My body stirred awake but I couldn’t open my eyes yet.  I slowly lied on my back feeling the soft linen covering my half- body.  The room smelt of strawberries and roses.

I tried opening my eyes once again but, the light coming from the window blinded me. I knew I was in someone else’s bedroom.  Mine does not smell of strawberries and roses.  My bed is not as comfortable as this bed.

I had the urge to cuddle more of the pillows but, I kept hearing voices outside the window.  A little girl was squealing with delight while being chased by someone.

Her voice sounds familiar.  Sadness enveloped my chest upon remembering my daughter.

I bolted from the bed.  The head rush triggered my hangover.  I winced in pain.  I started remembering everything that happened the previous night.  My head throbbed even more.

My head snapped up when a door opened revealing Dara on her white bathrobe.  She was drying her hair with a small towel.

“Oh, you’re awake.”  She said.

I just keep staring at her.  God, she’s beautiful.

“You passed out last night.  Teddy brought you here.  You were burning with fever all night.”

I looked away from her.  If I stared more, I might forget I am not allowed to be near her.  I clenched my fists under the sheets.  My hands were wrapped with bandages.

I climbed down from the bed and looked for my clothes.  I was wearing someone else pajama’s.  A girly one to be exact.   It must be hers.

“Where are my clothes?” I demanded.  My attention kept going back outside the room.  Gon-ah’s playful squeals were music to my ears.  I wonder who she’s playing with.

“It’s still in the laundry.  Why don’t you eat first while waiting for your clothes to dry?”

This couldn’t be happening.  Why is she acting like nothing happened last night? Why does she keep appearing in front of me no matter how much I push her away? 

The light reflected on the diamond ring she was wearing when she reached for her hairbrush.  A reminder that I shouldn’t be in a room with her.  If only I can ask someone to bring me my clothes.  I can’t stay any longer.

My eyes darted at the door.  Gon-ah rushed inside.  She abruptly stopped running when she saw me.  She walked to her mother anxiously.  She must be scared of me.  I can’t blame her.  I’m a in’ .

“Is he still angry?”  She whispered to Dara.  My guilt was choking me.

They were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen; my beautiful little daughter standing next to her equally beautiful mother.  A man could not ask for more in his life.  Just the existence of these two beings in my life could have completed me.  If only I could have them in my arms…

A nagging guilt started gnawing inside my chest.  Gon-ah was looking at me anxiously.  She stepped back and hid behind her mother.  I felt so ashamed of myself.

A man appeared at the door.  He was tall and well-built.  His playful smile faded when our eyes met.

“Oh!  Am I interrupting something?”  He asked.  Neither I nor Dara answered.

“Is everything okay?” the man asked again.  His eyes travelled from me to Dara and back.

“Can you spare Jiyong some of your clothes?”  Dara finally spoke.  Her voice squeaked a bit.

“I don’t think I can fit on his clothes.”

I discouraged the idea of wearing the man’s clothes.  I was starting to get an idea who he was.

“I think I have something you can wear.  By the way, I’m Luis.  Dara’s fiancé.”

I snorted and just stared at his extended hand.

How ironic.  How ridiculous.  Here I am almost in Dara’s room with her fiancé next to her.  Someone’s making a fun of me up there.  I felt very unwanted.

“You know what?  Just give me my damn clothes.  I can’t stay here any longer.”  I saw my daughter flinched at my harsh words. 

“But-“

“Just give me my in’ clothes.  I don’t care!”

Dara’s face turned red.  She bolted out of the room and came back before I could blink my eyes.  She threw my still damp clothes at my face.

I ignored her and started dressing.  I was already at the door when she spoke again.  She was fuming mad.

“If you walked out of this, you’ll never see your daughter ever again.” 

I halted and faced her with a mocking smirk on my lips.

“Does it run in your family?  Threatening people.” 

“What do you mean?  Did my father-“

“Forget it.  Just leave me alone.” 

