Azazel, The Lonely Fallen Angel by vrene_43
VᴇʀꜱᴀEᴍᴇʀɢᴇ ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ。 — busy!
azazel the lonely fallen angel by vrene_43
title [3/5]
I think the title is a bit long and the second part after 'azazel' is pretty generic. I've seen titles with "The ___ Fallen Angel" or something along those lines before so it's not that stand out. The Azazel part is, of course, unique so that's something. Overall, I don't think the title is bad. It's just not that exciting either, it's in the middle, I'd say. That's just what I think, though.
description/foreword [6/10]
So, the first thing wrong with this is the formatting? I don't really know what's going on but... there's something going on. What I mean is this (yes, this is how it looks on my screen):
[CONTENDID1]"When a Demon Learned the Meaning of Love"[/CONTENDID1]
[CONTENDID2]By vrene_43[/CONTENDID2]
{CONTENDID4]Kim Taehyung...(rest of the description) + the picture you posted on the description[/CONTENDID4]
[CONTENDID3]This is where you wrote your A/N[/CONTENDID3]
I really don't know what's going on with that but it's really distracting and not good for your 'presentation' aspect on the story. It's the first thing people see, you should maybe clean that up a bit.
Moving on to the actual description since I was sidetracked, and the one thing I'm confused about is a 'human angel'... is she half human, half angel (not really sure how that works) or just an angel? I'm truthfully not familiar with this kind of stuff, as I'm not one to read these kind of concepts very often, so that's just a genuine question. Other than that, the description is fairly self explanatory. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
plot [32/50]
I can respect the fact that you did some research to write this story especially when it has a theme of religion. Whenever writers do that, I feel like they actually care. Some people like to just write things and use the "it's just a story" card to mask their laziness so, I appreciate you already, haha. Moving on.
I don't think the first chapter, or the prologue, needs a trigger warning. There's nothing in there that happens that is considered to be a trigger warning. Yes, there is death, but it's not actually explained so I think you're fine to not use it. Honestly, none of the chapters really need a trigger warning.
Though, I won't lie, I was already confused the second chapter in. I'm not sure what the actual plot is right now and honestly, I'm having a bit of trouble trying to figure it out. Judging by the description, the plot is Taehyung, or Azazel, learning how to love? That's really all I got so far.
I remember asking what a human angel was so I'm glad it got explained in the story, I like asking questions in the beginning and learning the purpose behind it in the story, I feel like that's good storytelling. Readers will always ask questions, while there are times these questions won't be answered, it's nice when they are.
Also, where did Taeyeon even come from--Like I get that she has to be 'Bae Irene's' mother but I'm confused since that isn't really what I expected. Honestly, I felt as if there was some weird romance going on between her and Taehyung, if anything. At least with the part in the flower store and that 'dream' he had, but I'm not really sure what's going on in terms of that yet.
I feel like I keep saying I don't understand things and I apologize LOL, I'm kind of slow at certain things. I'm not used to reading stories with heavy stuff like religion behind it since I like reading crack/fluff half of the time. Anywho, the story is going in the right direction, I think.
You write in paragraphs and you seem to have an understanding of what YOU want in the story, and I think that's really good. Your story, like any other, could use improvements, sure, but looking aside from that, you have a good story on your hands. Keep at it!
writing style/flow [13/20]
As you already mentioned, English isn't your first language so I'm not going to be too harsh here. There were some 'weird' grammar issues, I'm using the word 'weird' very loosely here, but they weren't much of a distraction. For example, the first sentence of chapter 1:
"Thousands years ago, before the expansion of Earth, Heaven was in chaos. There was a great war between the heaven troops and the rebel angels who was lead by Lucifer, one of the God's great angel."
Now the sentence overall is good, there were just minor mistakes that I thought I'd point out to help you in the future. We'll start with the first sentence.
"Thousands of years ago, before the expansion of Earth, Heaven was in chaos."
