Date Me To The Game World by SHINeeMe08
VᴇʀꜱᴀEᴍᴇʀɢᴇ ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ。 — busy!
date me to the game world by shineeme08
title [3/5]
While the title isn't bad, I feel like it sounds a little off. Mainly because every time I try to say it, I say "Take Me to the Game World" instead of "Date" because "Date Me to the Game World" sounds incorrect in terms of grammar. I think I can see what you're going for though since there's dating going on in an online world, it seems. That's just from first glance though.
description/foreword [7/10]
While the description does tell you what the story is going to be about, it is a little inaccurate to the story. It's a small thing, really, but it said she 'accidentally' entered the game. From what I read, it kind of seems like she purposefully meant to. She did look up the game herself, after all. Other than that, the description is pretty simple and to the point.
plot [25/50]
So, I'm not going to go over too extensively about the plot since I think I covered a lot of it in your previous review (so I would retake a look at that if you need help with the plot) but there were some parts that confused me. Firstly being where Sungjae came from. It mentioned her meeting a girl, Eunji, not Sungjae, so I'm not sure where he came into play.
Another thing about the plot is, is this a game or real life? Because it sounds more real life compared to it just being a game. "she has seen it on the game' how can she see someone's apartment on a game? If it's a virtual reality video game, the setting wouldn't be the same. You mentioned her making a character, so I figured that it was just purely a video game. It seems like you mixed real life and the video game, which made it slightly confusing.
The scene with Eunji telling Namjoo "You break up with him now" is a little strange. That would never happen in real life and if it does, I'd need to see it to believe it. They barely knew each other in real life and she really doesn't have the right to tell Namjoo who to date. That part came out of no where so it was a little strange.
Though, at the end, it said she was back in her world after she ' out', but she had a message from Eunji on her computer. It still begs the question of if Eunji is even real or not, I'm not entirely sure myself. So either, Eunji is a figment of her imagination or she does exist outside of the computer. It's kind of hard to tell.
So overall, I think the main issue here is the gaps in the story. Loopholes that make the story a little hard to understand properly. Like where did Sungjae come from? How did they know what they looked like outside of the game? Games usually have characters that, yes, you can make look similar to yourself but will not actually look like you so I'm not sure how they knew. Why is real life and the game's world intertwined? Makes no sense. Is Eunji real or just a figment of Namjoo's imagination? I guess a little more focus on explaining things and clarification on certain things could help avoid confusion.
writing style/flow [12/20]
The writing style has a lot of the same things going on from the last story. Though one thing I noticed is that you tend to put a period on the outside of quotation marks. What I mean is this:
"Is he your boyfriend?".
There doesn't have to be a period here. You already ended the sentence with a '?', you shouldn't be putting periods on the outside of the ", especially since you already used punctuation to close off the sentence.
Another thing I noticed is the repeating of words. This is just one of the examples but I chose this one:
"Eunji bring her to a peaceful place, where people can relax well and enjoy the place. The place is beautiful and relaxing..."
For example, you mention the place is relaxing. Since you said people can relax well and enjoy the place, you don't need to say the place is relaxing. Since you said people relax well there, it's an indication of the place being relaxing. So there was a lot of this kind of 'repeating' of things, if that makes sense.
Another thing to take into account is this sentence: "Eunjoo is our couple name haha".
The usage of 'haha' is pretty informal to writing, as in writing, you would say that "Namjoo laughs." Or something of the sort. Also the period shouldn't be on the outside like I said before. A more proper way of doing it is:
"Eunjoo is our couple name." Namjoo laughs.
Something like that.
There are a few more things that could be fixed but I'll leave at this for now since they're not as important.
As for the flow of the story, I do feel like the story hops from one scene to another quite a bit but with oneshots, it's a little harder to establish a flow, especially when they're a lot shorter, like this one is. It's like trying to jampack a whole story into less than 3k words and it can be difficult. Sometimes it's not but, point is there. Overall, the flow is okay.
characterization [5/10]
This part is kind of hard to talk about since it's pretty short. There wasn't much characterization from them in this story and I'm still not entirely sure who Sungjae is. Sungjae just kind of came out of the blue unless I missed something. Eunji isn't mentioned much either until the end of the story and Namjoo just seems like a typical girl in a lot of these fanfics so she didn't really stand out at all. The way Hayoung was described as well sounds exactly like every OC side character/main character I've seen here. She's got all these people wanting to date her and all that, it's pretty cliche. So really, nothing stood out about the characters in this one.
personal enjoyment [1/5]
I had a lot more questions while reading then answers and it can be pretty confusing to not know what's going on. I like the concept since I'm a huge video game player but the story wasn't personally for me!
total of [53/100]
others: Sorry for taking longer than expected, I hit a motivation slum and pushed everything off. Hopefully the review is good enough oof. Anyways, thank you for requesting and I hope this helped.
