Dread. Dead. 

Existential dread and death.

Emotions perfectly sum up how Yeri felt. She tried the machine, and now she regrets it.

 There is no point in turning back. It’s in the past now. We must keep moving forward. We could look back, but there is no use in dwelling in regrets or what ifs. You can’t change it. 

Time is a one directional dimension. It keeps moving forward. It is impossible to turn back time. You can’t. You just can’t. Physics is always there to make your life miserable.

Move forward. You have to. Follow the flow of time. You must. Even if it hurts. Even if you felt like giving up. It is the only way to continue living.

Time is indeed one directional. However, memories exist. The black ones, white ones, or the gray ones. Memories are there to cherish and to dwell on. The burning memories are present everywhere at the end of time.

Looking back, she wondered what would happen if she made the other choice. The choice of not being curious. Curiosity indeed killed the cat.

I have to endure this. This madness would eventually go away. I will be fine. It will be over. There’s no permanent thing in life. Right, nothing is permanent, even my happiness. Like now, it disappeared. It was gone. I was playing chase with Sooyoung unnie. Then it happened. Then it resorted to this. Everything is just temporary. Bound to be replaced. 

Almost 12 hours before, she was contemplating on the choice whether to do it or not. It’s not like I’ll lose anything if I tried it. Spoiler Alert: she lost something, her sanity.  At least if I tried, my curiosity will be satisfied. It was satisfying, in a bad way.

How should I ask Hayi about this? I guess I should just tell the truth, or at least half-truth. 

“So you want to try it because you think you’re lacking some memories?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that the only reason?”

“I’ll tell you the whole details after I try it. Like I said, I’m not yet sure whether I’m lacking memories, so I’m going to find out.”

“Okay suit yourself. “

The machine was delivered to the island using a truck. Not many people paid attention to it because Hayi always delivered machines to her house, and sent them back to a storage place she owned in the mainland if it gets too crowded or when she doesn’t have a use for it.

As usual, they head over to her basement. Of course, Jaehyun isn’t here. Why did I expect that he will be here?  Right, he leaked information and he’s out of this investigation.

Yeeun was able to transport Hyunggu again secretly. She became really careful this time ever since Wooseok caught him. Good thing that her brother is more forgiving. BI also came and he left Baekhyun in charge of guarding Jonghyun.

The whole team is ready. The machine was booted up. It was like a Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI), but in a different way. Unlike MRI, it doesn't read the information from the brain, but rather it works up the brain to remember something. 

Hayi made sure that Hyunggu was safe to use it. There are several procedures that must be followed first before doing it. As it requires radiation, other people, except the patient, must be away when the machine works. 

“Are you ready?” Yeeun asked him.

“I guess.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“If this would benefit you. I would gladly do it. You help me escape from that hell.”

“You did enough. You already provided a lot of information.”

“Let me provide some more.”

Hyunggu lied down then the machine started. The others went away from the machine due to the side effects of radiation. The process was quite long. It took more than thirty minutes for it to be finished. 

Alas it was done. Yeeun was the first one who approached him. 

“Be careful of the radiation.” Hayi warned her, but it was no use. She’s already there asking him.

“Do you remember something?”

He didn’t respond. He stared at her blankly.

“Give him some time first. He is probably disoriented and confused.”

“Okay fine. So I guess this is it. Once his memory recovers, we can use this against the org.”

“We could save a lot of trouble if you only told us what happened around six years ago.”

“Like I said, I don’t want to remember it. It was in the back of my mind before you reminded me again.”

“So now you’re sacrificing Hyunggu? What do you think will happen if he remembers it? Don’t you feel sorry for him once he remembers what truly happened that even made you traumatized?”

“It’s not only about that. We also need to find out how he ended up in the organization in the first place.”

“Don’t you think those memories are too painful for him?”

“Well it’s too late now. You should have mentioned it earlier.”

“I thought you cared about him.”

Hyunggu suddenly stood up and walked towards the outside.

“Where are you going?” Yeeun asked.

He didn’t respond.

“Follow him.” Hayi commanded.

And she did. 

“Now it’s up to you, Yeri.”

Do I really want this? I guess this is for the best, in order to know who I am. This to know all the answers I was looking for.

“Wait, what’s she gonna do?” BI asked.

“She asked to participate in this.”

“What?”

“She’s curious about her memories.”

“Yeri, what do you mean by that?”

“I think I might’ve forgotten things.”

“So you’ll also do it?”

Will I do it?

“Yeah I guess. I’m just making sure of something. There’s no harm in trying, right?”

