Suicide.

If suicide is the best solution, I would have done that many years ago. Trying to hang myself, cutting my veins, jumping down from a building, run out to the road when cars are rushing by, or maybe trying to kill someone so that I would be sentenced to death. No, I’ve tried it before, or maybe several times and trying out in different ways, but just that the Master of Hell does not want to accept me, or maybe….. is just that, God does not want me to die.

I was once like a princess in a fairytale story, being loved and to be loved by people around me. I was born in a golden spoon family but I had a warm and understanding family, a responsible father, a lovely mother and a caring and handsome elder brother, Ji Sun. By the way, my dad owns a large firm in Korea, which means, both my parents are CEO of the firm. However, both my parents had never ever neglected both of us and always teach us to be independent, humble and stay on principles in life. My brother was a top student in school and he is always top 5 student in the whole school. My brother was even nominated as the prom king when he was 17 years old. He is just so good looking and talented guy. And obviously, both my parents were very proud of him and love him more than me.

What about me?  I just an ordinary growing school girl that has an extraordinary family members, that’s all. Perhaps, I do felt that I’m an ‘extra’ in the family at times. Hence, I’m always ended up by pressuring myself so that I can be ‘on par’ with them. Pabo? Yeah, I’ve always being teased like that but I care not because I’m always an optimistic and happy go lucky girl.

However, things had changed when I was 15 years old. My fairy tale story had ended with disaster after disaster. It seems that someone had cursed my whole family, with a poisonous spell. A spell that took away all three beloved family members of mine, leaving me alone in this earth.

First was my brother. My brother was killed when he attempted to save me. I was blinded by my sadness because I failed all my papers when I was in Grade 2 and I dare not step into the house. The only person that I could contact that moment was my brother and he came to find me immediately. I was crossing the road the road blindly, thinking as though as the road was mine, until I heard someone shouted my name from another end of the road,

‘Jae Yung a-‘

I was startled in the middle of the road because his screaming. I turned and I saw a white colour car rushing by my direction with a super loud horn and flashing white light. 15 years of memories flashed back one by one. I thought that I was going to die. But suddenly, I felt a strong force pushed me aside and I fell down on the roadside. Then, I heard a loud sound ‘Ekkkkk…..’ and followed by a loud sound, ‘bang…..’

I got myself up and saw a white colour car banged on someone. It was a terrifying accident. He was lying down on the floor helplessly and no one dare to go near the person. I rushed to him and I grabbed his shoulder to have a look at him. He is my brother. I helped him up immediately. He was full with cuts and scratches. His head was bleeding and bloods were everywhere. He was lying in my arms and my tears could not stop dripping.

‘I’m glad…. I’m glad that you are fine.. You are fine….’ My brother uttered softly.

He was coughing all the way when he uttered those words and then, he vomited blood.

‘Oppa… oppa, please stop talking, oppa. You will be fine. You will be fine.’

‘Help… Help…... Please call the ambulance.  Please call 119, please….’ I started shouting and yelling like a mad woman. I started crying even louder and louder, and I just couldn’t calm myself down. People started hurried by and offered help. 

‘Oppa… Please stay strong. The ambulance will be here in few minutes time. Please stay strong oppa.’ I continued.

‘Jae Yung a-, don’t cry anymore. Oppa, loves your smile. Please smile.’

I wiped my tears with my hands. I knew that my oppa loves to see my angelic smile. He always said that I have the sweetest smile on earth. I tried to smile. But it was a fake smile, just to please my brother.

‘Oppa stop talking please. I will smile. I will smile okay? I just want you to keep quiet and wait for the ambulance to arrive. They will arrive soon!!!’

‘Listen to me.. Please take care of appa and omma when I’m not around. You need to –‘

‘Noo.. I’m not going to listen. I don’t want to listen!! You will be fine! YOU WILL BE FINE!!’ I started yelling because I was scared. I feared to lose my brother.

“I don’t want to take up your responsibility as the eldest. I still need you!! I need you to teach me in my studies, I need you to teach me how to dive, I need you - ’

‘Jae Yung, please listen to me. You are a capable person. Please do not look down on yourself. When I’m not around, please take the responsible as the eldest child. I don’t think I can wait anymore….’

He lifted up his hand that was full with blood and touched my face. But right, after he uttered the last word ‘anymore’, his hand dropped helplessly. He went unconscious after uttering the last word. And………..the word ‘anymore’ became the last word that came out from his mouth.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

‘Your son had bad internal bleeding and he had 6 broken ribs during the terrifying accident. We had tried our best. I’m sorry.’ The doctor said after he came out from the emergency room.

I was hiding myself at the corner, leaning against the wall and started crying non-stop. I started sniffing silently so that both my parents will not know my existence. Without knowing that I was around, my mother uttered hurtful words that ever I hear in my life. I’ve never ever seen her crying so badly in my entire life.

‘Why did You take Ji Sun away?? Why didn’t you take Jae Yung away???’

‘Chagiya, how can you said such a word? Shhh… Jae Yung is around.’

‘It is true! Why must You did you take away my son? He has very bright future. If you want I can give you my daughter. Please give me back my son… Ji Sun a- Ji Sun a-’

Those words were very hurtful. My mother was literally begging on her knees so that God will return my brother life but take me away. When a nurse pushed my brother’s bed out of the surgery room, I saw my mom running towards the bed and started yelling and shouting my brother’s name. She lifted up the white cloth that was covering his face and she passed out immediately. I wanted to go over, but fear had just stopped me from getting nearer to them.

My mom was right. God should take me away but not my brother. I’ve killed my brother. Although I did not kill him by taking a knife and stab on him, but I’ve caused his death indirectly. Why God didn’t take my life but my brother’s life? I’ve no right and no reason to stay in the house anymore. With the 15 years old mentality, I decided to leave the house after my brother’s funeral. I packed everything and sneaked out my house when both my parents are sleeping soundly after a tired day. I wrote a letter and placed it on my study table. I was walking aimlessly. All I knew that I do not want to stay at Gwangju anymore but somewhere faraway. I decided to go to Seoul because of two reasons.

Number 1: I will be far away from Gwangju. I don’t think both my parents will be able to find me. Or maybe I should put it this way; they will not come and find me.

Number 2: I need a new environment of life because I do not want to be haunted by my past forever.

I was walking aimlessly, carrying a big luggage with a bagpack and reached Seoul in the afternoon. Everything was so new to me, the environment, the people, the building and the large city. I do not know what to do, where to go, who I should rely on, how am I going to settle meals or even a place to stay until I met him; by accident. The most irritating person on earth, Key Kim Ki Bum!