Sehun knew that he was never Tao’s first pick, the elder would always go to Kris. He knew that Tao has a spoiled personality, that he would always want someone to baby him, and he could never be that person to Tao. Kris is… well Kris is mature, strong, big, protective and smart unlike him.

He glanced at Tao who was laughing and slapping Kris at their recording studio. EXO-M just finished recording their Chinese version of ‘Let Out The Beast’, and Sehun knew that Tao and Kris must be bickering about their rapping mistakes. Sometimes the maknae would clutch in the corner and weeped, he hated himself a lot, he hated his lisp so that he cannot talk properly, so Tao couldn’t understand him clearly, he hated his lacking ability of singing and rapping so he could never talk about work with Tao, why he wasn’t as perfect as Kris, why he wasn’t older, why was he the youngest one, he talked about it to Lay before and the Chinese dancer just said, “Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self. You’re perfect the way you are, Sehun. Why would you want to be anyone else?”

Sehun was shook out of his thought by a familiar beep of his phone.

From : Naega Saranghaneun^*)

Smile, please. So I can always be reminded why I love you at the first place. Don’t be jealous, you know how I feel about you.

Sehun smiled and looked at Tao, he saw the redhead waved his phone and smiled at him, and Sehun quickly mouthed a ‘Saranghae’ to Tao.

“Sehun?”

“What?”

“What happened? You just randomly smiled like an idiot.”

“Are you coming to bully me, you dickwad?”

Kai laughed slightly, “Why are you so angry at your beloved best friend?”

“My beloved best friend isn’t suppose to bully me and ruin my romantic moment.”

Kai gasped, “Oh dear God, what romantic moment?!”

Sehun sushed and slapped Kai, “Shut up! Or everyone would hear!”

“Who is it? Who is it? Is it Luhan-hyung? But Luhan-hyung isn’t holding his phone…”, Kai tapped his chin. “Chanyeol-hyung…no, Manager-nim…no freaking way, Kyungie…no way he’s mine… IS IT SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE MEMBERS? IS IT A GIRL?”

“Jongidiot, shut up! You’re so annoying!”

“Oh my God, it’s a girl! Is it Daeun?! You’re awfully close with her lately.”

“JONGIIIIIIIN! SHUT YOUR TRAP OR I’LL SHOVE MY SOCKS IN IT!”

“IT’S DAEUN, GOD DAMN IT!! PEOPLE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS!”

Kai stood up and started moving weirdly catching everyone’s attention.

“Kai, stop being weird.”, Chen snickered.

“But Hyungs, you all need to hear. Sehun is in a relationship with Daeun!”

“WHAT?!”, Tao, Luhan, Yixing and Suho snapped at the same time.

“I know right, Hyungs! And I thought he was 99.9% gay!”

Baekhyun kicked Kai’s ankle, “Seriously, Jongin?”. And he turned to Sehun, “Sehunnie, is it true?”

Sehun gasped, “NO!”

Baekhyun smirked and he quickly grabbed Sehun’s phone from his hold.

“From Naega Saranghaneun ^*)”, Baekhyun paused and the rest of the members gasped and ‘ooh’-ed. “Smile, please. So I can always be reminded why I love you at the first place. Don’t be jealous, you know how I feel about you.”, Baekhyun held back his laughter, the other members clapped, whistled, and some (Tao) even laughed.

“Hyung, give it back!”

“Oppa, oppa~ Sehun oppa~”

“BAEKHYUN HYUNG!”, Sehun stood up, grabbed his phone and stormed out of the studio.

“Wow, Baek. I think we’re really far this time, he’s really angry.”, Chanyeol commented.

Baekhyun scoffed, “Leave him be. It’s about time he stops being all gloomy, it’s giving bad atmosphere to us.”

“Wow, Baekhyun, that was mean. I mean, he’s not the only one gloomy and here.”

Luhan gulped his drink, emptied it and stood up. “I-I’m sorry if I bring bad atmosphere to you.”

-----

Luhan found Sehun sitting on the couch at the Longue room of SM building, the young boy looked like he was reminiscing something. Luhan knew more than anyone that the couch was where he and Tao first talked.

“I don’t know. If being in love only made people more lonely, why would everyone want it so much?”

Luhan heard the younger whispered to himself, so he sat beside him, patting the rainbow-haired boy back continuously, he sighed then answered,
“Because of the illusion. You fall in love, it’s intoxicating, and for a little while you feel like you’ve actually become one with the other person. Merged souls, and so on. You think you’ll never be lonely again. Only it doesn’t last and soon you realize you can only get so close, and you end up brutally disappointed, more alone than ever, because the illusion-the hope you’d held on to all those years-has been shattered.”

Sehun sobbed a little and hugged Luhan, “Sometimes, Hyung. I wonder, when am I going to fall in love with someone who is able to fall in love with me, wholly.”

“I do too, Sehun-ah. I do too.”, the elder snuggled closer to Sehun’s chest, his tears wetting a bit of Sehun’s shirt.

“I’m sorry, hyung.”

“I am too, Sehun. I am too.”

------

Lay grinned evilly as he pulled Sehun out of the dining room and locked them both in his room.

“Yixing hyung! What are you doing?!”, Sehun half whispered.

Lay pushed Sehun to the chair and took his own chair, “So, Sehun, spill. How come I don’t know about Daeun and you?”

Sehun whined, “There’s no me and Daeun, hyung. Me and her are just friends.”

“Really?”, Lay lifted one eyebrow. “Then who was messaging you?”

“It was nobody.”

The elder laughed, “Nobody? You named this nobody as Naega Saranghaneun^*) in your contact list. You have an amazing sense of humor, Oh Sehun.”

“How are you even this evil?”

“I’m not evil!”, Lay pouted. “I just want to know, I’m really curious! I promise I won’t tell anyone! Not even Joonmyeon!”

“Hyung, I’m not telling you anything.”

“Aw, come on, Sehunnie. I’ll buy you unlimited amounts of Lays chips.”

Sehun rolled his eyes, “Not tempting and I bet you’d be using Joonmyeon hyung’s money.”

“Please, please, Sehun. I-I’ll do anything! I’ll even be your slave for a week! I’ll do all your chores!”

Sehun’s eyes lit up and he smirked, “Really?”

“Really, really!”

“Make it six months and I’ll tell you.”

“What?!”, Lay then sushed himself. “No way~”

“Okay, then I won’t tell you anything, and I’ll tell Joonmyeon hyung you were trying to me.”

Lay sighed, “I don’t want to do your works for six months but I really want to know.”

“Curiousity brings you no good, doesn’t it, hyung?”

“Okay!”, Lay inhaled deeply and held his chest. “I’ll do your work for half a year! Deal!”

“Really now? You would do that just for my secret?”

“Yes! Or else I won’t be able to sleep tonight and Joonie would punish me, no! I’m done with his punishments…”, Lay trailed off. “I’ll even sign a contract for it!”

“Nah, don’t need any contract. Okay….”, Sehun slapped his face twice, this is the first time he’s telling anyone about his secret relationship with Tao, but he trusted the Chinese dancer plus Lay also promised to do his chores for six months, who wouldn’t want that?

“I…”, Sehun started. “I’m in a secret relationship with Tao hyung…”

Lay’s eyes widened twice the size, “WHAT?!”

Sehun sighed in reply.

“Oh Sehun, you gotta be kidding me right?”

“No, I’m telling the truth, hyung. That’s why this secret comes with big responsibility. I’m sorry I have to tell you this, hyung.”

“Sehun… Do you realize what you’re doing? Do you realize that you could bring EXO down? What if Yifan finds out, you’ll be dead! There’ll be huge fight and SM won’t be so easy on you people.”

“SM cannot control my heart, hyung! I know this, EXO, is my dream, being an idol is my dream, I have trained for freaking years and I’m not going to throw it away. But my heart is still alive, I still want to love normally like other guys out there.”

“You know, I was hoping to hear something like you’re in a relationship with Victoria-ssi or something…”

“Hyung, you know I only had one girlfriend in my life, and that was in Kindie, the female I would marry is only Miranda Kerr sunbaenim.”

“Sehun”, Lay glared at Sehun for being ridiculous at such a sad time.

“I know how to forget someone, I know when to move on, I know when I have to start loving someone new. But ‘I know’ is different from ‘I can’, hyung.”

Lay hugged the younger, comforting him with rubs of arms and warmth of friendly embrace.

“Sehun… I don’t know what to say.”

“It’s hard for me, hyung! You do understand too, right? How you loved Joonmyeon hyung before, but he would just ignore you, how you would help him, how you would comfort him from all the bullies, and sometimes when he’s broke because he had to pay for us. But he would just ditched you didn’t he? Still trying to get attention from Kyungsoo hyung who is clearly madly in love with Jongin.”

