His Precious Ringtone | b2utyful_angel
seasonallyperfections | a review shop {batch one closed, moving!}
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Title: 10/10
I liked the title though it was a little vague. I actually got the feel it would be fluffy, but after reading it, it wasn't fluffy at all. But it did match with the story in the end. It took a while for me to find the connection between the plot and the story, but I got it!
Foreword: 11/15
I'm afraid your foreword gave too much away. Okay, so yes, we were a couple. A happy couple. Then I passed away. Well...for forewords like this, I think you should put it in third person. Or first person. But not second person. It just doesn't feel deep at all. It doesn't connect to the readers. Something like that. Don't just say You, YOU, YOU!! You get it?
EXAMPLES:
He and I...we were a happy couple.
His name? Lee Byunghyun.
I loved him so much. I thought we could have a happy ending...
But then...it never came true.
I loved her to death. Her life came before mine.
But when I laid eyes on her dead, limp body..
I felt emotions gush over me like a waterfall.
I was so very confused...
LOL. Yeah, something like that.
Overall Look: 3/5
To be honest, I don't think your poster fits with your story. For such a deep/dark/angst story like yours, I would say to do some blending. Also, L.Joe and the ulzzang's colors are different which sort of throws things off. In fact, it's a little plain for my taste. Perhaps your graphic designer should have put a cellphone in the poster? Also, your font size...It goes from small to HUGE. When your copyright stuff come up, ITS LIKE HUGE. I get that you don't want plagiarism to occur...but...I suggest you putting in a smaller font. It grabs more attention then your foreword. Do you get what I'm saying? EXCUSE ME FOR BEING SUCH A SHAMELESS ADVERTISER. >.< If you want to read other suggestions to make your overall look improve, then check out my writing tip thread! I cover the topic of font size/etc.
Grammar: 20/30
Your past and present tense switches in and out from time to time which bothers me just a little bit. Also, I suggest you don't put author notes in the middle of nowhere. Also, when L.Joe thinks, he has this *hithereblahblahblah* I really don't like this way when you put these ** as thoughts. I believe in italics. (: OKAY. When he tells himself not to cry, '' * i'm not gonna' cry. i'm not gonna' cry. i'm not gonna' cry...*'' OKAY. You don't need the astrophe after gonna. Gonna is sort of like slang...and I don't think it suits writing...Going to is a better way to put it.
Spelling: 20/20
I SAW NO SPELLING ERRORS WHATSOEVER~! (: good job!
Flow: 10/15
Reading the entire story at just one go strains my eyes. It jumps from one place to another. One moment L.Joe wakes up, then there's a flashback...it's all over the place...I have to re-read alot of parts to remember what's going on.
Originality: 4/5
I've seen such plots every now and then...espeecially when someone mental is involved etc. But the ringtone thing is sure new! (:
Total: 78/100
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Reviewed by: -justadreamer-
[reviewer's message: ahh i'm so sorry for grading so harshly~! please forgive me!]
owner's message: and that wraps up batch one of seasonallyperfections! thank you to everyone who requested!
got any questions? pm us! remember to credit us in the foreword!
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