Unpuzzled Memories by SHINeeMe08
VᴇʀꜱᴀEᴍᴇʀɢᴇ ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ。 — busy!
unpuzzled memories by shineeme08
title [5/5]
I personally like the title Unpuzzled Memories. It has a mysterious vibe to it honestly and that's what you were going for, it seems like it, but it definitely fits. The story itself seems to have a bit of a mysterious vibe. The poster is really nice too.
description/foreword [6/10]
So I feel like the description is a little lackluster. Mainly because, after reading, it's not only her parents that make her escape but the death of Jimin, who isn't really even mentioned to be in the story. It seems like both of those together made her overload and run away from home, landing her into this place.
plot [13/50]
So the plot is kind of what is lacking here, in my opinion. Things seem slightly scattered, to a degree, and I haven't really understood what's going on. I've read every chapter yet I have a hard time grasping what's going on. I'll try my best to break this down into part to discuss different things.
01. Who is Jimin and where did they meet? What specifically is that 'meeting place'?
The reason I ask this is because he's mentioned and he obviously has an impact on Umji. While this doesn't seem very important to the story, it can be, and it can add more depth to the story overall. When you just throw him in, I'm confused on the role he played. Yes, it said they were supposed to date, I believe, but there's really nothing on him. He's just kind of like a filler character that's supposed to push the plot forward but makes it more confusing. I think a little more background information on the two as a whole could have been more wholesome that way you could really feel how much of an impact his death had on her.
Also the meeting place, nothing was mentioned. It was just called a meeting place. Did they meet there regularly? Was it on school grounds or off school grounds? A little more specification would work there.
02. How did Jimin die?
A small detail albeit, but I feel like Jimin shows up and then he's dead. This relates to the last question of course but small details can really make it seem more in depth. Jimin doesn't really leave an impact at all. He's just there and then he's not.
03. What is this new world Umji is somehow into and why is she there? Who is Yerin?
This is where I got 100% confused. Did she get underneath the ground? I may be having a little trouble understanding this one. It seems like she did get underneath the ground but there should really be more background information on this world, especially since this seemingly is the main setting of the story. What does it look like exactly? Small details that are missing can really change the story itself. And Yerin, who is she and why is she there? Yerin's character is slightly confusing as I have no clue what she is exactly.
04. What is the purpose of her being there?
I do remember Yerin saying she, uh, wanted to make a new body or something out of Umji... Something weird like that but why is she really there and why her? How did they her underneath the floor. They don't really explain anything, at least not from what I've seen.
05. Is the scene in CH. 5 really necessary?
I don't know how that scene really ties into the plot/story. It really just seems like a, um, a.. weird ? kind of thing I guess and it just didn't really seem necesasry to move the plot forward. I know it's rated [M] as a warning-ish thing but it just doesn't feel necessary--it doesn't really push the plot forward. It just makes the people involved look like sickos and it was lowkey uncomfortable to read, especially since it's classified as . I would put a trigger warning at the beginning of the chapter just in case. It's a sensitive topic and it really... didn't seemingly need to be there.
Let's talk a little bit about the plot and break it down.
So Plot is obviously the way an author develops a series of events in a text, such as a book. It's pretty much the events that take place amongst the story, making it what it is. You can't have a story without a plot. Even with stories marked as "PWP ( without Plot)" have a bit of plot to them, even if it's just pure as events still happen in the story.
So a typical story will have certain steps to it.
Setting: The place where the story takes place.
We don't really know where because it's not mentioned in the story. Though, it is in the description.
Exposition: this is the introduction to the story. The characters and settings are introduced.
While the characters are introduced in the first chapter, namely Umji, it's still a little everywhere. Umji starts at home, goes to school, the rooftop, then a 'meeting place'. Of course, this is just the first chapter but the first chapter is the starting place of the plot. So, there is a bit lacking in these aspects. We still don't know anything about them.
Rising Action: The rising action presents a central conflict within a character or between one or more character. The conflict builds during the rising action.
There is technically a rising action, albeit a little lackluster, but it's there. The conflict is seemingly between Umji and her parents (although this isn't central, it's more on the side) and the central conflict of Umji and Yerin. The only thing is, I didn't really feel the conflict building. It just seemed to be at a bit of a stand still. We don't get any explanations to why she's really there or where she really is either.
: The occurs when the conflict is at its peak and when there seems to be no viable solution to the conflict.
