I'm going back to the start.

“Luhan hyung, please, don’t go…”

Sehun reached out his arm to grab onto Luhan. He looked at the elder with sad eyes, whispered another, “Don’t go…”

“Why are you doing this to me? What do you want?”

“I’m sorry. I’ve hurt you so much I’m sorry.”

Luhan let out a long sigh. “Sehun, what are you doing? Please stop, Sehun. You’re breaking my heart…”

“I don’t want to do that again, I don’t want to hurt you again. Please, let me remedy all the faults I did…”

Luhan shook his head, the water from the irritating rain mixed with the tears flowing from the windows of his soul. His breathing was hard, he didn’t want to see Sehun’s face anymore, this was too much, this was overdose.

“Sehun, please. Let me go, please. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t know how but I’ll figure out about it, Sehun. Just…let me go.”

It was Sehun who was shaking his head now, the liquid from the sky dripped down from his hair, the umbrella had long been forgotten now, the chilling temperature complemented the freezing in their hearts.

“I don’t want to see you hurt anymore. I’m done. Just take my hand, Luhan. I promise I’ll take you places, I promise you’ll never have to cry anymore.”

“Enough, Sehun.”, Luhan whispered, he could taste the acidic rain water on his tongue, burning, suffocating. “No more of all this. Decide, Sehun, decide who you love. I thought about how love was always the thing that did that – smashed into you, left you raw. The deeper you loved, the deeper it hurt”

Sehun’s hold on Luhan’s hand tightened, “I can’t stay with Zitao hyung while you are suffering, I cannot be happy while looking at you like this. I don’t want to see you like this Luhan.”

The older Chinese had his head hung low, still furiously shaking his head.

“Look at me, Sehun. Look at the person you have broken. Don’t make Zitao be the same broken person for leaving him. Look at me!”

Sehun’s eyes watered, he couldn’t tell anymore whether it was the rain or his tears.

“Look into my eyes, what do you see? A broken person! Broken and cut and shattered and crumpled, ing look at me!”

The taller smiled, “I see a strong person, a strong man. More beautiful than ever, still standing his ground, still tall with his legs made of stone, still walking the paths full of thorns, still holding on with calloused and bruised hand. A person, a beautiful perfect person that I regret I couldn’t came to love earlier, a person that I regret I couldn’t treasure earlier.”

Luhan flinched at the sound of thunder, like sealing Sehun’s words to him.

“Come back home to me, come back to the warmth of our bedsheets like you said, like you told me. Come back to the warmth of your morning omelette, come back to sunshine-like smile. I’ve missed you, I can’t lie anymore, I’ve missed you so much, I can’t pretend that you don’t affect me.”

Sehun let his worries flew out in words, the sound of the rain hitting the silver pavement as their background song.

“I want to look into your eyes, I want to see those sparks again. I want you to take care of me again, I want to feel those warm hugs you gave me everytime I was left alone. I was always the weak one.”

Luhan’s body was all numb now, he felt frozen, like the time stopped, like the seconds froze. Sehun begging on his feet, like everything hee ever dreamed about. There was no other sound than the rain piercing through his senses.

“I know I never actually told you how I felt, I know that I’ve been hiding all of these things. I thought I could find happiness with the person I’ve loved since forever. But I cannot carry on like this, there’s a part of me that is unhappy. I don’t know what it is, it’s just that part wants you to stay with me.”, Sehun.

“Sehun, I—I can’t take it, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fall for you harder than I already do. I don’t want this, Sehun!”

Luhan forced his stone legs and frozen body to run away from Sehun. He couldn’t make it easy for Sehun, he couldn’t let Sehun leave Tao like how he did to him.

The sound of thunder still echoing in his ears, he could still feel the prickling raindrops on his skin, on his hands on his nose, on his head.

We cannot be like this, we weren’t meant to be from the start. Don’t force yourself to love me, don’t lie to yourself. Insane, insane.

I’m being intoxicated in the happiness that shined bright for a moment. I must have been distracted for a moment in the memories’ light. You’re already at the place I can’t reach.

You were fast like lightning. We were so different. Between us, the time difference became the space that will not allow us to be together.

He wiped the tears with the back of his hands.

“I still hate you ‘cause you left me and I just want you to go. My heart burned out so coldly but even so the one I see is you. I am missing you, I am missing you”

■ □ ■ □ ■ □

Sehun stared at Luhan’s figure, disappearing with the sound of thunder.

Is this how it felt to lose someone you hold so closely to your heart?

He chuckled to himself, laughing at his own loss.

Goodbye, Goodbye.

■ □ ■ □ ■ □

Luhan sat under the shelter of a little house, watching a piece of leaf drifting away into the drain.

He gasped when he heard someone fumbled with the window above him.

“Young man, what are you doing there?”

Luhan looked up, an old woman asking him and looking at him with confusion.

“Come inside and we will have warm tea.”

She opened a door not long after, Luhan hesitantly walked to the door.

“But I am really wet, Auntie. Is it alright if I come inside? I will make your house wet”

The old woman laughed timidly, “Don’t worry about my things, young man. We should be more concerned about your health now, right? Just come inside first.”

She gestured him to enter the small traditional Korean house. The old woman already had a warm towel by the time Luhan entered the simple old house.

“I am sorry that I trouble you, Auntie.”

She laughed again, “I’m telling you, don’t worry about this old woman. She has nothing to lose already, everything she had to lose, she already lost it before.”

