"What in the world?" I stand in the kitchen of my Aunt Sylvia's restaurant, and I am out done!

I drop my luggage and look at my mother. "What in the world mom?"

I open one of the ovens and the door literally falls off the hinges and almost hit my foot.

"Whoa this kitchen is a total disaster and totally unsafe!" How is this kitchen even still running it should have been shut down months ago?

I look around at the crumbling wallpaper and peeling paint on the ceiling and I am so upset.

"How has Aunt Sylvia been cooking in here?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose; I feel the migraine coming on already.

"So, the money that Amanda took was put back to fix this?"

"I know baby, it looks really bad."

"No mom it IS really bad, it is actually worse than bad do you know that if the health inspector was to come in here now, they'd shut her all the way down?"

"And you know as well as I do that if that happened that could be the death of a restaurant, no matter how good the food is."

"I know baby I know that is why I asked you to come home, please I know how you feel about this whole thing but do it for me ok."

I sigh and sit down on the counter.

"The only reason I am here is because of you I know that sounds harsh considering Aunt Sylvia is your sister, but I haven't spoken to her in so long I don't know how I even feel about all this."

"I know Anastacia, but you got to forgive her and let the past go, it's been nineteen years ok."

"Mom, look I just don't want to be here, the memories of being back her are not good for me what do you not understand about that?"

"I have no desire to be here longer than necessary." I add.

"I don't understand, I just don't know why you hate it here so much?" She asks clearly exasperated.

"Mom I don't want to get into that right now I am exhausted can you just drive me to my rental please?"

She mumbles under her breath but grabs 2 of my bags and heads to the door.

I roll my eyes and take one last look at the kitchen.

What in the world have I gotten myself into?

I exhale harshly grab my bags and walk out the door behind her.

When I get in the car, I can tell she is upset, and I ignore it I have been up since 2 am having worked twelve hours filming then getting on a plane and coming directly here.

I am so beyond tired.

We drive for about twenty minutes before we pull up to my short-term rental condo.

We grab my luggage and walk to the unit.

I have already signed my lease and paid-up front for six months; my keys were delivered to mom three days ago.

Luckily, I found a great place that is more like a corporate rental it comes fully furnished, with linens, towels, dishes, utensils, glasses I mean literally everything I can just walk in unpack and lay down.

I actually purchased all new bedding, linens, towels and pillows I know they provide everything but I am about things I sleep on I want to know everything has been washed throughly so I washed everything and sent it a week ago to mom's house.

She had already been there and put everything away and cleaned house, "disenfected the bed and put on all my new crisp clean bedding so all I have to do is crash.

We come to the unit, and I unlock the door and walk in it is so beautiful the pictures did it no justice at all.

Even momma had to admit it was beautiful inside although begrudgingly.

"I don't know why you had to get this place and spend all that dang money; you could have just stayed with me I have plenty of room in my house."

"With Aunt Sylvia and Amanda's children living there?"

"At least Xavier helps you with the kids and is going to school, but he has his dad to fall back on I feel for the other children.

"No ma'am I did not come all the way here to sleep on your couch mom."

"Oh, so now the couch isn’t good enough for you anymore? When did you become so seditty?" I roll my eyes and scoff.

"Roll your eyes at me again and see won't I slap you so hard they will stay rolled back."

"I am serious you have changed."

"Good I because I needed to change, the old Anastacia never spoke up for herself and got used up and hurt all the time.''

"And you wonder why I don't want to come home." I reply.

"What is that supposed to mean?''

"It means why did you take them into your home and let them destroy it!"

"When daddy died, and we lost the house we couldn't move in with her because Aunt Sylvia's boyfriend didn't like you."

"Come to find out he never said that he told her to let you come and she was the one who lied on him."

"We struggled for six years living on food stamps, welfare. living in the projects while you put yourself through nursing school and now you have accumulated some nice things and you let them come in and tear it up."

"I will never understand you." I say quietly.

She just looks at me with the saddest expression I have ever seen on her face.

"You got to let it go baby girl."

I shrug I thought I had to but as soon as I got in from the airport and went to mom's I saw them laying all around her house and I saw red.

I didn't even stay long enough to speak I grabbed my stuff and ran out of there. It was like the air was out of me.

"We lived in a roach infested apartment while she lived it up and now she's sick so she's laying on you in her time of need."

"Even worse after what went down concerning the restaurant who is here overseeing the renovations and taking care of everything?"

"Me the one who she discarded like yesterday's garbage." I say feeling hurt I thought I had long forgotten.

I got to get the heck outta here as soon as possible.

"You have to let the past go baby girl and ask God to help you to forgive. We can't do anything by ourselves but with his grace we can."

"Mom you’re right I haven't completely let the past go and that is why I didn't want to ever come back here."

"I don't want to be reminded of how it was back then."

"But because you asked me to come, I am here."

"Thank you, baby, all I ask is that you help me get through this remodel and reopening and then we can hire a chef so Sylvia can retire with peace of mind."

"Mom you are better to her then she's ever been to you, she does not deserve a sister like you."

"Baby you have been gone almost two decades your Aunt has changed you'd know that if you ever responded to her letters or picked up when she called you."

"If you say so mom, has anyone heard from Amanda?"

My mother's expression turned sour at the mention of her name.

