24 July 1992 4 am – 24 July 1992 3 pm San Francisco 

25 July 1992 8 pm – 26 July 1992 6 am Seoul 

Their trip to San Francisco was going well. The stewardess praised Kevin every time they saw him. Kris said thanks for their help and service during the long flight. He sat almost 11 hours, Kevin cried several times, fortunately another passengers didn’t seem disturb. Kris apologized and they gave him smile knowingly. Kris walked outside the plane. Kevin was sleeping on his baby carrier. They arrived a day before. It was long way from Seoul, thousands miles. It was 24 July 1992 4 pm San Francisco Local Time.

“You must be really tired my prince. Well, in Seoul now 6 am and July 26^th. We are here in San Francisco at July 24^th 3 pm. It’s your first flight and I must say you did really well. You’re great my boy” He said affectionately. Other passengers who witnessed this warm display smiled to them. After Kris got their belonging, he stopped the taxi and gave the hotel address that he had booked room another day before.

The trip to the hotel, Kris saw the view of San Francisco from side window. Kevin stirred slightly, Kris felt Kevin little move averted his gaze to the infant. Kevin blinked several time and finally open his little eyes to see his father’s face. Kris smiled to Kevin and made him sat in his lap. Kevin saw his father and smiled widely. Kris reached his hand and touched Kevin’s cheek. He didn’t realize his tears falling down from his eyes till Kevin little hand on his face; he wiped the tears immediately with his palm and laughed a little. Kevin giggled. Kevin used Kris’s shoulder and tried to stand.

“My prince wants to see the view outside?” Kevin giggled heard his father’s failed child voice.

“Hupp…” Kris support Kevin by holding his hips and made Kevin faced the side window.

“This is San Francisco my little prince. We will live here from now on. Don’t worry we are going to explore San Francisco and other cities in California as well. You like it?” Kevin didn’t answer, but bounced on Kris legs. He poked the side window when he saw kids ran after kitten.

“Owh…. Kitten… When you reach appropriate age, you will get your own pet if you wish to. Is that, okay?” Kevin giggled happily. Even he didn’t know what Kris talk about.

It seems really short for both of them. Kris thanked the taxi driver and went to the lobby. The receptionist greeted him and he got his key room. The porter helped him carried his luggage and bags he brought. Along the way to his room, other guest hotels passed him and greeted him. They praised Kevin’s handsomeness even he was a baby he had his charm. Black hair, pointy nose, little pink, chubby cheek, and beautiful smiling eyes he inherited from his mother.

Maybe it was jet lag that made Kevin quite difficult to sleep. 8 or 9 pm Kevin usually bed time sleep, but he was still playing with his toys. Kris thanked God that Kevin didn’t lost his appetite. As if he lost appetite, Kevin could it house when he was hungry, Kris laughed with his silly thought. Kris picked Kevin up from the floor and brought him to the balcony. Kevin didn’t like it at first and wine, but after Kris pointed his index fingers to the sky, Kevin smiled.

He liked the night sky because there the stars shine brightly. Kris adjusted Kevin in his hips to make him more comfortable. Kevin pointed some stars that shining brighter than the other. Kevin yawned after about 30 minutes outside. Kris brought him inside and placed him on the center of the bed so he wouldn’t fall if he moved widely. Kevin gripped the baby blue blanket tightly after Kris placed it on him; he also hugged his dragon plushie. Kris smiled slightly, the blanket and dragon plushie that Sehun bought for him as preparation before Kevin was born. Kris kissed Kevin forehead and went to the balcony, he never be the one who fond of the night sky, but after everything that happened simple things became more treasured than he ever remember.

When I just can’t find my way

You are always there for me

When I am out of my way

You are always there for me

Kevin moved widely on his sleep that’s why when they saw the two in the morning if Kevin was sleeping with Kris, they probably laugh heartedly. This morning wasn’t the exception. Kevin head was on Kris’s stomach and his legs on the pillow he used last night. Kris stirred from his sleep because the shine was too bright on his face. He saw the clock it 8 am. He moved carefully to not wake Kevin up. He ordered the breakfast for himself and ran to bathroom. He didn’t spend much time to bath. He grabbed trouser and jeans also black t-shirt.

He unpacked some of his stuff; they would spend 3 days in the hotel before moved to their apartment. Kris needed to check everything was ready.  Kris ped a bag that Chanyeol gave him before he went to the lounge, Chanyeol said this belong to Kevin. Kris just nodded his head when he grabbed the bag. His eyes caught the first thing, a frame in there. He traced his fingers on the photo frame, it was Sehun’s picture. He read the piece of paper under the frame he found first.

