Her room seemed empty without her warm presence. Her walls were lined with her favorite Korean pop idols hiding the ocean blue of her room’s original color. Her bed was neatly made as if no one had ever slept in that bed and her room was cleaned to the point of almost being empty. What caught my attention was not the cleanliness of the room, or the cold atmosphere it presented, but rather the blue notebook on the empty clean desk that seemed to draw me towards it. Written on the notebook was in yellow writing, ‘My secret diary’.

Why was this left here? Everything else in the room was gone from her clothes to all of her personal belongings. I looked at that one special notebook and couldn’t help but pick it up and feel the weight of the paper in my hands. I held everything she has ever written from about her life, her family, school and maybe even me. I glanced at it in my hands sliding my fingers across the writing on the front before holding it close to my chest and turning around to face her mother. She didn’t speak but nodded to me with a sad look in her eye but gave me full permission to take the special notebook in my arms. I smiled at her but even she knew the smile did not reach my eyes as I walked towards her and she stepped away allowing me to leave the empty room and towards the door. My throat felt dry and unused and I didn’t even mutter a goodbye as I left the house and went straight for my car. I started up the engine and drove silently off; carefully putting the notebook in the passenger seat as if thinking the notebook could be her replacement.

But no one could be her replacement. She was my one and only and right now she was gone and I had no clue if she was ever coming back.

I drove passing my house, passing the stores and the landscape and traveled towards my destination. She couldn’t have chosen a more perfect time for her to leave, for her to be transported somewhere where they could help her. She could be in the car next to me smiling her usual giddy smile and telling me about something that happened to her today. But instead I drove towards the college I was about to attend with an empty heart and a silent atmosphere.

She’ll be back. She isn’t gone forever you know. Get a grip on life Chanhee you’re still young! Don’t let her ruin your grades in college.

Words from several people filled my head, trying to push them away with music blasting from my radio but nothing could stop the things they’ve said. My family, my friends, everyone important in my life telling me it’ll be okay and that she’ll return. How could they possibly know how I feel or what I’m going through? My love, the one and only girl in my life was in a whole different country being treated for a disease no one knew she had!

Anger filled my thoughts and I drove faster to calm my nerves and soon enough I arrived at my destination and looked at my college dorm rooms with a fill of emptiness. We had plans to move in together in an apartment and work part-time jobs to afford it. We planned to live together without a single care in the world because they didn’t matter as long as we had each other. Now I was staring at my dorm room knowing that I had to deal with it for a whole year before having the chance to move out.

I parked my car and popped open the trunk of my car in order for me to grab my things. I only brought enough for me to survive and nothing else. This was college not some vacation and it meant packing light and dealing with the consequences later. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and grasped the handle on my suitcase. Once they were both out of the trunk I slammed it shut and left my car; making sure to lock it before walking towards the dorm building.

When I walked into the dorm building the whole area was different shades of blue ranging from a sky blue in the main lobby to dark blue on the walls close to the stairs. I knew my room was on the third floor and walked towards the elevator, ignoring all the other people and surroundings in the building. People waved at me, some people smiled others frowned. I didn’t care and continued on towards my room. I chose an all boy’s dorm building to avoid contact with girls but I still managed to see one walking from the elevator and towards the exit; probably visiting her boyfriend before she wasn’t allowed in.

I sighed and walked into the elevator, pushed the third floor button and waited for the doors to close and for the machine to take me to my floor. Normally I would have walked but with the heavy backpack and suitcase I decided it was quicker to just take the elevator. It made a dinging noise once it hit my floor and I silently walked out and down the hallway. The walls were lined with pictures of different things such as the rules of the floor, games that were coming up and clubs that needed to be joined. I ignored everything and eventually found my room in the middle of the hallway. I slid my key into the lock and unlocked the door before opening the door and seeing my dorm room for the first time.

My room was just like any other dorm room with a bunk bed on one side to make more space, a night stand next to the bed which was next to a long desk made for both roommates. On the other side was the two closets and dressers for our clothes and even a table for random things like a microwave or anything else. Plugs were randomly scattered around the room for any machine needing charging or for anything else that would need it. Other than those few things the room seemed bare, but I couldn’t help but notice a backpack beside the bed and a suitcase close by it. I glanced up at the top of the bunk and noticed someone sleeping there.

