I didn’t sleep last night. And I’m angry. I’m angry because I can’t stop thinking about Hana and what’s happening to her. Why should I even be thinking about that? It doesn’t make any sense at all! Those are her problems, not mine. I tried to help once but- apparently – it turned out the wrong way. I’m also angry because I couldn’t tell him the way I feel for him. Not during dinner, not during the movie we watched in the couch, not even in bed before sleeping, right after he told me he loved me! I didn’t freeze, but he asked me not to say anything, like every time before.

At least there is one thing there that I can actually fix.

 Saturday morning, a week ago we were in Jeju, enjoying the perfect times we spent. I woke up earlier from my three hour sleep, filled with dreams of my unfortunate friend, and silently made my way to the kitchen. I cooked as quietly as I could, but it was an easy thing to do since his bedroom was away from the kitchen, not like at my place. I put the dress he bought me to wear at the island, and went to grab a chair from the dining room to sit next to him to look at him while he slept. ‘’What are you doing in there?’, he asked groggily, with one eye opened. I stood up and brought him breakfast to bed. He smiled, sitting up so I could put the tray on his legs, over the covers. ‘Why are you doing this? How beautiful you look in that dress, Byul, why?’, he asked while looking at me.

It was time. I took a deep breath, and he tilted is head in confusion. ‘I did it because I love you, Kim Joonmyeon’, I told him holding my breath. He put his coffee on the bedside table, and put the tray aside to stand in front of me. ‘Do you?’, he asked, and his eyes were shining. I chuckled, looking down, and the lifting my head to look into his eyes. ‘How couldn’t I, Kim Joonmyeon?’,smiled, using the same words he used once. He hugged me tight, and then kissed me for a moment that I thought it was less than five minutes, but it was really more than one hour. ‘Breakfast is cold’, I told him while he caressed my cheek, lying in bed.

- I don’t care – Shrugged Joonmyeon

- Aren’t you hungry? I got up earlier to cook for you! – I complained

- I lost my appetite. You just told me you love me! Do you want me to eat with that in mind? – He asked

- Well, you are gonna have to-

- Why? You can’t take that away from me

- My love for you is not going to go anywhere, anytime soon, so you better get used to it and begin eating – I told him, eyes closed.

Joonmyeon looked at me and sighed. ‘Alright’, he said, reaching the tray to eat, even though it was ice cold. 

I took a while to go do the dishes, while he took a shower. I finally could tell him! But I couldn’t make myself stop thinking about Hana.

- Why the long face? – Asked Joonmyeon entering the kitchen, wearing for clothes only the towel on his lower body – You don’t love me, right?

- It’s not that. Don’t you even get me started on that: It took me more than one week to tell you, as to begin thinking I don’t love you. I’m sure I do – I said while drying some cups, but then I lifted my head and saw his outfit, and threw him the cloth I was using to dry the plates – Go put some clothes on!

He laughed and ran to the bedroom. A few minutes later he came back, wearing real clothes this time. ‘Aren’t you going to tell me now?’.

I sighed and breathed in. ‘Yesterday Hana went to the hospital to find me. She told me she needed a friend and I had no other choice but to listen’ I began, and Joonmyeon sat in the kitchen, cupping his face with his hands. ‘What did she tell you?’, he asked me. I sighed one more time and continued. ‘Basically, she told me she knew about Chanyeol and I, and since she thinks he will break up with her, she came to ask me not to tell him to leave her’. My boyfriend took a deep breath and remained serious.

- You said you loved me – He began – Are you sure you told me that because you are sure and not because you are doubtful?

- What kind of boyfriend are you? – I asked him seriously – Why would I tell you that I love you if I didn’t feel it? Do you even know how hard it was for me? – I told him becoming angry gradually. He stood up and hugged me. ‘I’m sorry, Byul, that was stupid. It’s just I can’t believe you finally love me!’. I nodded and told him it was alright.

After a while, I smiled at him and asked ‘What’s the plan for today’s afternoon?’ Joonmyeon looked at me and sighed. ‘Why can’t you stop thinking about Hana?’, he asked. I gasped. ‘I had just stopped thinking about her a while ago, you genius’, I growled. ‘It’s just she was my friend at some point of my life, so it’s obvious it makes me kinda sad to see her suffer like that’, I explained.

- Let it go – Said Joonmyeon

- That’s what I’m trying to do here with you in the couch. Why don’t we go out?

- I have a better idea – Said Joonmyeon standing up and closing the blinds – We have enough food here, and if not we can order, so why don’t we stay inside and have a movie marathon?

I clapped my hands and agreed.

That was the kind of day I’m talking about an easy, quiet day at home with my boyfriend, whom I love.

