However many more hours passed and I woke up again.  Much more calmly this time, thankfully.  I stretched my stiff legs, timidly, so as not to wake Tae Il.  It was a little after seven in the morning.  There was no way I was getting out of bed at this hour on a Sunday.

            Instead, I pushed a little away from Tae Il so I could watch him sleep.  I always thought it was creepy when people did this in the movies, but staring at Tae Il, I understood why they did it.  I understood the feeling directors were trying to portray by having the actors watch someone sleep.  I just couldn’t take my eyes off him.  He was on his back.  One arm hanging off the edge of the bed.  The other was next to me.  His hand was probably on me when we fell asleep.  I was sure I tossed and turned a lot when I slept.  He had sharp features.  His mouth was open a little and studying his mouth, I wanted to kiss him.  I wanted to wake him up, crawl onto him and wrap my limbs around him.  I settled on sliding my fingers under his forearm.  I liked how soft and cool his skin felt.

            People in movies watch another person sleep because they love that person.

            The way I loved Tae Il.  Not that I’d ever say it to him.  But that was why.  Watching him sleep, I could memorize every detail of his face.  And realize that the fact I’d only known him a couple of months meant nothing in the sense of how strong my feelings were for him.  Whether I wanted to admit to them or not.  My heart pounded faster just toying with the idea of how I felt about him.

            In an alternate universe, this would be perfect.  Since he’d said it last night.  He said the words.  He meant the words.  I just knew he did.  The way he’d whispered them, it was perfect.  No one had ever said it to me.  No one had ever loved me.  No one had ever wanted me.  Not even the two people in the world that were actually supposed to.

            But Tae Il did.  And I wanted him to.  But I couldn’t…I shouldn’t.

            It was bittersweet.

            Just as I was replaying the things he’d said and did last night, to keep the horrible nightmare from replaying in my head, his hand – the one that was near me – balled into a fist as he stretched his arm a little.  My eyes darted to his face, but he still appeared to be asleep.  His hand relaxed, fingers grazing my thigh.  I wasn’t fooled into thinking he was sleeping when two fingers began walking up my side.  I pressed my lips into a thin line to keep from laughing.  His fingers walked up my side to my shoulder and then bounced over to my face.  Eyes were still closed as he lightly poked me in the nose.

            “How long were you going to tickle my arm and watch me sleep?” he asked, his voice y, I mean raspy, from sleep.

            His eyes were still closed and he hadn’t moved a muscle except that his hand had found mine and he was gently rubbing circles with his thumb against the back of my hand.  I pulled my other hand out from under his arm and laughed.

            “How did you know I was watching you?” I asked quietly.

            “I could feel you burning holes into me,” he teased.  He arched an eyebrow, but didn’t open his eyes yet.  “You were undressing me with your eyes.”

            I giggled.  “Can you blame me?  You’re kind of gorgeous.”

            A smile broke out on his face and his eyes popped open.  He to his side and, still holding onto my hand, pushed our hands under the pillow.

            “You think I’m gorgeous?”

            I rolled my eyes and linked my fingers with his under the pillow.  “I’ve always thought you were handsome from the first day I met you.”

            “Really?” he asked, dragging the word out, his mouth stretched into a wider smile.

            “Listen, it’s not my fault you’re a blind fool who doesn’t see how unbelievably good looking you are,” I replied, as-a-matter-of-factly with a shrug of one shoulder.

            His smile shrank to a thin one.  “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.  I blinked slowly at him, feeling giddy at the way he said ‘beautiful.’  “Are you ok?  I mean, last night…”

            I began chewing on the inside of my cheek.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

            “Ok,” he agreed, squeezing my hand a little.  He puckered his lips a bit.  “Wait, you don’t want to talk about anything from last night or just…the…”

            I laughed softly.  “Just the part where I woke up screaming hysterically and crying like a lunatic.  I don’t want to talk about that part.”

            He pouted a little.  “Me either.  You knocked me out of bed.”  I apologized, but he looked so cute, I couldn’t say it sincerely.  “It’s alright.  Kiss it better.”

            My eyes widened, but I wasn’t going to lie, I liked that – gradually – he was becoming more comfortable around me and wasn’t stuttering as much.  He still did more than not, but he was having more moments where he’d be teasing and suggestive and not trip over his words.  Like now.

            “Does it still hurt?”

            He nodded.  “Kiss it so it won’t hurt anymore.”

            “What part did you land on?” I asked cautiously.  He stuck out his lower lip and used his free hand to point to a spot on his back.  I let go of his hand and pulled myself up by my elbows and leaned over him to press a kiss to the place on his back.

