Doojoon and I didn't speak on the car ride to the hotel in California. I didn't know why he was acting so weird. Usually, he would be very supportive of me and be a really great friend but lately, he's been getting on my nerves. Not to mention, he seems to object my relationship with ~~~~. It was kind of weird and fishy. 

I ignored the texts sent by my ex, Hara. My mind was telling me that she was just desperate and toying with me. She just wanted to play me once again. On the other hand, my heart told me that I was afraid I would be swayed by her actions. Afterall, didn't I love her with all my heart before? Had I moved on too quickly? My conscience told me that this was unfair to ~~~~ so I took that as the main reason as to why I had to ignore Hara and everything she would try to do.

"~~~~ and Joon will stay in a room together while the rest of us will be in two pairs. Here are the keys," Seungho said as he passed the room keys out. You weren't sure if Joon was still mad at you for whatever reason. You decided to stay silent and observe him. 

He obviously knew something was up and knowing Joon, he was very protective of you and with that, he would never let anything off easily and he would  try anything just to catch you. 

Joon said nothing as you guys unpacked. The only sound in the room was the television and the sound of plopping things on the bed. 

"Oppa..." you started, unsure if that was the right thing to do.

"What?" he asked, a little curtly.

"Nothing." you said quickly, as you totally regretted what you just did. 

He didn't respond to you and you guys joined MBLAQ for dinner before rehearsal shortly after settling in at the hotel.

You watched the rehearsal in silence. You were a little upset and not to mention, very paranoid. Loan sharks. You felt shivers down your back and you even twitched to the thought of it. 

After their rehearsal you guys went back to the hotel and rested preparing for the long day ahead for everyone.

4:00 AM

You and MBLAQ got into the van driven by the manager. It was unusually pretty pleasant in the car, considering how everyone was so tense and tired the past couple of days. Everyone was quite talkative except for you. You hadn't had a good night sleep and resulted to listening to the conversations around you. You pulled your hood over your head and looked out the window, taking in the scenary you couldn't find in Seoul. 

The one you loved? Honestly, you were a little thrown off by the note. Exhaling a bit, you closed your eyes and tried to shut out any thoughts. 

When you guys arrived at the amphitheater, you guys settled into the dressing room and watched all of the preparation go on. Joon told you to sit somewhere while they had run-throughs and other quick interviews. You weren't bored as it was really interesting to see all of the back-stage commotion. You wondered if Junhyung was here yet. Thunder interrupted your thoughts and told you to join them for a delayed lunch. 

"Are you bored here?" Seungho asked you, looking a bit apologetic that you had to sit through all of this.

"Ani," you smiled. He nodded and continued eating. One side of his cheek puffed up a bit. You barely touched your food as you were very bothered by the note. 

"Why aren't you eating?" Joon asked you as he gave you the "don't waste food" look. You looked down at your food and continued eating. You sensed that he was still a little bitter but you knew he wouldn't be like that for long. Aegyo usually worked with him but you were in no mood to do so. 

MBLAQ was ushered to do something and you decided to help the staff clean up.

"Oh miss we can do this!" a lady smiled at your kindness.

"It's okay. I have nothing to do anyway," you replied as you wiped down a table. 

It was currently 10am and pretty much all of the idol groups were rehearsing. You somehow knew that Beast would be here by now and that meant seeing Junhyung. You missed him and wanted to see him badly. 

Seeing that MBLAQ was doing a soundcheck, you walked around the building until you arrived at a door with a Beast sign on it. 

He must be in here. You thought as you opened the door to reveal the guys chatting. 

You stood a bit awkwardly in the doorway, trying to spot Junhyung, but you just couldn't seem to find him. 

"Oh! Junhyung hyung's friend!"

"Girlfriend to be exact!"

You were greeted by them and their attention was averted to you. You bowed quickly. 

"Are you looking for him?" Kikwang asked you. 

"N-neh," you nodded shyly. 

"Oh, come on in then. Don't just stand here. He'll be back in a bit," he said as he motioned for you to come have a seat. 

Seeing that you were too shy to come in, he led you in by giving you a gentle push from behind. After they asked you how you were doing and told you that Junhyung probably went to the bathroom, they continued on with chatting. As you looked up from your fingers, you locked eyes with Doojoon. You couldn't read him. He was so calm it made you scared. He didn't blink very often and stared at you. He stopped what he was doing on his phone when he caught you looking at him. You couldn't seem to look away as well. It was so wrong. You could feel it.

The butterflies in your stomach were present and undeniable. You told yourself that you didn't like Doojoon. What you believed was love was infatuation. He only sees you as a sister. You thought before looking back down. 

You couldn't get out the image of his eyes from your mind. How he gazed at you and how you guys never broke eye contact for the longest time. 

"I think I'll get going now. Good luck everyone," you bowed toward Beast. You told them you didn't want them to feel uncomfortable and have to be obligated to look after you. 

"Besides, I think my brother is probably wondering where I am anyway," you told Beast as they told you it was okay for you to stay. 

"Arasso. We'll tell him you came by," Yoseob said. They all looked at you a bit curiously as if they were trying to read you. You tried your best to be composed. You felt disappointed that you didn't see him. You were nearly waiting for almost 30 to 40 minutes. He was obviously not in the restroom. You knew Beast was trying to hide something from you. 

As you left the room and walked about ten steps. Someone came from behind you and called your name.

"~~~~," the voice said.

You stopped and turned around abruptly before turning back around and closing your eyes. Doojoon followed you out. You let him catch up to you as you continued walking. You were a bit sad you couldn't see Junhyung and something in you made you a little frustrated. Something was off and you knew it.

You guys walked in silence. 

"Are you sad," he asked after a while.

"No," you lied. 

"Liar," he scoffed.

"What are you guys hiding from me," you sighed.

"He went to talk to someone," he said.

"Someone?" you wondered. You guys turned the corner and saw something you really wish you hadn't. 

"~~~~," Doojoon said a little too late. You wished he could have told you not to turn this corner and save you from seeing what was in front of you. 

You froze and your breath left you. You stopped breathing normally for a moment. 

There, in front of you you saw Junhyung and Hara. He wiped her tear and rested his palm on her cheek. With his other hand, he tucked her hair behind her ear. 

You felt Doojoon tug your hand a little. You resisted and tore your hand away from him. 

You saw Hara hold his hand a tip-toed up to kiss him. Before you saw what would unfold, you turned around and went back into the direction you came from. 

You walked slowly, lifelessly, dejected, and hurt. With Doojoon behind you, quietly, you guys walked in the halls for about twenty minutes before you turned around to face him. He looked up and waited for you to speak. 

"You have a concert," you said in the strongest voice you could before breaking down. He nodded a bit. You turned around and kept on walking until you were sure that he wasn't following you anymore.

Before you could enter MBLAQ's dressing room, the door opened first.

"There she is hyung!" Mir, called to Joon as he looked you up and down.

"~~~~--ah, are you okay?" Mir asked you, with a confused look.

"Neh," you answered before going to your angry looking brother. 

"Yah. Why didn't you answer your phone. Why did you wander off by yourself," he questioned, sternly.

You looked up at him, trying your best not to cry. His facial expression changed. You couldn't help yourself as you hugged your brother tightly. This certainly caught him off-guard. At first, he said that this wasn't going to pay for your unresponsible behavior but after, his groupmates told him to stop being such a nagging brother and he eventually got over it as you wouldn't let go. He resulted to patting your head and asking what was wrong. 

"We'll be back," Joon told the members before walking out with you. 

He bought you something to drink. He held your hand as you guys walked. He always did that when he knew something was wrong.

"Oppa," you started.

"Hmm?" he asked.

"How do idols date?" you asked him.

"What do you mean?" he asked you, confused.

"Do they just do whatever they want just because they want to?" you asked, waiting for his answer.

"It really depends, why?" he asked, suspicious.

"Just curious. I hear a lot from the news," you lied.

"Usually, people always want us to look good and perfect. You just don't realize how many idols lie that they are single," he said.

"Really? Do you know anyone who doesn't hid it?" you asked.

"Have you heard of Junhyung from Beast?" he asked. You nodded.

"Well, it's obvious he's in love with Hara. He basically can't live without her. I hear that he's dating someone else just to make her come back to him. Earlier, I saw him and Hara talking. Hopefully everything works out, though it to be that one girl," he said.

"Really?" you asked, fire building up inside you.

"And that is why a normal girl like you should stay away from idols. You should thank me for trying not to introduce anyone to you. We just never have time to be with people other than idols," he said.

"Why are you guys are always in the headlines?" you asked.

"Well, we are human right? Who can resist dating a gorgeous celebrity. We can't hide it forever. Plus, we are always working together with other idols. It would be impossible not to be swayed," he said, thinking hard about this.

After a while he added,

"Though I know some people who are very sincere and don't date around. I admire that," he confessed. You wanted to scoff. Guys were guys afterall. 

"Joon!" his manager called from somewhere behind us. Joon had to go back and warm-up. He left you in the hall because you said you wanted to walk around some more. 

