing away her thoughts of the young man she had so recently pushed out of her life. She offered Xiumin a small wave of her hand as he took a seat next to her.

“You look like you’ve been crying,” he said, his gaze sweeping over her face. Flushing, Yoonmi turned her face away from him. She placed her hands on the keys once more, gently pushing them down. This time it sounded more chaotic and abrasive. Yoonmi ripped her hands off the piano and cradled them in her lap. If Xiumin noticed, he did not mention it.

“It’s the cold,” she lied. “It’s making my eyes water.” A cold feeling gripped her heart. Since when did she lie so often? Since when did they fall from her lips without a second thought? Still, Yoonmi had not told Xiumin about her breakup. Not yet, not while it still hurt so badly.

Xiumin nodded, accepting her explanation without asking any further. She’ll let him know if she wants.

“Well,” he spoke. “I was thinking that instead of a normal lesson, I could take you somewhere today. I’m too lazy to give another lesson today. Plus, you are such a fast learner. If I teach you everything without a single break, there’s no more left for me to teach you.” Xiumin chuckled as he grinned.

Surprised, Yoonmi glanced up at him.

“Take me where?” she asked, unsure of what he meant.

She had rarely gone anywhere with Xiumin. They normally met inside the abandoned piano room or in the cafeteria. Occasionally he would walk with her in the halls. They had never ventured too far from the campus. Xiumin only smiled, leaning back to look her in the eye. His trusting and open gaze only served to make her feel guilty. So far she had only hurt those who trusted her. First Eunmi, and then Suho. Would she add Xiumin to the list?

“I want you to meet someone special,” Xiumin replied.

Yoonmi bit her lip, weighing her options. She really didn’t want to go anywhere, but Xiumin looked so hopeful and excited. Letting out a breath, she nodded.

“Would it be fine? I mean...if you really want to take a break from this lesson, isn’t it better for you to spend your time with your friends?”

“No. Spending time with them almost equal to getting yourself into a volcanic mountain intentionally; too much trouble and risks. I’ve seen them enough, in our classes.”

“But...Luhan Sunbae and the one named Huang Zitao, not sure if he’s my sunbae or not. They have been eyeing me weirdly recently. I think they didn’t like you spending your free time with me, instead with them, Sunbae.” Yoonmi tried to explain. She did notice the way they looked at her whenever she accidentally met them, in the cafeteria mostly. She knew something wasn’t right, but she was just too tired to figure it out. She was mentally and emotionally tired.

“That’s because they thought we’re dating. Nothing’s weird about that. Shall we go now?”

Silence. Xiumin’s quick answer leaves Yoonmi with no other choices.

“Okay,” she said. “Let’s go, then.”

Xiumin stood up. He offered a hand to Yoonmi, and helped her to her feet. As he realized she was going to go with him, a bright smile settled upon his face. Yoonmi could only offer a small smile in return. It struck her that Xiumin rarely smiled. He always seemed serious and saddened, much like herself. Even as Yoonmi was weighed down by her own problems, it made her glad that Xiumin was still able to smile and be happy. He deserved to be happy. Unlike her. The two of them walked out of the Music Room. Yoonmi kept her eyes down and away from the other students. She rarely hangs out with Hyejin now, ever since the piano lesson started. They only met each other during classes and lunch time. But still, she was more than glad to know Hyejin completely understand her situation. Plus, Xiumin is one of Hyejin’s favourite senior. She always told Yoonmi how happy she was to see Yoonmi and Xiumin together.

“Are you alright?” Xiumin asked, looking at her quizzically. Yoonmi nodded, feeling out of breath to catch up with Xiumin’s quick steps.

Xiumin led Yoonmi out of the school and to the street out front. It had snowed earlier, leaving a thin layer of crisp snow on everything. It crunched beneath their feet was they walked across it. Xiumin hailed a taxi. He opened the back door and Yoonmi slid inside. Seconds later, Xiumin followed after, closing the door securely shut behind him. He began speaking to the driver, but Yoonmi was too lost in thought to hear him. It was so much easier to feel better inside the university and at home. Outside, where the grip of winter was so obvious, everything reminded her of her failed relationships. Yoonmi sighed. Winter truly was a bitter season. Why did she feel like this winter lasts longer than ever? When will this wet...frosty and cold season ends?

‘Indeed...winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.’

Again, those phrases struck her thoughts. Again, again and over again.

“We’re here,” Xiumin said after a while, bringing Yoonmi’s messy thoughts back to earth. Yoonmi’s eyes widened as she looked outside the taxi window. At first she thought it was a mistake. Surely the taxi driver had brought them to the wrong place. However, seeing Xiumin thanked the man as he paid him, she knew they were at the right place. Confusion swirled around in Yoonmi’s head as she climbed out of the car. Her boots pushed the fresh snow down as she stood underneath the cloudy sky.

