The days we spent in Jeju have been by far the best days of my life. Behind were the two days I had been considering the best. Jeju with the one I love was the best. Daily walks through Hamdeok beach, white sand an crystalline water Hyeopjae beach and late evening picnics, we even spent one sporty day at the Halla Mountain National Park! We got lost in a park with a huge and beautiful maze, visited museums, temples and parks… we did so many things that when we arrived at home, we couldn’t resist the urge to crawl into bed and sleep until the other day. Pictures were taken, and souvenirs were bought for our friends. But neither the pictures were watched, nor the presents were wrapped. We were exhausted.

‘Byul, I have to go’, I heard Joonmyeon gently shaking me the next morning. I turned to look at him ‘Why’, I asked while he kissed my forehead and I moved closer to him to hug him. ‘My father texted me’, he told me while putting his phone close to me so I could see the message by myself. ‘Aren’t you tired?’, I asked while sitting up to put my slippers on. ‘No, don’t worry. We went to sleep so early yesterday that I feel like we slept for two days’, he smiled. I stood up and put my robe on, to go to the kitchen and make breakfast for us two. But when he saw me cooking, he refused. ‘Baby, I’m sorry, but I will go to my place and pick up a clean suit and run to the firm. I love you!’, he explained, giving me a kiss and leaving. I sighed and continued making breakfast, for I was hungry anyway.

Despite I said that I would tell him that I love him, during all the time we spent in the island there was always something that kept me away from doing it. I really wanted to but every time I would try, it was either me, completely chickened out or something else happening at the moment that would just not let me come out clean, sort of speak. Now we are back in Seoul, and I should probably tell him now. But I can’t.

I am sure I love him, but I can’t.

Maybe I don’t want to blow up our relationship. Maybe that’s why.

Why else could it be?

I took a deep breath and called the pet hospital after breakfast, to tell them I had arrived. The told me that I should get there to cover for someone’s shift. I’ll have to think about my sudden inability to speak out later, apparently.

‘Park Byul, there’s someone at the hall waiting to talk to you’, one of the vets said, while I was at the recovery room, looking after one dog who had just undergone surgery. ‘You can take a break, we are not so busy right now and that little pal will do just fine without you. He needs to rest and you know it’, he smiled. I nodded and stood up, bowed and went to the hall. The person who was there waiting for me, was the dose of reality I needed to sink in that I was definitely back in town. ‘Hana!’, I sighed, trying to smile and mean it. I wonder what happened now. ‘Are you free?’, she asked me, and I took a while to look at her face. Her eyes were swollen and her cheeks red, and I could tell it was from crying really hard. I nodded and took her to a coffee shop, where she sat and looked at me with a weak smile. ‘I could really use a friend right now’, she said.

I didn’t even recall myself still being friends with her, but she needed a friend and there I was for her. Given the circumstances, I had no other choice. ‘Hana, you are making me nervous’, I told her while she fidgeted with her napkin.

- I know what happened between you and my boyfriend the night he got drunk and didn’t come home – She said, and a tear streamed down her face.

I didn’t know what to say. That happened long ago. So long, that I really thought she would never find out, or that Chanyeol would never tell her.

- You still love him, don’t you? – She asked, wiping her tears.

She was asking me whether or not I loved the reason why I ran away from home. Truth is I don’t anymore. I love Kim Joonmyeon.

- I don’t love him, Hana – I answered, smiling softly.

- But you did once, didn’t you? – She insisted, grabbing my hand over the table

- Yes, I did – I couldn’t hide that from her. She’d find out anyway.

- Why didn’t you tell me? – She asked, while more tears fell down

- It made no difference, Hana. I left home and let you to get together, and so you did. You wanted me out of the picture, remember? – I told her with a peaceful ace, hoping that my words hadn’t sounded so harsh – I’m sorry about the other night, he was drunk, and I was too weak to stop it from happening.

