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{STORY LINK} 

Title: 8/10

A forbidden love...interesting. I would click on it, probably, because usually forbidden love stories are about (family romantic relationships), but I don't really read stories...But the only thing that I marked you down is because the title had weird spacing...I don't understand why there would be random spacing between the LOVE. And why is there parentheses in a title? I'm not getting this..

Foreword: 15/15

I like the foreword, especially the quote at the beginning. Good job! (: 

Overall Look: 4/5

The background is cute. (: However, I think maybe you should request a poster from a poster shop? I don't know, just a thought. The only thing that bugged me really was the character pictures...I mean for Bang Yuna, maybe you should choose a different picture? Because it looks a little funny because it looks squeezed...I don't know if that's the correct term, but basically, the height doesn't match with the width. Am I making sense? LOL I'm so sorry. >.< 

​Grammar: 20/30

Okay. I'm really. REALLY. Sorry for grading you so harsh. It's just that...I'm a grammar freak. My sincere apologies  in advance. When I read the first sentence, I was just like..."uhm..." Because instead of "heard her step-mom yelled from downstairs," it should be "yell from downstairs." I'm sure that's just a typo, but the thing is...for dialogue, there should be commas after a closing of a dialogue. 

EXAMPLE:

"Morning" the family chorused. It should be: "Morning," the family chorused. Then her father says, "Childrens." Children is already the plural form of "child," so you do not need the "s." Then, her step-sister, "she doesn't live with them due to personal problem.." it should be "she doesn't live with them due to a personal problem." it's really minor, I know, but later on, when we move onto Suzy, "she meet with Yuna..." it should be met. I think you're going in between present and past tense, but it's okay. Sometimes I do that too. Then, "Suzy actually wanted to quit school to look for a job for her siblings school feed." Uhm...I don't know what you're saying by here.. I mean I sort of know what you're talking about, but maybe if you re-ordered the words in the sentence, it would make more sense? Like, "Suzy actually wanted to quit school to look for a job that could pay for her siblings' school tution, as well as feeding the family." However, when this sentence comes along, explaining the history between Suzy and Yuna, "But Yuna's family helped her. By donating some of their money and useful belongings to..." The second sentence is a fragment. It could go two ways, "By donating some of their money and useful belongings to Suzy's family, Yuna's family helped her." Or, another way to rephrase it so that the second sentence isn't a fragment, it should be, "But Yuna's family helped her by donating some of their money and useful belongings to...etc." 

ANOTHER EXAMPLE:

"Janey smoothly catch it and smiled." The past tense for catch is caught. So I think all you need to work on is re-ordering your words in a sentence to make it flow more smoothly. Also focus on present and past tense. Try not to confuse them. 

Spelling: 20/20

Found no spelling errors. Good job! 

​Flow: 12/15

In the foreword, you just crammed in all four girl names, expecting us to remember them...I think if there would be more chapters, I would possibly catch on who's who. But because there's only one chapter so far, I had to look back on the foreword to remember. Also, the ordering of the words in your sentence make the sentences choppy. You should vary sentence lengths to make it flow more smoothly. Most of your sentences are simple, so perhaps you should try writing complex and compound sentences? It's just a thought. 

​Originality: 5/5

Nice original storyline. I was reading your foreword, and saw that a shop made your storyline. However, I saw that you also changed the given storyline a bit, so gave you a full score!

Total: 84/100

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Reviewed by: superxbunny99

{a note from her~i hope i didn't grade too hard. grammar's the only place you really need to work in, so focus mainly on that. besides that, good job overall!} 

got any questions? pm us! remember to credit us in the foreword!