I turned my back at them.  I was finally able to breathe when I was once outside the house.  I tightly closed my eyes hoping everything would just disappear once I opened them.

I felt like a bucket of cold water was poured on me when a small hand tugged on my shirt.  Gon-ah’s quivering lips tore my heart to pieces.

“P-Poppa?” She hesitated calling me.  Then her tears started coming. My knees weakened at the sight of her.  I found myself buckling down in front of her.  I tried to stop the tears rolling down her face.

“C-Can I come with you?” She asked between sobs. 

Oh, God!  What have I done to my daughter?  She doesn’t deserve any of this.  I hate seeing her crying.  And it’s all because of me.  All because of her good-for-nothing father.

“Will you take me with you? I MISSED YOU, POPPA!”

All the tears I was trying to hold back poured out like a dam.  My daughter was bawling and begging me to take her. 

“Gon-ah. Baby-“

I held her fragile body in my arms, pulling her to my chest as tight as I could. 

“Poppa.  I want to come with you.  Don’t leave me again.  Please stay.”  Her sobs turned into small hiccups.  I started whispering soothing words to her while gently caressing her back. 

“Princess…” 

I couldn’t say another word.  It was very overwhelming.  And what I have to tell her will surely scar her for life.

“Gon-ah.  Listen to me.”

I pulled her little body away from my chest.  I made her look at my eyes.

“I can’t stay.  I can’t take you with me.”

It took her a while to absorb what I just told her. I saw the hurt and pain I bestowed my little princess.  I deserved to die for hurting such innocent child.  MY VERY OWN CHILD.

“Please don’t leave me.”  She howled and grabbed my neck tightly with her two arms.  She was determined not to let go of me.

“I love you, Poppa.  Promise.  I’ll be a good girl.  Don’t leave me again.”

“Listen to me, Princess.”  I tried to pull her from the hug, but she wouldn’t budge.  Her hold on me became even tighter.

“Why can’t we be together?  You.  Me.  And Momma.”

“Because you have Uncle Luis now.”

“But-“

“Gon-ah, listen to me.  And always remember this.”

I wiped her tears with my thumb.  She calmed down a little bit. 

“I will always love you.  You will always be my one and only princess.”  I paused and looked down on the ground between us.  I have to speak to her with all honesty.

“As much as I want to stay, I just can’t.  But, I will always be watching you from afar.  I may not be a good father to you right now but, I will forever make it up with you.  Just not the way you wanted but, I will find my own way.”

“Poppa?”

“I need to go now.  Go back inside.  And stop crying.” Her tears started coming out again.  Staying there is getting harder by the seconds.

“I want you to be a strong girl.  Take care of your Momma.”

“Poppa!”  She became hysterical once again. 

“Shh.  Stop crying, baby.  Please…”

We held on to each other not wanting to let go.  It was not her small arms clinging tightly to my neck that is choking me.  It was the sound of her cries that is suffocating me.

We were in that condition when Dara finally appeared. 

“Gon-ah?  What’s happening?”  She asked worriedly.

“Take her.”  I told her.  My eyes were pleading.  Dara tried to pull away her daughter from me but she resisted.

“NO!  POPPA!  DON’T LEAVE ME!  PLEASE DON’T GO!”

“Gon-ah.  Stop it!  Let him go.” Dara shouted.  She couldn’t bear to see her daughter breaking down.

“I need to go, Princess.  Please…”  I whispered to her.  I forcefully pulled her away from me.  Dara was quick to grab her.

“GO.  JUST GO!  AND NEVER COME BACK.”  Dara shouted at me.  I just closed my eyes as I turned my back at them.

“POPPA!  DON’T GO!  POPPA!!!!”

I continued walking away, ignoring her desperate call for me.  My vision has gone blurry from the hot tears that never ceased to fall.  I hastened my steps before I changed my mind.  I need to get away and bury the guilt that is eating me whole. 

“I’LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, GON-AH.  I PROMISE.”