While the title isn't bad, I feel like it sounds a little off. Mainly because every time I try to say it, I say "Take Me to the Game World" instead of "Date" because "Date Me to the Game World" sounds incorrect in terms of grammar. I think I can see what you're going for though since there's dating going on in an online world, it seems. That's just from first glance though.
description/foreword [7/10]
While the description does tell you what the story is going to be about, it is a little inaccurate to the story. It's a small thing, really, but it said she 'accidentally' entered the game. From what I read, it kind of seems like she purposefully meant to. She did look up the game herself, after all. Other than that, the description is pretty simple and to the point.
plot [25/50]
So, I'm not going to go over too extensively about the plot since I think I covered a lot of it in your previous review (so I would retake a look at that if you need help with the plot) but there were some parts that confused me. Firstly being where Sungjae came from. It mentioned her meeting a girl, Eunji, not Sungjae, so I'm not sure where he came into play.
Another thing about the plot is, is this a game or real life? Because it sounds more real life compared to it just being a game. "she has seen it on the game' how can she see someone's apartment on a game? If it's a virtual reality video game, the setting wouldn't be the same. You mentioned her making a character, so I figured that it was just purely a video game. It seems like you mixed real life and the video game, which made it slightly confusing.
The scene with Eunji telling Namjoo "You break up with him now" is a little strange. That would never happen in real life and if it does, I'd need to see it to believe it. They barely knew each other in real life and she really doesn't have the right to tell Namjoo who to date. That part came out of no where so it was a little strange.
Though, at the end, it said she was back in her world after she ' out', but she had a message from Eunji on her computer. It still begs the question of if Eunji is even real or not, I'm not entirely sure myself. So either, Eunji is a figment of her imagination or she does exist outside of the computer. It's kind of hard to tell.
So overall, I think the main issue here is the gaps in the story. Loopholes that make the story a little hard to understand properly. Like where did Sungjae come from? How did they know what they looked like outside of the game? Games usually have characters that, yes, you can make look similar to yourself but will not actually look like you so I'm not sure how they knew. Why is real life and the game's world intertwined? Makes no sense. Is Eunji real or just a figment of Namjoo's imagination? I guess a little more focus on explaining things and clarification on certain things could help avoid confusion.
writing style/flow [12/20]
The writing style has a lot of the same things going on from the last story. Though one thing I noticed is that you tend to put a period on the outside of quotation marks. What I mean is this:
"Is he your boyfriend?".
There doesn't have to be a period here. You already ended the sentence with a '?', you shouldn't be putting periods on the outside of the ", especially since you already used punctuation to close off the sentence.
Another thing I noticed is the repeating of words. This is just one of the examples but I chose this one:
"Eunji bring her to a peaceful place, where people can relax well and enjoy the place. The place is beautiful and relaxing..."
For example, you mention the place is relaxing. Since you said people can relax well and enjoy the place, you don't need to say the place is relaxing. Since you said people relax well there, it's an indication of the place being relaxing. So there was a lot of this kind of 'repeating' of things, if that makes sense.
Another thing to take into account is this sentence: "Eunjoo is our couple name haha".
The usage of 'haha' is pretty informal to writing, as in writing, you would say that "Namjoo laughs." Or something of the sort. Also the period shouldn't be on the outside like I said before. A more proper way of doing it is:
"Eunjoo is our couple name." Namjoo laughs.
Something like that.
There are a few more things that could be fixed but I'll leave at this for now since they're not as important.
As for the flow of the story, I do feel like the story hops from one scene to another quite a bit but with oneshots, it's a little harder to establish a flow, especially when they're a lot shorter, like this one is. It's like trying to jampack a whole story into less than 3k words and it can be difficult. Sometimes it's not but, point is there. Overall, the flow is okay.
characterization [5/10]
This part is kind of hard to talk about since it's pretty short. There wasn't much characterization from them in this story and I'm still not entirely sure who Sungjae is. Sungjae just kind of came out of the blue unless I missed something. Eunji isn't mentioned much either until the end of the story and Namjoo just seems like a typical girl in a lot of these fanfics so she didn't really stand out at all. The way Hayoung was described as well sounds exactly like every OC side character/main character I've seen here. She's got all these people wanting to date her and all that, it's pretty cliche. So really, nothing stood out about the characters in this one.
personal enjoyment [1/5]
I had a lot more questions while reading then answers and it can be pretty confusing to not know what's going on. I like the concept since I'm a huge video game player but the story wasn't personally for me!
total of [53/100]
others: Sorry for taking longer than expected, I hit a motivation slum and pushed everything off. Hopefully the review is good enough oof. Anyways, thank you for requesting and I hope this helped.
With school starting back up again soon, I probably won't be doing many reviews, if at all. We'll see about it though. Thank you for everyone who has requested so far and over the years, I've really learned a lot from reviewing stories and shiz. ♥
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