Love Sparks
Oh My Gukkie Review GalleryStory Link - Love Sparks
Ti t l e 4 / 5
De s c r i p t i on & Fo r e w o r d 1 5 / 20
Ap p e a r a n c e ( N / A ) / 10
Pl o t 1 0 / 2 0
F l ow 8 / 10
Wr i t ing S t y le 1 3 / 15
S p e l l in g , G r a m m a r , P u n c t u a t i o n 1 2 / 20
O v e r a l l 6 2 / 9 0
I like the title to be quite honest. I am a fan of fluff, romance, and such and I feel like the name fits well with the story. The only reason why I took points off is because it’s not original. I’ve seen stories called “When Love Sparks,” “Love Spark,” and more.
Description&Foreword: 15/20
DESCRIPTION
The description is basic. It doesn’t really draw me in because you make it seem like it’s a typical cliched love story. It’s also a tad repetitive.
“Hani is a 16 year-old girl who’s in love with Kai, a classmate she’s liked since 8th grade. And this year, 11th grade year, is the one chance to talk to him. And maybe get close enough to be more than friends.”
-Okay. Here you already established that she has a crush on Kai in the first part of the first sentence but you repeat this fact in the second part. Also, be clear whether she likes or loves him. Those two words, in my opinion, have a different connotation though they basically mean the same thing. If it’s just a little school crush, use “like,” but if she’s in love with him, like full on infatuation, use “love.”
- It’s also a bit repetitive here too as well. Concise is nice, so you don’t have to go into detail about certain things. Sometimes just getting straight to the point is good too. Also, you could combine the second sentence with the last to have a better flow.
“Hani is a 16 year-old girl who’s been in love with her classmate, Kai, since the 8th grade. They’re now in 11th grade and this is Hani’s one chance to talk to him, and maybe get close enough to be more than just friends.”
-This is not repetitive and it states all that needs to be stated, without awkward phrasing and such.
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FOREWORD
I don’t usually find satisfaction in narrative introductions as a foreword but yours, I don’t mind so much. The “...and I’m an awkward teenage girl.” snippet was sort of unnecessary because through out the foreword, I feel like Hani is sort of awkward so it doesn’t need to be stated. If you’re doing an introduction, I feel like you should add in some personality to it. It seems sort of bland. Also, if you’re going to do an introduction, do add Hani’s full name. Some things could be phrased better. I suggest reading out loud to see if some sentences roll of your tongue easily.
“My name is (Last name) Hani. I’ve liked Kai for years now, without him catching on. At least, I don’t think so.
This year, I finally have a class with him, Algebra 2! It’s great because I sit right behind, which means I get to stare at the back of his body for an hour and a half, three days a week.
I’ve decided that this year, I will muster up the courage to have a real conversation with him… in person, I mean. I usually just message him on Facebook and hope for the best. But this is the year and my one chance to talk to him.”
You have no poster or background so I’m not going to be grading you hear. I just would like to mention that certain fonts are eye-catching while so can easily put people off. For me, I turn away from any story that has a cursive font unless it’s by one of my favourite authors. Cursive on the computer is hard to read so that’s really all I have to say.
Plot: 10/20
You’re only two chapters into this story so I can’t really grade you that well here so I’ll halve the points. The plot is basic; girl likes guy, guy doesn’t know girl, girl and guy become friends, guy starts to like girl.
So far, the plot isn’t really that interesting but like I’ve mentioned before, there’s only two chapters. I believe you’ll have some things in the future to spice up the plot such as plot twists, etc.
The flow was fine. It didn’t feel rushed or anything like that, but I guess it’s just because the story is starting. I guess the part where Kai stop’s talking to her seems a bit abrupt but the reason hasn’t come out yet.
You’re writing style is simple. The one thing I like is that since it’s in first person, there’s personality added to the words. The thing is, is that the writing isn’t impressive. Like I said, it’s simple.
Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation: 12/20
When you do dialogue, you don’t add a period if the spoken part is being continued and you don’t add a comma after the quotation mark. (That seemed confusing) Here’s an example:
“I really want to eat,” Tom said.
“So do I,” Charlie concurred.
Above, you see where I use a comma instead of a period? This is because though the quote would end with a period, it’s being continued outside of the quotation marks with the following sentence as it connects directly.
What you did was this:
“I really want to eat.”, Tom said.
Below is another example on writing dialogue:
“So do I.” Charlie’s stomach growled.
Now in this case, the “So do I.” doesn’t connect to the next sentence. They’re completely separate thoughts. (Sorry, I’m not the best at explaining this specific idea so you can just research how to write dialogue in literature or something along those lines.)
Also, you’ve changed the tense of your writing. Sometimes, it would be past tense and other times, present tense. I assume the story is mainly supposed to be in present tense so just go through your story and fix all the tenses.
Review by TheBeautyOfWords
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