CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN: SPECIAL CHAPTER #3

Love and Leave Me Behind

Minju opens the door and finds Chaewon in the most miserable state that she’s ever seen her in. Half of her wishes that she could just hug all of this girl’s worries away, but half of her knows that she can’t. 

Not when this girl wants someone else and not her. 

“Chaewon,” she calls out, but the girl doesn’t stir or even turn to look at her. “Chaewon, are you crying?” 

“No,” the girl whispers, but Minju could hear her sniffles and the awkward attempt to hide it by coughing once or twice. “H-Hindi ako umiiyak.” 

“Talaga ba?” medyo natatawang sabi ni Minju as she moved to pull Chaewon and turn her towards her, but the girl just stubbornly resists. “I know you, Chaewon. Kahit konti lang, kilala kita.” 

Chaewon turns towards Minju, her eyes red with tears that were still falling as Minju proceeded to wipe them for her, but the girl just swats away her hand. 

“Don’t,” matigas na sagot ni Chaewon as  she stares at Minju like she hates her—but oddly enough, Minju doesn’t believe that. “You’re going to hurt yourself if you do… that.” 

“Sinabi ko naman sa’yo na wala akong pakialam doon,” Minju says, a shaky sigh escaping her lips as she tried to wipe the girl’s tears again but Chaewon just. Wouldn’t. Let. Her. “Huwag mo na akong alalahanin, Chaewon—”

“But I care,” Chaewon says, and there is a sliver of hope that grows in Minju’s mind that breaks with the next sentence the girl says. “You’re my friend.” 

Friend? Minju thinks as she pulls her hand back, and Chaewon feels like she’s done something wrong. 

“Chaewon, I hate to tell you this but friends don’t kiss—”

“They do,” Chaewon says with a bitter smile. “They can.” 

“Talaga ba?” Minju says coldly, trying hard not to cry as she throws herself into another situation na alam niyang papaganahin nanaman niya ang katangahan niya. “Friends don’t do that—”

There is a blur between Minju seeing Chaewon move closer to her and the warm lips on hers, and once again Minju’s whole system is set on fire as she kisses back—how can she restrain herself even if it hurts when Chaewon had always been the one to kiss her first? 

“This is stupid,” Minju mutters as she pulls away only to remove the jacket she’s wearing and rushes forward to kiss her again. “This is stupid, Chaewon.” 

“Y-You like it anyway,” Chaewon stutters through shaky breaths and lightheadedness—Minju had apparently stolen her ability to breathe—she takes a second to push her away slightly, wanting to calm down even just for a moment. 

“Chaewon, you know who I like.” 

Minju’s gaze on Chaewon is burning—Chaewon feels like she’s about to get set on fire, or she already did—the intensity gets kicked up a thousand levels higher as Minju kisses her again, and they both just couldn’t get enough.  

“I don’t,” Chaewon says as she blinks through the hot tears that start falling again due to frustration and anger at herself and this situation—did she just start another chaos that she would want to run away from again?

“Would you care to remind me?” 

Minju doesn’t know what she’s doing—one moment she’s kissing the love of her life (who doesn’t love her back, we know that) and the next she’s storming out of the room with tears in her eyes, lipstick smudged that she didn’t even bother to wipe off as her ears are ringing with every word Chaewon just told her. 

“I just love kissing you,” she whispers as Minju pulls away again. “What do you say we do this often?” 

Putangina, Minju curses as she didn’t even bother to grab her jacket, and she doesn’t care anymore if she wakes the whole house up with the hurried steps she’s making just to get out of that place. 

Friends with benefits ang gusto? 

I know I’ve already stooped so low, but not like that…

“Minju!” she hears that girl shout, running after her. “Minju, teka lang!” 

“No,” Minju says, gritting her teeth as everything just dawned on her—those words drove the final nail on her heart, and it broke apart even though all she could think of is how sweet Chaewon’s lips taste and that she could throw it all away in one ing kiss that doesn’t even give her the hope anymore. 

“You love kissing me?” naiiyak na sabi ni Minju sa kanya. “Is that why you kissed me sa San Lorenzo, and now? You just want me for that?” 

“Minju, please.” 

“Bakit?” natatawang sabi ni Minju kahit na parang sinasaksak siya ng paulit sa puso niya with how Chaewon is looking at her right now. 

