Chapter 46: Not Over Until Everything’s Over 

[ Minjeong’s. ] 

[ -2 years, 2 Months Left ] 

“...are you having fun, Winter?” 

Pagmulat ng mga mata ko, siya agad ang nakita ko. The main character of my worst nightmares, a night that keeps coming back to me from the moment that I close my eyes until the moment that I wake up. Yung mukha niya lang sa huling sandali na iyon ang naaalala ko. That cruel look is everything that I can remember and yet I remember that one saying I’ve heard from somewhere.  

Sometimes, dinidelete daw ng utak natin yung mga memories na hindi natin gusto. Yung mga karanasan na nagpapahirap sa atin, our mind erases them like a defense mechanism for our body.  

Pero bakit ganun? Hindi ko makalimutan yung sa akin.  

I don’t remember a lot about my childhood now. I don’t remember anything about what happened when I was a child. The kidnapping... hindi ko na maalala ang araw na iyon. I don’t remember a lot about Kihoon Kim, a man I thought was my father pero hindi naman pala. I don’t like remembering anything about the past, but every night I see him.  

In the dream, he was pointing a gun. I can remember that accident as clearly as I could, and I know na si Jaemin ang may hawak ng baril na iyon (he’s imprisoned right now, and he’ll rot in that place forever, for all that I care). Jaemin was the one who fired the gun, and yet I could remember Kihoon to be the one holding it.  

Sometimes, the gun alternates to be a baseball bat. Minsan pliers yung hawak niya, and sometimes he isn’t holding anything at all. Pero ganun pa rin yung effect. Nakatali pa rin ako sa upuan na iyon, hands and feet bound upon that metal chair and fear gripping the entirety of my body as he moves closer and closer and closer and closer— 

Ramdam ko pa rin sa legs ko yung sakit. I was lucky, the doctor had always told me when we were still in the hospital after I woke up from that comatose. Maswerte daw ako na hindi ako namatay nung time na iyon. Maswerte ako na limang kumpanya ang tumulong sa akin at the time. Maswerte daw na maraming tao ang nakapaligid sa akin para tulungan ako sa nangyari sa akin.  

So many people, and none of them blame me with the ed up idea I had in my head at the time, because I really thought that it would work. Akala ko, gagana yung plano ko na ipain yung sarili ko and I didn’t even think about the influence he had on the company that I took control for five years. Funny how a man can have such influence even as he’s already a runaway criminal. 

They never blamed me. Ako ang nagpasok sa sarili ko sa sitwasyon na iyon, and even if I reason out with myself whenever I look at the mirror, I know that they’ll never blame me. I’d get to play the victim card with this incident for as long as I’d get to live, and Kihoon must be rolling in his grave.  

Or wherever they dumped his corpse in, I don’t care.  

Whenever I look at the mirror, I can see the scars I’ve gotten from that accident. Sa legs ko, sa mga kamay ko, on my arms and forearms and everywhere that wasn’t covered by my clothes at the time or wasn’t cut by the surgeons that worked with me at the time. I want to cover it. I need to cover it. I know I need to cover it with anything—tattoos? Can that even work?  

Anything to cover it with.  

Papayag kaya si Jimin sa gusto kong gawin?  

When I open my eyes, I can see him. Hovering in front of me when I’m lying down in bed, and even if he’s not strangling me with his hands I can feel like I am choking to death. Sometimes, I wake up with him hovering over Jimin, grinning at me even with the gunshot wounds on his head and his chest and everywhere Ate Taeyeon shot him on. Blood... Endless blood flows down from his wounds, and no matter how hard I try to move, hindi ko magawa.  

I am paralyzed. Like in that comatosed state, I can’t move. I can hear everything but I can’t move. Rinig na rinig ko ang pag-iyak ni Jimin sa tabi ko habang “tulog” ako sa kwarto na iyon. I can’t even breathe on my own, what the . I could feel it. The tube down my throat, and I am afraid that they’d take it off if time passes soon enough.  

I was afraid to die.  

I didn’t think about it in the moments where I was too close to dying, but it wasn’t until I was stuck in that almost permanent state that I felt fear settle upon my veins with the thought of permanently being stuck there, or them pulling the plug on me because I am not exactly making it easy for all of them waiting on me.  

And I’m not going to blame them, of course.  