"No, the last we heard she was in Costa Rica with her latest boyfriend, I still can't believe she would do this to her mother."

I can I think to myself.

Amanda Elise Alexander my Aunt Sylvia's only child is 3 years older than me.

When I was younger, she put the moon and stars in the sky in my eyes, but as we got older she changed and not for the better.

She was always a beautiful girl but she got even better looking as we got to be teenagers.

Where I was short and chubby, she was tall and lean.

Where I had a head full of disgruntled curls that rioted out in every direction Amanda got her hair pressed every Friday and it fell in a silk curtain down to her waist.

She was my older cousin I loved her, so I never felt an ounce of jealousy towards her.

I thought it was me and her against the world until that terrible day I found out otherwise.

I used to be in the kitchen with Aunt Sylvia every chance I got.

I loved to cook, bake, and create recipes that people loved.

By the time I was thirteen I was my aunt’s sous chef working every day after school and all day on Saturdays.

If I could have worked on Sundays, I would have to that's how much I loved it.

But momma drew the line and said, "My baby ain't working on the Sabbath that is the Lord’s Day."

My dream was to take over Auntie’s restaurant after going to culinary school in Paris.

We had made plans I worked for the experience, and she gave me an allowance and took most of the money that would have been my salary and put in a saving account to pay for school and my room and board. I had already looked up everything and knew down to the penny how much it would cost.

My mom and Aunt Sylvia had a good relationship unless Aunt Sylvia had a man then she was rude and short all the time.

Momma being her baby sister only wanted to be with her, but she wasn't having it.

We found out later that one of her ex's liked momma and was using Aunt Sylvia to get to mom.

It's not like he had a chance mom and dad we're happily married momma didn't even much look at another man the whole 10 years they were married.

So, after that every time Aunt Sylvia got a new boo, she went ghost on us.

You would think she would be mad at the ex-right but no it was always momma flaunting herself in front of her man.

Momma would say "Don't nobody want a pork chop when I have filet mignon at home."

I chuckle at the memory, but the truth of the matter is Aunt Sylvia just picked trifling men from the jump.

I never judged Aunt Sylvia on her ways because I just loved her so much. It is true about love hiding a multitude of sins.

Besides momma knew how to handle her so I never had to come to her defense.

I just took as that is how she was, and old people are set in their ways.

Even though at this point she was a whole thirty-six years old at the time the same age I am today.

That seemed so old to me back then.

I had just turned sixteen and started slimming out I had finally talked mom into letting me get a silk press, so my hair was just as long as Amanda's at this point.

I had developed s it seemed overnight I was oblivious as to why I had started getting lots of male attention.

In my eyes I was still fat but how we see ourselves is not how other people see us.

I had just left my yearly physical after finding out I had lost over 50 pounds.

I still have big thighs in my opinion, but I was new to consistent exercise so a 50 plus pound weight loss was so exciting to me.

My best friend Josh had been working out with me and teaching me to box and having the support kept me accountable.

We met in choir in the 4th grade and had become fast friends.

I had always been musically inclined singing and playing the piano since I was five.

Momma believed that every young lady should know how to play the piano.

So as my voice got stronger, I got put the front to sing solos and perform at church a lot.

I struggled with crippling anxiety all through this time and it came to a peak when I auditioned and got into the gifted music program.

I was so happy to get in and so scared at the same time. I sat down and cried to Josh about my fears, and he consoled me.

He wiped away my tears and laid my head on his shoulder and I will never forget what he said.

"If I could sing as good as you, I'd never shut up."

“I'd walk around singing the ABC'S, I'd sing the comics in the Sunday paper, and I would literally sing my homework.

"People would get sick of me singing all the time."

By the time he was done talking to me I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt.

"Anytime you have a solo just look at me until your nerves go away and then kill it like I know you can ok."

"K."

I had long harbored secret feelings for Josh.

No one knew except Amanda because I told her everything.

He was gorgeous! Very tall with a cafe au lait complexion due to his Korean and Puerto Rican heritage.

He had the most beautiful light brown eyes and a head of curly jet-black hair so thick and luminous.

I often imagined myself running my fingers through it.

My Knick name growing up was Pudge because I was chubby as a kid and I hated it with a passion.

He heard Amanda calling me that one day and took to calling me by the name too only when he said I got butterflies in my stomach like it was a term of endearment.

One day a few weeks ago we were coming back from swimming he said "We are going to have to figure out a new knick name for you."

I was so clueless and naive I couldn't see anything that was right in front of me.

"Why? I asked.

He reached out and grabbed my waist and pulled me close to his side.

I stopped breathing for a minute.

"Because you are losing so much weight look your shorts are so lose in the waist where they used to fit."

He grabbed the waist of my shorts and pulled the fabric out.

"See."

I never even noticed it. I reach down and grab the belt loop shocked!

I beamed at him; I couldn't be happier in that moment even if he had kissed me!

I was so excited to tell everyone about my weight loss that I didn't even notice all the tension in the room as I walked in.

I hear Aunt Sylvia crying hysterically in her office and I look to see what's going on.

As I walk to her office, she emerges looking stressed and upset.

Amanda and mom sitting at the table quiet as church mice.

Mom looked sad Amanda looked defiant.

"What's going on?" I asked.

I walk over to Aunt Sylvia to comfort her s