There were three reasons. Three reasons why I told myself I couldn't love Song Minji. 

            After I had freed myself from her. I walked off without looking back. Not until I was certain that she wasn't looking my way anymore.

            "Minji!" I heard Yunho's voice and darted for cover. I leaned against a rendered wall, far from sight and then peeked at the reunited couple.

            The concern that I held within me diminished. Yunho was here. Which meant that Minji was now safe. When Yunho offered to piggy back her, my heart screamed but I chose to ignore it. There was where she belonged. With Jungwoo.

            "Looks like I'm not going to be the best man at your wedding, Song Minji." I muttered so that she couldn't hear it. I heaved in a heavy sigh and walked back towards my home. 

            I thought about them as I walked up the stairs. Inside me, I felt hollow but at the same time, I seemed to weigh a tonne. I stumbled to my door but one other door caught my eye. I crept up to it and held the handle, contemplating whether I should let myself in or not.

            It looked exactly like any other door in the house. No one lived behind that door anymore but the most precious girl to me used to stay there. I opened the door and let myself in, closing it behind me.

            Everything that I had locked deep within my heart for the past eight years erupted into every part of my body. I found my hands pushing the lamp on the side table forcefully onto the ground. The lamp shattered into ivory shards but that wasn't enough destruction.

            My heart was in so much more agony than this. I punched the wall hard, cracking the paint work with a broken pattern. My breathing grew heavier. I tensed at the image of leaving her and let out a heart-shattering cry of despair, my right cheek stung as the cut wound opened. Why? WHY?! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?!!!!

            I spied the dresser and advanced to it. The mirror before me reflected a person I despised the most. I glared menacingly at myself and aimed a fist at the mirror. A streak of blood oozed on the mirror and seeped between the cracks making a bloody spider web. My distorted face still lingered on the broken reflection so I punched it once again. And again. And again.

            In time, the glass was smeared with bright red liquid and I was no longer distinguishable on its fiery surface. My two hands felt numb but at the slightest movement, I winced in pain. I wasn't entirely bothered by it. It was a good distraction from something much more excruciating.

            I then dragged myself to the bed where she used to lay. Her smell still lingered on the bed sheets, the smell of fresh spring flowers. I was intoxicatedly drawn to it and collasped onto the mattress, soaking in her scent. I thought that she was the one. But she wasn't. Why? Because she was Song Minji. Why did she have to be Song Minji?

                        The first reason. She loved Gu Jungwoo. She was obliged to marry him for as long as I could remember. I clearly saw that Minji always wore a smile at the mention of his name.

            Even if I never admitted it to her, I loved her innocence. Her optimism brightened up my day, even if I shook her off with a cold response. And no matter how much I pushed her away from me, she always had a bad habit of coming back. I grew attached to her because the love she had for the people around her, was stronger than a crystal diamond, even the love she had for a cold-hearted Haeyoung.

            Despite the sadness of her departure, I couldn't help but smile at one thought. I had hated her, a lot. She still loved me back but even so, she loved Jungwoo more. 

                        "H- Jaejoong. Do you want to grab something to eat before you go home?"

            I glared at the man. Why was he treating me like a child? I've already told him many times that I wanted to kill him. "No, thank you." I flipped my head to look out the passenger window. I then felt a soft and loving pat on my head. My hair was messily out of place due to Doctor Song's hand. I turned back to him and gave him a look of annoyance.

            He wasn't looking at me. Rather, he was focusing on the road ahead of him. But a pleasant grimace was present on his lips. "Good boy. You used your manners." He said with his smiling mouth.

            I scratched my head unconsciously and tried to savour the care he had put into that hand that had touched my head. Suddenly realising that I was siding with the enemy, I scoffed and looked out the window again. I saw us turn into a fast food store and my impatience heightened. I wanted to get away from all this crazy too-good-for-nothing man.

            "One kids meal please." Mr. Song ordered at the drive-thru. We zoomed through and the staff handed a bright red box to him, which he quickly gave to me. "Open up and eat it."

            I looked at the box for a moment. Its happy face was beckoning me to rip it apart and so, I reluctantly did just that. Excitement rushed through me when I saw a small figurine inside. It was of a man with a cape.

            Mr. Song eyed the toy and bellowed. "Wow, it's superman."

            Superman? I thought to myself. What is Superman?

            The doctor read my confused face and immediately offered an explanation. "He is a superhero who saves the world."

            "I knew that!" I said immediately, wishing he would stop reading my mind.

            The man only looked at me sweetly without speaking another word. The deadly silence disturbed the atmosphere so I decided to eat the meal after all. It was better than speaking to a man who kept touching me with kind, sincere words.