This wasn't that big of a mistake, really, but I thought I'd point it out anyways. "Thousand years ago" just sounds somewhat odd. That's why the 'of' would be there. Moving on to the next sentence:
"There was a great war between the troops of heaven and the rebel angelswho was lead by Lucifer, one of the God's greatest angels."
So, starting off on why I changed "heaven troops" to "troops of heaven" is because, mainly, it sounds better. "The troops of heaven" is more proper and would more likely be used compared to the term "heaven troops", plus it flows well with "the rebel angels."
Now, I removed "who was" for two reasons. 1. it wasn't needed. "Lead by Lucifer" works alone just as well, if not better. and 2. "who was" is actually incorrect. It would be "who were" because there's more than one troop. Was is singular, were is plural.
The reason I remove "the" from "one of the God's" is because if you're following the Lucifer/God thing, God is usually referred to as one being, depending on what religion you're looking at. I'm just basing this off my own religious knowledge. So, it would be: "one of God's" instead in terms of this specific aspect.
As for the addition of 'est' to greatest and 's' to angels, those were mainly because they sound better. Great can work, of course, it's not incorrect but reading it, I felt like it was missing something. As for angels, God has more than one angel. So, you'd use angels because he was ONE of his greatest angels, hinting that there were more angels elsewhere.
I did find a typo, or I think it is, in the second paragraph of the first chapter. It said "heaven troofs" instead of troops.
Another thing I noticed is that in one of the chapters, you said "Your welcome" which is wrong. It would be You're, which stands for 'You are'. Your is a sign of possession. Like "your dog", it's say that you own that dog. You're = You are. So "You're welcome" = "You are welcome."
Since I'm a stickler for proper grammar, the little mistakes I easily noticed but, as I said, I know English isn't your first language and you speak English better than a lot of native English speakers... (I wish I was kidding...) so really, don't worry too much about the grammar aspect of it, ok? You're doing good with it.
As for the flow of the story, there were parts I got confused over so I'd have to say the flow is a little here and there, but not completely terrible. I feel like I have a decent understanding of the story overall. I think your story is headed in the right direction.
characterization [7/10]
There's a lot of mentioned characters, really, but I kinda just want to focus on the main ones. So Taehyung, of course, and possibly Irene if I read enough to get a read on her (I didn't).
Taehyung seems to be a pretty typical leader from the olden times, many leaders were like that. Ruthless, heartless, didn't care about anything about power. I don't really understand why he became Azazel, but it probably has to do with the fact that he treated his kingdom like dirt. He's got an attitude, that's for sure, but he seems to be struggling with inner turmoil which you can easily tell just by looking at his character.
Irene, I can't say much about yet. She's barely in the story as of right now and that's fine, no need to rush. The story isn't finished yet, so this part is a little harder to do since Irene hasn't played any part yet. So, I won't say much about Irene because she's not really introduced yet.
I'll mention Taeyeon as well since that scene at the bar kind of confused me. Like, with Taehyung 'saving' her instead of killing her, whatever it mentioned there. I don't really understand where she came from but, well, she's gone now LOL. SO, I won't say much on her either.
Overall, just looking at Taehyung's character, the characterization isn't bad. I think you did a decent job with the characters.
personal enjoyment [2/5]
I'm personally not a fan of religious based things, I've had enough religion shoved down my throat growing up (I attended Catholic school and was forced to Sunday school...) so I just don't enjoy it, personally. The concept isn't bad, it just isn't for me. I also have never understood why people shipped BTS and RV and I find it slightly distasteful. There's nothing wrong with shipping what you ship but, like I said before, it's just not for me personally. Overall, I can tell you put time and effort into your story and I appreciate that in the long run. Minus the minor grammar errors, the story isn't bad.
total of [63/100]
others: please don't forget to credit the shop and if you have any questions or concerns, don't be afraid to ask. I can always help clarify for you since I feel like I say stuff that doesn't make sense at times.
I think the title is a bit long and the second part after 'azazel' is pretty generic. I've seen titles with "The ___ Fallen Angel" or something along those lines before so it's not that stand out. The Azazel part is, of course, unique so that's something. Overall, I don't think the title is bad. It's just not that exciting either, it's in the middle, I'd say. That's just what I think, though.
description/foreword [6/10]
So, the first thing wrong with this is the formatting? I don't really know what's going on but... there's something going on. What I mean is this (yes, this is how it looks on my screen):
[CONTENDID1]"When a Demon Learned the Meaning of Love"[/CONTENDID1]
[CONTENDID2]By vrene_43[/CONTENDID2]
{CONTENDID4]Kim Taehyung...(rest of the description) + the picture you posted on the description[/CONTENDID4]
[CONTENDID3]This is where you wrote your A/N[/CONTENDID3]
I really don't know what's going on with that but it's really distracting and not good for your 'presentation' aspect on the story. It's the first thing people see, you should maybe clean that up a bit.
Moving on to the actual description since I was sidetracked, and the one thing I'm confused about is a 'human angel'... is she half human, half angel (not really sure how that works) or just an angel? I'm truthfully not familiar with this kind of stuff, as I'm not one to read these kind of concepts very often, so that's just a genuine question. Other than that, the description is fairly self explanatory. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
plot [32/50]
I can respect the fact that you did some research to write this story especially when it has a theme of religion. Whenever writers do that, I feel like they actually care. Some people like to just write things and use the "it's just a story" card to mask their laziness so, I appreciate you already, haha. Moving on.
I don't think the first chapter, or the prologue, needs a trigger warning. There's nothing in there that happens that is considered to be a trigger warning. Yes, there is death, but it's not actually explained so I think you're fine to not use it. Honestly, none of the chapters really need a trigger warning.
Though, I won't lie, I was already confused the second chapter in. I'm not sure what the actual plot is right now and honestly, I'm having a bit of trouble trying to figure it out. Judging by the description, the plot is Taehyung, or Azazel, learning how to love? That's really all I got so far.
I remember asking what a human angel was so I'm glad it got explained in the story, I like asking questions in the beginning and learning the purpose behind it in the story, I feel like that's good storytelling. Readers will always ask questions, while there are times these questions won't be answered, it's nice when they are.
Also, where did Taeyeon even come from--Like I get that she has to be 'Bae Irene's' mother but I'm confused since that isn't really what I expected. Honestly, I felt as if there was some weird romance going on between her and Taehyung, if anything. At least with the part in the flower store and that 'dream' he had, but I'm not really sure what's going on in terms of that yet.
I feel like I keep saying I don't understand things and I apologize LOL, I'm kind of slow at certain things. I'm not used to reading stories with heavy stuff like religion behind it since I like reading crack/fluff half of the time. Anywho, the story is going in the right direction, I think.
You write in paragraphs and you seem to have an understanding of what YOU want in the story, and I think that's really good. Your story, like any other, could use improvements, sure, but looking aside from that, you have a good story on your hands. Keep at it!
writing style/flow [13/20]
As you already mentioned, English isn't your first language so I'm not going to be too harsh here. There were some 'weird' grammar issues, I'm using the word 'weird' very loosely here, but they weren't much of a distraction. For example, the first sentence of chapter 1:
"Thousands years ago, before the expansion of Earth, Heaven was in chaos. There was a great war between the heaven troops and the rebel angels who was lead by Lucifer, one of the God's great angel."
Now the sentence overall is good, there were just minor mistakes that I thought I'd point out to help you in the future. We'll start with the first sentence.
"Thousands of years ago, before the expansion of Earth, Heaven was in chaos."
