Pushing open the door to the street, I stuck my head out and yelled in Korean, “Oh my God!  Tae Il from Block b!  What are you doing in here?!”

            The few people unfortunate enough to be close enough to hear the sound of my voice, looked curious, but more at me than the absurd thought that the real Lee Tae Il from the group might be in here.

            Tae Il gasped and jerked me back into the stairwell, slamming the door shut.  He held me by the shoulders against the door.

            “Are you crazy?!  What is going on?” he growled.  Taking a breath, he let his hands slide off me and he stepped back.  “Kelly, please talk to me.  Tell me what’s going on.  I can fix it.  Well, I-I can try.”

            No, you can’t, I thought as I swallowed another taste of metal.

            “I’m not crazy.  You’re no fun.  Why did you pull me away?  I was going to show those guys I could jump from one roof to the other.  I could do it.”

            “Are you listening to yourself?!  Jump from roof to roof?!”

            I know what will do it.  I had to get mean.  Nasty.

            “You should try something fun once in a while.  Maybe you wouldn’t be the boring member of your lame band,” I sneered.  My stomach churned angrily at the harsh words that came out of my mouth.  He winced back the tiniest bit.  I didn’t mean it!  I’m sorry!  Please!  I really like your band mates!  You’re not boring at all!  I love spending time with you!  I blinked the truth away.  “I’ll go outside and shout to the world that you went swimming in your underwear in the river.  Maybe that will make you more popular.”  I reached for the doorknob again, but he dove forward, knocking my hand away before I could touch it.

            “You cannot be acting like this!  You’re going to get hurt and you’re going to get me into trouble!  Why do you have to be so crazy?” he demanded, flailing his arms out and letting them drop to his sides.  He scratched his head angrily and ran one hand down his face. 

            I knew this would get to him.  All of it.  I adjusted my expression to one of indifference.  “Well, then we should stop seeing each other,” I replied flatly.  “Wouldn’t want to tarnish your Block b reputation.  If you were caught being connected to some crazy foreigner, it would be catastrophic!” I gasped followed by a sardonic laugh.

            His face morphed from furious to apologetic as a sigh escaped his lips.  “I'm sorry.  You know that’s not what I meant, Kelly.  I’m just saying, I don’t want to see you get hurt.  I care about you.”

            I care about you, too.  “I don’t, actually.  You knew from the beginning, I didn’t do well with long term.  This end is way over due.”

            He frowned, eyeing me suspiciously.  Please don’t see through me.  “Where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

            I my lips subtly.  Blood.  Where is this coming from?  I can feel time slipping through my fingers.  I can’t hurt you.  “Not all of a sudden, come on now, you didn’t really think we had anything, did you?”  I almost choked on the sarcastic laugh that was forced out of my mouth.

            “Well, yeah.  I mean, we’re good together.  I’m shy, you’re outgoing.  I’m passive, you’re aggressive.  I’m rational, you’re crazy.”  He let out a light chuckle, he smoothed his hands down his jeans.  I bet his palms were sweating.  He looked nervous, like he was losing his confidence.  “I just think you should tone it down a little, but we’re perfect together.”

            I think so, too.  “I’m bored of you.”

            He actually cringed inwardly from my words, stepping farther from me and closer to the stairs.  I may as well have slapped him.  “But I love you.”

            I love you, too.  I sighed heavily, to keep it from being shaky.  “I feel nothing for you.  You were just fun, a toy, and now I’m over it.”

            “Kelly, what’s wrong?  What you did tonight was more insane than anything I’ve ever seen you do before.  What’s going on?  Please, stop this.  Just tell me.”

            I don’t want you to hurt when I’m gone.  “Nothing.  You were right.  I could get you into trouble.  Besides, I’m done with you.”  He locked my gaze with his, but I had to look away from his concerned eyes.  They made me want to run into his arms and curl against him, never let go.  He closed the distance between us in two strides.  I clenched my hands into fists at my sides when he threw his arms around me.

            “This is one of those moments I wish I could read your mind.  What do you keep buried down so deep?  Why are you like this?  Tell me.  Let me be there for you.  Let me help you.”  I tried to squirm out of his hold, but he held on tighter.

            Save me.  Please.  I want you to save me.  I don’t want to be like this.  I don’t want to die.  I want to be with you.  I want you.  I want you to help me.  “I don’t want you or your damn help.  Now, get off me.”

            “Not until you tell me what you’re hiding.”

            I’m dying.  “Why is it so hard for you to believe that I never cared about you?  That I played you.  That can’t possibly surprise you!  You mean nothing to me!” 

            Catching him off guard, I tore away from his embrace, instantly feeling the chill of loneliness.  I’d never seen him look so pained.  I scoffed so I could have a reason to look away from him for a second.  So he wouldn’t see the tears building.

            “That isn’t true,” he whispered.  But his eyes glistened with tears.  I did it.  I’d gotten to him. 

            You’re right, it’s not true.  You mean everything to me.  “Bye, Tae Il.”

            I stalked out, slamming the door behind me.  The noise from the door drowning out the sob that ripped from my throat.

            In the end, it would be for the best.  But right now, it hurt so bad.

            I sniffled and swallowed.  Was I imagining things now or could I still taste blood?  Was it that bad?  I cleared my throat and took off running.

            But I was pretty sure I didn’t have to run.  I’d gotten it.  I’d figured out how to hurt him.  To shock him frozen.  He wouldn’t be following me anytime soon.

            A few blocks later, I ducked into an alley and threw up.  Maybe I was doing the wrong thing.  Maybe a doctor here in Korea would have some answers the doctors years ago in the States didn’t have.  Maybe…

            In the dim street lights, I could see red in the vomit as it splashed to the dirty ground of the alley.

            Maybe…?  No maybe.  I was doing the right thing.  Even if it did hurt.

            I did such a good job of hurting Tae Il that he only called once the following day.  It took everything I had not to answer and tell him everything.  Tell him I wanted to be a penguin with him.  I ignored the call and by the next weekend, I hadn’t heard from him again.  I cried a lot.  At night.  The night terrors were more horrifying.  More suffocating.  More black.  More lonely.

            So what to do, what to do.  I went clubbing.  With the girls from work again.

            But I wasn’t in the mood.  Mostly because I’d rather be snuggled with Tae Il in a dark cinema or swinging on the swings at a playground, but also partially because I’d gotten a nosebleed while having a bloody coughing fit earlier that night.

            Half a bottle of mouth wash later, my tongue no longer tasted metallic.

            At the bar, looking miserable and completely unapproachable, someone tapped me on the shoulder.  For a split second, my brain betrayed me and formed an image of Tae Il.  Looking y in a dress shirt and black pants.  Maybe a loose tie.  No sunglasses.  No hat.  My blood pumped faster at the thought, until reality made it fizzle away.

            With a bored sigh, I twirled around on my bar stool to face the guy I knew wouldn’t be the one I wanted.  I may as well dance, grind, make out, have , rock out with him.  Whatever.  None of it mattered anymore.

            I frowned in sheer and utter confusion when I faced the person behind me.

            “Hey, there, Stranger,” he grinned, in an almost goofy seductive way.

            Hmm.  I cocked my head to the side, unsure if I was seeing things.

            “What?  What are you doing here?” I asked, baffled.