Luhan smiled and sat himself down after accepting the warm towel from the old woman.

“So what makes our young boy sad?”, she asked Luhan from the kitchen, preparing a tea set, maybe.

“Oh, it was nothing, Auntie.”

“Young man, I have lived more than 60 years, I know when someone is sad, I know when someone is heart-broken. So would you like to share this lonely old lady the story?”

Luhan had his eyes glued on the vase on the small table.

“Just a matter of love, Auntie. I am just confused with my feelings, I am just unsure about how I feel.”

Now the old woman was bringing a tray of tea set for two, her steps were slow but sure. Luhan felt that this woman was more determined than he was, considering how he had a quite clear future than the old woman, but he never felt determined.

He watched as she prepare the small beverage. He remembered when Kai and Sehun talked about preparing tea in that one EXO Showtime episode, he involuntarily smiled remembering how Sehun’s eyes radiated happiness and turned to perfect lines on his face.

“Love, love. I understand, your age is the age of feeling in love and heartbroken and betrayed and hurt.”

“The person I love, they said they want me back and said it was their loss for not treasuring me earlier.”

The old woman smiled, “This young man that you love, he did not love you before?”

Luhan furrowed his eyebrows, “How did you  kn—“

“You didn’t say ‘her’, so I assumed it must be a young boy that you love. It’s alright, dear boy.”

He sighed, the young boy.

“I am not sure whether he loved me before or not, I do not understand his way of thinking, Auntie. Now he said he wants me back, while he already has someone else.”

She finished Luhan’s  cup and offered it to the young Chinese.

“Here, I hope this tea could make you feel better.”

Luhan accepted it with a smile and whispered a slight thank  you.

“I ran away from him, Auntie. Do you think I did the right thing?”

“The one that knows the answer to that is yourself, dear boy. How does your heart feel when you are near him nowadays? I am pretty sure you had a strong attachment towards him, right?”

“My heart…”

“Yes, dear boy. How does your heart go? Do you feel nothing anymore?”

“I cannot feel nothing towards Sehun. I’ve been in love for too long to not feel him, or his warmth or his coldness.”

The old woman was now finished with her own tea, she put away the big pot and smiled at Luhan slightly.

“You still love him, dear boy. But you’re afraid to be hurt again.”

Luhan let out a long sigh, he took a deep breath before sipping on his tea.

“Yes, Auntie. I don’t want to hurt anymore, I’ve been feeling neglected and left alone all my times of loving him, Auntie. I don’t want him to come back to me, but I don’t know. But I want to him to love me like how I’ve always dreamed. This is so complicated, Auntie. I am sorry.”

She smiled and took Luhan’s empty cup away from the young boy.

“Don’t apologize. Why do you apologize? Why are you apologizing for the hurt that you feel?”

Luhan clutched at his jeans, crumpling it.

“What do you suggest, Auntie. I am so confused with my heart right now.”

Suddenly Luhan’s phone rang, the sound of it brought shivers through his being.

Sehun it says.

Hesitantly the red-haired Chinese pressed the answer button.

“H-Hello?”

“Hyung, where are you? It’s raining hard, come on, hyung. I cannot let you out here alone.”

“You just come back, Sehun. It’s cold, you might catch fever, Zitao will not be pleased—“

“Where are you now? I’m going to pick you up and we’ll go home together. I am not going back without you.”

“It’s alright. I’ll be alright.”

“I am not going back without you, you hear? Now tell me where you are I’ll come get you.”

Luhan glanced slightly at the old woman, she smiled and nodded for assurance at the boy.

“Just come back to that place where we talked while ago, we’ll go back together from there.”

“Okay, don’t bail out on me. Because if I seriously get sick, it’ll be your fault!”

“Y-yes, Sehun.”

Luhan hung up and the old woman smiled at her again.

“Go, dear boy. You don’t want to make him wait now, do you?”

“Thank you so much for your hospitality, Auntie. I am sorry to bother you at night.”, Luhan said, standing up.

“Remember, dear boy. Trust your heart, and think about how you feel. It’s alright to be selfish for once.”

Luhan quickly bid her farewell and ran to the place he talked with Sehun earlier, the tall boy was standing there, drenched in the rain, the umbrella was folded in his hand. Luhan swore Sehun seemed like he was glowing, his eyebrows furrowed, his nerves frowned.

“What are you thinking, Luhan? Do you want to get sick?”

He ran to the tall boy’s embrace and hugged him tightly, “I am sorry. Let’s go home.”

Sehun had his arms protectively around the elder, keeping him from collapsing down from the cold.

■ □ ■ □ ■ □

When Chanyeol opened the door, Luhan was no longer conscious.

“What wrong with Luhan hyung?”

“I think he’s too tired and got a terrible fever.”, Sehun replied.

Sehun quickly carried Luhan to his room. Inside he grabbed a dry towel and clean dry house-clothes.

He felt a little awkward changing Luhan’s clothes, but the elder was burning with fever and shivering through his teeth.

He tuck Luhan in the thick blanket, “See, you get fever now. Why don’t you ever listen to me?”

Sehun sighed, he ran his fingers through Luhan’s hair gently. “Just rest now, hyung. I hope you’ll be alright in the morning”

■ □ ■ □ ■ □

"...Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I'll set you apart...

...Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are...

...Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start..."

Another chapter for uri lovely readers. Gosh, EXO on IG will be the death of me, guys. Do you feel me?

And this chapter is inspired by THUNDER

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