“Is that my roommate?” I muttered and walked closer to see who he was. He was fast asleep on his bed and looked completely peaceful. He had dyed blond hair and really pale skin. I could not tell much more about his sleeping figure and decided not to wake him up. I set my things beside the bed as well and sat on the bottom bunk claiming it as my own.

I unpacked a few things necessary for the first few days of school but mostly kept useless things in my suitcase and packed it into the closet for future use. The only thing that was useless for me in college that I ended up holding dearly in my hand was her diary. I couldn’t help but stare at it for a good ten minutes without even opening it; wondering if I should invade her privacy or not.

She told me a year ago when I first noticed this diary that it was her escape from reality. She wrote her inner thoughts and feelings and felt embarrassed to show it to anyone. She expressed herself however she wanted to and had no problems with what she wrote. She once told me that I was allowed to see anything in the room except for her diary—and yet here it was in my hands.

“Should I open it?” I whispered, sliding my finger across the cover of it and sighing. “I shouldn’t. This would be bad when she finds out that I’ve read this.” I glanced around the room as if she was about to appear and reprehend me for holding all of her secrets.

My roommate turned over in his bed which caused the bed to shake and I looked up afraid that he was going to hear me. My gaze shifted back to the room and I sighed once more before getting comfortable on my bed and propping the notebook up as if I were reading a novel. This was my one and only chance to finally look into the mind of the one I love and see what she was like even before she met me or before I met her.

Dear Diary,

                Today is August 19^th! A few days ago was my sixteenth birthday and one of the gifts I got was this diary; now don’t get me wrong I wanted one of these but it wasn’t exactly what I was expecting when I turned 16 when I wanted one of these back in middle school. I’ll be starting High School soon and I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for me. Most of my friends went to different schools but that’s fine because I’ll make new high school friends and become popular! Just kidding I don’t care for being popular and actually I’ll probably be deemed as nerd by day one because I signed up for all honors classes. I have a bad feeling about my math, I’m not good in that subject at all so I might have to switch  to regular. What am I supposed to write in this thing anyways? Important events? My day-to-day life? My love life? I guess I should introduce myself though. My name is Lee Soo Young and I am 16 years old. 15 in America. I’ve never had a relationship before and I hope to have one in high school at some point but I’m not really looking. I’m deemed as a nerd but I don’t even need glasses to look it. I’m a big fan of Kpop; mostly Super Junior and DBSK but I like Big Bang and B2ST as well. Don’t get me started on those things or else I could be writing for hours about how amazing they are. Not too much to say about me though, I can’t dance, I can’t sing and I’m very average looking. I’m an only child and only have a small amount of friends. Maybe I should wait until something happens before I write more, don’t expect something every day! It feels like I’m talking to myself… oh well, haha.

--- Lee Soo Young

I sobbed once and I couldn’t help it as the tears continued to flow out and there was no stopping it now. I thanked the heavens for my sleeping roommate just above me because I did not want him to know just how weak I was right now. My body shook all over and I closed the notebook out of fear of getting the pages wet with my tears. She’s not gone forever Chanhee! She is just in a different country with a disease that I know nothing about. They said around two months or a little less than that. My first few weeks of college will be hell but once she comes back it’ll all be better. I planned to take a semester off to let her get caught up and maybe I could get a full-time job to support the two of us while she goes to college. I’ll help her if she feels weak and I’ll make sure she doesn’t get a single bad grade or is hurt in any way. I loved her to pieces and I was falling to pieces just thinking about her absence.

“Are you okay dude?”

I stopped suddenly and cursed to the heavens. I glanced away from the notebook on my pillow and noticed the boy who was just sleeping standing beside my bedside, wide awake.

“Are you okay?” He repeated with a look of concern on his face.

“Y-Yeah I’m fine.” I replied after finding my voice and sat up on the bed and wiped my tears from my face. “I’m just having a few personal issues that won’t really be fixed until two months into the semester.”

“Well I hope things work out, I wouldn’t want to have a depressed roommate all the time. My name is Lee Byunghun; it’s nice to meet you.”

I stood up to greet him and shook his hand while I introduced myself to him, Lee Chanhee and that it was nice to meet him too. I was glad that I didn’t have an uptight roommate or a bad roommate in general. Byunghun seemed like a good guy and it made my college life that much easier.

“Maybe once we get to know each other you can tell me about your personal problem.” He responded while glancing at the notebook on my bed. Anyone could tell that that notebook was the reason for my distress. It brought back too many memories, too many smiling faces of the girl I love.