“I do understand, Sehun. But—“

“But it was different for you, but then he realized that he could never have Kyungsoo hyung and he started to love you. But what about me? I love Tao hyung with my everything, but he can’t leave Kris, because they both love each other, what about me? I’m just a nothing to him. All these illusions are what keep me alive, hyung. If he can pretend to love me just at night, who am I to say no to him? It feels so real to me because I do believe that he used to love me just as much. I’m just a fool who’s willing to wait for him. I don’t want to lose him, hyung”

Lay shook Sehun’s shoulder gently and stared into Sehun’s, “Sehun, dear. Listen, you think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn’t want you anymore that he is right — that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are a trash. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong’. Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that. Did you ever see the way clouds love a mountain, Sehun?”

Sehun shook his head slowly, tears running down his cheeks like a waterfall from Lay’s words.

“They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, because the clouds let him; they don’t wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him.”

The elder caressed Sehun’s hair slowly, wiping away strands of hair that decided to get out of place.

“You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, Sehun. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”

“Hyung, I…”

“Look what you’re doing, Sehun. Do you have enough rest? I bet you don’t. Because you said that he can only love you at night, that means you’re always leaving with him at night, right?”. Sehun gasped. “Don’t worry, I’ll never tell anyone. You need your rest Sehun, when he’s asleep you cannot sleep because you’re being insecure about everything, right? I understand, Sehun. It hurts, I understand. So maybe you could just try being stronger, because right now maybe it’s hard but you should try, don’t fall for his words, don’t fall for his smiles. Like what I said before, you don’t want to love someone who would break apart when you left right? So you shouldn’t break apart now that he’s leaving. He’s left you a long time ago, Sehun. All of this isn’t real…”

Sehun hid his face with his arms, “In my memory, it doesn’t end. We just stay there, looking at each other, forever.”

“Then you should end it. If you end it, then in your memory, it will end.”

Sehun lifted his head, “Hyung, you’re my best man, you get that?”

“Talk to him, Sehun. End it, so you can end your sufferings, if you keep going on like this, you’re hurting everyone. Even Tao himself must be confused, I hope he already talked about it to someone.”, Lay massaged his temple, headache was eating him from all the members’ love life problem, and he hadn’t even count his own.

“Thank you so much, Yixing hyung.”

“God, Joonie will be so mad if he knew about this, and he would run that ridiculous plan of his.”

“But you ain’t gonna tell him, right hyung?”

Lay smiled at the maknae, “No, I love my beautiful dongsaeng and I won’t tell on him.”, he said as he unlocked the door, motioned Sehun to come with me and continue having dinner.

“By the way, for all the philosophies, you just have to do my chores for four months. Aren’t I a good dongsaeng now?”, Sehun grinned, wiping his face and fixing his hair.

“Oh Sehun, I take that back! I hate you!”

-----

“Hunhun~”, Tao whispered to Sehun when the maknae exit the washroom from brushing teeth.

“Hyung, what are you doing?”

“You brushed your teeth already? And changed to your pajamas?”, Tao eyed Sehun from head to toe. “But tonight I’m taking you to the place I promised you, Sehun.”

Sehun kept his face flat and expressionless, “No, hyung.”

“What?”

“I said, no. I don’t want to go.”

“What do you mean you don’t want to go?”

“I mean I don’t want to go. Hyung, it’s over, we’re over. I can’t take all the pressures anymore.”

“Sehun—“

“What am I to you hyung?”

“Sehun, I—“

“Answer me!”

Sehun had his eyebrows furrowed, focusing on Tao’s eyes, “I’m just nothing, aren’t I? Tell me how you really feel about me.”

“Sehun, I’m sorry. I love you a lot—“

“But I’ll never be your one and only, right? Because you love Kris hyung more than me.”

Tao pulled Sehun harshly into a hug, “Let me show you how I feel about you, please. Just let me take you there. If I can’t make you feel better then you can end it. Please, I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me, I’m such a ty person, but just let me take you, just this last time.”

“Alright, this is the last time.”

*) Naega saranghaneun = my love

Another update. I know I promised to update frequently on my holiday but I was having a bad writer-block it really yeah, bad.

Taoris shippers, don't unsubscribe, because the ending pairing is still unknown~

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Babhay~

21bangsfangirl