Tae Il said nothing for so long, I almost thought he didn’t hear me.  He didn’t move either.  His hands stayed on my back.  I could feel his heart pounding in his chest against mine.  “What do you mean?” he finally questioned.

            I let gravity pull me out of his arms and I slid onto the ground next to him.  “What do you mean what do I mean?” I croaked, my voice hoarse from sobbing.

            One of his arms remained around my waist.  “I-I mean, I don’t…”

            “I’m dying.  What don’t you what?”

            His brow furrowed when I said it again.  “Stop saying that,” he muttered.

            “But it’s true,” I replied simply.

            “Is it…cancer?” he asked, looking down at his lap.

            “No, it’s a blood disorder.”  I slowly and clumsily pronounced the medical term for what I have.  I was sure I butchered it, but I never cared much for what it was called.  “It’s just a fancy word for bleeding internally.”

            “W-what?”  He scratched his head with his free hand and then rubbed his eyes.

            “My red blood cells are weak which, in turn, makes my blood thin.  The weaker my cells get, the thinner my blood gets.  The thinner my blood gets, the harder it is for my heart and veins to move it around my body.  Instead of being pumped through my body, it just kind of…flows around?  Eventually, it will thin out too much and I’ll bleed out of every orifice before my heart stops and I’ll just die.”

            His arm actually fell off my waist.  He straightened up and covered his face with both hands, pressing the heels into his eyes.  “You’ll just…”  He shook his head, the words no longer coming out.

            “Die.  The only good thing about this is that it could take up to ten years.  Give or take a few.  Here’s the funny thing, they don’t know much about it because it’s one of the rarest disorders in medical history.  Something like two hundred people ever, since the beginning of time, have had this disease.”

            He inhaled deep through his nose and lifted his head, clasping his hands together with his fingers locked under his chin.  His eyes were wet, eyelashes glistening in the moonlight.  “When, um…”  He shook his head and swiped at his eyes once more.  “When were you diagnosed?”

            “When I was sixteen.  That was when the night terrors started,” I admitted.

            “That’s why you have nightmares, too.  About dying?”  I nodded.  “Are you on any medication?  Have you been to doctors here in Seoul?  Doesn’t alcohol affect this?  You shouldn’t drink so much.  You should eat healthier, too.  You need to take care of yourself.  Do you take vitamins?  Kelly, you-”

            “Tae Il, wait, wait,” I interrupted.  His eyes were wide and he began to talk frantically, almost hysterically.  “There isn’t exactly a ton of research being done on this since there are way more rampant diseases in need of cures.”

            “So that’s it?” he demanded, lowly.  Eyes heavy and watery, he looked at me with an almost exhausted expression.  “You’re just going to give up.  Wait to die?”

            I smiled weakly at him.  “No one ever cared, Tae Il.  My own parents didn’t care about me.  The day I turned 18, the group home I grew up in gave me some money and shoved me out the door.  ‘Good luck, hope you don’t end up on the streets.’”

            “That’s why you’re so fearless,” he stated.  “Drug mule, drinking binge through Europe, entering countries on forged documents, with anyone and everyone.  You didn’t care since you just figured you were on borrowed time.”

            “I’m sorry I came into your life, Tae Il.  I only screw people up.  I should have never given in, but you’re so…”  I gazed at him affectionately.  “Damn irresistible,” I finished.  “I’m not as strong as I thought I was.”

            He bolted up so quickly, I almost didn’t even see him do it.  He reached down and pulled me up by my arms.  His expression had hardened.  He looked stone cold and terrified at the same time.  “This is what you’ve been hiding, right?  This is why you won’t admit you love me. Why you’ve been acting so crazy?”

            I nodded.  “I…uh…”  I’d never seen him look like this before.  It felt like our roles had reversed, I was stuttering and my mind was scattered.  He was solid and oh-so sure of himself.  Blinking, I said, “It will hurt less if you remember me as a dumb, selfish that just passed through your life momentarily rather than the girl you loved who just died one day.  You’re so…”  I shrugged, suddenly embarrassed at my thoughts.  “You’re so wonderful.  I didn’t want to hurt you.  I-I wanted to protect you from…well, from me.”

            Pulling me into him, he held me around the waist and held onto the back of my head, pressing his cheek to mine.  “Stop it,” he growled.

            My eyes fluttered shut as his scent and the feel of his soft skin against mine took over my brain.  “What?”