            It was not long before we arrived at my house. It looked exactly the same as how I had left it; cold and uninviting. I felt a dead weight in me, setting me in place. I didn't want to leave the vehicle. It was a sanctuary compared to the mansion I called home.

            "Are you ready?" The doctor asked.

            I looked at him nervously. "Of c- course." I stuttered and punched myself inside for appearing so weak in front of him once again.

            "Jaejoong." Mr. Song clutched both of my shoulders and motioned me to breath slowly and steadily. "It's going to be okay."

            I slowly regained my breath then I looked at him coldly. "Let go of me."

            Doctor Song did so. "Jaejoong." He began. "It's okay if you hate me."

            I looked at him in silence, trying to decipher what in the world was going through his head.

            "I can understand how you feel so it's okay if you carry that hate inside you." Doctor Song empathised. "But don't let that kind of hate ruin your life, Jaejoong."

            I hated him. What was he? A man from the heavens? How dare his words touch my soul and sooth my heart. I ripped the car door open and let myself out. Mr. Song hastily followed after me.

            "You can leave now." I exclaimed.

            "No." Mr. Song said defiantly. "I'm going in there with you."

            "Are you stupid?" I bellowed at him. "This is my house. Do you know what is within my house walls? My father is a very high- ranked police officer. I could kill you easily." I opened the gate and let myself in and tried to shut it but Mr. Song managed to get through.

            "I know that you could kill me, Jaejoong." Mr. Song kept close to me. "But you won't, because you know how to listen to your heart."

            I stopped in my tracks and looked at him with pure anger. "Well, my heart says that I hate you and your family and that I really really want to kill you all!" I spat at him.

            I lied. That day when I first knew how to listen to my heart, I was aware of two things. One: I really despised this doctor but only because he had killed my mother. And two: I really didn't want to kill anyone.

            We were at the front door. Mr. Song gave me a few last words before we knocked on the door. I remember so clearly, those words he had said; it was like a safe haven for me. "Do come by and visit if you need someone to talk to, Jaejoong. As someone who can sincerely empathise with your loss, Song hospital welcomes you with open arms." And then he knocked on the door before I could. 

                        The second reason. No matter how good and moral that man was, I could never throw away my hatred for him.

            How could I forgive someone who killed my mother? Even if he was brave enough to admit that he had killed my mother. Even if he had apologised so sincerely to me, I can't let go of the hate.

            He also told me that I could make my father grow to love me but up until this day, I have witness no sense of compassion from him. I know now that he was just giving me motivation to become a better and stronger person but ultimately, he had lied to me. And I also hated him for that.

                        Minji had invited me to join her for a late dinner that night with her parents. I wanted to decline it because I was still elusive of how I felt towards her family but she had said it was her birthday so I decided to go. I had arrived at the estate quite early. The sun was just setting when I let myself in.

            The house was strangely silent. The only thing I heard was the pot sizzling on the stove. I remember calling out some names. Minji. Doctor Song. But there was no reply. I ran upstairs to find them but no one was there.

            However, two masked men had appeared out of nowhere and began to attack me. Luckily, I had almost mastered taekwondo. I managed to escape that day and dashed off. I knew that something was terribly wrong and I had to help them, even if I had mixed feelings towards them. I didn't want them to die. I ran for the nearest police station and reported the incident.

            Everything was in the headlines the next day. The couple along with one culprit had died that night due to a fire but the couple had been badly beatened and bruised beforehand. The perpertrator had a bullet to his head as well. Minji was deemed as missing. The only living family, her uncle, seized both the property and hospital and promised to find Minji, look after the hospital and rebuild the Song estate for her return.

            And I? I decided to take matters into my own hands. It has been five years since the incident and I was still unable to solve this case. There were no leads of any prime suspects, let alone the whereabouts of Song Minji. The culprit who perished in the fire was just a hired assasin. I recounted all the information I had collected but nothing was enlightening me.

            I sighed heavily, feeling distraught and concern for Song Minji. I had to admit that I missed her, a lot. It's been so long since I have seen her smile of pure happiness. I hoped that she was still out there in this world. I hoped that I could see her again, just once, just so I can be sure that she was safe. She was a great friend.

            Suddenly, I looked out the window and spied the postman on the other side of the fence. I disregarded the case for now and quickly sprinted towards the letter box. I gathered the pile of envelopes and scanned them for the one letter I had been anxiously waiting for.

            It had arrived. I ripped it open and gaped at its contents. My exam results were out and I had scored a whopping 99.65. That meant that I was in the top 0.35% of the whole nation of this graduating year. I squealed with happiness. Pleasure was a feeling I haven't felt in a long time. And then I rushed to tell my father.