“I hope so. But look at Hyunggu, he seems traumatized.”

I don’t think I have a worse past or something right?

Wrong.

“He’s only like that because he experienced something bad. I don’t think I have.”

“If I were you. I won’t do it.”

“Why are you preventing me?”

“I’m just concerned.”

“I will be fine. I promise. I’m just curious and all.”

“So are you ready?” Hayi asked.

“Aye aye Captain.”

“Look this is no Spongebob. So are you sure about this? No turning back.”

“Nope.”

“I’m giving you a chance since I failed to do this to Hyunggu earlier.”

Hyunggu. I wonder what he knows. What did he remember to make him like that? Or perhaps the machine malfunctioned? What if the opposite happened or something? What if it erased his memories instead?

“I’ll do it.”

“No regrets?”

“No regrets.”

If Yeri had a moment that she regrets the most, it is this one. This is the right moment here. She regretted not following to BI. She regretted not turning back. 

The danger of information. Hazardous information. Something like Roko’s Basilisk, except that that information will make you question your existence. The information regarding your existence. How you were created in existence. Where did you grow up.  And what made you like this.

A life changing information. Something that you would be better off not knowing. An information that would bother you. It would keep you awake at night, it would haunt your dreams. It would keep you from doing tasks. You won’t function, you’ll malfunction.

 She would be glad if she didn’t know this. But it happened. It did. She now knows. Slowly, but surely. Memories are coming back. The innocence of her mind, like a petal of daisy, slowly withers. 

By the time the process was finished, she was able to remember several of them. Several life-changing memories. Not all of her memories came back in an instant. Several came back, slowly but surely. 

Slowly, but surely. She tries to process it, but it burns. It is burning. The memories are burning. It’s burning her head. Burning her sanity. 

“Yeri are you ok?” BI asked.

Am I? Am I Yeri? 

She nodded.

Right, I am Yeri. I am now Yeri.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

She nodded again.

“Alright, if you say saw. Let’s come upstairs to eat first.”

Hayi gave her water to drink, while BI prepared a pancake to eat.

“Where’s Yeeun and Hyunggu by the way?” BI asked.

“Wait, I’ll call her.” Hayi said.

A phone rang somewhere in the house.

“Oh their just here.”

Yeeun came from the direction of the bathroom.

“Where’s Hyunggu?”

“In the bathroom. I don’t know what he’s doing. He probably suffered from his memories.”

“Ask him if he wanted to eat.”

“Okay.”

Yeeun left to check up on Hyunggu. BI then finished cooking pancakes.

“Yeri are you really okay?” He asked again.

Again, she nodded.

“You didn’t lose your voice did you?”

She tried to say something, but voice came out weakly.

“No.” It was a faint voice. 

Upon recognizing the tone of her voice, Hayi knew something was wrong.

“Eat this then take a rest.”

She nodded again, and began to eat. A little while later, Yeeun came back with Hyunggu. He is still lost in his thoughts. Just like Yeri, but at least she responded even a little.

“Yeri are you ok?” Yeeun asked her since she didn’t know about her being in the machine. Of course, she nodded again.

“Yeeun, let’s talk later.” Hayi said.

“About what?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

Their short snack ended and BI walked Yeri to her house. There she absent-mindedly walked towards her room. Now she is alone to process her thoughts, her memories. The burning memories.

these damn memories. I’ve been deceived, by my brother, my parents and everyone around me.

All along I was right. This is my place. I belong here. I grew up here. I am indeed the so-called missing daughter. I was from here all along. I played games with my brother, probably the current earliest memory I could remember. There will be more to come, more pain to come. I’ll deal with these later. I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. For now, I’ll sort out my memories first.

Earliest one was playing a mobile game with my brother. The real one, Kim Junmyeon. He really is my brother. That means the picture he showed at the acquaintance party was really me. And also the reason why I was chosen even though I’m a stranger to them. But no, I’m not a stranger to them. They just need an excuse to bring me here. 

 But why? Why did I lose my memory? Why did they trick me into believing that I was a different person? To make someone believe that I was dead? The organization? Right, they need a convincing actress. Funny how I did that to Minjeong just yesterday. Now I realize I was an actress all along. Acting as someone who isn’t from here. I was from here. I grew up here. 

I am from this place. I went to the same school as Jaehyun and his other friends. Koeun was really my closest friend. We hang out a lot. I Skipped classes, went to the beach instead. Jaehyun was also a close friend. He is our neighbour. We met fairly often, and then we became close.