It’s not pretty in my head, I thought to myself.  Especially with these new thoughts swimming around in there.  Maybe this is just a really bad dream.  I’m sleeping and I’m dreaming.  This is a bad dream.  Now it’s time to wake up.

          Somebody needs to wake me up.

          I sighed when I felt him tug on my shirt to turn me around.  Facing him was the last thing I wanted to do at that moment.  He was wrong.  He couldn’t make this better, but I could.  He hooked his fingers into the waistband of my pajama bottoms, his hands resting at my hips.

          “Once Block b gets more famous, he’ll be able to find someone better anyway.”

          I kept my eyes on his wrist watch as I sorted the words in my head.  He can’t find that someone better if he’s stuck here with me and my stupid .

          “Maybe…we should break up.”  My voice sounded funny in my ears.  Those words left a bad taste in my mouth.

          He laughed, an uncomfortable and forced laugh.  “What?”

          “You heard me.”  Don’t meet his eyes.

          “That’s what’s been on your mind?”

          “Yes.”  Good.  Keep answering automatically.

          “You want to break up with me,” he stated.  I couldn’t get a true read on his voice.  His hands dropped off my waist.

          “Yes.” 

          “Over this photo thing or…is it…?”

          Think fast.  Should have planned better.  Don’t blow this.  Hurry and…  “I just think I was wrong about being able to handle this…whole girlfriend of an idol thing.  I guess I’m just not good enough.  You’ll find someone better.”  I hoped I nailed the whole ‘casual, do what you want’ tone in my voice.

          When really, inside, I wanted to throw up and cry at the same time.

          He was silent for an eternity.  Or a minute.  Whichever.

          “Ok,” he finally said.  My eyes voided the message my brain sent to them telling them to stay focused on his watch.  My crappy brown eyes met his gorgeous ones.  Everything was blank.  Empty.

          “Ok,” I repeated trying not to make it sound like a desperate question.

          He nodded once.  “Ok, but just one thing, though?” 

          And then he grabbed me by my shoulders and slammed his mouth onto mine.  He’d never kissed me like that before.  I’d never felt anything like that before.  Nothing like that emotion before.  It was like he was clinging to me the way I’d always felt like for him.  He pulled away and my hand shot up to my mouth.  Foolishly trying to hold onto the feeling.

          “You have to say what you said again, but you have to look me in the eye,” he demanded.

          I could barely remember my own name at that moment.  I swallowed hard and fixed my sight on his pupils.

          “I want to break up,” I choked out.

          “You’re holding on pretty tight to the person you’re trying to let go,” he scoffed.  Confused, I blinked as my eyes traveled down his body to his sides.  I had fistfuls of his tee shirt locked in a death grip.  I forced my fingers to flex, releasing his shirt from my grasp.

          “When you find that someone better, you’ll forget all about all of this,” I told him stubbornly.  I side stepped, ready to leave, when his arm shot out and his palm slammed against the wall.  I looked to the other side only to find myself caged in between his arms.

          “What someone better?  Why do you keep saying that?” he shouted.  “Where is all this coming from?  Stop lying to me.  I know you don’t want to break up with me.  I mean more to you than this just like you mean the world to me.”  I finally got a read on his voice.  He was hurt.  Really hurt.

          I should have known better than to try something stupid like this.  He can see through me without even trying.  “Once Block b gets more famous, he’ll be able to find someone better anyway,” I said.

          Just then a man walked by.  He looked like an exhausted business man.  What was it, two in the morning?  Who the hell is still working now?

          Yu Kwon tilted my face up, eyes burning into mine.  “Let’s go up to the dorm to talk, ok?” he said after a moment.  Not waiting for an answer from me, he grabbed my hand and hurried us to the elevators.

          The dorm was dark and silent when we entered.  I assumed the guys who were going to sneak out had already done so.  The other members would be asleep by now.  I could hear the soft music playing from his laptop as we approached his bedroom door.

          “Who said that to you?” Yu Kwon asked once we’d gone into his room and he’d shut the door.  “That stuff about finding someone better.  Who said that?”

          And everything just shattered.  I could practically hear it all collapsing around me.  I sighed heavily.  He sat on his bed and I began to pace.

          “Some girl,” I blurted out, exasperatedly.  “One of your nutty fan girls who hang around outside this building.  When the other girls and I were sneaking in that first night, there were these girls just standing there and I heard them talking.  One knew someone who knew someone who knew someone whose sister’s third cousin’s best friend twice removed or whoever knows someone who went to school with us and that person says they heard about you having a girlfriend before you debuted and the girl talking said it doesn’t matter who his girlfriend is if he really has one because once Block b gets more famous, he’ll be able to find someone better anyway,” I spit out in one breath.

          “And that’s what’s been bothering you,” he said quietly.  “Really.”

          I paused my pacing for a second only to pick it up again.  “Well, it kind of mushroomed into something bigger in my head and then that whole photo thing came out and then what you said on the interview and…” I stopped to in a deep breath.  “I just thought…”  I shrugged, flailing my arms out and letting them hit my sides.  “Actually, I have no idea what I was thinking.  Maybe that you would just give up and let me go.  It would be easier.”

