I felt lifeless in this state. I didn’t even daydream like I usually did around this time. I could hear faint whispering outside of my hospital room with my parents talking to the nurse. I overheard some of the conversation with how they’re really looking at my results from the last tests and how I could be getting released soon and continue recovering at home. I didn’t know if that was because they couldn’t help me anymore or if I was really getting better. My headaches that I used to have before faded away after a few days here but they continued to keep me here saying there was more to be done. I wanted to know so that I could help but they said it was classified and only my parents were allowed to know. For being graduated from High School they still seemed to be treating me like a child who couldn’t handle ‘the truth’.

Even yesterday my parents were whispering to themselves about some boy that was off at college but failed to mention his name. They said they needed to send him another letter soon about me and I wanted to know why he was so important that he needed to know about my recovery, but I decided to just keep quiet. I had a feeling they wouldn’t tell me even if I asked.

“How has your head been?” I glanced back at the front of the door and realized that my parents were done talking to one of the doctors and my mom was now beside me.

“It’s fine.” I muttered.

“Have you been resting well?” She asked another question and I just nodded this time. I was feeling sleepy all of a sudden and I really didn’t want to deal with talking to anyone—even if I loved my mom.

“We’ll have you home soon.” She brushed her fingers through my hair and I gently closed my eyes. Maybe I’ll have that same dream that I’ve been having. Even though I didn’t know him his smile was still calming. Even though I could only see a blurry image of him I still wanted to smile towards him and have him in my arms.

I must be going insane.

“Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up…”

I opened my eyes slowly and almost freaked out when Byunghun was in my face while nudging my shoulder softly and whispering ‘wake up’ continuously.

“Oh whoa!” I yelled and pulled away from him. “Isn’t this a bit creepy? Don’t tell me you got close to me as a roommate and introduced me to your friends as a big plot to stalk me later in life?” By the end of my accusation I couldn’t even keep a straight face and both of us started laughing.

“Nah it’s because you smacked your alarm clock and fell directly back to sleep, I’m making sure you don’t miss class.” Byunghun chuckled and nudged me once more. “But if you do want me to stalk you later in life you could have just asked.” He smiled and winked at me in a playful way. I shuddered slightly and shook my head.

“No thanks.”

It didn’t take long for me to get ready for the day and promise myself to read Soo Young’s diary later since I didn’t want to chance being late because of it. We walked to the cafeteria where the rest of the gang was and ate some breakfast before heading to class.

I couldn’t help but notice the distance Byunghun and Daniel had and how they didn’t even talk or glance at each other. I knew this was going to be bad if this continued.

On the way to English Byunghun talked about it with a sigh and said he was only distancing himself from Daniel so they didn’t get into a fight over something as silly as a girl. At his defense it wasn’t his fault he liked Ji Young and she liked him back.

School went on like usual with me talking to all of my friends in class and socializing more than doing my work. As the days went by I just didn’t feel like college was my thing and I spent more time considering what I would do if I decided to drop out. I mentioned this to Jonghyun and Changhyun in history and they just looked at me like I was crazy and to continue on going to class and doing my work. Jonghyun also mentioned that today would be a good day to stop by our workplace and start getting practice for it. Changhyun seemed to go completely distant after he mentioned that and I almost wanted to hit myself for how oblivious Jonghyun was being about this whole ‘we’re just best friends’ thing.

I didn’t know if it was because of me but I felt that after I joined the group they’ve been slowly backing away from each other and focusing on themselves as an individual instead of as a group. I really hoped I wasn’t the start of it because so far they haven’t been mean to me or talked to me about it.

Once Biology came up it was hard to talk to Daniel about anything and he mainly stayed focused on the board and didn’t want to even glance at me. I didn’t know what to do about this whole ordeal and most likely he gets mad at me because he knows I can’t stand on his side—but I also can’t stand on Byunghun’s side either. I just wanted to stand on neutral grounds and hope for the best.

There were other girls for Daniel, I mean hell Hyeon had a crush on him and he didn’t even notice her. He really wasn’t all that great at the whole ‘noticing when a girl likes you’ thing. However, I didn’t want to push him in any direction because I was unsure if he’d even consider Hyeon as an option.

Things just had to work out on their own.

“I just don’t know what to do.” Daniel finally spoke once we were away from class and heading towards the cafeteria. At least he was speaking now.

“I don’t want to fight with you about this, but sometimes things just don’t turn out the way you want them to.” I sighed and only said the words that wouldn’t get me in trouble.