I wouldn’t blame them or anyone else if they quit. If they surrender to the fight and just let me be, because it was my fault in the first place. I am the one who put myself in danger. I am the one who had put them all in that situation. I killed Kihoon. I killed my father. I’m the reason why Jeno doesn’t have a father anymore, because I put him in that ed up situation where he had to sacrifice himself just to keep me safe— 

“Minjeong?”  

I haven’t been sleeping well. Nahalata na siguro ni Jimin na wala ako sa tabi niya tuwing gabi, and I just come back to her side kapag mag-uumaga na.  

“You should go back to sleep,” mahina kong sabi habang nakabalot sa katawan ko yung spare na kumot sa kwarto namin ni Jimin sa bahay—it smells like her, and it makes me calm down a little whenever I can’t sleep or whenever I wake up from a nightmare again. “You’re starting work with Chaewon bukas, ‘di ba? You don’t wanna be late. My cousin gets cranky whenever anyone gets late—”  

“You’re not sleeping well every night, are you?”  

Hindi na ako sumagot sa kanya. Naramdaman ko nalang na umupo siya sa tabi ko, at wala na siyang sinabi na kahit ano habang nakatingin ako sa mga tala na nakapalibot sa langit.  

Naramdaman ko nalang na inakbayan niya ako at isinandal niya yung ulo ko sa balikat niya. Malamig ang simoy ng hangin ngayong gabi, at kinuha niya yung kamay ko tapos ipinatong niya iyon sa mga hita niya. She interlaces her fingers with mine, and she caresses a scar on my fingers with her thumb in a steady rhythm I can’t keep track of.  

“You should try to sleep. You’re going to be tired because of this—”  

“I can’t,” mahina kong sabi, at inilayo ko yung sarili ko sa kanya. “Jimin, h-hindi ko kaya. I can’t... I’m afraid that I’d see him again. Jimin, I can’t just—”  

“Pero hindi naman pwede yung ganito lang. Minjeong, your body needs rest. It’s going to shut down before you know it and it’s another visit to the hospital—”  

“Then a visit to the hospital it is. I don’t care, okay? So just... Go and sleep. Okay lang ako.”  

Nakatitig lang si Jimin sa akin. Naramdaman kong nakatitig lang siya sa akin habang nakaupo ako doon at pagkatapos ko siyang sungitan, pero hindi ko mahanap sa sarili ko na icomfort siya ngayon. I can’t... How can I, when I feel so ty like this?  

“You hate that place, Minjeong. How can you just...”  

“I don’t hate that place. Stop putting words in my mouth, wala naman akong sinabi na ganun.”  

“Minjeong, I am not fighting with you—”  

“Jimin, matulog ka na.”  

She pushes herself into me slightly, and my first instinct is to let her. Even with the warring thoughts in my mind, I let her. Hinayaan ko siyang gawin iyon, and she sinks herself into my side. She holds my hand again, and I let her.  

“Let’s not fight, Minjeong. Sorry, I... I won’t fight. I won’t say anything about your sleep. Just... Hindi ako makakatulog ng nag-aaway tayo, okay?”  

“...okay.”  

For the first time since earlier, I look at her. She’s crying, and I use my thumb to wipe away the tears that fall upon her cheeks. She pushes her face right into my hand, and I put my hand on her waist to pull her closer towards me.  

“I’m sorry, Jimin. I... I don’t know what’s wrong with me, so please—”  

“Hush, baby. I understand. It was wrong of me to even assume something like that when I don’t know the full extent of what you’re feeling, okay? We can go to the hospital bukas after my shift sa cafe, okay? We can ask for prescriptions from the doctor so you can go to sleep.”  

I sighed at her. “People get addicted to those, ‘di ba? I don’t want to have a big temptation like that. I can’t make this harder for you than it should be, so no. Maybe... Maybe this is just a temporary thing, okay? Just... You have to sleep. Ang alam ko, maraming tao sa cafe in your shift times.”  

She pouted at me. Somehow, there is a second of clarity as I smile because of how she looks, and I place a small kiss on her cheek as she yawns while stretching her legs and feet, and I can’t help but copy her. Napahikab na din ako, at niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit.  

“If you can’t sleep, then can you please lie down next to me? Would that be okay...?”  

Nginitian ko siya.  

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter