Days and weeks and months have passed and Tao has been living in distress.

What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Where did I go wrong?

“Tao”

The blonde turned to look at the voice calling to him.

“Joonmyeon hyung”

“Tao, what’s… Do you still hate me?”

Tao smiled a little, “I never hated you, hyung. I know what you did—you only wanted what’s best for us right? But we were just too stupid to realize it, it was never your fault.”

“I am truly sorry, Tao. I should have known better.”

Tao turned and held Suho’s shoulder. “Hyung, you are a very great leader. You tried to come up with a plan when none of us cared about what’s going on. It doesn’t matter whether it worked or not but you still tried to save us from our monster where you have your own to deal with. You are amazing, hyung. Please don’t blame yourself over this matter, no matter what anyone said…”

“Zitao, I… I’ll help you with this I don’t want you to be alone, I don’t want to see you alone…”

The younger smiled again, “It’s alright, hyung. You don’t need to do anything anymore for me, for us. We’ll solve our own problems…”

With that the younger turned around and left Suho gaping at his strength, or his fake strength.

-----

Luhan walked along the Han River, the place he cherished the most. He wanted to cry, he wanted to cry so much it hurt him till the core.

“I want to die!”, he yelled.

“Please take me away! The pain is too much! The pain is…”, his voice failed him in the most sickening way possible.

He clutched at his shirt, pulling it crazily like it was a metal cage sticking to his skin.

Why does it hurt so much?

“Don’t I deserve to be happy too?! Like Baekhyun, like Kyungsoo, like…”

He dragged his heavy feet through the rain, it was getting harder to breathe, no one was there to help him. No one was there to tell him he would be alright.

“What’s so wrong about me? Do the people lie when they say I’m beautiful?”

Ugly, ugly. Nobody likes you, the fans are all faking, they don’t even know you, Luhan.

The voices in his head yelled so hard in the silence of the dark night.

Nobody wants to love me. I’m not worth it, I’m not good enough for anyone.

The sound of sudden thunder made his hands shake, his breathing ragged and he wasn’t even running. He had grown tired of crying, of hurting. He wanted to go to a place, to a happy place.

He imagined a beautiful waterfall on the mountain, with a little cabin made out of mahogany, the smell of flowers lingering through his senses. His parents would be there smiling at him, being proud of what he had become. He would be free from the suffocating life of being chased wherever he goes. He would have pretty animals greeting him at the edge of the forest every evening.

Luhan smiled as he felt drops of rain falling on the skin of his face, he let his tears flow with the stream of the crying sky.

Let me melt with you, rain. I want to be taken away, I want to be happy forever.

“Hyung.”

The sound of Sehun’s voice reverberates through his shaking being.

Being delusional again, when will all this stop?

He failed to make the sounds of footsteps approaching him, when suddenly he stopped feeling the drops of wetness soaking his body.

“I told you to bring umbrella, didn’t I?”

“Sehun? What are you doing out?”

The pale taller boy gave the umbrella to Luhan’s shaking right hand, he hesitantly accepted it. When their fingers brushed Luhan felt like a 16 year old on his first love.

“I’m bored inside, nothing fun about.”

“So you decided to come out and go all the way in the rain?”

“Yes, I did. Lucky I found you.”

Luhan resisted the urge to smile, because the last time he thought Sehun could be back to him, his hopes turned into ashes in the fireplace.

“What were you thinking at this hour, hyung?”

Luhan sighed, “You know what I’m always thinking about Sehun.”

“I’m tired, hyung. I just want to be free, from Tao”

“Why do you want to be free from Tao? He’s an amazing person, I thought he was going to hate Suho and me and Kris for what happened, but he didn’t”

“I love him, hyung. I really do. But I want him to be happy, with someone. I never seen him happy, hyung. I want him to be happy.”

“Do you want him to be happy, or do you want to be happy, Sehun?”

“I want both, I guess. I want everyone to be happy, I want to think the way that he does. He may seemed selfish at times but there isn’t one night passing by without him thinking how you are doing, Luhan hyung. Everytime he talks to me about you… I—I just want to cry, his words were so…”

Luhan stared at Sehun’s red face while the younger tried to form a sentence to vent out to his wise and mature hyung.

“He told me that, his happiness doesn’t matter anymore. He only wants to see all of us happy, he said if I’m not happy with him he’d let me go. I was—I was the selfish one, I was the blind one, I was…”

Luhan hushed Sehun gently, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually touch Sehun, he was afraid it would bring back all the pain. “Sehun, do not blame yourself, it was all, our fault, my fault, your fault, Tao’s fault, Kris’ fault, Suho’s fault, Yixing’s fault. We were all in this sick plan together. Don’t take all the blame to you, Sehun, it would hurt you more than necessary”

“How do you feel about me now, hyung?”

Luhan gasped, “E-Excuse me?”

“How do you feel about me? Everytime you look at me what flashes through your mind? What feeling you get in  your chest? I know you loved me so much, hyung. But how about now? How do you feel about me now?”

“Why are you asking me this?”, Luhan turned his back towards Sehun, looking down to the water passing through his heavy shoes.