            I crept to his study and was about to knock but I saw that his office door was slightly ajar. His voice was quite low but it still had its serious tone. It triggered my curiosity and I decided to eavesdrop rather than let my father know that I was there.

            "Are you sure Jaejoong didn't see you that night?" He said.

            "Positive." A stranger was in the room. "Jaejoong doesn't know that I was at the Song residence that night."

            I saw my father nod through the crack. "That's good. He's been studying the Song case intensely for the past five years."

            "Sir, why don't you just tell him the truth?"

            "No." My father said a bit anxiously. "He can't know what I did."

            I bursted into the room at that moment. "Did what?" I asked my father. "May I asked what you did at the Song estate, father?"

            His eyes only opened widely. He didn't say a word.

            The man beside him began to speak. "Well, you see young sir..."

            "Hyunbin!" My father suddenly raised his voice.

            The man beside him broke off and remained quiet. And I knew straight away what they were hiding. There was no way that a case had no lead. Not unless it was covered up by someone with high status. My face fell when I had realised what he had done. My very own father. "It was you." I shivered sullenly. The person who I looked up to the most was a murderer. "You killed the Song family, didn't you?"

            My father was appalled which only increased my suspicion. "I see you have grown attached to them, even when they're presumably dead." My father's response lacked any compassion in it. It only confirmed my suspicion.

            My voice then turned cold. I couldn't turn a blind eye to this. "It doesn't matter whether I have grown attached to them or not." I sneered at my father. It was a first. "On the contrary, what does matter is that you have just lowered yourself to sit on the same level as that doctor."

            I now knew what the doctor was talking about when he had said that my father would suffer if I had killed him. But in this case, it was my father who had killed and it was me who was suffering.

            I fled my house that day, taking with me the money I had saved up for the past six years. I had to go as far as possible. To a place where Kim Jaejoong and Song Minji's families don't exist. And so, I landed myself at a coastal town, far from the city of Seoul where Lee Minni lived. 

                        The third reason. My father had killed Song Minji's parents. There's no way that I was going let her love me, not after what my very own father had done to her family. I didn't even have the heart to tell her and I loved her so much. But how could a son reveal his father's dark secrets to the world?

            And so, I decided that it would be best to just let her go. If Minji loves Jungwoo again, she won't be too hurt to discover my father's shameful actions. She won't go through what I went through. The pain of knowing that someone you respected and honoured was a despicable human being.

            Therefore, I can't love Song Minji no matter how much I desired her and her radiant beauty, both inside and out. And I truly did pray that one day, she would forget that she ever loved a man by the name of Kim Jaejoong.

                        The bed was stained with blood. My blood. But I felt no physical pain. The pillow below my head was soaked with tears. Dusk had turned to dark night. My shakes didn't go away. My tears kept spilling uncontrollably. My shrieks were the only sound I heard in the dead of the night.

            The smell of her was no longer present on the bed sheets. It was completely gone now, washed by the smell of my salty tears and the metallic stench of blood. I flopped off the bed lifelessly. There was no point seeking remnants of her within the solden murky red sheets. There was nothing left of her in this room anymore and that put be on the edge. 

            I stared dazedly at the bloody mirror, ushering it to show my reflection on it again. Just so I could punch it again and feel a sting of pain. But the redness and dimly lit room only did the opposite and masked any image of me. I slumped against the side of the bed, wondering what would hurt more than the thought of Minji gone. Or better yet, what would take away this craziness I felt from missing her, from loving her so so much.

            That's when I remembered that I had a gun secured to my waist. I whisked it out and pressed its nozzle to my head. I knew that I had gone ballistic but I had to lose this thought of her gone, or else I would lose myself. But maybe, just maybe the resolution was just to lose myself. My life was trashy anyway. I grew up with a father who didn't love me. An enemy who killed me with kindness and a girl who I was forbidden to love.

            Where was the serendipitous future that I was hoping for? My goal was to get my father to reciprocate my love. I also wanted to let go of my hatred towards the Song family and be merciful. And I intended to find someone who could replace Song Minji. But nothing, nothing went according to my plans.

            Maybe death was the answer to my despair. Hence, I closed my eyes, said my farewells and I pressed hard on the trigger with only one image in my head. Song Minji.

AN:

omg... somehow I find this chapter so sad. TT TT

hopefully, I have given an adequate idea of Jaejoong's thoughts and his life when he returned home. 

still, IT'S SO SAD!!! 

I better quickly finish this story so that I can feel a bit better when it ends happily... or will it???

I think that it's going to finish on the 40th chapter. 

I still want to cry... Jaejoong!!! :<

whitdreamm