~ Fall, Two Years Ago ~

Dr. Song lost a patient two days ago. The patient was a pregnant woman and she wasn't able to survive after delivering her baby. The three of us, me, Wheein, and Hyejin, decided to cheer up the old man.

He’s really not that old yet but Wheein and Hyejin kept on calling him that and I guess it got into me too.

We’re fully aware how it’s difficult for doctors to lose a life while under his/her care. Simplicity is something I realized all four of us had in common, so I suggested we invite him over a simple lunch in the hospital food court. The emotional support is something that’s most important in this situation.

In the food court, Wheein and I were sitting beside each other. Hyejin was across from me and Dr. Song was beside her. Food spread on our table in front of us. We were expecting a crestfallen Dr. Song but what came on our table was a smiling one. We eyed each other, questioning ourselves if what we’re actually seeing is true, then eyed Dr. Song altogether.

“This is making me worry more” Wheein whispered beside me.

I stared at Dr. Song who was talking animatedly to a worried Hyejin and whispered back to Wheein, “Me too. I mean, we should be glad that he’s smiling, right?” I turned my head, looked at Wheein and said, “But he’s uncharacteristically happy”

“Wheein!” Dr. Song called suddenly, which ended our conversation as we whipped our heads at him.

While Dr. Song was talking to Wheein, I looked at Hyejin across me and mouthed, “What happened? What’s wrong? Why does he look so happy?”

She raised both of her eyebrows and shook her head, looking equally lost and worried as me.

“Yong!” I whipped my head at him, feeling all so nervous because it felt like he’s doing a roll call on all of his kids. Like he’s trying to find out who’s at fault and who’s not telling the truth.

I gulped and nodded my head at him. “Yes” I answered him, my voice shaking a little bit from both worry and nervousness.

He nodded at my food, pointed at it with his spoon, and asked, “Why aren’t you eating? You look so thin already. Is Wheein not feeding you at all?”, his eyes scanning my face.

I picked up my spoon immediately and hurriedly answered, “Oh, no. I’m fine, Dr. Song. And I’m not thinning at all. I’m maintaining my weight perfectly. Don’t worry”

He nodded his head, seemingly satisfied, and went back to eating his food. The three of us eyed each other once again but decided to let it pass, for now, and reluctantly ate our food in worry and nervousness for Dr. Song.

Lunch was silent but pretty tense. All three of us continued to worry about Dr. Song’s emotional well-being while Dr. Song continued to eat, either not sensing or ignoring the present tension on the table.

When we were done with lunch, Dr. Song pulled out his phone and said, “I wanted to show you all something”

We all looked at him and waited as he scrolled and tapped on his phone. Hyejin was trying to peek at his phone screen, her eyebrows scrunching as she concentrated on what was on Dr. Song’s phone.

“Remember my patient who died after giving birth to her baby?” he asked while still trying to find something from his phone.

Oh no, here we go. Hopefully, he won’t break down in front of us. Hopefully, he’ll be okay.

He smiled so wide and turned his phone to show us something from it. “Look at the baby! Isn’t she so cute?” he exclaimed, showing us a baby picture, which apparently belonged to the woman who passed away.

I leaned on the table and squinted my eyes as I looked at it closer. The baby’s eyes were closed and she looked so small. Her small hands were right below her chin and were closed tight in small fists. Her lips were pouting a little, just like how Wheein usually sleeps. The baby is honestly the cutest I have ever seen, and I was unconsciously smiling so wide when I saw her picture.

I hastily stood up and asked Hyejin, “Hyej, can we change seats? I’d like to have a closer look”. I shooed her out of her seat and asked Dr. Song, “Do you still have more pictures of her?”

Hyejin and I changed seats and I sat beside Dr. Song just as he smiled at me and said excitedly, “I do! Isn’t she so cute?”

I smiled and nodded my head while we both cooed and looked at the baby pictures in his phone. I was leaning my head on his shoulder and unconsciously pinching his arm, and was also probably restless on my seat, every time he showed a new picture of the baby.