The conflict obviously is between Yerin and Umji, while it's too early in the story to really discuss this aspect, we can briefly go over it. While Umji seems to have no solution right now, the main question is "will she escape from wherever she is right now?" Yerin obviously plays a part in that role. The conflict between these two characters should come to light later in the story, if it doesn't, there's a missing conflict and that's not good. Definitely consider having these two have that conflict.
Falling Action: The falling action occurs after the when the reader is still unsure if the protagonist will be able to resolve the conflict.
This mostly comes into play closer to the end of a story, so I wouldn't stress over this one too much right now. This will also involve Yerin and Umji, I believe.
Denouement: The denouement, or resolution, is the conclusion to the plot. Usually, the conflict is resolved at this point.
This story can go any way, really, there can be a plot twist near the end or there could not be. The resolution of the story is not able to be spoken about right now because the story isn't near the end (I don't believe it is, at least).
Now, I'm not trying to say the story is not good, because I think the concept behind it can have some potential (every story has potential, as does this one), I just think you left out a lot of elements to your story that could improve it. Details were missed as well. Like who is Jimin? Yes that question can be answered, but not really. He's stated as her friend, her only friend even, and said they were supposed to date. There's just a lot of missing pieces in between the lines, to say the least, right now.
Another thing that was confusing. The end of chapter 2 and the beginning of chapter 3.
At the end of chapter 2, Umji escapes from home and is dragged into this new world. She lands in Yerin's arms. In the beginning of chapter 3, she's preparing her escape once more from her parents. So it's happened twice in the story. I was a little confused at this scene, so I might look into that since there's no need for her to run away twice and such.
writing style/flow [7/20]
Let's start with writing style. There are a few grammar issues and typos I can point out. I'll start by chapter and do a quick run down on some things I've noticed happening in the story.
CH. 1
The one thing I noticed in this chapter was strange word structure. I guess an example of that would be:
"The alarm clock was ringing, she went into it and stop it."
The reason this is weird is because you cannot physically go into an alarm clock. So using the phrase 'went into it' is inaccurate. Also, it would be 'stopped it.' Because she stopped the clock. You could say this two ways.
"The alarm clock was ringing and Umji turned to stop it."
This could work because Umji does turn to stop it, guessing that she's in bed. Another option would be:
"The alarm clock was ringing. Umji went to stop it."
Both of these option work, really, but the wording of "she went into it" was what threw the sentence for a loop.
Another thing, which is pretty simple, is the sentence: "she rides bicycle", the reason this is off because it's not a word you typically just see on its own. What I mean by that is it's usually accompanied by a "a" or a "the". e.g. the bicycle, a bicycle, their bicycle, his/her bicycle. You usually don't just say bicycle when addressing it. So, the sentence would be "she rides her/the bicycle."
CH. 2
There are some sentence with missing words, like the word 'to' is missing from one sentence. It's not that big of a deal, but just letting you know that there is some missing words here and there.
One thing I wondered about is Umji not eating, I don't think she'd have much strength to actually run away. Water isn't going to fully sustain her and make her able to escape. She'd most likely collapse as she'd be pretty weak.
CH. 3
One thing I noticed here was the last sentence. "Umji just froze from her sit."
The word 'sit' is incorrect. While she is sitting down, she's sitting in a seat. Also the word 'from' doesn't really fit, so I changed it to 'in'. So it would be: "Umji froze in her seat."
CH. 4
Not much to say here that wasn't already said in previous chapter overviews.
CH. 5
So one thing I noticed here was the usage of 'btw', which you should never do in a story. Why? It's not proper language. It's slang/text language shortcuts that people use because they're usually too lazy to type 'by the way' or because they are in a rush. So the sentence I'm talking about is:
"Btw, did Hyun Woo hyung told you on what to do with her?"
This is incorrect, it'd be:
"By the way, did Hyunwoo/Hyun Woo (however you choose to write it) hyung tell you what to do with her?"
I noticed a sentece or two that didn't have a punctuation mark, like a period, at the end of the sentence. I would keep an eye on that and make sure you're putting punctuation.
The censorship of 'ing'. Now, the way I look at it is, if you're going to use a swear word, just do it. In this day and age, everyone curses. No need to censor it in a story, really. It's not a crime to curse. It looks kind of silly as "f***ing" especially since the content in this chapter is worse (in terms of... well, the fact that's it's pretty much ) than a single curse word.
