I hold back, even though it hurts.

For me even tears are a luxury

I don’t even have the right to look at you, though you look at me

[Infinite – Only Tears]

Hyukjae shifted a bit in his seat because the insult coming from his schoolmates along the corridor caused him to be a bit uncomfortable. Not a bit actually, but a lot uncomfortable since he has been hurting like this usually mentally. Though it’s been already hard for him, never once crossed on his mind to report the abuse he receive from his schoolmates to teacher. Mainly verbal abuse he used to receive everytime from his schoolmates.

He hold in the pain as he starts to read the book in the corner of the class since he avoided him being noticed and start to let him feel invicible in the school though he couldn’t because he is actually the centre of this school’s bullying.

His mind processed the content of the books, not minding the cold stare he receive from the others left in the class. His eyes began to watery from the tears that flooded on his eyes as he turned another page of his book. A photo of him with his family smilling brightly. He caressed the photo as the tears made its way to his cheeks.

He missed that moment he spent time with his family together. He missed the boy who looks cheerful in the photo clung his slender arms on his houlder. He missed the smile plastered on his parents face. He missed everything in the past. He missed everything before the incident happens.

He used to have so many friends in the past. Being categorized as a famous person in school. But fate changed him to become a loner. He had no friends anymore, his friends started to leave him and also his parents wouldn’t bother what happened to him. They ignored him and that makes his heart bleed because he become an orphan before he really is.

Everyone that know him started to hate him because of that incident. That incident that changed completely his life into this mess. He hated and blamed himself for being him, the only one that safely and sound from the incident that took the conscious of his lovely brother.

He changed himself, he changed himself completely though no one noticed that since there’s no one that would bother him. He kept smile, his smile never faded away from his face. But the cheerful Hyukjae is gone, gone completely with his soul that left in his brother’s side.

He had no one to share his problem, his happiness, his bitterness and all about his emotion. No one would notice the bitterness that showed up when he smiled. Everyone couldn’t notice that because they blamed everything happens to him. No one would ever tried to understand him. But, he didn’t blame it though because he also blamed himself for makes everything turned out like this.

He just had one best friend since the incident happened to him, penknife. He often slit his wrist until it bleed and watch the blood dripped off from his wrist. Called him masochist, he don’t care but it feels so good to feel pain shot through his body. He felt relieve emitted from his body after he did that.

He spent most of the time outside his house. He stayed at the school’s library until 4pm and go straight to the store near his school to take his part time job he started to have and went home at 10pm. During weekend, he busied himself outside, doing his part time job from early in the morning until late at midnight.

He didn’t dare himself to go home early because he’ll face his parents and the insult would come from their mouths, his parents didn’t like him being inside the house at all. So, he’d to make a life from the money he earned it by himself, he never used the money his parents give him. Instead he save it, he collected all the money he has from his parents and save it in his parents cupboard, his parents wouldn’t notice though because he always tiptoed when he put that money. The money he has is from his earnings and he learnt to save it in his account so when he needed that he could use it.

His parents also never come again to his school to attend the events the school held. During the conference between teacher and parents, he let himse