Afraid. 

Why do you look at me with such a strong fear in your eyes, Chaewon? 

“Hindi ba totoo?” 

“T-That’s just—”

“Just what?” hindi na mapigilan ni Minju na maibuhos ang lahat ng nararamdaman niya—Karina is wrong, she thinks. 

Siguro, hanggang dito na lang. 

“Another accident nanaman? You didn’t mean it nanaman? Ano, palagi nalang bang hindi mo alam ang gusto mo?” 

“Minju naman…” 

“Bakit, hindi ba totoo naman? You clearly don’t know what you want. You can’t just… You can’t string me around and play with me just because I like you so much. Aminado ako, mali na hinahayaan lang kitang gawin iyon sa akin ng paulit-ulit when alam ko naman na never mo akong magiging gusto—”

“And what if I do?” 

Another knife. Another hole in her heart. 

“Don’t say things you don’t mean,” natatawa niyang sabi as she walked away. “You just said it yourself, you’re never going to like me like that.” 

Chaewon watches as Minju walks away, but oddly enough there is no sadness in her heart even if she’s crying while hugging herself through the night’s winds, the coldness seeping through her bones as if reminding her of what she’s done. 

She’s going to come back, Chaewon’s mind whispers to her as she walks back to the house, figuring out that she’s just going to cause more pain if she chases after the girl tonight. 

She always does. 

Spoiler: she doesn’t. 

“Ah, yung magandang babae sa isa sa unit ko? Nako, umalis ng madaling araw, sinundo ata ng babae. Hyewon ata ang pangalan?” 

Chaewon almost drops the cup of coffee she’s holding as she hears that mula kay Aling Pasencia who is entirely oblivious about what happened to them the night before. 

Aling Pasencia is also oblivious to the fact that Chaewon is already trying hard not to cry as she hurriedly rushes out of the place—

The woman holds her wrist firmly, those frail but strong hands pushing a letter in her hands and tapping it twice.

"Iniwan niya sa'yo yan," nakangiting sabi ni Aling Pacing habang humihigpit na ang hawak ni Chaewon sa papel. "Alam niya ata na pupunta ka dito, ibinilin niya 'yan sa akin."

"...alam niyo po ba kung kelan siya babalik?"

"Hindi," malungkot na sagot nito as she points at the letter in the girl's hands. "Pero baka malaman mo kung kelan."

Chaewon finds a safe place to read the letter in what remains of Minju's room—she finds even just a sliver of the chaos in the girl's mind as she sees the upturned closets, clothes unluckily left behind—

She finds a place in the middle of the bunched up sheets on the bed, and Chaewon imagines Minju sitting here, writing this letter that she's about to open and read.

With a shaky breath, she smiles at the handwriting, then realizes one thing—

May nagbibigay sa akin ng lemon square na cheesecake right after lunch break. It always had the same message, but was always written new everyday—I know you like sweets, so enjoy! ang nakasulat so consistently that she keeps the post-its inside the bottom drawer of her desk.

One time, pagkatapos kong itapon yung wrapper ng cheesecake, I looked up to search for something out of the ordinary. Anything to clue me in, and I always remember that I found Kazuha staring at me, looking away pagkatapos namin magkatinginan sa mata.

She always liked lemon square cheesecake, yun ang alam ko—

Akala ko, siya yun.

Hindi ko naman naisip na dapat pala, sa katabi ko ako tumingin kasi nandun yung sagot kung sino.

The post-its aren't even with her anymore, but she still remembers every and how every letter was written, matching the same handwriting in the paper she's holding on for dear life right now.

Chaewon,

Sorry for the hurtful words I said. Nadala lang ako ng damdamin, and I didn't mean to hurt you pero I meant it when I said na I've had enough. I meant it when I said na wag mo na sana akong paasahin kung wala naman talaga.

Your what ifs are my personal hell kasi alam ko naman na never 'yon magkakatotoo. Your what ifs put me through the most painful torture possible, because I admit that I live to love you and I live searching for every possible way you'd love me back.

Nakakabaliw na makulong sa overthinking ko with how you're going to act around me the next time we meet. Would you kiss me again? Would you act indifferent? Would you say you want me here but then push me away the next?

I think