I have been in ‘turtle mode’ for a while now.  What’s that, you ask? Well, I pretty much hide myself as soon as I get home. You know, I would love to say that I’m very busy, but it’s not that bad as to have no time for anything. A few days ago, I went back to my faculty, to take some courses to get extra credits for later, and I also went to the Animal Hospital I used to work when I was a student to see if I could get back in there. There are two sides of going back to work there: one, the money, and two, I won’t be forgetting anything I might forget from the university. I might not be going to study much this semester, but there’s no way I’m gonna let that happen. I want to be a good vet, after all.

That’s not my point, anyway.

I do know that someday, the day when I will have to face my neighbor again will come, but I’m frankly too ashamed after acting the way I did. Ashamed and sad, that’s how I feel. Yeah, I had met him a few days before that incident, but he had been so nice to me! I blew up, and even though I have already apologized to him, I blew that up too, because he was with a girl and I blew up his y times too, I’m sure.

And I don’t even want to get started with Chanyeol. A week after our ‘nostalgic drunk night’, he came into my door. ‘Byul, let’s talk’, he said when I opened. I sighed and said ‘What happened was something that came up in the moment, nothing more than that’. I didn’t really feel it that way, but if saying that was going to make him feel better, I would do it.

- I was drunk – He tried to justify himself

- That’s why we shouldn’t talk about it – I told him while he sighed and entered my house

- But you weren’t drunk – He continued. Of course I wasn’t, you Einstein

- Just leave it – I said, trying to sound as detached as I could

- I’m not leaving Hana.

Yeah, I know that for sure, you insensitive prick

- I know – I told him, without looking at him

- Don’t tell her what happened between us – He asked, with a worried expression

- I won’t.

- It won’t happen again – He said, looking at me as if he wanted me to fully confirm that.

- I know – I told him emotionlessly.

- Thank you. – He sighed in relief

- Is that it? – I asked, going to the door and opening it for him to go

- I guess – He said, slowly walking to the exit

- Ok – I gasped – Bye, Chanyeol

- Bye – He said

I closed the door behind me and bursted into tears. Even though I knew it wasn’t something it would last, something inside my heart still had the tiniest little hope that he would come back to me. But he didn’t. He’s not leaving her. Should I move on? That was a ty moment, to be honest

Anyway, it has been long enough since then and I haven’t heard from him or seen him. One month, and three weeks, to be exact. But I want to move on. I mean I guess I do, there’s not much to do, isn’t it? Ah, I will make up my mind, eventually.

I had to go the hospital to take care of an extra shift, well, not really but that’s what I told myself to keep out of the house so I wouldn’t have to see Joonmyeon. But the day I had been avoiding like a pathetic child had come. ‘Byul!’, exclaimed he while I was locking my door. I turned slowly and hoped for the best. ‘I thought you didn’t live here anymore!’  He smiled coming near me. Apparently, it was all good.

- Joonmyeon – I smiled – How are you?

- Fine! – He chuckled – Why have you been hiding? – He asked – Two months, Park Byul. I haven’t seen you in two months.

Did he keep count of the time we hadn’t seen each other?

- That’s true, but I haven’t been hiding! – I laughed, yeah right of course I haven’t. Joonmyeon nodded and I continued – I took up some courses at school and got a job.

- You are a big girl now! – Smiled Joonmyeon, ruffling my hair

- I am! – I said, lifting my head and putting my hands on my hips.

- You are – He repeated slowly – Hey, big girl, do you want to go out for a coffee sometime? – He offered

Park Byul, aren’t you trying to move on?, I thought. I took a deep breath and, ‘Why don’t we go now?’, I asked him bluntly

- Really? – He asked, opening his eyes widely

- Yeah – I smiled – Are you busy?

- Not at all – He shrugged happily

- Shall we go then? -  I asked, wiggling my eyebrows.

‘Let me get the keys’, he said. ‘Don’t you have them in your hands?’, I asked him laughing. ‘My car keys’, he smiled, and went inside to get them. ‘I had no idea you had a car’, I told them while going down in the elevator. Joonmyeon chuckled and sighed, ‘You barely know me, Park Byul’. I nodded and he shook his head laughing.

He took me to a nice coffee shop, but still I didn’t feel comfortable enough. Joonmyeon must have noticed, because he began talking.

- Listen – He said, grabbing my hand so I could stop eating and pay attention to him only – The other day, when you came in to my house to say sorry… - He began

- Don’t worry – I smiled at him, glad that we could clear that up – I understand. I was an idiot. Did your date go well?