“I know.” Daniel muttered looking away from me and towards the sky. “I know.” He repeated with a sigh.

I didn’t know what else to do in this situation so in the end I patted him on the back and listened to him throughout our lunch period. It was nice learning more about Daniel and the things he has been going through, but nothing he was going to say was going to make me mad at Byunghun for taking Ji Young away from him.

Because she was never his to begin with.

We parted ways after lunch and I headed off to my creative writing class that had Ji Young where she just continued to sit next to me and explain how amazing her life is with Byunghun in it. It felt nice to know I brought the two together indirectly, but I was still not too happy from my talk with Daniel.

Luckily we were let out early and I didn’t have to hear too much about her ever so happy life. I had to get together with Jonghyun and get to our workplace today so I couldn’t dwell on bad thought for too long. Changhyun was still not happy with Jonghyun and obviously Daniel wasn’t the nicest to Byunghun either. This whole group was coming apart before we even attempted to become a band.

This was not good.

“I can handle it, okay?” Jonghyun reassured me once we were safely away from the school with the topic of Changhyun brought up almost instantly. “He is my best friend and he needs to realize that his life doesn’t revolve around me.”

“But what if he wants it to.” I mumbled to myself and crossed my arms. I knew fully 100% that Changhyun liked Jonghyun as more than just a best friend, but it was obvious that Jonghyun didn’t even consider the possibility. “I have another question for you.”

“Hmm?” Jonghyun hummed and leaned back into his seat, getting comfortable.

“How do you feel about boys dating other boys, or even girls dating other girls.” Maybe seeing his reaction will help me understand Changhyun’s feelings a bit more.

“Huh?” He shot up from his seat. “Why would you ask me something like that? I’m completely straight.” He immediately defended and started laughing nervously. That could mean one or two things, he was really straight and telling the truth, or covering it up. Maybe I’ll find out after getting to know him more.

“Just asking, who knows maybe I’m not.” I winked at him and he shuddered at the thought. It made me laugh but I still felt sorry for Changhyun, this is most likely what he goes through every day. No wonder why he pulls the ‘best friend’ card with Jonghyun as much as he does.

“Haha, don’t joke with me man, besides I’m not ready for a relationship, I want to be famous.” He smiled this time and laughed the joke off. He didn’t know I had a girlfriend, but it was nice to play a joke like that for once since I never really got to. It was good that he wasn’t looking for a relationship; at least this meant it would be longer before Changhyun’s heart would be broken. But maybe it would have been better if he had been heartbroken.

My thoughts were soon interrupted when we reached our stop and got off of the bus to get to our job. It was nice that I had it with someone else, but it was still weird since I didn’t know Jonghyun as much as the rest of the gang did.

But this was my chance to figure out some things.

Learning the basics of the job was simple. I was set to be a waiter while Jonghyun was stuck on cashier. Our boss said it might bring in more customers this way for now but he’ll teach us the other jobs next time we come to work. It was nice making our own schedule like this and it’ll be very helpful once we get into harder training for our dance classes. It was also nice to have extra money for small things. I planned on saving my money so I could buy something really nice for Soo Young when she gets out of the hospital and safely home. And speaking of home I really should be visiting again to see my mom, and hopefully not my dad.

We only worked for a few hours before heading out saying we had dance practice today and we’ll definitely work longer tomorrow when we don’t have school holding us down. The hours for the shop were mainly for lunch hours so we were expecting a lot more customers the next day when we were able to make the lunch time rush and not the slow dinner time crowd like what we faced today. It was nice though and a lot of people stopped by when they noticed me as a waiter—I had a feeling we were going to get more girls if Jonghyun and I continue to work here.

But regardless we still left early in order to make it to dance practice without being too late. Daniel was happy to see me when I walked through the door and I was happy to see him back at practice with how he was yesterday I was afraid he would stop. Maybe he realized him being mad at Byunghun was not going to solve anything and it was better to just deal with things now before anything got out of hand.

"Let's here up and get to our dance instructor, I missed a lot yesterday right? I have to make it up to her." Daniel said once the rest of the group went their separate ways. I nodded and explained to him that we didn't learn anything new since I just spent the day working on the things I was bad at.

He seemed fine with that answer and went forward to our usual practice room where Hyeon was waiting for us.

She smiled at seeing Daniel and walked towards us; I noticed immediately that she changed her smile to a frown because she didn't want to show her feelings for Daniel. "Where were you yesterday?" She huffed and crossed her arms.