After a moment of silence I realized I was supposed to say something back but only had enough strength to murmur a “Yeah.” Before sinking back to my bed and putting the notebook under my pillow. “I think I’m going to take a nap.” I said with a fake yawn hoping to have some time to think things over and get myself together before classes start.

“Okay then man, I’ll be down in the lobby for a bit and maybe we can grab some dinner later. I’ll leave my cell phone number on the desk if you want to text me.” Byunghun stated and went to find a pencil and paper as I closed my eyes and rested my head on the pillow.

Before I knew it I had really fallen asleep.

I awoke hours later startled and looked around the room before calming down and sighing to myself. “I dreamt of her again.” I muttered and buried my hand in my hair. Though I might not remember my dreams, but the tears that stained my face was enough to know I dreamt of her again. I looked at the time and glanced at the piece of paper on the desk. I felt my stomach but felt nothing. I wasn’t hungry, but I haven’t eaten since breakfast.

I stood up slowly and walked to the paper, picked it up and grabbed my phone from my pocket before putting the number in my phone and adding him as Byunghun. I sent him a text after the number was saved and waited for a response.

Hey! You feeling better? He responded knowing it was me when I texted him a simple greeting.

Yeah I was just a little down, that’s all. Thanks for caring. I lied but I really didn’t want someone I didn’t even know asking me about my personal issues.

That’s good! Want to grab something to eat? I’m in the lobby right now so come on down and you can meet some of my friends too! He replied and I shut my phone not needing to respond if I was just going to go downstairs anyways.

I took the stairs this time and avoided all contact with people—because nowadays who actually uses the stairs? I was greeted by that same sky blue color on the walls of the lobby and glanced around for any signs of Byunghun; just when I was about to give up I noticed his blond hair and walked towards it.

He was sitting at a couch with four other people all of which were laughing and talking about random topics that I didn’t care about.

“These are my friends.” Byunghun introduced and waved his arms for his friends to introduce themselves. “This is my roommate Lee Chanhee.”

“I’m Ahn Daniel!” The boy beside Byunghun spoke up. He had curly long brown hair and eyes that seemed almost too far apart along with a big mouth. He seemed nice and even had a heart-warming smile.

“I’m the youngest of the group Choi Jonghyun; if you’re a friend of L. Joe’s then you’re a friend of ours.” Stated the one who did not even look like the youngest of the group. He had normal brown hair and a mature looking face; he looked like he grew up fast in his family.

“I’m Yoo Changhyun!” A boy who DID look like the youngest rose his arm and waved it around wildly. He had short black hair and a chubby face.

“Bang Minsoo.” The other black haired boy introduced himself and rose his arm half way in acknowledgement before lowering it and going back to his conversation with Daniel.

“L. Joe?” I asked after hearing Jonghyun mention the name. Who was L. Joe?

“We all have nicknames for each other.” Byunghun laughed forgetting to mention that one important detail. “I’m L. Joe, Changhyun is Ricky, Minsoo is C.A.P., Jonghyun is Changjo, and Daniel is Niel.”

“Well I feel out of the circle.” I chuckled and sat down in the empty seat on Byunghun’s other side.

“Why not come up with a nickname now!” Changhyun beamed, “this is college you know? A whole new life and new experiences.”

You know? That doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. With me so hung over the past I won’t be able to focus on college until Soo Young comes back. “That sounds like a good idea.” I thought long and hard—okay maybe not long but definitely hard, but soon I found a name. “Chunji.”

“Ooh!” Daniel exclaimed and clapped his hands, “I like it.”

The rest of the members smiled and soon enough I was smiling as well.

“Congratulations, you’re now a member of our group.” Jonghyun praised and clapped his hands as well.

“What’s the name of the group?” Curiosity killed the cat in this case, but I couldn’t help but ask what it was.

“Teen Top.” Byunghun replied with a smirk. “We came up with it back in high school.” He scratched the back of his head in almost embarrassment.

“I like it.” I grinned and he started laughing.

“I like this guy already.” Byunghun responded and earned nods and ‘yeah’s from all of the other members. I felt so welcomed I could also cry—tears of joy that is.

“Alright enough talk, let’s go eat! I’m starving!” Changhyun shouted and jumped up from his seat and was soon joined by everyone else.

I smiled and nodded along with them and lifted myself up from my comfy seat on the couch. Maybe college this semester won’t be a complete hell.