CHAPTER THIRTY ONE: SPECIAL CHAPTER #4

Lost Families, Lost Time

[ Jeno’s. ]

I’ve always asked my father for a younger sibling. 

It felt natural to me, taking care of someone younger than me and making sure that they are loved—it was that way with Jaemin even if he was just a year younger than me, and it felt natural with the younger kids na umiikot sa San Juan. 

I’ve always wished for it, but my father tells me na hindi pwede. 

Turns out, my mother almost died when she had me, and to have another child would mean another nine months of danger and she could die this time—my father did not want that. 

I did not want that as well, so I had to abandon my wish kahit na gustong gusto ko iyon. 

It was hard being an only child. 

I felt alone, most of the time. 

I felt lost—I didn’t know what to do, even if my father had always pressed me to do something with his life since he failed to do something with his. 

Deep down inside, all I wanted was to love. 

being loved back, I knew na hindi ko kinailangan iyon. 

I knew from a young age na I didn’t really care if things were reciprocated with me, or if the people I love didn’t love me back kasi alam ko naman na you can’t control that—

All I wanted was to love, but that changed when that girl moved in here. 

Karina Yoo is pretty. 

She’s beyond any and every girl I’ve ever seen—must be because she’s from another city, different from where I grew up? 

Siguro kasi bagong salta?

Siguro kasi there’s something with her that makes me want to know her more? 

I wanted her to love me back. 

I wanted her to see me as special as I see her, and I was even willing to go by hook or by crook to attain that—even if it was wrong. Even if it felt desperate. 

Even if I was going against what I believed at first, I wanted her more than that. 

Pero deep down inside, I knew na she had eyes for someone else—who was it, other than Minjeong Kim?

Hindi ko expect na ganun ang galit na mararamdaman ko that day. 

I felt like I was a child, getting his toy stolen—one moment I was fuming with anger while watching Minjeong go to the farm after bringing Karina inside Ate Seulgi’s house, and the next I was already throwing a punch. 

I was saying words I didn’t even mean, just to hurt her. 

I was throwing punch, after punch, after punch and it hurt me as much as I hurt her. 

Ako ba talaga ‘yon? 

Did I really do that? 

I did. 

I did that. 

I hurt someone because of these stupid feelings, and it didn’t take long to realize that. 

I wanted to say sorry to her. 

Gustong gusto kong kausapin si Minjeong that same day, tell her that I didn’t really mean those things and nadala lang ako ng damdamin ko pero the timing was wrong. 

My father knew about it, and I knew that he was deeply disappointed in me. 

Enough to punish me with the same violence and pain I did to others. 

Enough to lock me in the house for days to atone what I’ve done. 

Enough to make me wish that I didn’t exist anymore. 

It felt wrong.

Everything I did after that felt wrong, and I’ve always wondered why I felt repulsed by myself and I couldn’t remove that feeling even though I’ve atoned with the sin in my own ways. 

(Jeno didn't realize the reason for that until Taeyeon visited his father in San Lorenzo, after they moved—now, he understood it all.)

Then, the San Lorenzo trip. 

Tanggap ko naman na hindi ako maiinvite, especially with what I did, pero there’s a part of me that wanted to go to that trip to have fun with them, something na parang hindi ko na magagawa. 

I always regretted letting Jaemin in that day, when my father explicitly told me not to have visitors until he deemed my punishment adequate enough. 

Akala ko, hanggang dun na lang yung feelings niya kay Minjeong. Akala ko, hanggang admiration nalang iyon, just as what I wanted my feelings for Karina to become. 

Hindi pala. 

He told me na nagpost daw si Karina ng picture depicting her and Minjeong, pero hindi niya daw maipapakita sa akin iyon unless I log into my IG account and let me see for myself din kung ano yung picture. 

My complacent and reckless self did just that; I thought it was harmless, I didn’t have a phone after my father smashed it into smithereens, and on top of that my curiosity won over. 

So I did. 

Naglog-in ako sa phone niya, and I scrolled into Karina’s dump account to see that she indeed posted a picture of her and Minjeong Kim habang papunta sila sa San Lorenzo. 

Anyone could have connected the dots. 

Just like that, I knew that it was over. 

I knew na wala na akong laban. 

What for? I hurt Minjeong, and Karina already hates me for that. Ano pa ba ang dapat kong gawin kung hindi manahimik na lang?

Apparently, Jaemin didn’t think like that. 

Hindi ko alam na sinave pala niya yung login credentials ko sa phone niya, and he used the account I had with my name and my credentials on it to leak that photo to the press—just one DM to a nosy reporter, and the fire was ignited. 

My father didn’t even know about it until he heard the gossiping people sa San Juan about the issue, and I didn’t know it until my father told me, which was almost a month after the press con sa San Lazaro where it wa