We wish you treasure the memories and moments in every picture… (Tiffany and Chanyeol)

Kris reached the photo book with shaky hand. He sat on the edge of the bed. He glanced to Kevin slightly before took deep breathe and opened the photo book. On the space under the photo he read the description about the taken picture.

First checkup…. Doctor said he/she is healthy. Chanyeol-oppa and Tiffany-eonni really excited. Tiffany-eonni can’t hide her embarrass because of Chanyeol-oppa silly behavior.

There he saw Sehun laid on the bed and Chanyeol and Tiffany on left and right the bed side. Chanyeol stuck out his tongue, Sehun smiled and Tiffany made peace sign with his right fingers.

Kris bit hard his lower lips. How many moments he missed because of his stupidity, 8 months and half that he threw away. 8 months and half part of him grew inside his wife’s womb. Every development and progress in Kevin’s early life that he wouldn’t ever watch with his eyes, he let tears streaming down his face. Let out his feeling, Kris closed the photo book. He would watch this other day, he hold the photo book close to his chest. He glanced toward Kevin’s lithe form. He didn’t know how long he watched his baby sleep, the breakfast meal was there in the table, he didn’t touch this. He just want be there to admire the best thing happened in his life.

Kris snapped from his thought when he heard Kevin’s called.

“Ba…ba…”

They said most of baby first word would be mom, eumma, haha, lao ma or simple as mother in many language, but he found himself frozen when heard the first word came from his son.

Kris eyes widened in realization, Kevin’s first word…. Baba….

“Say it once more” Kris said, his eyes shining. His heart burst in excitement.

“Ba…ba…baba”

Kris hugged Kevin and Kevin giggled in his chest.

In my darkest dreams

I hear you call me

You give me the reason to live

“Thank you, Sehun…. Thank you” He whispered.

He looked at Kevin’s beautiful brown orbs.

“Thank you, my little prince. Thank you…. Thanks for being born… Thank you… Thank you”

Kevin just tilted his head a side and gave his father sloppy kiss in the cheek.

29 July 1992

Like a bird in the sky

You set me free

You give me one heart

Like a star in my night

You’ll always be a part of me

          They were moving to their apartment. It’s huge enough for them. Kevin’s crib was sent a day before. All of the furniture that he ordered had come too. Kevin played on the on playing room beside the living room, Kris was on the kitchen. Kris had checked all the spot and assured that all furniture or stuffs wouldn’t hurt an infant like Kevin. Kevin was 8 months; he could stand by holding something to support his legs. Doctor said he would begin to crawl on 9 month, then Kevin would learn to walk. Kris waited patiently every stage and progress of Kevin’s life. They said first step of your child would be amazing experience, for Kris everything involved Kevin was amazing. He took many pictures of Kevin and he didn’t sure that he would stop anytime soon.

Knock… Knock…..

Kris put his mug of coffee on the sink. He checked Kevin first before walked to the front door. Kevin was playing with his stuffed dolls.

“Hello” His eyes observing a young man in front of him. The young man wore clean button-down shirt and a grey slack. He stood slightly shorter than Kris. His raven black hair was cropped short and his face was clean. He had blue eyes.

“Hello” Kris smiled politely.

“Hello, I’m the co-owner of this building and it’s a pleasure to welcome new residents! Nice to meet you! My name’s William McLaden”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. McLaden. I’m Kris Wu” Kris shook his hand.

“It’s house warming gift from the landlord. The cookies made from this bakery is one of the best in San Francisco”

“Thank you. Would you like to come in?” The young man nodded.

Kris opened the door widely and closed the door after his guest step in. They sat on the couch in the living room.

“I would like to offer tea, but I’m worry I don’t finish unpack yet. Would like some coke?”

“Coke is alright” William smiled to Kris. Kris stood and went to the kitchen to grabbed cokes for them.

“Ba…ba…Baba…” Kevin called from the playing room. Kris averted his gaze to the play room.

Kris stood immediately, walked to the play room, he bend down waited patiently for Kevin to reach him. He crawled not much from the place where Kris put him first. …. Kris smiled widely.

“Is there your son?” William asked. He was behind Kris. Kris turned his head and looked up to William, he nodded and back his attention to Kevin.

Finally, Kevin reached Kris arm. Kris gave him hug and made Kevin giggled.

“You made it” Kris said proudly.

Kris brought Kevin up and looked apologetically to William.

William didn’t mind though and praised Kevin. William asked about his wife, but when he saw the change on Kris expression he changed the subject immediately. Kris thanked him silently.