“I just want to know, I guess. Tao wants you to be happy too, I want you to be happy too.”

“Aren’t you mad at me anymore?”

“No, that was just temporary emotion…”

“How many temporary emotions do you feel towards me, Sehun?”

“You haven’t answered my question, why are you asking me back now?”

The Chinese boy sighed, he gathered his frozen thoughts and feelings, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to tell Sehun how he felt, but there was no turning back now, he couldn’t run away even if he wanted to.

“I used to mean it when I said I want you in the ways that matter, like bedsheets and summer nights, like Christmas and like rain on sunny days, like words which haven’t been said and books that nobody has thought of yet. I still loved you like a fire, like a hurricane, like a famine, like a disaster in your wake. And then I thought about stars shining silver across the black of my mind, the insides of my eyelids painted white underneath, your hands on mine and my bones holding yours, your words in my mouth like cold metal and sharp edges inside my skin…”

The small red-haired boy turned around and looked his other self right in the eye, he and Sehun were so similar, they look alike, they move alike, they used to think alike, they were alike. He used to see himself in Sehun and so did Sehun.

He never wanted anything to change, he never wanted Sehun to be so different from him. But now he looked at Sehun and he didn’t see himself in the younger boy, it was sickening and all he wanted to do was to breakdown and cry, to burst to flames right in front of the man he really loved with all the ticking in his clock.

“When you left, I never thought I would recover from the damage that you did, and I still can’t… Maybe one day I’ll manage, but I don’t know when that particular day would happen. I want to hold you, Sehun. I want to hold you in my arms, I want to protect you from anything bad in this world, I want to teach you my version of good and bad, I want to keep you for myself but you are not mine to keep. Even…”

Luhan sobbed, his breath choked him and how he had wished he could die that instant and maybe Sehun would be happy without him, and he wouldn’t feel so burdened by his existence.

“Even until this second, I still want to know why. Why did you do all those things to me, Sehun? Why? Why did you told me you loved me? If you really did, why did you go away, Sehun? Why does it hurt so bad? Why can’t I forget you? Why do I still love you? Why are you here right now? Why are you asking me all these questions? Why are you not saying anything? Why… Why… Why… Sehun… Why?”

Sehun’s breath was shaking, his heart froze from the coldness of the weather and how much he wanted to comfort the elder boy.

“Luhan hyung, I—“

“Why is it raining? And why are you shielding me from this rain? Why are you complaining to me about your lover? Why are you telling me that you love him so much? What do you want from me, Oh Sehun? Can’t you see I’m dying? I’ve been dying because of you, you, you, you!”

Luhan was crying now, it was barely audible through the dripping of the rain surrounding them but Sehun could hear them clearly, how the smaller boy was out of breath, he was trying to find air to breath between all the waters from the rain and his tears. But who was Sehun to give this beautiful prince air to breathe? He was no God nor Angel, he could not safe Luhan.

“Hyung, don’t cry. It’s no use of crying, I…”

“I wish you could have stayed, held me so close that your scars looked like mine by the time you let go.”

“I’m not going anywhere, hyung. I am always near you, close to you.”

Luhan narrowed his eyes, “But you’re not with me, Sehun. You’re with somebody else that you love. I just want solutions to either, I stop loving you or you start loving me.”

Sehun dropped the umbrella and felt the wetness of nature on his sweating cold skin. He broke out of his shell and reached out for Luhan, he grabbed the elder’s body to feel his warmth next to his own, he was selfish he knows, he had Tao waiting on their warm comfortable bed in their room but he didn’t want to let Luhan go like this.

“I don’t want to see you suffer, I don’t want to be the reason you starve yourself, the reason you freeze yourself like this, the reason you could be sick for our stupid rehearsals. No, hyung. I want you to be happy, even if I’m not next to you I want to see you smile. I want you to be grateful for staying alive, I want you to live, hyung. Please live, for me.”

Luhan’s breath hitched, “Why would I do anything for you, if you never done anything for me, Oh Sehun? I have suffered for many moons because of you, I’m not even sure you could be my cure anymore. You are not pills in a bottle, and you cannot fix me because I am not a faulty VCR. I am not a certificate of achievement or a medical miracle to add to your files and talk about to everybody you know.”

He struggled from Sehun’s warm embrace and felt the comfortable leaving his shivering bones as their body no longer touched, but Luhan thought he knew better.

Luhan turned away from Sehun, “Go home, Sehun. Someone’s waiting for you.”

The small boy could hear his own shoes squeaking with the wet silver pavement, marking his path away from the love of his life, maybe.

so actually guys I was thinking to end this fic because I have two new others but I think I haven't said much about Luhan and dayum that gorgeous kid needs some attention as well so oh well, ENDING POSTPONED, again. lol.

EXO COMEBACK KAILU  TEASER AND TAOHUN AND I'M NOT READY ARE YOU--????

This is a slightly shorter chapter for my lovelovess who's been together with me throughout this whole fic and still wondering why is this freaking author not said anything about babydeer yet

special hunhan because hunhan angels in the teaser i couldn't control, they looked so good ASDFGHJKL

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