“A cemetery?” she asked. “Who wants to meet you in cemetery?” She furrowed her eyebrows.

Xiumin let out a short laugh. Somehow, his laughter seemed so different from his smile. His smile had seemed happy to Yoonmi. His laughter seemed so sad. He shook his head.

“I wanted you to meet my little sister.”

Yoonmi blinked rapidly in surprise. fell open, but she closed it without a word. She had no idea what to say. Xiumin turned and began walking through the rows of tombstones. Yoonmi watched him helplessly for a moment. Then she followed him deeper into the cemetery. The stones looked almost identical beneath the layers of snow and ice. Still, Xiumin seemed to know exactly where to go. He walked with the confidence of someone who had walked this path many times. He stopped before a small headstone. A look of sadness settled on his face. He kneeled down in the snow, reaching out to brush the snow off the stone. Then, he pulled his backpack closer, opening the zip in a very calm way before taking out a white flower from his bag. The flower was carefully placed on the tombstone.

Yoonmi stood behind him in silence. Her stomach twisted as she watched him clean off his younger sister’s grave.

“You look like her.”

He had said that when they met almost months ago.

“My little sister. It was me. She’s gone because of me. I was supposed to take care of her, but I was careless."

Yoonmi clearly remembered every single word that Xiumin said to her not long ago. She always did.

The words made her think of Eunmi. Her precious sister hadn’t been speaking to her lately. Instead, she’d been hiding in her room, avoiding Yoonmi and refusing to talk about what was making her act that way. Yoonmi shuddered. She knew it had something to do with her feelings for Suho.

“She was a pretty girl,” Xiumin said, startling Yoonmi. His shoulders sagged as he ran his fingers lovingly over his sister’s name. The words Kim Minjung were carved deep into the frozen stone.  “Just like you. She was always smiling and laughing. One of her favourite things to do was aegyo.” He let out a breathless laugh. “She was good at it too. It drove me crazy when I was younger, but now I’d do anything to see her do it one last time."

“Kim Minjung, such a beautiful name,” Yoonmi stammered, unsure of what else to say.

“Minjung was always the sweet one, the bubblier one. She could make friends with anyone, I swear. They couldn’t help it and I don’t she could either.” Xiumin sighed. “She was adorable.”

Yoonmi’s heart sank. She felt so guilty. Here was her friend, kneeling in the snow as he talked about his dead sister. But all she could think about was Eunmi. She had almost lost Eunmi once. That time it had been so painful, so damaging, she had sworn to never come close to losing her again. Yoonmi had promised to take care of her. She had sworn to never be careless with Eunmi’s health or her feelings. But in the space of a few weeks she had both shattered those promises. Even worse, she had made new promises and broken those as well. The image of Suho’s crying face rose in her mind. Yoonmi shuddered, trying to push it away. It failed.

She had hurt Suho to keep Eunmi happy.

Yoonmi had to do it.

In the end, her own happiness didn’t matter if Eunmi was happy.

Wasn’t that what she had told herself from the beginning?

‘If Eunmi is happy, then I am happy….but why does this hurt so much? Why does it feel as if I’m dying inside?’

“Yoonmi?” Xiumin’s gentle voice pulled her from her thoughts. Yoonmi felt a tear roll down her cheek. She reached up and brushed it away. She felt it freeze to her finger in the frigid winter air. Xiumin looked concerned as he gazed up at her. Yoonmi bowed her head, mumbling an apology. He stood up, brushing off his knees. Facing her, Xiumin placed a hand on her upper arm.

“Are you alright, Yoonmi?” he asked. “Something seems wrong with you today. I’ve been talking for a while now, but you keep gazing off into space.”

Yoonmi’s cheeks burned with embarrassment and remorse. “I’m so sorry, Xiumin   Sunbae. I didn’t mean to!” she cried. “I-I-I...” she trailed off miserably.

A sob was raising and it was all she could do to choke it down.

“I’m perfectly fine,” she finally said.

“Hey,” he said gently. He placed a hand under her chin, lifting her head up so he could look her in the eyes. There was no anger in his face, only concern.

“Don’t worry about it. But please Yoonmi, I know you better than you realize. Something’s wrong isn’t it?”

Yoonmi’s eyes dropped. Unbidden, another tear fell. She watched as it splashed into the snow below.

“I’m fine,” she whispered.

“No,” Xiumin said. He placed his hands on both of her shoulders. Somehow it felt comforting to Yoonmi. “I don’t think you are. You’re strong Yoonmi, but something’s hurting you. I can see it.”

