I splashed some cold water on my face to drown out that damn voice.  Couldn’t I just have one perfect night with Tae Il?  Couldn’t I forget everything about anything just for one night?  Couldn’t I just pretend?  Just for one night?

            I turned off the faucet just as the voice asked me how many nights I thought I had left.  I dried my face and turned off the light. 

            When I came out of the bathroom, Tae Il was in the same spot in the same position I’d left him in.  Still looking a little confused.

            I thought about laughing and giving him some explanation about why I had to run into the bathroom like that, but decided against it.  I was afraid the voice was getting stronger and it would choose the words that came out of my mouth.

            Instead, I glided over to him and grabbed handfuls of his tee shirt.  Leading him by the shirt, I backed up to my bed until the backs of my knees hit the mattress and we toppled onto it.  He laughed and pushed himself up onto his elbows, keeping most of his weight off me.  Dipping his head, his kissed me hesitantly.  I tapped his elbows with my forearms, hoping he’d get the message I didn’t want him to hover.  I wanted to feel his body on mine.  I felt so cold.  My apartment was always kept cool, but I felt cold inside ever since I’d started thinking about ‘two months.’

            He understood and lowered himself off his elbows.  My arms instinctively went around his torso as he continued to kiss me.  I stared up at the Christmas lights as his kisses moved down my neck.  How many more Christmases would I see?  With almost shaky hands, Tae Il pushed my tee shirt up until it was bunched under my bra.  He would be gentlemanly during all this wouldn’t he?  He’d only dropped a few feather light kisses to my stomach when I felt him stop and lean off me.

            “Are you ok?” he asked.

            “Yes.  Why?” I asked flatly.

            “Well, uh…”  Even in the darkness of my apartment, tiny Christmas lights and the glow of the TV weren’t bright enough to cast much light around, I could tell he was beginning to blush.  “You’re kind of…panting and I haven’t even done anything yet.  We’re both still fully clothed.” 

            I pushed up onto my elbows.  “Sorry.  I’m just…”  Sick?  Dying?  Probably bleeding internally as we speak?  Ok, that was a bit of a stretch.  Withering away from the inside?  Freaking out over the exact moment when my body would just shut down completely? “I’m sorry, I’m just distracted.”

            “Is something wrong?” he asked, straightening my shirt to recover my body.  The concern in his eyes.  The gentle way he pushed pieces of hair behind my ear.  Tears filled my eyes.  What had I done?

            I rolled onto my side and curled against him, hugging him tightly.  Chin on his shoulder, I blinked rapidly to clear my eyes.

            He rubbed my back.  “Are you sure you’re ok?”

            “Yes, so no more talking,” I mumbled as I stretched the neckline of his tee shirt so my mouth could reach his collarbone as I fell back, taking him with me.

            All the times I fantasized about with Tae Il couldn’t compare to the real thing even if I put all the fantasies into one.  I was right about a few things however.

            He was romantic.  He was sweet.  He didn’t .  Instead, he breathed affectionate words directly into my ear.  In Korean, since apparently he’d temporarily lost the ability to speak English in the middle of it all.  And the one thing that actually made a tear roll from my eye and into my hair was that he did hold my hand.  Interlocked our fingers and held my hand.

            I tightened one arm around his middle as he lay on me.  Spent, breathing heavily, and content.  As content as I was, even if I couldn’t admit it.  Not even to myself.  I splayed the fingers of one hand across the center of his back.  My other hand still locked in his.  I didn’t want him to move.  Not just yet anyway.

            He pressed a kiss just below my shoulder onto my arm.  Nuzzling into my neck, I could feel his forehead was still a little sweaty like my neck was.  “I love you,” he whispered. 

            The breath leaving my lungs got caught in my throat.

            “It doesn’t count when you say it during ,” I told him lowly.

            I felt him smile against my neck before he kissed my throat.  Lifting his head, he looked directly into my eyes.  “I just knew you’d say that.  That’s why I waited until we were done.”

            After a strangled laugh, I kissed him full on the mouth.  Unable to say anything.

            I didn’t remember falling asleep.  I remembered the TV droning in the background and Tae Il singing quietly as I snuggled next to him.

            I started dreaming, it felt like, immediately after I’d drifted into sleep.  Not dreaming.  What’s the word for ‘to have a nightmare?’