15 September 1992

          Kris was in the important meeting; his head division and vice head couldn’t make it on time because they attended another business deal in New York. The plan that scheduled arrived at 4 am was delayed till unnoticed time. The representative broke the news to them. Kris was the one that came with the design for their new company building project and got the deal with the client. The bad news was the representative of the said client was the CEO of the company itself. He tried his best to explain the design that they offered to the CEO. Kris knew really well how nervous they were. Their head division was one of the best to make deal with the client, the representative was good of course, he was the best that could company find to this urgent situation, but not as good as the head. With him in the meeting would give them reassurance everything was going to be okay. The project was 100% under the head division of design and the representative got the said project this morning. That made all of the team had emotional wrecked for different reason.

“Kris, are you sure we can make it?” Asked one of his co-worker.

Kris maybe if he was the man one year back would snap to him, but he just gave him smile and nodded confidently.

“But what if we messed up? I don’t want to lose my job” His other co-worker sighed.

“Well, let see it as challenge. We won’t mess it up, we will do our best. We have discussed it hours ago. Don’t get yourself in same problem now” Kris said calmly.

They stopped to talk when they arrived in front of the conference room. The representative took place on the seat of the head division and Kris sat beside him. It’s silent and everyone consent on their duty. They didn’t need to wait for too long, the client came 20 minutes after them.

Kris explained the design with confident, he answered the questions calmly. As Wu’s heir this was one of the meeting and business he really knew really well, even back there in South Korea or China he didn’t work as architect, but he got the master in this field. He also got help from his father and his in-law who expert on the field of design and construction.

Kris realized some co-workers didn’t like him because in the short time, he came one of the best architect in their division and they didn’t his background because Kris wanted new environment and got free from his old life.

The CEO and his companions seemed satisfied with the design Kris offered. They would deal with the price and other necessary things in the other day.

“Young man, I must said you’re good enough for your age” The CEO said when the meeting was over. Kris smirked in his mind.

“Thank you, Mr. Smith. I’m new in this field and still need more experience. We will work our best to attain your expectation” Kris bowed. 

The said CEO laughed a bit and bowed. Someone that seemed as the CEO’s secretary whispered something to the man and he smiled. Kris was still standing in front of him; he couldn’t go before the man first.

“Nice to meet you, Kris Wu. We will have another time to talk in the future” The man said and walked to the exit the door. When the said clients were out, they shouted excitedly.

“Wowh…. Kris, you’re great. I must admit it” His co-worker chuckled.

“We are doing it well. I can’t make it without you all” Kris smirked.

The representative congratulated them and said they did good job.

They were on the way to their division and chat casually.

“How about drink after work?”

Kris reached the phone from his pants and finally his phone. His eyes widened when he saw 3 miscalled and messages, all from the baby daycare of his company.

Kris dialed the number immediately.

“Hello, Mrs. Johnson. Sorry I’m on the meeting. Is everything okay? Kevin is fine? What’s going on?” Kris asked worriedly. His co-workers watched him. Kris didn’t wait for the answer and was about to run to the baby daycare when he saw Mrs. Johnson and Kevin exited the lift.

Kris walked fast to them and Kevin giggled happily when he saw his father. Kevin reached his arms to Kris to take. Kris is more than happy to oblige. The older woman watched with amusement.

“He is okay. He was mad when at lunch time you didn’t come to the daycare. He didn’t want to eat his meal, but don’t worry our daycare is the best so it wasn’t big deal Oh and we wait for you to pick Kevin up an hour ago. We called to your division and they said you have important meeting so that’s all.” She smiled to Kris.

Kris smiled sheepishly.

“I’m really sorry, Mrs. Johnson. In the future I’ll try hard it won’t happen anymore. Thank for your help to take care of Kevin. Really thank you” Kris bowed gratefully.

Mrs. Johnson gave Kevin’s bag to Kris. Kris walked her to the lift, Kevin waved happily and Kris smiled widely to her.

“Come on, little prince. Tell me what are you doing today? You have fun? Do you miss your father?” Kevin was on his crook of arm and talked animatedly.

His co-workers and other peoples who watched the scene smiled.

29 September 1992

          Kevin got fever and chill suddenly, and difficult to breath. Kris who really panic brought him to the nearby hospital, Doctor and nurse came and got Kevin. Kris walked back and forth the ICU room. When the doctor exited the room Kris immediately came to his side.

“Doctor, how is he? He is okay, right? What happened to him?”

“Please, calm down. Can we go to my room first, I will tell you about his condition” The doctor said. Kris nodded and followed him.

Kris knew something bad happen, but he didn’t anticipate for this. Kris was really shock when the doctor told him that Kevin got pneumonia. Pneumonia…. Pneumonia…..

“Doctor, he is still too small. He is just 11 months old. Doctor, tell me you’re lying” Kris rubbed his face with both of his hands.

He didn’t hear other sentences that the doctor said to him. He excused himself and walked to the outside. He grabbed his phone and dialed the first person he thinks.