            “Stop running from me.  Stop pushing me away.  Stop being crazy.  I don’t care about your past or who was too stupid to know what a beautiful person you are.  In fact, you know what?”  He pulled back and locked my eyes in his.  I felt my lungs empty and I looked away, but he caught my face in his hands and forced me to look back at him.  He looked distressed.  “I’m glad no one cared.  I’m glad your parents abandoned you.  I’m glad that group home didn’t take care of you.”  I blinked at him, hurt.  That hurt more than it should have.  I really was weak.

            “Tae Il, why…”  I tried to release myself from his embrace, but he slipped his arms down and curled them in more around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him.

            “All of those things, that domino effect, it brought you here.  It brought you to me.  I’m sorry for your pain, but I’m not sorry you ended up here.  You’re mine now and I’ll never let you go.  So stop it.  Stop trying to get rid of me.”

            My hands clenched into fists.  I pounded on his chest.  He tried to fend me off at first, but when the sobs erupted, he moved his arms.  “Damn it, Tae Il!  Why are you like this?  Why do you want me to hurt you?  Why do you want me to feel so bad?  Why can’t you just give up?  Just let go!  Stop!  Stop holding onto me!  Stop giving me hope!  Everything was easier when I had nothing and I didn’t care about dying!”

            He let me beat on him.  Let me cry and pound on him until I was too weak to do it anymore.  Then he let me soak his shirt with my angry tears.

            “Are you finished?” he asked as I clung to him.  I nodded against his neck.  He pushed my hair off my shoulder and kissed down the side of my neck.  “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

            It took strength I didn’t know I had left to push myself away from him.  “No, wait.  I’ll just-”

            He caught my wrists and linked my fingers together behind his neck.  “Seriously?  After all that, you’re really going to keep this garbage up?  I’m taking you home and I’m staying with you tonight.  You’re welcome to try to get me to leave, but I weigh more than you even if you are a little taller than me.  I will lay, dead weight, on the floor of your apartment.  If you can lift me, you can make me leave.  Deal?”

            I sighed, a smile playing on my lips.  “I don’t deserve you,” I whispered, letting my hands slid to his chest.

            He rolled his eyes, but I could tell my words got to him.  “Shut up, ok?”  He placed a kiss to my forehead and then turned his back to me, bending at the knees a little.  “Get on.”

            “What?” I blurted out, backing away a couple of steps.  “No way.  You’ll herniate a disk or something.”

            He straightened and turned his head to me.  “You just cried hysterically after coughing up a lot of blood.  You’re weak.  I’ll carry you.  Now shut up and get on my back,” he demanded, turning and bending his knees again.  I laughed lightly.

            “No, Tae Il.  This isn’t some drama.  We’re far from my apartment.  You’ll collapse,” I told him.

            He straightened again and faced me.  “Oh, right.  Sometimes I forget.  They don’t do things the same way in America,” he murmured, sizing me up.  In one swift move, he scooped me up bridal style and began walking toward the main road.

            “Tae Il, put me down!  I’m ok, really.  I can walk.  I’m not bleeding anymore.  I can’t even taste it now.  It passes, comes and goes, don’t worry.”  As he continued to walk, my arms locked around his neck instinctively.

            “Didn’t I tell you to shut up already?” he grumbled, a smile turning one corner of his mouth up.  I kissed his jaw and lay my head on his shoulder.

            I was a horrible person.  I was going to hell.  He was going to be in so much pain.

            But he knew what he had gotten himself into and he was still being like this.  I was in too deep anyway.

            At least, I rationalized all that and more as Tae Il carried me the entire way to my apartment.  Never once complaining, acting like I weighed nothing.

            Back at my apartment, I went into the bathroom to change and wash up.  When I came back out, Tae Il was lying in bed in just his boxers and a wifebeater.  No sunglasses, no hat, no hood.  Yes, definitely liked how he was growing more comfortable around me.  He was on the phone.

            “Oh, hang on, here she is,” he said into the phone.  I climbed over him and sat next to him, with my back against the wall, eyeing him curiously as he held the phone out to me.  He was smiling a little.  I took the phone.

            “Hello?” I said, still watching Tae Il who was now watching TV.

            “So I hear Tae Il found you and you guys made up.”

            I snorted.  “You’re just so proud of yourself, aren’t you, Yu Kwon?”

            “Sure am,” he replied smugly.  I could just see him smiling.  “I’m glad.  We had a group meeting and we like you, Kelly.  You’re good for Tae Il.  His last girlfriend was too much like him.  You keep him on his toes.  You make him fun.”  I giggled through the tears in my eyes.  “Don’t mess with him anymore though or we’ll have to go all gangsta on you.”

            “You’re so cute, Yu Kwon,” I .

            He scoffed.  “Well, not me, but Zico and Maknae could get pretty gangsta when they want to.”