“I-” Yoonmi bit her lip. Xiumin and she were so alike in so many ways. Would he understand her if she told him the truth? Yoonmi didn’t know. She didn’t think many people would understand her or her pain. Yet Xiumin once had a sister too, one he loved more than anything. He had lost her, which was something Yoonmi had never had to face.

Maybe he would.

“I broke up with Suho….I did it.” Yoonmi cringed. Her voice sounded pathetic even to her own ears. Xiumin frowned, his eyebrows drawing close together.

“But I thought you liked Suho,” Xiumin said. “I thought he was...good for you.”

She laughed bitterly. Yoonmi closed her eyes in a futile attempt to keep her tears at bay. They rolled down her cheeks, hot against her skin until the cold air chilled them. Yoonmi rang her hands.

“I do like Suho,” she said. “I think I might even love him. But I can’t stay with him Sunbae, I can’t date him.”

“Why not? Oh, because of Eunmi. Yeah, you don’t even need to answer that...” Xiumin spoke. His tone was calm and reassuring.

Even as Yoonmi began crying in earnest, she appreciated it. She felt he was not judging her the way other people might. He simply asked her a question. Not to pry or to condemn, but to better understand her. That was why Xiumin was a better person than Yoonmi.

“Because Eunmi is in love with him too, you know she is.” she said. Yoonmi shook her head. Saying it out loud seemed to make her situation that much more real and painful. It was like her words were weights around her shoulders, dragging her down. She struggled to remain upright even as her reality forced her downward. Yoonmi trembled as she cried.

“Why can’t I have this, sunbae? Why couldn’t I have this one thing? I love Suho! He makes me feel like I can pull myself out of this horrible hole I’ve thrown myself in.”

“Then why break up with him?” Xiumin asked. “Why throw him away just because your sister loves him too? Fight for your own happiness, Yoonmi...”

She sobbed tearfully.

“I can’t, sunbae. Even if I can, I don’t want to win this fight! At all! It’s Eunmi happiness. He is her happiness.” Yoonmi reached out to grab Xiumin’s hands in hers. She looked at him pleadingly. She knew Xiumin is the only one she could rely on right now. He is the one and only one...

“Don’t you understand sunbae?” Yoonmi begged. “I promised to take care of Eunmi no matter what. However, I’m the one who is hurting her right now. The man she loves is hurting her because he’s in love with me!” Yoonmi bowed her head. Her voice came as a whisper. “No love is worth losing Eunmi. No matter how painful this is, no matter how guilty this makes me feel, I can’t hurt her anymore.”

It hurts so much for Xiumin to see her tears.

“Forget him then. Let those feelings go. Let him go completely, Jung Yoonmi. Let someone else give you the love he used to give you. Give your heart a second chance to love and be loved...” Xiumin said in a very serious and stern tone. She could hear Xiumin sighing heavily beside her.

Yoonmi was scared for seconds. Yoonmi’s mind began to spin. Everything in her told her she was in love with Suho. He had appeared out of nowhere, holding her notebook in his hands. He had taken the time to try to pull her from her shell. He had tried to get her to be happy, to be happy with him. Suho was handsome, clever and kind. It was no wonder that Eunmi loved him. Yoonmi understood why her sister loved him so deeply it hurt. However, how could Yoonmi continue to be in a relationship with Suho when her sister so clearly loved him? How could she inflict this awful feeling on Eunmi?

Xiumin pulled one of his hands from hers. He placed it under her chin and gently raised her face so he could make look into her eyes.

“Yoonmi,” he said, voice softened. “I understand. Believe me, if never dating again meant getting Minjung back at my side, I would swear it off immediately.” He smiled at her with sympathy. “But that would never bring her back would it? I realized now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure you’re still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That’s life, Yoonmi. The confusion and fear...that’s there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better and that ‘something’ is worth fighting for. That ‘something’ is actually your happiness.”

Xiumin nodded towards the tombstone. Yoonmi looked at it through her tears.

“My little Minjung is buried here. Nothing I could ever do would bring her back to me. She’s gone forever and I have to live with that.” Now tears shone in Xiumin’s eyes too. His voice cracked with emotion. “I do live with that. It’s not easy and it hurts every day, but I somehow manage to keep getting out of bed every day. Yoonmi, you still have Eunmi. She’s alive and she’s here with you. But-” Xiumin stopped for a breathe. “So are you Yoonmi. You’re here. You’re alive. You have to decide what to do with your life, and whatever you choose is going to affect your sister.”

“I know that!” she cried. “That’s why I can’t date Suho...but it hurts sunbae! Why does this hurt so much?” She leaned her head forward, pressing it against Xiumin’s chest. “Please, tell me what to do. Tell me how to get rid of this feeling.”