“Chanyeol, Kevin got pneumonia” That was all he could say.

1 November 1992

Kris took days off from his work. He couldn’t bring himself far from Kevin. He got the permission to visit Kevin, but he needed to wear mask, gloves, and other things. Kevin’s fragile form broke his heart. He was small and all the equipment that attach to his body to help him survive. Kris didn’t leave Kevin’s side more than go to loo, eat or bath and it all he did in the hospital. His in law and parents forced him to take rest, but he was too stubborn.

“Kris” He felt a hand in his shoulder. He turned his head to see his mother in law.

“Can we talk outside?” Kris eyed Kevin and her, finally he took deep breathe and followed her outside.

“Eomma, if you just want to tell me to take rest or eat properly, I will say I’m totally fine. You don’t need to worry”

His mother in law shook his head.

“No, Kris. I won’t tell you to do that. I’m a mother, I’ll do anything for my child” Her voice was shaky. Kris looked to her eyes, her eyes were sad and pain, but there he saw patient, love, and another unreadable feeling.

Kris closed his eyes. I’m a mother; I’ll do anything for my child. He used both of his hands to rub his face.

“All I can do is always on his side. I’m the closest person after his mother” Kris’ voice became softer in the end. Kevin’s mother…. Sehun…..

Kris obliged when Sehun’s mother enveloped him in her embrace. Their height difference didn’t matter for both of them. They needed reassurance that everything will be okay…

“He will be okay. He is strong, he has us” She said softly.

          He promised to Sehun’s mother he would take a rest and calm himself down. He realized he didn’t keep his promise, he smiled sadly even just simple promise he couldn’t keep it. The night he didn’t sleep, he watched the photo book that Chanyeol gave to him. 9 months he never experienced, 9 months that he would treasure even he didn’t there.

          Kris opened his drawer and reached a tiny mahogany box. The letter Sehun wrote :

“Through you I live. I have life because of you, and you have life because of me. You are the light in my sorrow, you are the reason I can live. You are the best gift I could ever wish. I shall always love you and I shall never leave you. Even you can’t see me; I’ll be your side. Whatever you do, I will stand by you. Whatever you want, I want too. I shall explore the world through you. I shall see the beautiful of life through you. Remember I love you and don’t forget it. I’ll always by your side. My son, my light, my life”

“He is your reason you live, he becomes my reason as well”

In my darkest dreams

I hear you call me

You give me the reason to live

          Kris was on the way to the hospital. It’s still early, the sunrise were warm. He took his time to clear his mind. He stopped in the flower shop, the lady smiled widely to him. He observed the flowers before him.

“Good morning, you want a bouquet? Flower for your girlfriend or wife?” She asked kindly. Kris almost shook his head, but he nodded afterward.

“For my son and my wife” He said.

“How about red rose for your wife and well for a son maybe chrysanthemum?” He shook his head.

“I want the pure one” He reached the beautiful lily bouquet.

“Make it two” he said. Kris smiled softly while paid for the bouquet.

“She must be really lucky to have you” Kris smiled disappeared and he looked away slightly before gave tiny smile to the lady.

          I was the lucky one, but I ed it up.

          Kris parked his car on parking lot and processed to the hospital room where Kevin was. His parents and in law were on the outside of the room. He ran to them.

          “What did happen?” He asked panic.

          “Don’t worry, he is okay. Doctor is checking him up” His mother smiled to him. Kris didn’t realized he hold his breath.

          Kris took seat in the edge of the bench. He looked to the lilies in his lap.

          I wish I could give it to you, Sehun. I wish……

          He looked up when he felt hand on his shoulder.  

“That’s beautiful” His mother in law said. He didn’t realize his mother in law took seat beside him. He gave her tiny smile.

          “I’m sorry” Kris said whispered.

          “Why do you need to apologize? For what happen to Kevin? It’s not your fault. I’m the one who must say thank you to you. Thank you to give me chance as a grandmother” She said without regret and Kris found himself speechless.

          “Sehun, I….”

          “No, Kris. It’s fate, it’s enough to see you mourn for her. She never blame you, I’m her mother I know it really well. She never blames you, she loves you, she loves you and that’s all you need to believe”

          Because you don’t know mother…. Because you don’t know….

          “We are proud of you. You make great father. Don’t forget this” Kris just nodded slightly, when his mother in law left. He brought the lilies to his face and let tears streaming down his face for a while.

          God, I’m not good human, maybe I never be the one. I was bad husband and I had no chance to change it. But God, please give me chance to be good father.

            Sehun, I promise. I’ll do everything I don’t care what it cost. I’ll protect him, I’ll love him. The reason you give me to live….