One month has passed, and I’m still swimming in happiness. The only thing that brings me a little bit down is that he is not with me now. Some people that his firm represent asked him to go with them for a complete assessment to Taiwan for two weeks, and since I couldn’t leave college for so long (again), I had to stay here. Pretty boring, to be honest, even at the hospital. A few dogs, mainly cats.

Until a ferret which name was Byul got to the recovery room. It had swallowed little pieces of a pen and thus it needed urgent surgery to avoid anything worse to happen. ‘What an idiot of an owner you have’, told the vet to the ferret while putting it in the cage, and taking a look at the records. ‘Call the owner, and tell him to come over tomorrow during the visiting times to pick up his pet’, he ordered, handing me the phone number. I gasped: one more time I had been brought closer to him. ‘Byul, like me’, I said to myself. ‘What kind of idiot I am not to have noticed that it was not a coincidence but the real thing. This is Chanyeol’s ferret’.

Sighing loudly, I grabbed the phone and dialed his number.

- Hello? – He answered softly

- Park Chanyeol, This is Park.. – I began

- Byul – He completed – I didn’t know you still worked there…

- Well, here I am – I said – Your pet is stable and you can come tomorrow to pick it up, from 9am to 11am during the morning, and from 3pm to 5pm during the afternoon.

- What happened to Byul? I had to run back to the café where I have to play, and couldn’t get to talk to the doctor.

- I can’t talk about that over the phone. You can ask that to the doctor when you come. Thank you, goodbye.

The vet looked at me shaking his head slowly. ‘Why do they keep exotic animals if they can’t be able to take a good a care of them’, complained he. I shrugged ‘I know him. He had ferrets when he was a young boy. Something must have happened to him’, I told him. The doctor nodded. ‘I’m guessing you also had ferrets, right?’, I tilted my head. ‘It’s either that or a masters degree on exotic animals and you are too young for that’.

When I got home, I got a message from my boyfriend ‘Day 5 out of 14! I miss you more of what I can stand! Love, Joonmyeon’. I giggled and answered: ‘It feels like longer. Hurry up and come quick! I love you! Byul’.

I had already changed into my pajamas, when I heard the doorbell rang. I was at home, it made no sense staying at Joonmyeon’s place if he wasn’t there so I have been living back home after he left. I opened up, and saw him. Pale, thinner, saddened.

- I broke up with her – He told me, with no emotion on his face, and I didn’t know what to say.

- So? – I asked, doubtful about letting him in.

- I came to you – He said, grabbing my hand.

- I can see that. Why are you doing this?

- Because I love you, Park Byul – He said – And I don’t care if he’s here.

- He’s not here

- I know, I asked the guards. I’m sorry. I love you, I love you.

He loves me. Park Chanyeol, at my door, saying that he loves me. Isn’t that what I wanted? What I had been dying to hear?

- I tried to forget you. I swear I tried – He began – When she tried to get closer to me, I rejected her so many times, and kept trying to reach you back there in China. But when you asked me to stop talking to you, I let her in, because that’s what you wanted, right?

- Yes – I said coldly. My nose began itching, am I going to cry?

- I thought that if I tried to be with her, you’d come back for me, because you’d discover that you were really in love with me. But when you did, it was too late. Remember when I told you that Hana thought I was still in love with you? – He asked, I nodded – I wasn’t only convincing her but myself. I love you, Byul. And it breaks my heart to love you everyday more. I thought I could be able to let you go like you did with me, but I can’t. I don’t want to.

I gasped and signaled him to come in.

- Do you think it’s that easy? To come now and say all this crap? – I asked once I closed the door, we stayed at the hallway

- It’s the truth – He answered looking down, taking off his beanie hat

- So what? Because it’s your truth, I’m supposed to what, run into your arms now? It’s too late, Chanyeol, too late – I told him, without realizing I was really about to cry.

- You left me! – Shouted Chanyeol, holding my shoulders – What did you expect me to do? What was I supposed to do after you stopped talking to me?

- You were never in love with me, if so you would have waitied! – I shouted back, I lost my control.

- I am an idiot, Byul! Remember? I didn’t know what to do! But I love you! I swear to God I love you! I can’t sleep without seeing you, I can’t play my music  without imagining you, I love you!

- You are an idiot! Of course you are! Did you think I stopped feeling all this love for you when I saw you with her? I love you, Park Chanyeol!

Oh no. No. I just told him I loved him.

We stopped and stared at each other for a while, breathless, mute, surprised. I opened the door for him. ‘I think you need to leave’, I told him. ‘But you just told me that you love me’, he complained. ‘Just leave. Leave’, I asked him. I closed the door behind him, and stayed there for a while, supporting myself in the door. He stayed on the other side, calling my name. I went to my room, got in bed, and began crying.

What happened?