This wasn't that big of a mistake, really, but I thought I'd point it out anyways. "Thousand years ago" just sounds somewhat odd. That's why the 'of' would be there. Moving on to the next sentence:
"There was a great war between the troops of heaven and the rebel angels
So, starting off on why I changed "heaven troops" to "troops of heaven" is because, mainly, it sounds better. "The troops of heaven" is more proper and would more likely be used compared to the term "heaven troops", plus it flows well with "the rebel angels."
Now, I removed "who was" for two reasons. 1. it wasn't needed. "Lead by Lucifer" works alone just as well, if not better. and 2. "who was" is actually incorrect. It would be "who were" because there's more than one troop. Was is singular, were is plural.
The reason I remove "the" from "one of the God's" is because if you're following the Lucifer/God thing, God is usually referred to as one being, depending on what religion you're looking at. I'm just basing this off my own religious knowledge. So, it would be: "one of God's" instead in terms of this specific aspect.
As for the addition of 'est' to greatest and 's' to angels, those were mainly because they sound better. Great can work, of course, it's not incorrect but reading it, I felt like it was missing something. As for angels, God has more than one angel. So, you'd use angels because he was ONE of his greatest angels, hinting that there were more angels elsewhere.
I did find a typo, or I think it is, in the second paragraph of the first chapter. It said "heaven troofs" instead of troops.
Another thing I noticed is that in one of the chapters, you said "Your welcome" which is wrong. It would be You're, which stands for 'You are'. Your is a sign of possession. Like "your dog", it's say that you own that dog. You're = You are. So "You're welcome" = "You are welcome."
Since I'm a stickler for proper grammar, the little mistakes I easily noticed but, as I said, I know English isn't your first language and you speak English better than a lot of native English speakers... (I wish I was kidding...) so really, don't worry too much about the grammar aspect of it, ok? You're doing good with it.
As for the flow of the story, there were parts I got confused over so I'd have to say the flow is a little here and there, but not completely terrible. I feel like I have a decent understanding of the story overall. I think your story is headed in the right direction.
characterization [7/10]
There's a lot of mentioned characters, really, but I kinda just want to focus on the main ones. So Taehyung, of course, and possibly Irene if I read enough to get a read on her (I didn't).
Taehyung seems to be a pretty typical leader from the olden times, many leaders were like that. Ruthless, heartless, didn't care about anything about power. I don't really understand why he became Azazel, but it probably has to do with the fact that he treated his kingdom like dirt. He's got an attitude, that's for sure, but he seems to be struggling with inner turmoil which you can easily tell just by looking at his character.
Irene, I can't say much about yet. She's barely in the story as of right now and that's fine, no need to rush. The story isn't finished yet, so this part is a little harder to do since Irene hasn't played any part yet. So, I won't say much about Irene because she's not really introduced yet.
I'll mention Taeyeon as well since that scene at the bar kind of confused me. Like, with Taehyung 'saving' her instead of killing her, whatever it mentioned there. I don't really understand where she came from but, well, she's gone now LOL. SO, I won't say much on her either.
Overall, just looking at Taehyung's character, the characterization isn't bad. I think you did a decent job with the characters.
personal enjoyment [2/5]
I'm personally not a fan of religious based things, I've had enough religion shoved down my throat growing up (I attended Catholic school and was forced to Sunday school...) so I just don't enjoy it, personally. The concept isn't bad, it just isn't for me. I also have never understood why people shipped BTS and RV and I find it slightly distasteful. There's nothing wrong with shipping what you ship but, like I said before, it's just not for me personally. Overall, I can tell you put time and effort into your story and I appreciate that in the long run. Minus the minor grammar errors, the story isn't bad.
total of [63/100]
others: please don't forget to credit the shop and if you have any questions or concerns, don't be afraid to ask. I can always help clarify for you since I feel like I say stuff that doesn't make sense at times.
With school starting back up again soon, I probably won't be doing many reviews, if at all. We'll see about it though. Thank you for everyone who has requested so far and over the years, I've really learned a lot from reviewing stories and shiz. ♥
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