For the flow of the story, it's a little scattered. Like I mentioned about CH.2 and CH.3, that was highly confusing since the same scene happened twice, just rewritten. She doesn't have to run away twice and such. Also the pace of the story is a bit... fast. I feel like I can't really get a grip on what's going on because I really have NO idea what's going on. I think a piece of advice I can give, it's something I do, is plan it out on paper. Make likea a "timeline" of what you want in the story. It really does help keep you on track. I would reread your story and ask yourself things like "does this actually make sense?" or "does this need to be here?" just to help guide yourself in the right direction. I reread my own stories more than once to make sure I'm going the right direction.
characterization [2/10]
So there's a few mentioned characters but all of them feel like strangers. Like sure, we know some stuff about Umji, like her parents didn't care (which is somewhat a cliche thing), her boyfriend, friend, whoever Jimin really was died out of the blue, and she's into another world where she's pretty much borderline . I don't have much to say on this, really, because there wasn't much to go on.
Jimin we know zero about, really, and we don't really know how they met or when they met. Just that they were pretty much 'going out'. Yerin's demonic. That's really all I can say about her, maybe a little crazy in the head as well. And no comment on the guys from CH.5 because... Oof is really all I can say about them.
I do think there should be a little more focus on characterization because these characters are what are in your story. No story would be that good without a character of some sort. Some characters are animals, most are human, and the list can go on. Characters are always important for your story, remember that.
personal enjoyment [1/5]
The concept itself is interesting. It's a matter of execution that made it fall a little flat for me. The reason I say this is because of the fact that everything felt scattered to me and CH.5 kind of made me question myself for a few seconds, honestly. I think you have a solid idea, there's just a lot of missing spots and loopholes that makes the story kind of hard to understand. Nothing against you or your story and I hope you don't feel discouraged by the review, I just want to help so I don't sugarcoat things. I'm also a picky fanfiction reader and the last chapter did kind of put me off, and, well, I don't read non-ship fanfics or girl group fanfics, but that wasn't the reason why I didn't personally enjoy it all that much. I do think it's the fact that I had a hard time processing the story itself, and the plot seemed like it was really up in the air for me.
total of [34/100]
others: Please don't forget to credit the review shop on your story, if you have any questions, you can ask and I'll try my best to answer it. I hope the score isn't discouraging. I'm trying to help you improve and, as I said, I don't think your story is bad at all in terms of concept. The idea of being tossed from one living hell to another could turn out to be a good story. It's just a matter of execution that fell a little flat for me, personally.
I'll start a review on your second story in a day or two so expect to see that lingering around as well.
I personally like the title Unpuzzled Memories. It has a mysterious vibe to it honestly and that's what you were going for, it seems like it, but it definitely fits. The story itself seems to have a bit of a mysterious vibe. The poster is really nice too.
description/foreword [6/10]
So I feel like the description is a little lackluster. Mainly because, after reading, it's not only her parents that make her escape but the death of Jimin, who isn't really even mentioned to be in the story. It seems like both of those together made her overload and run away from home, landing her into this place.
plot [13/50]
So the plot is kind of what is lacking here, in my opinion. Things seem slightly scattered, to a degree, and I haven't really understood what's going on. I've read every chapter yet I have a hard time grasping what's going on. I'll try my best to break this down into part to discuss different things.
01. Who is Jimin and where did they meet? What specifically is that 'meeting place'?
The reason I ask this is because he's mentioned and he obviously has an impact on Umji. While this doesn't seem very important to the story, it can be, and it can add more depth to the story overall. When you just throw him in, I'm confused on the role he played. Yes, it said they were supposed to date, I believe, but there's really nothing on him. He's just kind of like a filler character that's supposed to push the plot forward but makes it more confusing. I think a little more background information on the two as a whole could have been more wholesome that way you could really feel how much of an impact his death had on her.
Also the meeting place, nothing was mentioned. It was just called a meeting place. Did they meet there regularly? Was it on school grounds or off school grounds? A little more specification would work there.
02. How did Jimin die?
A small detail albeit, but I feel like Jimin shows up and then he's dead. This relates to the last question of course but small details can really make it seem more in depth. Jimin doesn't really leave an impact at all. He's just there and then he's not.
03. What is this new world Umji is somehow into and why is she there? Who is Yerin?
This is where I got 100% confused. Did she get underneath the ground? I may be having a little trouble understanding this one. It seems like she did get underneath the ground but there should really be more background information on this world, especially since this seemingly is the main setting of the story. What does it look like exactly? Small details that are missing can really change the story itself. And Yerin, who is she and why is she there? Yerin's character is slightly confusing as I have no clue what she is exactly.
04. What is the purpose of her being there?
I do remember Yerin saying she, uh, wanted to make a new body or something out of Umji... Something weird like that but why is she really there and why her? How did they her underneath the floor. They don't really explain anything, at least not from what I've seen.
