Chapter 47: Do You Feel Happy Now?

[ Jimin’s. ]

[ -3 years, 1 month Left ]

“Are you happy, baby?”

Ate Joohyun looks at me like someone had hurt me more than she could ever repair. She looks at my tear stricken cheeks like it’s a path taken of a knife, brought about by a question that she asked at a surprise visit she made at our home while my wife is off to spend time with his brother—half-brother, I remind myself.

“Katarina Jimin Yoo-Kim, what the hell is wrong with you?”

I don’t know what to say. I can’t tell her. How can I tell her when the thought of thinking about it is already breaking my heart?

I can’t tell her. She’s just going to freak out, and she might jump the gun with my Minjeong. I can’t have her scolding Minjeong when this is something that we need to discuss more... I’m sure the love of my life will change her mind. I’m sure of it.

“Wala,” nakangiti kong sabi, wiping away my tears and turning my face away from her so she wouldn’t see my tears anymore. “I’m fine... why are you here? You didn’t take Kuya Jaehyun with you this time?”

Ate Joohyun slammed her hands on the table. I flinched at the sudden loudness, and I let my sister wipe away the tears that seem to fall so unprompted that I can’t do anything about it but let it fall down without even stopping it.

“Tell me,” my sister whispers, and I let myself fall into her embrace. “Please, tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help.”

That’s the point.

“How can you help when I want a child and Minjeong doesn’t?”

Natahimik na siya. I sat down upon the couch we’ve bought with the money I’ve made from the different work I’ve done through the months that we’re married. Upon the couch is the comforter that Minjeong had always used whenever she couldn’t sleep, and I could smell her scent upon the cloth that calms me down.

“She does not want a child,” Ate Joohyun repeats while looking at me. “How did you get to that conclusion? Did she tell you that directly, or did you assume that she did not want a child because of something she said?”

I stared at her like she had gone mad. Is she seriously doubting me? Taking Minjeong’s side over me, who is her sister?

“Ate, she told me. That she doesn’t want our children ending up like our parents! Isn’t that a sign that she doesn’t want kids or anything at all?”

“Rina,” Ate Joohyun calls me, the same tone that she used whenever she berated me in the past. Hindi ko maiwasan na tumingin sa mga mata niyang nakatitig sa akin. “Tell me everything that she told you.”

I could feel the tears falling again. Is she serious?

“Do I really have to—”

“Yes. I can’t help you unless I hear both sides. Both of your perspectives, you hear me? If you lie or make up something that Minjeong did not say, I’ll ask her myself.”

“Fine,” I said, gritting my teeth as I smelled the good scent of coffee that she had already brewed in our kitchen.

“...it all started last night, while we were watching some movie I don’t remember now.”

[ Flashback – Last Night ]

“What do you think about kids?”

I could barely hold my excitement as I ask the question. Minjeong is sitting between my legs right now, and she’s leaning into my chest while the movie we’re watching is currently playing. I could feel her breaths, the way it rises and falls constantly as she plays with my hand.

“Hmm?”

My smile slowly turns into a frown.

“What do you mean, hmm? Did... Did you not hear me?”

I feel Minjeong sit up from our current position, which has been very comfortable for me since I can hug her when I feel like it. She gets up and looks at me, holding my hand as she says the next words that are more than enough for my smile to disappear completely.

“I heard you, babe. I’m just saying... do we really have to?”

Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. The words echo upon my mind and my heart, and I so badly want to remove her hand from mine but I can’t. I can’t let go, or I’d never want to hold her hand again. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. I can’t... I can’t think straight.

Bakit ganun?

“I... Maybe? Yes? I just know that I want to, Minjeong.”

“Alam ko naman iyon, love. But as I said, do we really have to? You know our history, baby. You know how our parents were. You know how chaotic it had been para sa atin. I don’t want something like that repeating with our children, how hypothetical they may be.”

I withdraw my hand from her.

“You think we won’t be better? Strive to be better? Become someone different from our parents? Minjeong, we’re different from them. So different!”

“Talaga? Paano tayo naiba sa kanya?”

I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. She stares at me, waiting for me to offer a suitable defense for my side or just prove her point that she had made. Wala akong maisagot, and she reaches for my hand again.

“I’m just saying, babe. I don’t want our children to be like us, to suffer like us. Ayaw kong mahirapan sila. Besides, I’m already hard to handle as it is—you understand, don’t you?”

My hand feels so cold against her fingertips. Does she notice it? Can she notice the way I flinch against her touch, the words she had just said putting a tough barrier against her skin? Can she feel the way I try to break that barrier but I can’t? Can she feel me trying to struggle with understanding her words, but I nod anyways?

“Oo... naiintindihan ko.”

“Let’s watch this another time, babe. I’m sleepy.”

I don’t sleep. I can’t sleep. I hold her in my arms, feel the rise and fall of her breaths in a steady pace and rhythm. My mind keeps me awake, spinning her words into something different and forming my own conclusion based on the words that she had said.

She does not want kids.

My wife does not want to have a child with me.

[ End of Flashback ]

“...there. That’s the entire truth of what happened kagabi. I still have not slept even a minute, so can you please just...”

“If you think I’m going to leave you when you’re like this, then you’re wrong. I’m not going to leave you here, so pack your bags.”

Nanlaki yung mga mata ko. Is she seriously going to...?

“Ate, hindi ako pwedeng umalis—”

“I called Jeno. He’s going to take care of his idiotic sister in the meantime, and I’m going to ask Seul to come by here and talk some sense to her. You’re going to come with me, because you’re going to explode right in front of her if you stay here and continue to think about that moment in silence.”

I do not move. I can’t move, and I could only watch as my sister disappears into the room I share with my wife. She comes back to the living room with a bag full of my clothes. Another bag is packed with my underwear, and another with the blanket on my couch. She wraps it around me, and all that I can smell and think about is Minjeong’s scent as Ate Joohyun writes a letter and places it on the refrigerator.

She pulls me away from our home, and I cannot say a word as my sister drives me away from the place I’ve called home for so long.

I feel so cowardly. Like I’m not supposed to be running away from this and yet I just let it all happen—am I doing the right thing? I can still go back. I can still go back to her, right? She’s going to come back to an empty house and I can’t let that happen.

It’s just children.

We can do without it, right?

“Ate, stop the car.”

“Rina, you’re not—”

“Please, stop the car!”

I grabbed my phone as I went out. Hindi ko na muna inalintana yung mga gamit na nasa sasakyan ni Ate—our house is still within walking distance from here, so I just ran back. I called Minjeong