I guess I really needed some time out, away from them. But I had been spending too much time pondering on who should I choose, having inside my head the certainty that the answer was going to come out anyway, no matter how many times I tried to put things to cool off to choose wisely.

It’s not even a competition, so it makes no sense on deciding on who should be chosen, judging by things done. If I could only have one more kiss, one more hug, one more talk until midnight, one more walk on the beach. But I can’t. It’s not like my heart is in doubt. My heart knows.

It’s my mind the one which refuses to let go.

Joonmyeon left after the day we spent. He said he didn’t want to feel he was trying to make me change my mind in any possible ways, so he decided it was for the best to leave. That was two days ago. He also said he was there not because he ‘wanted’ to find me, but because it was a request made by Chanyeol that he could not refuse.

I know I should have left right after he did, but I needed more time to get myself sorted out.

My life has been a mess, and all of this is because of two men. That doesn’t make any sense at all. I mean, some people get messed up lives because of their fate, of their choices, but I got messed up because I didn’t know what to do with my life after someone else began with all the talk about feelings and stuff.

If I only had been more honest to myself

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I took my backpack and grabbed the handle from my bag, and opened the door to go wait for my shuttle bus to the airport outside at the lobby. Biting my lips, I went through the words I had been writing in my head for him. I had finally made my decision and I was not going to let anything get on my way.

When I called my mother and told her I was about to tell him about my choice, she gasped on the phone and hoped it was for the best: I secretly would have loved if she had told me something different. But she was right from the beginning; I was supposed to be a woman and take the consequences and assume things, instead of running away from my problems. But I found the right one, I could listen to my heart and find the one I would never run away from. And I have to tell him.

I finally got home. I got home and I found a note.

‘Remember when I told you, you couldn’t run away forever? Did I ever tell you that? If I didn’t, I’m happy. I’m leaving on October 14^th,17.00.  I can’t stand to see you with him, I can’t let my feelings go away. I know you’re not here, I know. I just hope when you read this it’s too late’

I read his name and felt how my eyes turned blurry, filling up with tears. I had taken too long.

I looked at my calendar. October 14^th. 2 pm.

I called the one I didn’t choose, I called him desperately, in shear exasperation, in the name of our friendship, in the name of love. He came to me, and I asked him to take me to the airport. He sighed, and asked me if I was sure about my decision. He repeated my name, I had forgotten how many times I had heard it from him. ‘We better take a cab’, he said, pulling my arm towards the street. I looked at him and supported my head on his shoulder, as he carefully patted my back to make me feel calm.

We got there, we ran.

We tried to find him, we failed.

He went to the information desk and asked for his name, but it is forbidden to give away information about the passengers or the flights. At least that’s what they said.

I closed my eyes, and tried to remember. From all the times we ate together, from all the times we spoke till midnight, from all the times we cooked together… where could he be going?

He turned his back to me, and I smiled. I knew it.

I ran, and ran as if I didn’t care about anything else than telling him the truth. I ran and ran until I could see his back.  His name came out of my lips in a scream full of passion and desperation.

I called him.