            “Here too,” he said, touching his shoulder.  I eyed him suspiciously before kissing the place he was pointing to. 

            “Anywhere else?” I wondered.  He rolled onto his back under me so that I was propped up on my elbows, holding my upper half over him.

            “Well, now that you mention it…” he sighed dramatically, one hand slithering onto my side. 

            I kissed the spot he pointed to on his chest, under his collar bone.  And then his side, the place between his ribs, his throat.  He had a half smirk on his face when he pointed to his cheek.  Smiling, I leaned up to kiss him on the cheek.  At the last minute, he turned and caught my lips with his. 

            Both of his hands came to a rest on my lower back, holding me in place.

            “You tricked me,” I accused jokingly.

            “Yeah I did,” he replied smugly, one hand creeping up to the back of my head to push my face back down to his for another kiss.

            After a few blissful minutes of all that, I lowered my head to his chest and put my ear over his heart as he dragged his fingers comfortingly down my back.

            “Did you believe me?” he asked just above a whisper.  I tipped my face up a little to cast a glance at him real quick.  He was staring up at the ceiling.  I put my ear back to his chest and waited for him to continue.  “What I said, last night?”  I bit down on my bottom lip.  I should have added this to the list of things I didn’t want to talk about.

            “I believed you,” I said, knowing he wasn’t talking about the sweet things he whispered to me during, but what he’d said after and hoped he’d just let it go.

            His hands stopped moving on my back and he tapped my shoulder.  “Hey, look at me.”

            I would have hesitated longer, but he began to sit up.  Holding himself up by his elbows, his face was serious as his eyes scanned mine.

            “Kelly, I really do love you,” he stated.  “I know it scares you for some reason, but I want you to know that it’s ok.”

            “Tae Il,” I sighed no longer able to look him back in the eye.

            “Alright, I’m sorry, I just-”

            I let myself fall forward, throwing my arms around his shoulders.  I couldn’t say anything, but I didn’t want him to feel bad for saying it in the first place.  I just knew he wanted to ask why I wasn’t saying it back.  Why I wasn’t saying anything back.  Why I was so damn weird.  “Um…” I began, but actually had no words ready to spill out.

            “It’s ok.  I’m not trying to force you to say anything back, I only want you to know that I do and that I mean it.  Alright?  You don’t have to say anything.”

            God, could he be any more perfect?!  The words were on the tip of my tongue, I wanted to say them.  To tell him I loved him more than anyone I’d ever met in my life and that was saying a lot for a nobody like me.  He was the first person I ever loved, actually.  I wanted to tell him and as I pushed the words farther out of my mouth, I began counting the number of nosebleeds I’d had recently.  I thought of what was probably going on inside me right that very second.  So I couldn’t.  I couldn’t tell him.  As much as I loved him, I couldn’t hurt him.  And this would hurt him.

            It was making me crazy.  Fine.  I won’t feel bad about not saying anything back.  I won’t even think about it.  I take it back.  I don’t love him.  I don’t.  I don’t love Tae Il.

            I don’t love him.  I don’t love him.  I don’t love him.

            I just won’t say anything.

            I was good at not saying anything.  Tae Il didn’t say those words again to me for a few days, but one night he let them slip again and all I could do was bite down on my lip until the skin broke.  It seemed to take longer this time for my heart to slow down from a gallop.

             That next week, I was in my apartment grading papers for school when I started coughing.  At first, I thought I might just be getting sick again.

            But when I tasted iron, I knew it wasn’t a cold.  My chest heaved as I hacked and coughed so hard, I fell to my hands and knees on the floor.  When the choking feeling subsided and I could stop coughing, my hand was covered in blood and I was dizzy.

            Something in my brain, maybe it was the thought of Tae Il, shut down and I allowed myself more ‘maybe’ scenarios than I should have.  Maybe it was a virus.  Maybe it was an infection.  Maybe it would go away.  Maybe it was nothing.

            Three weeks.  Eleven coughing fits.  Seven blood stained shirts.

            Too many ‘maybe’ scenarios.  I was delusional.  I kept hearing Tae Il’s voice in my head.  I love you.  I love you.  I really do love you.

            Now I’d have to make him not love me.  I kept from rolling my eyes at the thought.  I was good at pushing people away.  I was good at being aggravatingly distant.  Which is what I’d start doing.

            I really did love him too and that was why I’d have to go back to what I was.  A girl who drank too much and partied too much and let too many guys touch her too many times.  

            Tae Il couldn’t possibly love someone like that.