          He smirked and leaned back on his elbows on his bed.  “Short of you falling out of love with me, for real not over some fan’s dumb ramblings, I’ll never give you up.”

          That got me to stop pacing.  I walked over and flopped down on his bed.

          “I just wanted…what the?  Why do you have Do it Like a Dude on your playlist?” I asked, listening to the song coming out of his speakers.

          He laughed.  “It’s a radio station from LA that streams live.  I just let it play on my computer.  It’s not my playlist.  Why?”

          “Oh, no reason.  I just can’t believe that song has been popular for so long,” I mumbled.  I shook my head to focus my thoughts.  I sighed.  “I’m sorry I got all…crazy on you.  It’s just, what she said and then what you told me before your debut, it just all kept playing over and over in my head.  I couldn’t get it to stop.”

          “What I told you?” he questioned.

          I twisted a piece of his blanket around my finger.  “The whole thing about your sunbaes telling you that you might feel different and act different and people will see you differently after you become a hot shot idol.  Everything you said and did after that made me think of what you told me.  It was making me crazy,” I confessed.

          “All that stuff, that was just me trying to get you to sleep with me.  I was being charming,” he replied.

          I whipped around and sat on my legs, staring at him.

          “What?!”

          “Just kidding.  Sorry.”

          I growled and punched him in the arm.

          “Ow! I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!  I was trying to lighten the mood,” he whined.

          “Lighten this!”  I punched him again.

          “Ow, stop, I’m sorry,” he laughed.  I crossed my arms over my chest as he sat up and faced me.  “Listen, Beki.  I’m sorry what I said got to you so much.  I was just telling you what I heard.  What I was preparing myself for.  I didn’t mean for it to be anything about you.  And you should have told me you heard those girls talking outside the building.  You shouldn’t have kept it bottled up so that it could eat at you like that.  I’m sorry.”  He reached out and held one of my hands.  “Promise me that the next time something like this bothers you, you’ll tell me right away, so I can squash it.”  He rubbed his thumb over my knuckles.  “Promise me now.”

          “Ok, I promise,” I whispered.

          “And please don’t let any other craziness that pops up on the internet get under your skin like that.  I’m sorry I don’t know how to explain that photo, baby, but just know when we finally figure out the story about it, you’ll see it means nothing.  There’s no one else.  There never has been and there never will be.  No one is better for me than you.  I don’t care how famous I get.”

          I didn’t fight the smile.  “Ok.”

          “Good,” he said around a yawn.  “So we’re cool, right?”  He crawled over to the head of his bed and stretched out, shoving his hands under his pillow.

          “Yeah, we’re cool,” I assured him.

          “Then why are you still all the way over there?” he groaned, stretching an arm out and wiggling his fingers.  I was a good foot away from his reach.

          I giggled and let him stretch for me a moment longer before laying down and curling next to him, my back flat against his chest.  His legs intertwined with mine.  I lay there perfectly content for a moment.

          “Yu Kwon, I don’t think I’ll ever fall out of love with you,” I sighed.

          He didn’t say anything.  He didn’t even stir.  I used an arm to flatten his against my stomach.  Glancing back, I saw he was sound asleep.

          The next morning, I woke up early so I could sneak back home.  I would have left earlier, but Yu Kwon was all about making up for falling asleep last night.  He makes a quite convincing argument when he tries.  Plus, it’s not like I could ever resist his smile.

          I ran to the subway station near his dorm.  It was a little after nine.  Thankfully, my parents like to sleep in a little on the weekends.  I could still sneak back in without them noticing.  Or I could at least make up some lie about where I went early this morning.  A stroll?  To the mall?  I hoped I didn’t smell too much like Yu Kwon.

          Waiting impatiently on the platform for the train to arrive, I noticed a girl standing not far from me.  She looked familiar.  I think.  I didn’t know really.  She caught me watching her.  Her eyes widened like she hadn’t thought she’d see me here of all places.

          I tried not to stare, but she was staring at me.  Finally, she approached me slowly.

          “You don’t recognize me, do you?” she asked coolly, stopping right in front of me.  I smiled uncomfortably at her glare.

          “Sorry, not really.  You look familiar though,” I answered.  Then I noticed her hand on her hip.  She had this gaudy pink ring on one of her fingers.  “Holy crap!  You’re the chick I popped in the face at the soccer game!”

         She snarled slightly and rolled her eyes at me.  When her eyes set back on me, she smirked.  “And you’re the girl dating that Block b member who smiles a lot.  How’s that going for you?” she wondered with mock sympathy.

          “I-it’s fine,” I answered, unsurely.  I really didn’t want to fight her on a platform with no backup.  But I’d pop her again if I had to.  The bell sounded that the train was arriving.

          She placed a hand on her heart and spoke again, words oozing with sarcasm.  “I hear it can be so difficult to date a celebrity.  What with all the scandals and rumors just flying all over the internet, it must be crazy.”  The train pulled up and the doors opened.  “I’m sure it’s really hard for you to figure out what’s true or not.  It must be so hard for you.”

          With that, she turned and got on the train.

          I was still standing out there when the doors shut.