I’m a horrible person.  I’m going to hell.  But it’s not my fault.  It’s Tae Il’s fault.  If he weren’t so damn sweet and perfect and wonderful and…

            I let my head fall forward, hitting the top of my desk with a thunk.  Glancing at the time on my computer, I still had some time before I had to go to my next class.  More time to wallow in self pity and hate myself and try to think of Tae Il’s bad traits.

            No luck on that third one.

            The combination of the fact that I’d been feeling so good the few months before I met Tae Il and the fact that Tae Il was so patient and adorable and caring with me, I think it made me believe everything was going to be ok.

            I hadn’t coughed up splatters of tiny blood droplets since around the time I renewed my contract to teach another year.  And that was months before he came into my life.  Maybe he was good for me.  Maybe he was making me stronger.  I had that cold recently and I coughed a lot, but never that kind of cough, so maybe…

            Five weeks since we’d met.  Countless hours on the phone.  Countless walks in the middle of the night.  Countless times catching the sunrise after talking for too long. 

            Countless number of times I just knew he wanted to kiss me but was too painfully shy to make a move.  He had that look that guys get.  He’d stare at my lips.  I’d be laughing at something and he’d laugh too, but his laughter would die down faster than mine would.  I could see him working up his courage.  But I always ruined it.  On purpose.  I couldn’t let him kiss me.  I couldn’t get into this.  I couldn’t.

            But I wanted to so badly.

            Scratch that.  I wanted to do way more things to that guy.  And it was tormenting me.  I’d go to clubs with the girls from work still, but any guy I’d make out with or bump and grind with, he wouldn’t compare to what I imagined Tae Il would be like.

            Tae Il was seriously mentally -blocking me.

            I kind of liked it though.  Tae Il would be romantic, I bet.  Definitely not rough.  I couldn’t imagine him being the quickie type.  He’d be agonizingly slow in his movements.  He wouldn’t because I bet he’d be too worried he’d stutter and kill the mood, but to be honest, I think that would more.  For some reason, I also liked to think that he’d hold my hand during it.  Not tie me up or pin me down, but tenderly hold my hand.  It wouldn’t be lust in his eyes either.  Even though I bet he wants it as much as I do.  No, not lust.  It’d be affection.

            “Kelly Teacher!”

            I snapped upright, looking around.  Holy cheetos.  I was having X rated day dreams minutes before I had to go teach a group of eight year olds English grammar.

            “Where is Kelly Teacher?”

            I stood from my seat and pointed myself at the entrance to the teachers’ room.  The smile I was straining to put on my face must have looked off.  My face felt hot.  I could only imagine how badly I was blushing as the image of Tae Il was still clear as day in my mind’s eye.

            “Hi, Min Sol, what’s the matter?” I called to the little girl in the doorway.

            Her face lit up with she saw me.  “Kelly Teacher!  Can I show Teacher my homework before class?  My brother told me I did it wrong, but I don’t think so,” she called, too scared to step into the teachers’ room.

            “Of course, I’m coming!” I called back to her as I gathered my materials for the class.

            I smiled to the only two other teachers in the room during this block and rushed out of the room, thinking they could see into my head.

            That next week, Friday, I knew something was wrong.

            I actually turned down an invite to go clubbing with the girls from work.  Tae Il had a light schedule and wanted to get into full celebrity disguise – ball cap, sunglasses, hoodie, hood up – and take me to the movies and dinner.

            My first thought was: No, stop leading him on, you horrible girl!

            But what came out of my mouth was: “I’d love to.”

            When Jenna called me later that night and asked if I was going, I wanted to say: “Yes!  I have no plans!  Bring on the hot guys!”

            But instead what came out was, “Sorry, girl, I’m too tired.”  Then I quickly told her to have fun and rushed her off the phone so I wouldn’t have to explain myself.

            I was way more excited than I should be for this date.  Besides it being our first real one.  I was tingling with excitement just to look at him.  I should be weaning myself off my Tae Il fix, when really I was just falling deeper.  I kept trying to tell myself that it was ok to fall head over heels for a guy so quickly.  It wasn’t like I had all the time in the world or anything.  But that was exactly why I shouldn’t let this go on.

            It was just that he looked so damn cute when he got all excited and clapped his hands and asked if we could see some new action flick.  “Killer car chases!” he’d cheered and then flushed red and cringed.

            Seriously?  How could I resist?  Or say no to that face for that matter?

            So dinner and movies.  Light schedule today meant heavy schedules coming up, so Tae Il walked me home and admitted that was why he couldn’t stay over.  Like he had done a few other times since that first night.  He’d actually stay up after I fell asleep.  He explained that if two hours went by and I didn’t wake up screaming, it wasn’t a night terror night and he’d fall asleep. 

            Holding my hand.

            “I’m sorry the movie ,” he apologized in front of my apartment door.  I blinked back to reality and smiled.

            “It was fun, don’t worry about it.”  He smiled and looked down at his feet.  “You better get back to the dorms.  It’s already late and you said you have to get up early tomorrow.”

            He nodded and when he looked up at me, he was blushing adorably.  I must have been a wretched, old hag who liked to eat children and kick puppies in a past life.  This life was my punishment.

            “Um, Kelly…” he began.  I reached behind me, fumbling blindly for the key pad to unlock my door.  “I want to ask you something.”

            “Ok…”  I was having a hard time bending my arm backwards up high enough to hit the buttons.  Besides, I couldn’t figure out which buttons were which anyway.  I didn’t have the heart to just turn my back to him and bolt, so I leaned against the door casually.  Like I wasn’t just plotting my escape.

            “Well, the other members know about you.  That we s-see each other so much and that I, you know, talk to you…all the time.”  He was getting nervous.  He was fidgeting and his eyes were darting everywhere.

            I smiled and shrugged.  “Are they mad I’m taking all of your attention?” I kidded.

            He coughed out a laugh and shook his head, moving a fraction of an inch closer to me.  Backed against the door, I had no where to run.  Not that I wanted to, deep down.

            Tae Il laughed again, more to himself this time and shrugged, his arms flopping against his sides.

.