Tae Il slid closer to the head of my bed.  “Lie flat,” he told me.  “On your stomach.”  When I did what he said, his ears gradually reddened and he puffed out his cheeks, carefully avoiding looking at my face.  He adjusted my blanket so that it covered less of my back before straightening my shirt. 

            Then he began to rub my back.  Small circles with the heel of his hand.  Shapeless patterns with his fingers.  It was kind of relaxing.  I could have cried.  What the hell.  Why was I getting so emotional?

            I watched him as he continued to rub my back.  The worried look on his face whenever I coughed.  The timid smile when he caught me staring.

            “Not tired yet?” he asked.

            I shook my head a little.

            “We can talk then.  Easy stuff.  Nothing to make you anxious,” he offered with a tiny laugh.  He hummed thoughtfully for a second.  “I told you some about my family before.  My parents, my sisters.  My friends from when I was younger.  But I don’t know anything about your family.  Can’t you tell me about them now?”  He observed his hand on my back more intently.  I could tell because I hadn’t offered the information before, he was a little shy about asking me now.

            Family and friends may be an easy topic for everyone else on the planet, but not me.  I could feel myself getting anxious.  Although, that realistic voice in the back of my head, the one I’d been ignoring more often since I’d met Tae Il, told me maybe if I showed him just how screwed up I was, he’d leave now.  Forget about me sooner.  I inhaled deep.  His fingertips dragged down my back before he resumed the patterns in the middle over my spine.

            “No, I can’t,” I said quietly, watching for his reaction.  Curiosity washed over his features.  “I can’t tell you about my family.”

            “O-oh,” he sounded.  “Well, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.  If it’s too personal.”  He rested his free arm on the edge of my mattress and put his chin on his forearm.

            “I meant I can’t because I don’t have one.”

            His hand stopped its movements.  It lay flat for a second before he realized how shocked he appeared and then continued roaming my back.

            “You don’t have one?” he replied, forcefully steadying his voice.

            I blinked, my own expression blank.  “Right.  From what people have told me, my parents were young.  Like high school young.  The guy and girl weren’t even together.  I assume it was a one night mistake.”  I hoped he would understand.  I couldn’t call them my mom and dad because that is not what they were.  “I don’t know anything about them.  Except that she couldn’t handle being a mom, so after she had me wherever she had me, she dropped me off in the emergency room of a hospital and disappeared.  I was eventually passed to a church run group home where I would grow up because no one wanted to adopt me.  Here’s the zinger, when the church had the city make a birth certificate for me, they had to guess my birthday.  I don’t even know my real birthday.”

            Tae Il’s mouth had dropped open a little during my explanation.  His entire face was frozen.  He was still rubbing my back, but now his hand was just moving in one continuous small circle, over and over, like a broken record.

            “Kelly…I-I’m…sorry,” he said, seemingly surprised at his own voice.

            “It’s fine,” I replied.  You can leave now.

            But he didn’t.  He finally realized he was kind of rubbing the skin off that spot on my back and moved his hand, resuming his soothing movements from before.

            No?  Not scared off yet?  It’s alright, I have more.

            “Can I tell you a secret?”  His eyes met mine and he nodded.  “When I was 18, after I was kicked out of the group home, I met a guy who was a drug mule.  He set me up with a dealer.  The dealer paid for me to get a passport and then paid me 5000 dollars to swallow 50 packets of heroine.  He bought me a ticket to Portugal, where apparently the demand for heroine is really just that big.  When I got there, the collector picked me up from the airport.  I threw up in a really nice hotel and he paid me another 5000 and sent me on my way.”

            His hand never once stopped moving, but he didn’t look at me until the end when his head shot up off his arm.  His eyes wide with worry, glistening with the slightest hint of unshed tears.

            “You could have d-died!” he blurted out.  Catching himself, he cleared his throat and added, quieter, “You were really lucky.”

            I scoffed.  Could have, true.  Lucky?  Not.  Who cares about a heroine packet bursting in your stomach when you have so much else wrong with you?

            “But I didn’t die,” I responded.

            “Thankfully.”  The red in his face flowed back into his ears when he heard what he’d said.  He frowned his brow.  “How did you end up in Korea then?  You didn’t do it again, did you?!”

            “No.  While I was on a drinking, spending binge throughout Europe, I met a guy who taught English in Japan.  It sounded like fun and I wanted to do it, but you need a college degree to teach English anywhere.  I didn’t have time to go to college, so I gave up on the idea until I met this guy in Italy who told me for 1000 dollars he could forge some documents for me and get me a job in Korea.  Japan, Korea, China, Thailand, I didn’t care where I went.  I paid him and he hooked everything up.  So here I am.”  I ended my explanation with a bit of a coughing fit.  Without missing a beat, he patted my back gently, waiting for the hacking to subside.