05. Is the scene in CH. 5 really necessary?
I don't know how that scene really ties into the plot/story. It really just seems like a, um, a.. weird ? kind of thing I guess and it just didn't really seem necesasry to move the plot forward. I know it's rated [M] as a warning-ish thing but it just doesn't feel necessary--it doesn't really push the plot forward. It just makes the people involved look like sickos and it was lowkey uncomfortable to read, especially since it's classified as . I would put a trigger warning at the beginning of the chapter just in case. It's a sensitive topic and it really... didn't seemingly need to be there.
Let's talk a little bit about the plot and break it down.
So Plot is obviously the way an author develops a series of events in a text, such as a book. It's pretty much the events that take place amongst the story, making it what it is. You can't have a story without a plot. Even with stories marked as "PWP ( without Plot)" have a bit of plot to them, even if it's just pure as events still happen in the story.
So a typical story will have certain steps to it.
Setting: The place where the story takes place.
We don't really know where because it's not mentioned in the story. Though, it is in the description.
Exposition: this is the introduction to the story. The characters and settings are introduced.
While the characters are introduced in the first chapter, namely Umji, it's still a little everywhere. Umji starts at home, goes to school, the rooftop, then a 'meeting place'. Of course, this is just the first chapter but the first chapter is the starting place of the plot. So, there is a bit lacking in these aspects. We still don't know anything about them.
Rising Action: The rising action presents a central conflict within a character or between one or more character. The conflict builds during the rising action.
There is technically a rising action, albeit a little lackluster, but it's there. The conflict is seemingly between Umji and her parents (although this isn't central, it's more on the side) and the central conflict of Umji and Yerin. The only thing is, I didn't really feel the conflict building. It just seemed to be at a bit of a stand still. We don't get any explanations to why she's really there or where she really is either.
: The occurs when the conflict is at its peak and when there seems to be no viable solution to the conflict.
The conflict obviously is between Yerin and Umji, while it's too early in the story to really discuss this aspect, we can briefly go over it. While Umji seems to have no solution right now, the main question is "will she escape from wherever she is right now?" Yerin obviously plays a part in that role. The conflict between these two characters should come to light later in the story, if it doesn't, there's a missing conflict and that's not good. Definitely consider having these two have that conflict.
Falling Action: The falling action occurs after the when the reader is still unsure if the protagonist will be able to resolve the conflict.
This mostly comes into play closer to the end of a story, so I wouldn't stress over this one too much right now. This will also involve Yerin and Umji, I believe.
Denouement: The denouement, or resolution, is the conclusion to the plot. Usually, the conflict is resolved at this point.
This story can go any way, really, there can be a plot twist near the end or there could not be. The resolution of the story is not able to be spoken about right now because the story isn't near the end (I don't believe it is, at least).
Now, I'm not trying to say the story is not good, because I think the concept behind it can have some potential (every story has potential, as does this one), I just think you left out a lot of elements to your story that could improve it. Details were missed as well. Like who is Jimin? Yes that question can be answered, but not really. He's stated as her friend, her only friend even, and said they were supposed to date. There's just a lot of missing pieces in between the lines, to say the least, right now.
Another thing that was confusing. The end of chapter 2 and the beginning of chapter 3.
At the end of chapter 2, Umji escapes from home and is dragged into this new world. She lands in Yerin's arms. In the beginning of chapter 3, she's preparing her escape once more from her parents. So it's happened twice in the story. I was a little confused at this scene, so I might look into that since there's no need for her to run away twice and such.
writing style/flow [7/20]
Let's start with writing style. There are a few grammar issues and typos I can point out. I'll start by chapter and do a quick run down on some things I've noticed happening in the story.
CH. 1
The one thing I noticed in this chapter was strange word structure. I guess an example of that would be:
"The alarm clock was ringing, she went into it and stop it."
The reason this is weird is because you cannot physically go into an alarm clock. So using the phrase 'went into it' is inaccurate. Also, it would be 'stopped it.' Because she stopped the clock. You could say this two ways.
"The alarm clock was ringing and Umji turned to stop it."
This could work because Umji does turn to stop it, guessing that she's in bed. Another option would be:
"The alarm clock was ringing. Umji went to stop it."
Both of these option work, really, but the wording of "she went into it" was what threw the sentence for a loop.
Another thing, which is pretty simple, is the sentence: "she rides bicycle", the reason this is off because it's not a word you typically just see on its own. What I mean by that is it's usually accompanied by a "a" or a "the". e.g. the bicycle, a bicycle, their bicycle, his/her bicycle. You usually don't just say bicycle when addressing it. So, the sentence would be "she rides her/the bicycle."