“Her father didn’t show up to all appointments of her mother and when she was also delivered. Now, I’m planning to adopt her,” he declared out of nowhere.

I saw Hyejin and Wheein, from my peripheral view, whipped their heads at him. Both faces were full of shock, while I looked at Dr. Song with pure excitement.

“Is this the reason why you are so happy?” Wheein asked. At the same time, Hyejin pouted and grumbled, “Are you replacing us already?”

I just clapped my hands, really happy and excited for him, and said, “That’s so good! I’d like to see her too”

Dr. Song ignored Wheein and Hyejin and looked at me with a huge smile on his face, “You want to see her?!”

I nodded my head vigorously and said, “I do! I do!”

He smile got wider as he ruffled my hair and said, “I’ll show her to you tomorrow”

“I’d love that” I said excitedly as I fixed the hair that he destroyed from his ruffling.

The next day, since I wanted to see the baby, I decided to meet Wheein at the hospital before we’ll go home together. I was so excited that I think I was skipping on my way to her office. A huge smile was glued on my face the whole time, even on my way to the comfort room. I went to the comfort room first to wash my hands before I went inside Wheein’s office, my smile never dropped and never went away.

When I went inside Wheein’s office, the first thing I noticed was Dr. Song standing in the middle with a bundle of cloth in his hands. I ran to Wheein’s table, dropped my purse, then went in front of Dr. Song.

“Is this her?” I asked him, smiling so wide at him before glancing at the baby.

“It is” he responded in a whisper. Despite the lowness of his voice, you can definitely detect the joy in it.

“Hello” I whispered to the baby, looking down and smiling at her.

“Have you washed your hands?” Dr. Song asked and I nodded at him. “Okay, sit on that bench and I let you carry her”

I immediately sat down on the bench across Wheein’s table and waited for Dr. Song to pass me the baby. I wetted my lips and gulped because the thought of holding a baby made me so nervous. A million questions ran inside my head; what if I’ll drop her? What if I squeezed her too hard? What if she’ll cry? What would I do then? I closed my eyes to breathe hard and calm myself down before I’m going to mess this up.

I faced Dr. Song who’s walking towards me and nodded my head at him.

“Be careful with her head, okay?” he whispered before leaning down to pass the baby to me.

“Okay” I breathed out.

We carefully maneuvered our arms and hands before Dr. Song handed me the baby. I made a cocoon in my arms then held her tiny head before I positioned it on my arm while I was holding my breath the whole time. And I think the only time I breathed again was when Dr. Song extracted his hands away from me.

“Now relax, Yong” he whispered before he finally pulled away.

I ever so slowly leaned my back on the wall and eyed the baby the whole time, making sure that she’s not disturbed. I’m just making sure that she’s not showing any signs of distress or uncomfortability in my arms.

“Hello… ” I whispered to her sleeping face. I could just honestly look at her forever.

“You can rock her gently, Yong. And try not to be stiff. Relax” I heard Dr. Song suggested to me.

“Okay” I whispered, slowly relaxing and gently rocking the baby on my arms. “You’re so cute, baby” I whispered to her.

The baby was just silent and sleeping the whole time she was in my arms, and I was smiling and cooing the whole time too. At some point, I started to panic when the baby was moving in my arms. I looked at Dr. Song, raised my eyebrows at him, as if asking for help. But he just chuckled at me and shrugged his shoulders. I went back to looking at the squirming baby in my arms and tried to calm my panicked heart. I sat straighter on my seat and was rocking her softly, hopefully it’ll help her relax on my hold.

I smiled so wide and laughed at her softly when she opened her tiny mouth and yawn. “She just yawned,” I announced excitedly, still looking down at the baby.

There were movements somewhere in between the cloth that covered her middle, so I reached and opened it, freeing her hands out.

It looked smaller up close than in the pictures.

She shifted in my arms and moved , which surprised me because she has the exact same dimple like Wheein’s. A single dimple on her right cheek.

I smiled so wide and looked at Wheein across from me, who was