Daniel looked nervous at this and laughed awkwardly, "I was feeling a bit down because of something and just didn't have the heart to be dancing. I'm sorry and I hope it won't happen again." He straightened up and saluted her. She grinned at his behavior and of course let him off the hook. Not like he was on the hook to begin with. I knew she was just playing with him to make him feel bad for not going yesterday.

It was a normal thing for girls to do with their crushes.

The day didn't go too badly and really it was mainly just focusing on more dance moves and working to perfect them within the few hours we had of dance practice. When we were done we met up with the rest of the group, Byunghun and Daniel still being awkward with each other, and we decided to go out to eat as a group at a fast food restaurant on the way back to campus.

From the looks of it Byunghun and Daniel were the only ones not talking within the group, even Changhyun talked with Jonghyun and acted like nothing was wrong with their friendship whatsoever, but I knew Changhyun was just hiding his feelings for the younger boy to avoid any more awkward feelings to leak into the group.

After a while and once our meal ended and we paid we headed back to the campus and I finally had the chance to talk to Changhyun without the rest of the group noticing. Jonghyun and Byunghun were off in their own conversation with Minsoo talking to Daniel.

"Hey what's up." I started the conversation easily and Changhyun immediately answered that he was doing fine and doing well in college so far. "I have a question to ask you."

"Hmm, ask away." Changhyun responded without any worry and shrugged.

"How do you feel about boys dating boys or girls dating girls? Do you think it's weird, or completely alright?"

"H-Huh?" Changhyun almost completely halted in his walking and stared at me like I was completely insane. "Why do you ask?"

I just shrugged and grinned, "I wanted to know about your feelings about it; I think it is perfectly normal; what about you?"

He blushed and looked away from me and towards the ground. "W-Well I think it's fine and perfectly normal too."

Bingo!

"Are you by any chance not straight?" I asked quietly and waited for a response. I could see the shock in his eyes and the worry go across them. "If you aren't then I'm completely okay with it."

"I-I'm well, I don't know what to say about that." He shifted his eyes a lot and finally looked into my eyes and sighed. "Okay so maybe I'm not."

"And that's perfectly fine, now for my last question." I smiled at getting this information out of him so easily compared to Jonghyun. "Do you like your best friend?"

He blushed even more and hid his face as quickly as he could. "I-well, you see—" He muttered and looked up towards the rest of the group where Jonghyun was happily still talking to Byunghun without a single problem. "I might."

"You might?"

"I don't know for sure, but I have this feeling that I do. I just don't want to worry him about it, so please don't tell him a thing!" He whispered loudly and rose his finger at me like it was a threat but the blush on his cheeks made it hard for me to take him seriously. Of course I was not going to tell Jonghyun a single thing; I just wanted to know for sure.

I immediately promised that I'd keep it a secret for him and smiled at him. He seemed to relax after that and smiled back at me. "I might not know you too well, but I really do trust you. Thanks for joining our group."

It wasn’t much longer until we were back at our respected dorms with Byunghun going straight to his homework and me going straight to Soo Young’s diary.

Dear Diary,

                How long is it until graduation? Less than a month! Nothing can stop me now! Haha I’m going to go to college and make something of my life. I really want to be a teacher, someone who will help her students out and be nice to everyone. I get this feeling of wanting to help less fortunate students because I feel like they’re doing nothing to help me and in reality away from the good grades and wonderful boyfriend I feel like there is something wrong with me. My headaches are getting worse and I’m starting to wonder how long I can keep this going on as a secret before I crack and tell everyone that there is something wrong with me. However, I want to wait until after I graduate for fear that they might want me to be sent away before I get the chance to. I want graduation pictures with Chanhee and me; I want to live my life with him and only him. This is not going to ruin my life! I am going to be something! And since there is less than a month left of school I want to say that I won’t be writing much more than this; maybe three more entries at most. I hope to get on with my life and look back on this as a sort of accomplishment that I achieved in High School.

--Lee Soo Young

I didn’t even notice the feeling of someone touching my shoulder until I looked up and saw Byunghun simply touching my shoulder and giving me enough strength to not break down and cry right there and then. I looked through the rest of the pages and noticed that there were indeed about three left after this one and I knew this was going to come to an end. I used her diary as an escape to get away from reality and believe that she was with me even if only in my mind.

But soon I won’t be able to use her as a crutch like I’ve always have.

Byunghun could sense my emptiness and whispered, “I’m always here for you.”

I smiled and nodded to him. I might have Soo Young on the mind and she’ll never leave, but at least I have friends who truly care for me in the present to help me get through this horrible feeling of loneliness that I keep getting.