It’s been three weeks since mom was discharged from the hospital. I even spotted Joon Myun the day mom got out. He was visiting his sister again. Reluctantly, I used my money to pay for the hospital bill. Mom hadn’t been complaining of any pain so far. I tried making her eat because one of the doctor’s orders were to get her to eat healthy foods because her weight loss was rather obvious. Mom wouldn’t eat, though. She went back into her stoic state as soon as we got home and spent most of her time either in her bedroom or in the living room watching TV. I even tried making her go out and hang out with her friends but she said she’d rather stay in.

I worked at Spines straight for the past weeks. I was also thinking of getting another job but I don’t think I could handle it with school and with mom being her current self. I received another notification from the accounting, reminding me of the approaching deadline of the payment for my tuition. I was jerked out of my troubled thoughts when my cell phone on top of my study table buzzed. Even before I picked it up, I had a feeling who it might be: Jongin.

He sent me a text, asking me how’s my day so far. For the last couple of days, we haven’t seen each other much. Even at school. He’d been busy with his classes and his training and I’ve been busy with my own life, too.

It’s been three weeks since he told me he love me. The way he said it, the sound of his voice, the sparkle in his eyes, the way his cheeks slightly turned pink…they were floating in the back of my head every single day ever since. I’m supposed to feel light and pleased, right? Overjoyed, even. I’m supposed to be hopping and squealing in delight because a guy like Jongin falls in love with a girl like me. But I don’t feel like jumping or squealing at all. That vague and odd feeling seemed to reign over my system every time I see him. I know it’s not exactly the ideal feeling I should be having but that’s how I felt. Sometimes, I feel like it’s getting worse because I’ve been having urges to avoid him or push him away—I did avoid and pushed him away once or twice the past few weeks.

And I feel so horrible for feeling and acting that way. I felt as though I was being possessed by some spirit or ghost and its taking control of me whenever I’m with Jongin. I still can’t figure out why I’m acting this way or feeling this way because I’ve never felt this before.

It’s not that Jongin’s pressuring me to say it back to him or anything like that—he’s not doing that at all. Like I said, he’d been busy the past couple of days and the only time we see each other was during our lunch and free time. He’s acting pretty much like how he always does. If anything, it was me who’s acting different around him. I wanted to call Min Jee, she left a few days ago for her retreat. I want to ask for her advice but I couldn’t reach her so I thought hard on what she could possibly say to me if ever I asked for her advice on stuff like this.

I wanted to make it up to Jongin and maybe forget about these odd and disturbing feelings I’ve been having and enjoy a good day with him. After my last period the next day, I rushed to the Performing Arts Department and made a beeline to the dance studio.

When I arrived, the dance studio was almost full. I didn’t know there was an open practice today. The entire studio was booming with a rather trendy and catchy tune and there was Jongin and Yixing dancing together as though they were in the middle of an epic dance battle. I know Yixing was dancing with him but my eyes settled only on Jongin. His moves were so precise—no more, no less. Fine, maybe I am biased, but still. Whenever Jongin dances, I could tell he’s in a whole new different world and I know he doesn’t see anyone: it’s only him, the stage and the music.

I know he probably didn’t notice me from where I’m standing, too. Well, that and because there’s a tall, lanky guy in front of me (taking a video of the boys dancing), so I was merely peeking on his side. Then, all of a sudden, I nearly ran into Jongin’s side when he nearly slipped while dancing. It happened really quick that if the guy in front of me didn’t shifted on his feet, I would’ve missed it. It must be painful because Jongin, ever so slightly winced. But he composed himself in a split second as though nothing happened. A few minutes before their rehearsal finished, I went outside and decided to wait for him there.

“Jongin!” I called out to him as he exit the dance studio along with his classmates and other students. Good thing he’s tall and because of his broad shoulders, I easily spotted him among his classmates.

“Hey.” he said plainly when he saw me. “Why are you here outside?”

“I just came out minutes before you guys finished.” I said, slightly shrugging as I walked down towards him.

“I thought you have work after school?” he asked.

“Yeah but...I didn’t go.” I said lightly. “I, uh…I was actually thinking of asking if you want to hang out with me today. It’s just we haven’t been hanging out lately.”

Jongin didn’t say anything for a brief moment. He’s looking at me rather seriously, though. He skimmed my eyes, with his expression quite unreadable. I don’t know if it’s me but for a moment, he kinda looked bothered. I also noted that he looked so exhausted. His cheeks were flushed, his hair was positively dampe