Fourteen
Perks of being alive
Chapter Fourteen - Is it Big Enough?
I was confused.
No, no, no. I was confused, I was disappointed and I was also mad and sad at the same time. I was everything but glad.
I just had an awesome evening with Myungsoo the day before, and I didn't know what happened to him this morning.
It all started when I woke up today, with a good mood that was, and after sitting down, I immediately rubbed my eyes over and over again. I even thought that my minus was getting worse and washed my specs, but the scene of Myungsoo reading my notebook attentively at the corner of the room didn't change. He sometimes would chuckle as he turned the pages. My heart raced faster. I didn't even want to wake up at that time. Logically, someone who read through my notebook would immediately cognize that I was head over heels with Myungsoo, since his name was literally like scribbled on almost every page. But on top of my worries and embarrasement, I was mad. I was mad because he had invaded my privacy. I mean, that notebook was only meant for me. ONLY me, and that was why I kept on hiding it. It was a really personal thing, and I didn't want anyone to open it, or worse, read it. But Myungsoo did. I remembered telling him the day before that I didn't want him to know what notebook that was. And he let me down.
I stood up and walked closer to him. The room was half empty, with only Sungyeol, Sunggyu, Minjae and Raina.
"Myungsoo," I called him coldly.
He raised up his head, having his puppy eyes on me. It would be super adorable if I wasn't that mad on him.
"Is that my book?"
"This?" He pointed to the object he was holding and I nodded, "Yes..." His voice trailed off.
"Why did you take it?" Believe me, I was burning in the inside, but I tried to maintain my calm voice.
"Because..."
I waited for his answer quietly. I could've shouted, but I didn't want to make a fuss that morning, although I could already feel everyone's eyes on me.
He didn't, or couldn't, answer me. My lips trembled and my eyes were getting blurry. I kept on reminding myself to not shed even a drop of tear. It would make me look weak, make me look so fragile, so vulnerable. I should not cry.
I scoffed and looked away, "Now what? Now that you know I've been liking you like crazy for the past year, what will you do? Laugh at me?"
"Nara..."
"You're such a jerk Myung!"
I rushed out of the room, and went straight to the bathroom. After taking a dry towel, I immediately locked myself in a vacant shower room and the shower, letting the sound of the water pelting to the black ceramic tiles cover my sob. I wept and cried, full of rage, disappointment and sadness.
Why did he have to do that? I wasn't even sure if I had anymore feelings towards him. I felt so betrayed. He didn't even show the slightest respect for me, because if he did, he wouldn't even dare to put his hands on that book like say, Minjae, Sunggyu or Sungyeol. These people had seen me with my book for God knows how long, yet they didn't have the guts to even take a glance at it. Did Myungsoo think that I was just joking when I told him that it was private?
I gibed again. Maybe Sunggyu was right, I shouldn't hang out often with him, but we just had an utterly amazing day yesterday. Was he so stupid that he had to ruin everything? No, he wasn't. I was stupid enough to think that he cared for me. I was stupid enough to put my trust on him that much. I was stupid enough put my heart all over him that my brain couldn't sense he was just another jerk.
I washed my face over and over again, trying to cover my puffy eyes and my red nose, but it didn't seem to be working, because once I got out of the shower room and faced myself before the mirror, the red traces showing that I had cried were still visible.
"Nara," Minjae called me.
She walked towards me and smiled.
"I'm okay," I nodded, more of assuring myself actually, and she patted my back.
"You were cool," Minjae raised her thumbs.
"No, don't say that Minjae," I groaned and messed my wet hair.
Minjae shrugged her shoulders and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You were really brave Nara. If I were in your position, I would probably just sigh and say, 'Alright, don't invade my privacy again, okay Myung?'"
"We were having such a great time yesterday..." My voice cracked and tears started to slash my cheeks again, "He's such a jerk!"
Minjae patted my back. "Sometimes Nara, there are things that are worth it,"
"But is this worth it? It will probably just be another crush, like how I liked Sungyeol that time-"
"Let me ask you. How long did you like Sungyeol?"
"I don't know," I sniffed, "6 months maybe?"
Minjae shook her head. "3 months," she chuckled.
My lips tugged upwards and let out a small laugh, "Thank God,"
"I know. Thank God. I thought you took the wrong pills when you told me you liked that rascal,"
"Aish..." I shook my head.
"You've liked Myungsoo for a year,"
"Doesn't guarantee I will be with him,"
"But you'll never know,"
I shook my head again and put on a stern face. I had to be tough.
