I can't take him out of my head. The smell of his perfume is still stuck in my senses, the sound of his laugh is what makes me laugh too, his smile... I see his smile everywhere. What's going on? Once more I'm a big bag of problems.

But this time... The feeling is different. On the one hand, I do not feel I made a mistake by staying with Chanyeol. Feelings I have for him remain untouched, but they have evolved. I do love him with my life and spirit, but there's something that makes me think of Joonmyeon every time I see a young couple. Because we were a couple, we were never real friends. Maybe that's the thing between Chanyeol and I, I still can't take our friendship off my head. But wasn't this what I wanted?

I will go to a convent and turn myself in. This whole thing shouldn't be this hard. I came back from China for the love of my life, and waited for him to come back to me. That was the plan, that was my target, my goal, the only thing I wanted.

Till there was him.

Not Chanyeol this time. Kim Joonmyeon.

So careless of whether or not I might correspond to his love, he spent his time making, in his and now my words, my life easier. And he did. He did!

Chanyeol came back to my life and he left me, because he said he loved me and for that matter he'd let me go, as my happiness was more important. That's what I need to understand. He loves me. He really does.

Does Chanyeol love me that way too?

Does it even matter? Its not like I'm going to go to the one who loves me the most, I'm not a dog which you can call its name to see who does it go to. But now that's all I can think of.

'It's like it's not you anymore', he told me while facing the window of our living room. I felt my heart falling down inside my body. 'How so?', I asked him, without standing up from the couch. Chanyeol sighed, without turning to look at me. 'Aren't you happy with me?', he asked softly. 'Isn't this what you wanted?', he continued. I could see where he was going, but for the first time I also felt that he had more left to say. 'Isn't this why you came back? Isn't me who you wanted? Aren't I the reason why you took me away from Hana?'.

Hana? All of the sudden, talking about her? What?

'You left her for me, Chanyeol. I came back and you were with her. You broke my heart and kept on being with her. I tried to start off with the right foot, another life without you, I tried to start again but then you would appear asking me if I was happy. That broke my heart even more. Because I saw your face, but you kept on being with her. I fell for someone else, for that was the only thing I could do, as you were apparently alright with her. Then, you came back. You came back when I was already convinced that I was in love with someone else. But the love I feel for you was stronger. Stronger than the pain you caused me', I told him calmly. He turned to look at me, and walked slowly towards the couch, squatting in front of me again. 'Do you love me as your boyfriend?', he asked softly.

- If I didn't want be with you, would I still be here?- I asked back.

- You came to me because he left you to choose. I appeared there because I left Hana to find the only person I have ever loved. But you didn't leave anyone - He said calmly.

- What are you trying to tell me?

- You don't know who you want to be with. You never did after you started with him. I'm not stupid. Maybe he loves you more than I do, who am I to decide on that matter. He let you go, and I was there to get you back. I got my chance and took advantage of It, fearing that this day would ever come.

I touched his cheek, and he held my hand on his face. 'Chanyeol, why are you saying this?', I asked him, not sure about the answer. He sighed and kissed the palm of my hand on his face. 'After the day I saw you with him, I saw your face. I never thought I would see that calm face again, with someone that wasn't me. You were calm, in peace. Ever since we are together, there's always something worrying you', he explained.

That's it. He will leave me like he left Hana. Chanyeol patted my nose. 'I'm not leaving you. You are my life, Park Byul.  I jut want you to be sure it's me who you want to be with. If things were easier, I would send you to do that thing from that movie where he guy erases a girl with ugly colored hair from his mind, what's the movie?', he said. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. 'I don't know',  I said. He smiled and kissed me in the sweetest way.

Is he right? Should I stop and see who I want in my life?

I shouldn't feel love. Over dramatic as it sounds, I think things were easier when I had just arrived back. My only concern, after all, was getting back with Chanyeol.

I guess that's why I'm leaving again.

Yes. Say what you want, go on. I'm a coward, I know.

At least I didn't run away to my mother this time. I just need some time off.

I'm confused.

Disappointed of course. I feel like getting out of my body just to slap myself and feel both relief and pain.

I took up a teaching position at a camp for children. I know nothing about teaching but at least I'll stay in Busan. They speak so cute here.

I feel terrible though. I didn't tell anyone. Only my boss, one of the doctors who sent me to teach about animals know. I hope it keeps that way.