Hana looked into my eyes, and I could see how hurt she was. She opened her bag and turned off her phone, then sighed and went back to looking at me.

- When we met at the cinema, I could see how Chanyeol couldn’t keep his eyes away from you. To that point, he had been acting a little weird, but after I saw him that day it all made sense to me. But I didn’t want to pay attention,, you know? I figured that since you were friends for a long time, he must have been missing his friend, so I brushed aside with it – She took a while for her tears to go back and stop falling, looked up and kept staring into my eyes – I was stupid, wasn’t I?

- Hana, I don’t see where you are going with this – I told her, but she shook her head.

-After that day – She continued – It took him only one day to tell me what had happened that night. He told me he was sorry, that it wouldn’t happen ever again. But that wasn’t enough for me, so the next morning, while he was at college, I went to his belongings and found this – She said, taking a note from her bag, the note I should have gotten rid of when I had the chance to. I felt a void in my heart, for I was guilty of breaking my once friend’s heart – You don’t need to say anything – She told me, smiling weakly – It’s his handwriting.

- That happened months ago, Hana, before I even left… - I told her, trying to make her feel better.

- He will break up with me. It’s only a matter of time, Byul – She said, crying bitterly

- I don’t know what to say

- You don’t need to – Said she, taking a deep breath and wiping her tears one more time – I just pushed my luck to come find you at the hospital. I’ve been looking for you since the day before yesterday, but they told me you were away, and to keep coming. I found you today! – She smiled softly – I just want to ask you one last thing.

I looked at her and gasped. The last time she had asked me to help her with something was the beginning of a very bad time for me and why not mentioning it, the biggest mistake of that time.

- Please don’t ask him to break up with me. I know he still loves you, but I want to keep up with this lie for as long as I can. I need him with me.

- I won’t ask him to do anything, Hana – I said honestly.

I don’t need to, for I don’t love him anymore. Hana stood up, took a deep breath, fixed her dress and wiped her tears. ‘Just don’t do it’, she insisted. ‘I have to go now. Thank you again, Byul. One more time I will trust you, and I know you won’t let me down’. She took money from her back and put it over the table, to pay for our food, and left.

I sat there alone for a while. It was a lot to take in, after all. I should have told her when I got the chance. About that night, I mean. Not about that weekend. That’ will always be our secret, unless she already knows… anyway, none of my business! But if I had told her, I guess she would have killed me. She loves him to death.

I don’t want to think about Chanyeol either. Something in my heart tells me he deserves what is happening to him, but I am certainly not the one to make sure he is good or bad right now. I already let him go, even though we are both somewhat responsible for what Hana is feeling at the moment. I gasped, while taking a last bite of the slice of cheesecake I had ordered, and then stood up and paid to go back to the hospital. As soon as I finished my shift, I went to wait for my boyfriend at the firm. I needed to tell him the way I feel.

‘This is such a good surprise!’, smiled Joonmyeon, hugging me tight. I smiled and pulled him towards the exit ‘There’s something we need to talk about’, I told him, but soon after his phone rang again, and he held my hand and put it on his chest. ‘I have to go back, Byul, can we talk about it over dinner?’. I sighed and nodded giving him a kiss on the lips. ‘Work hard, Kim Joonmyeon!’, I smiled waving at him, while he walked to the elevator. One more time, something kept me away from telling him how I feel. ‘You are perfect, Park Byul!’, he yelled from the elevator. I smiled at him and went back home.

That was a good welcoming from Seoul, wasn’t it? Well, at least I can now begin thinking that at the end every truth comes out. I’m impressed, though.

I’m impressed because, deep in my heart, I feel somewhat happy that they are about to break up. I also wish that they had done it before. But it’s just that, because the one I love is Joonmyeon, and that’s the way it should be, right?

Right? 

Right. I'm only dreaming, I'm only making castles in the air. Nothing has happened, and for all it matters, I'm in love now. With the best guy in Seoul.