Xiumin patted her comfortingly on the back of her hand. His cold fingers her hair. “You chose this path, Yoonmi. I can’t do anything about it,” he said. “Even if I can, I don’t think you’re ready for that, yet.  Do what you think are best Yoonmi, but please remember you’re important too. If you and Suho don’t work out, then I am confident it’s for a reason. Someone else will love you, Yoonmi...” Xiumin spoke, almost like a whisper. Yoonmi slowly looked up meeting his eyes, but she quickly looked away after seconds. She didn’t know why, but she could feel something when Xiumin said that. His gentle smile remained. She wondered, what Xiumin was trying to say with ‘even if he can, he didn’t think Yoonmi would ready for it yet’. Does it actually mean something? Only Xiumin knows the truth.

“I can’t imagine loving anyone other than Suho, but if that’s mean I have to destroy Eunmi’s happiness, I would rather die.” Yoonmi said without thinking much.

Xiumin laughed. “If that’s true, then fate will lead you two back together.” Xiumin replied as he pulled her hand gently and they began to walk out of the cemetery.

Fate?

She pulled back to look at him. Yoonmi wiped the tears away from her eyes.

“Do you believe that, Sunbae?” she asked. He nodded solemnly.

“Of course,” he said. “This will work itself out, one way or another.”

 

 “Thank you for walking me home,” Yoonmi said.

 Xiumin nodded. His hands were stuffed in the pockets of his coat. His breath turned to white in the crisp air. “You’re welcome,” he said as he continued, “Now, breathe deeply and exhale, You’re going to be okay. This pain you feel is going to pass. Maybe not this moment or today...or tomorrow, but sometime soon. The hurt will fade. Don’t give up before things get better. You may be wounded, but you aren’t broken. You can...and will heal.”

Yoonmi smiled bitterly at his words before she nodded. Yoonmi was right; Xiumin is always the right person for her to rely on, to get advised from. He is always the one and only.

The two of them continued walking down the city street. Yoonmi saw that the snowfall from earlier that morning had yet to be cleared off from most of it. People were still at work or in school. Until they returned and brushed it away, the snow and ice would remain on most of it. It covered the sidewalks, the lampposts, the stairs and doors. It shone brightly underneath the afternoon sun, but it was too cold for it to melt. Yoonmi allowed a small smile to come to her face. Normally, she would hate such a sight. Now, with Xiumin’s words echoing in her head, she thought it might not be as bad as she thought. Maybe even winter had its redeeming qualities.

“Isn’t that your sister?” Xiumin asked.

Yoonmi startled. Looking up, she saw Eunmi skipping down the street and towards their house. Yoonmi’s heart skipped a beat. Her first thought was that Eunmi looked happy today. The pretty girl was smiling broadly, her eyes crinkled half-shut. One of her hands was in her pocket, her other one was batting her hair out of her face. It stunned Yoonmi. Eunmi had been so sad and stressed lately. What had brought on this change?

Then Yoonmi’s second thought came. Eunmi was skipping on ice! “Eunmi!” she called out. “You might trip!”

“It’s alright Yoonmi!” her sister called out. She giggled, rushing over to them. Eunmi caught Yoonmi’s hands in her own. Her eyes shone as she smiled brightly. Yoonmi gasped. Why was Eunmi so happy today? Something must have happened.

“I have good news,” Eunmi said. “Suho confessed to me!”

Yoonmi’s blood ran cold. She clung to her sister’s hands, gaping in shock. No! She thought. Suho could never tell Eunmi about the two of them...he wouldn’t! But, if he did tell Eunmi, why is she so happy? Something was not making sense. Luckily for Yoonmi, Eunmi rushed on before she could give away her true thoughts.

“He’s asked me to be his girlfriend,” Eunmi said, laughing happily. “And I said yes. Oh Yoonmi, it’s all I wanted!” Eunmi replied excitedly. She never thought  her dream would come true, a dream of being someone's special to Suho! There's no reason for her to say no, isnt it?

Yoonmi felt as if someone had ripped the ground out from under her. Her stomach felt sick as the world spun around her in a blurry mess. Beside her, she heard Xiumin’s sharp intake of breath. He knew how this would make her feel. He knew this would only shatter her broken heart to pieces. It hurts! She thought. This hurts so badly. It was if she had been shot. Isn’t this what she wanted when she broke up with Suho?

Yoonmi felt tears returning to her eyes. Before they could fall, a single snowflake fell. She watched it as it gently landed on Eunmi’s eyelashes. Her sister was beaming, her eyes showing how happy she was. There was no trace of her earlier sadness.

‘How could I be so selfish?’  Yoonmi thought. She forced a smile and squeezed Eunmi’s hands. When she spoke, there was no trace of her pain.

“I’m so happy for you Eunmi,” Yoonmi said soullessly. "I know the two of you will be happy together. You must and you will."