“Come on.”  My stomach dropped to my feet.  I knew that voice.  It made my blood run cold.  That voice.  It was my voice.  It was the voice that had been telling me this whole time that I shouldn’t let myself think I was fine.  Shouldn’t let myself forget.  It wasn’t fine.  And how could I forget what was going on inside me?  “Hurry, follow me.”

            How the hell could I follow myself?  Not to mention, it was pitch black wherever I was.  Eyes open or eyes shut, the blackness was the same.

            I tried to speak, but no sound came out.  I put a hand to my mouth.  It was open.  Then why was nothing coming out?

            “Come on.  Come on.”

            No way.  No way was I taking a step anywhere in this darkness.

            “Kelly, let’s go.”

            Let’s?  It’s just me.  I won’t go.

            “Time’s up.  Come here.  Everything will be ok.”

            No.  Leave me alone.  I don’t want to go.

            “Give up.”

            I put my hands up to my face and cried, sobbed.  I knew what the voice wanted me to give up.  But I didn’t want to.  I’m twenty one for crying out loud.  Even if I am supposed to die early, they said I’d have a few more years than this.  At least a few.

            No.  I don’t want to die.

            “Why not?”  Why not?!

            I’m too young.  I spun in a circle, but nothing changed.  It was so dark.  I touched my eyes.  They were open.

            “But you’re sick.”  I looked around in vain again.  The voice’s location had changed.  It sounded like it was coming from somewhere else.  Another place I couldn’t figure out where.  I flailed my arms out, suddenly terrified at the thought of the voice being close to me.

            So what?  I want to do better things.  I don’t want to be alone.

            “What about Tae Il?”  The voice jumped again.  I spun around.  Where?!

            Tae Il.  I want Tae Il.

            “You can’t have him.  He’s a celebrity.  He’s going to grow old.  He needs to be with someone who will grow old with him.”  Was it to the left?

            He’s mine now though.  He wants me.

            “That’s because he doesn’t know.  Now, come on.  There’s no time.”  To the right?

            I won’t go.  Don’t want to.  I want Tae Il.

            “Don’t you feel bad that he’s going to be so distraught?”

            Tae Il.

            “You’re cruel.”

            Mine.  Tae Il!

            “Kelly!”

            I gasped.  That was a new voice.  It was his voice.  I opened my mouth again, but all I did was cry more.

            “Stop, Kelly!”

            “Come here!”

            I couldn’t see.  I didn’t want to go toward my voice, I wanted to go toward his, but I couldn’t tell which was where.

            There was a loud thud, some shuffling, and a click.  Then light blinded me.  My hands went to my face and I squeezed my eyes shut.

            “Kelly!  Kelly!  Stop it!  Calm down!”

            I just kept screaming and thrashing my arms around to protect myself from whatever it was that was trying to get me to go, follow, leave, whatever.  I didn’t want any of it.  Hands were on me, but I wouldn’t open my eyes.  I didn’t care whose hands they were, I didn’t want anyone touching me.

            “Kelly!  Stop it!  It’s me, now stop!  Stop!  Open your eyes!”

            The screams had subsided into sobs and, fine, if the hands wanted to grab my wrists, they could, but the rest of me was going to curl into the fetal position for protection.  My arms twisted painfully and awkwardly until the hands let go of me and I could hide under my blanket.

            “It’s Tae Il, Kelly.  Look at me.”  Something clicked in my head and everything cleared.  I knew where I was.  I knew who was with me.  I wasn’t dreaming anymore.

            I was shaking so badly, I could feel it on the inside, as I scrambled to get out of the mess of blanket I was now caught in.  When I managed to escape, I saw Tae Il kneeling on the floor at the side of my bed.  He was shirtless and his chest was heaving with each breath, but his eyes were wild and he kind of looked, well, terrified.  I was wearing his tee shirt and my underwear, but I was sweating even though it was pretty cold.  I sat up on my knees and sobbed into my hands.  He crawled back into bed and pulled me into his lap.

            An undefined amount of time passed before I could breathe without hacking and coughing and wailing.  Even his hushed words of comfort did little to soothe me.

            More time passed before I’d pry myself off him, my nails leaving little half moon marks in the skin at his shoulders, and lay back down.  I was curled onto my side facing him.  I sniffled, but couldn’t think of anything to say to him.

            “What the hell was that?  Was that a night terror?” he asked.

            “No.  Just a regular bad dream,” I said, my voice lifeless and exhausted.

            He looked down at the mattress, before he reached out and took one of my hands.  He laid it flat and smoothed his own hand over mine, his fingertips resting on the underside of my wrist.

            “You were talking,” he mentioned softly.  My heart felt like it stopped beating.  “And crying and screaming.  Before you started flailing around, knocking me out of bed.”  I looked into his eyes, an apology at the tip of my tongue, but he began tracing shapes on the palm of my hand.  Circle.  Square.  He said, “I’m ok.  Just a little shocked, I think.  I’ve never seen anyone so terrified before.”  I’d never been so terrified before.  Triangle.  Circle.  Circle.  “You kept saying that you didn’t want to go and you didn’t want to die.  Then you started crying and you kept calling my name, but when I was talking to you, trying to wake you, you just kept sobbing hysterically.  Go where?  Were you hurt?  What was your nightmare about?”  Square.  Triangle.  Squiggle. 

            “I don’t know.  It was so dark.  I couldn’t see.  I couldn’t scream, but it was my voice telling me things.  Telling me…”  Circle.  Zigzag.  My eyes filled with tears when he traced a heart on my palm.  I shook my head.  “I don’t remember what it was saying.  It was just really scary because I couldn’t see.”

            “Why are you so afraid of dying?  You’re only twenty one.  You’re perfectly healthy.  What makes you so afraid?”

            That’s exactly why.  For a split second, as I felt him trace some more zigzags and another heart, I wanted to tell him.  Everything.  My secret.  What was wrong.  I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be alright.  That he would make it all better.  I wanted him to kiss me and tell me he’d figure out a way to make me better so that we could grow old together.  That I would live to see past my 25^th birthday.

            No.  When the voice said that, I trembled enough for him to pull me in close to his chest.  His hands rubbing mindlessly up and down my arms.  No, you can’t tell him anything.  It will hurt less if you’re the that faded from his life rather than the girl he loved who died.

            “Yeah, I don’t know why I’m so scared,” I murmured.  Sniffling, I closed my eyes to memorize his scent.  “Tae Il, can you sing again, please?  So I can go back to sleep.”