            “That was…quite the secret,” he said a moment after I stopped, breaking the silence.  Then he glanced at me.  “But all that bad stuff, maybe it was all for the best because you’re here now.  You said you liked your school and…”  The words caught in his throat and all he did was smile sheepishly, shaking his head.  “Your past is what makes you who you are.  This is why you have that wall up, isn’t it?”

            No, there’s another reason for my wall.  “Yes,” I said, shoving my hands under my pillow.  The spot on the sheets under there felt cool.

            He nodded.  “You’re lying.”  I stopped breathing for a second.  How could he say that?  He grinned.  “Your expression when I said that told me you were lying.”

            “It doesn’t really matter though,” I murmured.  “You can go now.  Now that you know the extent of my damage.”

            His head cocked to the side a little as he peered at me curiously.  “There’s something else in your eyes, Kelly.  I hope one day, you’ll feel comfortable enough to tell me.”  His face flamed up again and it was obvious how hard it was for him to say that without stuttering and stumbling over his words.  “I’ll leave, but only if you want me to.  You have to-to look me in the eye and tell me to leave.”

            I arched an eyebrow and almost laughed.

            “You won’t look at me.  How can I look you in the eye?” I retorted.

            He bit down on his bottom lip and set his eyes on the floor.  Only then, did his arm melt off me.  “I don’t want you to tell me to leave.”

            This guy was unbelievable.  “Do you have a thing for crazy girls with broken pasts or something?”

            He shrugged.  “Your past is what makes you who you are,” he repeated.  “But I like you, so I don’t care much about that other stuff.”

            Leave, that voice said.  Get out.  “I still won’t fall asleep if you’re here.  Don’t you have stuff to do tomorrow?  You should get home and get some sleep anyway.”

            “I’ll leave after you fall asleep,” he said with a determined nod, bringing his arm back up to continue his comforting caresses.

            I couldn’t help smile at him.  “Are you going to bore me to sleep?”

            He laughed lightly.  “I could tell you the plot of the latest drama that Kyung and Min Hyuck are obsessed with.  That might do the trick.  I fall asleep any time they make me watch an episode with them.”

            “I’ll pass, but thanks.”

            His smile was comforting and it made me continue to mirror the expression.

            This was so wrong.  So selfish.  I should be doing good things to ensure I end up in a good place.  Then I mentally argued with myself that all the bad stuff I’ve done before, trying to protect one person wouldn’t make up for it.

            “I could s-sing to you,” he offered in just above a whisper.  “That helps people fall asleep, doesn’t it?”

            I nodded, feeling my eyes sting again.  I pulled away from his hand, moving closer to the wall and patted the newly empty space on the bed.  “You can lie down, you know.  You must be uncomfortable sitting like that.”  Why must I be so terrible?

            He shook his head at first with this look on his face.  As though I’d just asked him to kick a puppy and then shoot someone.  His cheeks were that trademark crimson color, actually his entire head was that color now.

            “No, I-I-I-I-”  He slapped his palm to his face.  “I-I shouldn’t.”

            “I meant that in the most un-ual way possible.  I promise,” I assured him.  Not that I wouldn’t like to get down and dirty with him.  Definitely did want that, but he was so painfully, romantically, adorable, I just couldn’t use my ‘guy getting’ techniques on him.

            “Yes, but I think of you in the most ual way possible,” he muttered.  Then whined under his breath.  I giggled.  Actually giggled.  After all that.

            “Just lie down with me, ok?”

            He inhaled and then let it out in one big huff.

            “O-ok.”  He stood up and slid under the covers.  “Ok,” he repeated, adjusting himself on his side, facing me.  His arm stretched out under my head.  “Are you comfortable?  Am I taking up too much room?  I could-”

            I told that voice to go to hell and I snuggled against him, putting my head on his shoulder.  “No, I’m very comfortable.  Quit freaking out and start singing.”

            He breathed out a laugh and fidgeted nervously for a second.  “Ok, sorry.  Let me think of a good song.”  He finally settled on laying flat on his back with his free arm under his head.  I waited, perfectly content with just staring at him.  Studying his handsome features.  He peeked down at me.  “You have to meet me half way.  At least close your eyes.  Relax.  Don’t think about anything.”

            I nodded and cuddled closer to him with my arms tucked against me before forcing my eyes to close and stay closed.

            I’d heard Tae Il sing before.  Not in person, but online when I was brushing up on Block b’s music.  I knew he had an amazing voice, but hearing him sing softly next to my ear the way he was doing at that moment, it was beautiful.  I didn’t know the song.  It was a Korean song.  I’d never heard it before.

            His voice was flawless and gentle.  Some time during the song, I actually felt myself drifting off to sleep.  Some time during the song, he’d turned back onto his side and slipped a hand into one of mine.