She kissed me. It felt so right and so very wrong. I was about to kiss her back except when the moment her lips crushed onto mine, ~~~~'s face popped up. I stood there like a statue and eventually Hara sensed her need to back up. She didn't seem too disappointed and said she would give me time, give us time, said that time would eventually erase everything. It was impossible not to feel anything. The familiarity or her made me mad, but it was what I needed the most. I was too in love with her that when she cheated on me, I pretended not to know for the longest time. I loved her so much that when we broke up, I dreamt about her almost every night, even when I was with ~~~~. I thought ~~~~ could help me forget about her even though I didn't have much faith in our new relationship.  Why did I even ask her out in the first place? I guess I wasn't sober. 

Something tells me I have to be responsible for her but Hara is on my mind all the time. Our memories, our past, I couldn't let go of it. 

I sighed as I walked back to my dressing room. Before I turned the corner, I saw ~~~~ walking toward me, lost in her own thoughts. She didn't seem to notice me until I blocked her path. Slowly, she looked up. With a blank expression on her face, it took her a while to shake it off. It was unusual of her.

"Oppa," she smiled, brightly.

"Hey," I replied. We looked at each other in silence. I was too occupied with my thoughts and emotions and ~~~~ seemed to be out of it. Before she could say anything, Hara came running down the hall, behind me. I knew her voice. 

~~~~ looked from me to her and back, frantic, like a lost duckling. 

"There you are Junhyung," Hara said sweetly, placing her palms on my shoulder, her chin resting upon it. 

~~~~ stood there silently. I couldn't read her anymore. It was scary, unlike her usual self.

"I'm Hara and who are you?" Hara asked her. ~~~~ was silent for a moment before speaking up, her fists balled, her face flushed. 

"It doesn't matter really. Nice meeting you though," ~~~~ said quietly before bowing and turning away. She didn't bother to make eye contact with me. Before I could say anything, Hara decided to speak up.

"Odd isn't she? Hmph, let's go! I have some food for you and Beast. They're already eating!" she smiled, like a child.

"You bought food for them?" I asked, looking off into the distance. ~~~~ could not be seen anymore. She walked off too quickly. 

"Of course. Just like the olden days right?" she clapped. She wrapped herself around my arm and led me back to the dressing room. What had I done? 

Junhyung came back into the room and he was accompanied by Hara. Before they came back, I just sat, watching my members eat. I was too preoccupied. All I could think of was ~~~~, how upset she was. She was so dejected. Had she felt like this when I dismissed her when she confessed to me? A sudden wash of guilt came over me.

Recently, I've been finding myself being compared to Junhyung. Whatever he did, I felt like I could do it ten times better. I kept visualizing myself with ~~~~ and she's been on my mind more than ever. Usually, it was just a couple of times a day and now, it's constant. I don't even know why I'm like this. I know I'm in love with her but I had my reasons to reject her. It's too much energy to be acquainted with an idol and I don't even have time to spend with her. I don't want her to wait for me and it's not easy to understand the life of an idol. I'm underestimating her but I love her too much to put her through this. What's the difference between dating and idol and waiting for your boyfriend who is serving in the military? 

We'll never be by her side. When she needs me the most, I'll never be there even if I want to. When she wants to talk to me, I have to make her wait until I'm free. I don't want her to have to accomodate me on every single thing. Even sending a text is hard. Why would you put someone you love through that? You can't always be selfish and have what you want because in the end, it won't work out. I'll be wasting her time and she'll know it for sure. Wouldn't we be better off, just as really close friends?

I thought we would be good friends after I rejected her but it only made things worse. Not only does she not want to see me nor talk to me, the atmosphere is different. She finds no interest in be associated with me. It hurts, like running into a glass door that was wiped down to the point of not even being able to see a glare. 

A voice interrupted my thoughts, a girl's voice. I looked up, thinking it was her but it only turned out to be Junhyung's true love. 

"Why aren't you helping yourself to some food Doojoon? Can I help you with anything?" Hara asked me.

"I'm not hungry but thank you for your generosity," I smiled at her. She nodded, disinterested as she fixed her focus on Junhyung. She kept placing things on his plate even when he didn't need anymore food. 

I studied the members. I could see from their eyes that they were confused about whether or not Hara was his girlfriend. Honestly, I was happy that Hara could take Junhyung away from ~~~~ and that no one but myself could have her. Another part of me was infuriated. How could Junhyung be so greedy and act like this? How could he hurt her like this? 

Breathing in deeply, I closed my eyes as I listened to the conversations around me to avoid thinking too much about her. 

Another part of me was infuriated. How could Junhyung be so greedy and act like this? How could he hurt her so?

Breathing in deeply, I closed my eyes. To distract myself from thinking too much about ~~~~, I listened to the conversations around me half-heartedly. 

I would have to do something about ~~~~ and Junhyung, in order to insure ~~~~'s happiness.