CH. 2
There are some sentence with missing words, like the word 'to' is missing from one sentence. It's not that big of a deal, but just letting you know that there is some missing words here and there.
One thing I wondered about is Umji not eating, I don't think she'd have much strength to actually run away. Water isn't going to fully sustain her and make her able to escape. She'd most likely collapse as she'd be pretty weak.
CH. 3
One thing I noticed here was the last sentence. "Umji just froze from her sit."
The word 'sit' is incorrect. While she is sitting down, she's sitting in a seat. Also the word 'from' doesn't really fit, so I changed it to 'in'. So it would be: "Umji froze in her seat."
CH. 4
Not much to say here that wasn't already said in previous chapter overviews.
CH. 5
So one thing I noticed here was the usage of 'btw', which you should never do in a story. Why? It's not proper language. It's slang/text language shortcuts that people use because they're usually too lazy to type 'by the way' or because they are in a rush. So the sentence I'm talking about is:
"Btw, did Hyun Woo hyung told you on what to do with her?"
This is incorrect, it'd be:
"By the way, did Hyunwoo/Hyun Woo (however you choose to write it) hyung tell you what to do with her?"
I noticed a sentece or two that didn't have a punctuation mark, like a period, at the end of the sentence. I would keep an eye on that and make sure you're putting punctuation.
The censorship of 'ing'. Now, the way I look at it is, if you're going to use a swear word, just do it. In this day and age, everyone curses. No need to censor it in a story, really. It's not a crime to curse. It looks kind of silly as "f***ing" especially since the content in this chapter is worse (in terms of... well, the fact that's it's pretty much ) than a single curse word.
For the flow of the story, it's a little scattered. Like I mentioned about CH.2 and CH.3, that was highly confusing since the same scene happened twice, just rewritten. She doesn't have to run away twice and such. Also the pace of the story is a bit... fast. I feel like I can't really get a grip on what's going on because I really have NO idea what's going on. I think a piece of advice I can give, it's something I do, is plan it out on paper. Make likea a "timeline" of what you want in the story. It really does help keep you on track. I would reread your story and ask yourself things like "does this actually make sense?" or "does this need to be here?" just to help guide yourself in the right direction. I reread my own stories more than once to make sure I'm going the right direction.
characterization [2/10]
So there's a few mentioned characters but all of them feel like strangers. Like sure, we know some stuff about Umji, like her parents didn't care (which is somewhat a cliche thing), her boyfriend, friend, whoever Jimin really was died out of the blue, and she's into another world where she's pretty much borderline . I don't have much to say on this, really, because there wasn't much to go on.
Jimin we know zero about, really, and we don't really know how they met or when they met. Just that they were pretty much 'going out'. Yerin's demonic. That's really all I can say about her, maybe a little crazy in the head as well. And no comment on the guys from CH.5 because... Oof is really all I can say about them.
I do think there should be a little more focus on characterization because these characters are what are in your story. No story would be that good without a character of some sort. Some characters are animals, most are human, and the list can go on. Characters are always important for your story, remember that.
personal enjoyment [1/5]
The concept itself is interesting. It's a matter of execution that made it fall a little flat for me. The reason I say this is because of the fact that everything felt scattered to me and CH.5 kind of made me question myself for a few seconds, honestly. I think you have a solid idea, there's just a lot of missing spots and loopholes that makes the story kind of hard to understand. Nothing against you or your story and I hope you don't feel discouraged by the review, I just want to help so I don't sugarcoat things. I'm also a picky fanfiction reader and the last chapter did kind of put me off, and, well, I don't read non-ship fanfics or girl group fanfics, but that wasn't the reason why I didn't personally enjoy it all that much. I do think it's the fact that I had a hard time processing the story itself, and the plot seemed like it was really up in the air for me.
total of [34/100]
others: Please don't forget to credit the review shop on your story, if you have any questions, you can ask and I'll try my best to answer it. I hope the score isn't discouraging. I'm trying to help you improve and, as I said, I don't think your story is bad at all in terms of concept. The idea of being tossed from one living hell to another could turn out to be a good story. It's just a matter of execution that fell a little flat for me, personally.
I'll start a review on your second story in a day or two so expect to see that lingering around as well.
With school starting back up again soon, I probably won't be doing many reviews, if at all. We'll see about it though. Thank you for everyone who has requested so far and over the years, I've really learned a lot from reviewing stories and shiz. ♥
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