            “You’re a good friend.  I’m sorry I was mean to you.”

            “Nah, we’re good.  I’m glad you guys worked it out.  I’ll let you go, I’m sure you have better things in mind to do than chit chat with me,” he chuckled.

            I thanked him again and ended the call.  Handing it back to him, I peered down at him.  “What did you tell him happened?” I wondered.

            He shrugged one bare shoulder and let his phone fall to the floor near where his clothes were folded.  “Nothing too specific.  Just that we were having issues because you’ve had some bad relationships, so I had to work harder for your trust.”

            “But, Tae Il…”

            He propped his upper half up by his hands behind him.  “No, Kelly, it doesn’t matter.  We’re together.  We’re good.  It doesn’t matter if my friends know the truth about before, what’s important is now.  And now we’re good, ok?”

            I shook my head, my eyes stinging with the threat of unshed tears.  “We’re not good.  We can never be good.  We-”

            He grabbed me by the face and crushed his lips to mine in a kiss so forceful and filled with desperation, I couldn’t think of what I’d wanted to tell him anymore.  He was done talking.  At first, I tried to stop him, to push him off me, but he’d been right.  Even though I was taller, he did weigh more and had more muscle than me making him stronger.  Not that I put up much of a fight after he began his persuading.

            Tae Il’s whispered confession of affection for me sent me over the edge a few minutes after we started. “Wait, wait,” I panted, struggling for breath. 

            “Sorry,” he breathed into a kiss as he pushed some of his weight off me.

            “No, I…”  I couldn’t do this.  I couldn’t handle this.  He let go of the hand he’d been holding the entire time.  “No…”  As he began to pull away from me, I bent one leg over his and hooked my arms under his, holding him back.

            He waited patiently, wiping at the occasional runaway tear from my face, until I could compose myself.  My mind was reeling and I couldn’t manage a complete or coherent thought.  Sniffling, I cried, “I’m sorry, this is so stupid.” 

            Shaking his head, his pushed hair off my damp forehead, tears in his own eyes.  “We can stop if you’re not feeling-”

            I didn’t want to stop.  Or hear the rest of what he was going to say.  So I kissed him again and hoped we could just continue where we left off before my brain short circuited.

            Unaware that I’d actually fallen asleep, I bolted up in bed feeling confused and shaky.  I hadn’t had a nightmare or a night terror, I only woke up because I didn’t even know I was sleeping.  I was discombobulated.  The apartment was dark, the glow from the TV not doing much to light the room.  An unfamiliar Korean movie was playing with no subtitles.  I was too sleepy to focus on the words the actors were saying.  There was another source of dim light.  My laptop at my desk.  It was open.  Tae Il was sitting at my desk, cell phone in hand, he looked from the computer screen and down to his phone.  Back and forth.  He’d look at the screen and then type something into his phone.

            “Tae Il?”

            His body jolted, surprised, and he nearly dropped his phone.  He hastily tapped a few more buttons on his phone and then closed the internet window before lowering the lid of my laptop.  Tossing his phone back onto his pile of clothes that now included his wifebeater, he slipped back into bed.

            “I’m here.  Did you have a nightmare?” he whispered, pulling the covers over the both of us.

            Stiffly, I lay back.  “No.  I was just startled.  I don’t know.”

            “Get comfortable.  I’ll sing if you want,” he offered.

            “What were you doing?” I asked, curiously as I my side with my back to him and my head on his arm.

            “I’m sorry, I know I should have asked to use your computer, but I forgot to check my schedule for tomorrow.”

            He was lying.  I knew it.  “You don’t need my permission for anything, I was just wondering, but don’t lie.  You were on Twitter, weren’t you?” I teased.  I planned on checking my internet history as soon as I could.  He was concentrating too hard for him to be looking at his schedule.  And why would he need his phone?  Something was nagging at me and I couldn’t figure out why.

            Mid kiss to my shoulder, he chuckled against my skin.  “You got me.” 

            I fell asleep to his voice this time.  When I woke up again, I didn’t have a nightmare or a night terror. 

            After we went out to eat lunch, since we slept away the morning, he had to get back.  I swore left and right, up and down that I’d call him if I started bleeding again – which I wouldn’t even if I did – he left to go back to the dorms.

            Deciding on allowing it to be a lazy Sunday, I put in one of the DVDs Tae Il never took back and sat at my laptop, still inexplicably curious about what Tae Il was doing on my computer.

            A quick check of my internet history, I was at a loss for words.  How did he manage to find any of this?  I should have known he’d look, I guess, but I wondered what he was planning with this new information.