"I don't like him anymore,"
"Oh come on-"
"No, I'm serious. It was way beyond the line, I don't like him,"
Minjae had agape, "Nara..."
"Come on, I don't want the others waiting for us," I said and went out to our villa.
I would lie if I say that I wasn't nervous facing him, but I won't let my guard down in front someone who had crossed the line that I had clearly drawn. Myungsoo didn't even dare to glance at me. I saw my notebook perfectly kept inside my back, inside the slot where I had placed it last night.
"Come on," Sunggyu walked up to me.
"Yeah, just a while," I went to Sora and whispered her for a BB cream. She handed one to me and asked what happened, but I just shook my head.
I ran to the toilet and applied the cream on my face to hide my puffy eyes, and rushed back before walking at the back of the group with Sunggyu. Somehow, I felt comfortable with him beside me.
I had no idea where were we going, and I was too tired to ask. I didn't get a chance to have breakfast and my stomach was grumbling.
"Here," Sunggyu gave me a bread from his bag, as if he was able to read my mind.
I took it, "Thanks,"
He sighed. "We are going for the Teddy Bear Museum," he said and I nodded absentmindedly.
We decided to take the bus since it was a bit far for a walk. I sat next to the window, and Sunggyu sat beside me.
The scene of Myungsoo going through my book replayed inside my head over and over again. I just feel so... Empty. There was no more spark when I think about him. I scoffed. Maybe I was right. It was just another high school crush. If we even we were together, there's not much possibility that we were going to get married anyways.
Sunggyu had his eyes on me and I immediately said, "Don't,"
"I wasn't-"
"Don't start pep-talking on me,"
He looked forward and plugged his ears with his earphones. "Fine," he muttered and closed his eyes, listening to the music.
I looked out of the window, to the beautiful green meadows, just full of calmness and serenity. I wished I could just lay there and let the wind take my problems with them.
And then, something beyond my control happened. I stood up. "Uhh... Sorry Ahjussi, but can you stop here?"
Sunggyu looked at me with his jaws dropped, "Nara, what are you trying to do?"
The bus halted and I made my way out. "Nara," Sunggyu trailed behind me.
"Don't follow,"
I paid the bus, earning confused glares from almost everyone. I didn't even feel like looking at Myungsoo, but I knew he must be surprised by my sudden act. Yeah Myung, I bet you didn't know I was capable of stopping a bus in the middle of nowhere.
I bowed to the driver and hopped down the bus.
"Just what the hell are you doing? Leaving us stranded here?!"
"I told you not to follow," I kept on walking forward, to the meadows that seemed surreal before me.
The summer wind was blowing quite powerful there. I waded to the middle of the sea of grass where I closed my eyes and let out my arms opened widely, letting the wind go against me. At that very moment, the feeling of freedom was all my heart underwent, it was as if the weight on my shoulders had been lifted up.
"Do you even know are we?!"
I laughed. "Paradise, Sunggyu!" I shouted, overcoming the powerful gushing from the wind.
"What?!"
"Paradise!"
I sighed and opened my eyes slowly. I looked behind and smiled to Sunggyu, "Come here,"
He walked towards me.
"Free yourself," I said and opened my arms again.
That same sensation rushed up towards my spine. The sensation of freedom, of peace. It felt so amazing, and I reminded myself mentally to thank Sungjong for this later.
Sunggyu was beside me, freeing his soul too. I knew he had been bearing a lot of burden.
"How does it feels?" I asked and dropped myself to the ground. He laid down beside me.
"It felt... Awesome!" He laughed, "Do you... remember that bird, that was chirping above a branch, on our hike?"
"The one you called cute and brave?"
He nodded. "I've always wanted to be that bird. Voicing out my soul through beautiful songs... And right now, although I wasn't singing, I felt that everything my heart had been bearing were gone,"
I chuckled. "Hmm... It's nice,"
We kept quiet, letting the wind gush through our ears.
"Are you... Going to tell me that I was right?" Sunggyu asked, breaking the silence.
"Right about what?"
"Myungsoo,"
"Maybe," I didn't even feel like talking about him, "Are you surprised?"
He shook his head. "Typical Nara will like someone who's handsome and playful,"
I frowned. "Really?"
He shrugged. "But how do you explain Sungyeol?"
I laughed and looked up to the blue sky, "I was just feeling like falling in love,"
"What kind of answer is that?"
"I wasn't even at high school,"
"Oh right,"
Silence elapsed us again, as we enjoyed our own sweet time in the middle of the field, not worrying about anyone intruding us.
"I feel so stupid Sunggyu,"
"Oppa," he added and I rolled my eyes.
