Title: Fashionista + Fashion Disaster = ?

Title:  6/10

Your title lacks originality majorly. However saying this, the =?  Adds a slight twist and adds an element of curiosity. The title of your story is always meant to keep the reader interested and want to find out more but you’ve given a lot of the game of your story off already by the two words Fashionista and Fashion disaster. I suggest you change it to something more subtle.

Description: 5/10

The description isn’t meant to give off the whole story but indulge your readers in what they are in for. The quote you used was really well done, it told us a little about Minzy and added curiosity, however as you went on it became disappointing. (Forget the fact that it’s a prompt)  The description is fine; it gives us an overview of what we’re in for, the thing that irked me however was the use of ‘typical geek’. Your story isn’t a typical story because you added your own twist which you rightly say in your description but adding ‘typical’ as an adjective for Minzy isn’t correct because it’s too vague and uninteresting and cliched. The character list is completely unnecessarily . To have good characterisation you need to show this develop throughout the story instead of dumping it in the beginning of your description.

Plot: 7/10

It’s an interesting storyline and I think Minzy saves this from being a real cliché. Her and GD getting together is inevitable because when you’ll always have one dude who never gets the girl therefore try and give a twist to this, have some nice surprises where the reader is completely unsure of who she will fall for first. I’ll admit I have no idea where this story will be going, I don’t know what Fashionista = Fashion Disaster will make and I guess that could be a good thing?

Language*: 24/30

I actually don’t have many problems with your language  at all, the way you write is interesting and you use many alternative words for words making it better to read. :)

Punctuation:

Punctuation is your main (only)problem that you need to work on. I’m not sure whether your disuse of commas is a typo or if it’s in the wrong place. I can’t actually quote samples from your work but you generally place far too many commas in a sentence than needed. ‘ If you,Kwon Jiyong, were able to change a fashion disaster, wouldn’t it make news?’ FAR TOO MANY COMMAS! ‘If you, Kwon Jiyong the fashionista were able to transform a fashion disaster. Wouldn’t it make news?’ Alternate commas to full stops and use short and long sentences to create variety.

Paragraphing:

On occasions you break up paragraphs into smaller ones which isn’t necessary but it doesn’t interrupt the story’s flow so it’s fine.

Grammar:

Your grammar is fine but if you have a first person POV you cannot alternative between tenses. Stick to one tense; you shouldn’t use were and is together if the setting is in the past or vice versa for present.

Originality: 7/10

Obviously this story is based off a prompt so I’ll dismiss that so it won’t affect your grade. Albeit being a very common genre and theme to use your characters make the story seem appealing and original; Minzy is a very interesting character and I’ll talk more about her in Characterisation. TOP and G-dragon don’t have very original characters however; TOP still in love with his long lost friend? It’s a common genre so use it wisely and I feel sometimes his POV is repetitive and unappealing.

Flow: 5/10

The flow is fine, the reason I’m downgrading marks is because I feel this is all going no where, the story is developing well but I feel as though the romance and general plot of the story are all leading up to nothing. Leave us hints and riddles that  all lead up to the of your story because 8 chapters in and I feel as everything is leading up to no . Set out your chapters so that we have a cliffhanger or something to look forward to. ( I liked Chapter 8 purely because I want a chapter 9 because of how you ended the chapter. KEEP IT UP.)

Characters development:  7/10

There are three central characters TOP, Minzy and GD. Minzy is a really fun character to begin with; she has belief in herself and she is funny. What irks me is how you make her all flustered ‘feeling my cheeks heating up’ and it all leads up to nothing, when she talks to Jiyong there is no hint of how she is changing her feelings about him. TOP’s character seems repetitive ; about he wants to make Minzy his, give him some depth, without that aspect TOP has no character. Saying that, I like how he is trying to make her remember with small things from the past trying to get her to feel nostalgia ( It got you that 7) There are small changes in GD as the story goes on like making sure he’s not late for Minzy or how he doesn’t like TOP butting in conversations but overall he needs more depth. You need to show through gestures or speech how he is changing around Minzy because it’s all very hard to depict.

FINAL: 61/100

Don’t be put off by the score and focus on the improvements instead. Good luck with your writing. *HWAITING* - Musicalchaoticdreams

*Language refers to punctuation, paragraphing, grammar, etc.