[July 2011]

I always convinced myself that this’s all a dream, a nightmare to be exact but it hurt me more when I went to Soyu’s house. Her parents welcomed me, as they always did but Soyu’s absence made that house and even the compound seemed gloomy.

It’s like the sunshine’s gone.

But when I saw this old dog walked sluggishly towards my feet, I immediately thought of bringing it with me. Andy needed her owner, she must’ve been feeling alone without Soyu. And seeing this dog somehow gave me Soyu’s aura and lovely old memories and I’d love to keep that close with me.

Shifting my gaze to the road not that far from my house, suddenly I felt sad. I was so close, so close but the hope just poofed away in a blink of an eye. Soyu, I just hoped that she won’t be blinded by that man’s wealth but no, I knew that lady very well. She didn’t care about money.

My thoughts were shrugged off when Andy in my laps suddenly barked. It must’ve craving for attention and so, I patted her head playfully. Wow, she grew so much while I was gone.

**/**

It felt horrible, definitely horrible. The truth was I wanted to cry my heart out at that moment but I tried to hold it in, not wanting to shed any tears in front of him. When I stepped into the car, that's when I knew that my only chance of seeing Hyungsik Oppa had vanished just like that and I didn't know when I could see him again. Plus, my father's scolding made me felt worse.

The car was quiet but the sound of the engine. That's good because I didn't have the feels to hear him blabber. Fixing my gaze to outside the windows, I stared closely at the beautiful view right before my eyes. It's getting dark, the sky's turning red but then, I realized something. This road, we're getting near towards the Park's house.

Maybe looking at Hyungsik Oppa's house would make me feel better but then, my stomach started to hurt when I saw a very familiar figure at the front door of the small house as the car moved slowly away. It was quick but I could see clearly his face, his gentle face. He didn’t change much and he was caressing a dog on his laps. Andy, that's what I was sure of.

If I were to do what my heart told me to, I would ask him to stop this car right now so that I could go to Hyungsik Oppa but no, I didn't want to ask anything from him anymore after all that happened earlier. Almost five years, that's not a short period of time and I would definitely want to pat Hyungsik Oppa's cheeks now and ask how he was doing for these past years. He's sick, I knew but was he getting better?

He's so close but so far away, and nothing felt worse than catching the glimpse of him without the power to do anything to get closer and touch him.

He didn't look or speak to me that night. Even if he did, I wouldn't respond to him anyway but it did make me felt bad just for a bit. My father scolded him because of me and that word 'kid', I really hated it when he referred to me as a kid. Well, if I were a tot, then why'd he had to marry me off?