"I trusted him,"
"You didn't trust him, you loved him. See the difference?"
"Which one is better?"
"Loving,"
I looked at him and raised one of my eyebrows. "But doesn't loving means trusting?"
He chuckled. "Come on Nara, you don't even know him,"
I sighed. It was true. I didn't even know him. The only thing I knew was a good looking man, with a playful character in him, although yeah, he might be sort of an ice prince sometimes. And oh, he feared riding roller coasters. But I didn't know there was this 'betrayer' side in him.
"Sing for me something Gyu,"
He chortled. "I don't sing,"
"Come on, you're free here,"
He shook his head.
"Doesn't my oppa needs to cheer me up?"
"Oh, you'll only call me oppa when you need something is it?"
We laughed and breathed out an exhale, throwing out our problems.
"And, Can you smile?
niga wonhajanha
Niga barajanha
Nae mam maneuroneun
Neol jabeul suga eomneungabwa
And, Can you smile?
naega garajanha
Nan gwaenchantajanha
Majimak neoege
Nan igeot bakken mot junabwa,"
I looked at him. His voice sounded so soothing yet powerful, just like how I heard it last time. He tilted his head at me and smiled.
"Aju orae jeon neoreul boatdeon
Geu neukkimeul gieokhae nan neoreul aratdeon nareul aratdeon
Geu sijeoli saenggangna
neoreul darmgo shipdeon eoulligo sipdeon
Ganjeolhaetdeon siganeul
Nan dasi saenggakhae
da jinagan hannat chueok ppuningeol
"And, Can you smile?
niga wonhajanha
Niga barajanha
Nae mam maneuroneun
Neol jabeul suga eomneungabwa
And, Can you smile?
naega garajanha
Nan gwaenchantajanha
Majimak neoege
Nan igeot bakken mot junabwa."
I clapped my hands and giggled. "Sing again!"
"No, the performance is over," he said, slightly panting.
I closed my eyes and sighed. "You seriously have a great voice Sunggyu,"
"Does that matter?" He asked quietly.
"It really matters,"
"But I guess I'll have to keep it for myself right,"
"That's such a shame Gyu. Don't you dare do that," I sounded playful, but I was seriously serious.
He chuckled. "Maybe singing isn't my faith,"
I shot my eyes open, "Are you freaking kidding me?!"
"If it's really my faith, my path wouldn't be this hard,"
"Your path is hard because it's something big," I was a bit of a hypocrite actually, but I wanted Sunggyu to really go for his dreams without doubt.
"When I was at your age, I asked my parents at the dining table, 'Mom, dad, can I be a singer?'" He shook his head. "They laughed at me and told me it was impossible,"
I kept quiet.
"Then, a year later, when I was 17, I told them I had joined the band club. They gave me a choice to get out of the house or get out of the club. I chose the latter,"
"So that's why you were-"
"In the math club," he laughed at himself, "Since then I never talked about it with my family,"
I've heard that Sunggyu's family was a quite wealthy one, so his dad probably wanted him to continue their family business. The only reason Sunggyu lived in an apartment was because his sister had got married and her family was staying in his parent's house. So, he decided to move out. But thank God he did, or else I don't know whom should I copy my home works from. He was a huge help, really.
"You know what they say Gyu?"
"'Strive for your dreams'?"
I shook my head.
"If your dreams doesn't scare you, it's not big enough,"
He chortled and sighed.
"Does your dream scares you?"
He nodded. "It really does,"
I sat down and looked at him right in the eye. "Promise me you won't give up on it,"
Sunggyu laughed as if it was an absurd thing. "Why are you-"
"Why are you laughing at yourself?"
"I'm not laughing at me. I'm laughing at how serious you are on this matter,"
"Of course I'm serious," he stopped laughing, "Do you think dreaming is a joke?"
"No. But don't you think my dream is too surreal?"
"No dreams are surreal Sunggyu,"
That made him quiet. I looked up to the bright, cloudless sky.
"Araso,"
"What?" I looked down at him again and he sat down.
"I won't give up on singing," he nodded.
I smiled and raised my thumbs up.
"My oppa is jjang!"
Apparently, chapter 14 got updated thrice and I'm suuuppeer sorry for that OTL, I didn't know that happened until I checked aff on my PC and I was like whaaaat?! I had updated through my phone and refreshed it several times, so... I think it's due to that ><
But, I would like to thank every single one of you who had read and/or comment this far! :)
PS:I have no idea where are all of my inspirations TT so... expect me to update a bit slower *runs away*
Comments