- Date? – He repeated, tilting his head

- Date, yes. Well you said you were with someone, and I assumed it was a girl – I began, but an idea crossed my mind – Unless it was a boy…  Are you…?

- No! – Hurried Joonmyeon, blushing a little

- I’m sorry – Great idea, Byul.

- I was alone that day – He said – But I was a little mad at you so I didn’t want to talk much. I appreciated your apologies because I thought you really owed them to me, but I didn’t want to spend more time there with you.

- I can understand that, Joonmyeon. I was really an idiot.

- You know, Byul? You can’t understand. – He said simply, resting his head on one hand.

- Are you still mad at me? – I asked him, feeling a little lump on my throat

- No, I’m not – He said caressing my hand – But there’s no way in the world you’ll be able to understand why I was angry.

I smiled and put my other hand on top of his hand, the one that was previously holding the hand I was using to eat. ‘I’m sure that if you tell me I will know’. He smiled and shook his head. ‘If you opened your eyes, you might be able to see it’. Joonmyeon took his phone and looked at the time. ‘Do you mind if I take you back home now? I can buy another slice of that pie you are eating for you to takeout, but I’m afraid I have a meeting’. I stood up and nodded. A meeting?, I asked myself. Always caring, Joonmyeon hurried to explain. ‘I’m a lawyer. I work for my father’s firm so we have a meeting in a while. There, you know something about me now’. I smiled and nodded, and let him take me back home.

It was a good feeling, the one I got after our hangout. I kinda like Joonmyeon, though unfortunately for me, not in that sense, the one I should probably like him. Isn’t he perfect? He is, indeed. We’ll be great friends, I know.

After a while of relaxing at home, watching some old Disney movies (don’t judge), I felt someone knocking at my door. To my surprise, the one I saw through the peephole was Hana. I took a deep breath and opened the door.  ‘Hana, what are you doing here?’, I asked her, smiling uncomfortably.

- I came to bring you this – She said, giving me a basket with chocolates and other stuff to eat. I looked at her, weirded out – It’s not poison – She smiled cutely, and then turned serious – I came to thank you.

- Ok, thank you – I said, feeling more and more uncomfortable

- Seriously – She said, and I sighed and let her inside – Thank you for leaving and giving me time to male him fall for me – She began, once inside – I know the other day… well, the last time I saw you, I wasn’t the best person in Seoul, but it’s just I thought you were here to get him back and that really made me so angry…

Ah, right in the spot, dear Hana. But how come you don’t think so anymore?  What made you so naïve? I’m the silly one, remember?

- What made you think so? – I asked her, tilting my head.

- I always knew that my Yeollie was deeply in love with you – She said. You knew? And we spent so many sleepless nights gossiping and you didn’t tell me you disgraceful flower girl? I thought to myself, while trying to keep a relaxed expression – Many times, we argued over why he didn’t have the balls to tell you, until I found out I had fallen for him – She continued

- Why didn’t you tell him yourself, anyway?  - I asked her, resting my arm on the counter at the kitchen.

- Because I knew that if I asked you to help me, you’d be faithful enough to do exactly what I had asked you to do. Even if you found out that he loved you, you’d still do it because that’s how loyal you are. Also, it was a good and easy way to get you out of the picture. You are a great friend, Byul – Smiled Hana, hugging me tight.

I was about to put the kettle for us to have some coffee, but that killed all my good intentions. She wanted me out of the picture. I have no words. ‘Don’t thank me’, I told her. ‘I just hope you stop feeling paranoid about us. Nothing happened’. I lied. She smiled again and then excused herself, saying that she was only here to clear that up and left.

If someone asks me how I feel, the answer is ‘like crap’. Of course I wasn’t going to get in the middle, I already didn’t! So I never will either. Because I’m either stupid, or utterly loyal. I don’t know about that anymore though. If I were to be loyal to her, I should have told her about our little night, right? No! because Chanyeol asked me to keep it a secret. But my loyalty was still with her, wasn’t it? Not with him, of course. Oh, Jesus. Misplaced! Of course it had been misplaced! It’s in my blood, the blood type! That’s what my mother said before all of this started.

The question is, am I being too naïve? Too stupid? Or is it just I’m being plain good?

Hold on, weren’t you going to move on? Where did that go?

This time, I have no words of wisdom, Byul. Nothing. There’s nothing on my head.