Junmyeon is pissed when they return home. Rightfully so. They practically abandoned him. Beside him, Sehun looks thoroughly amused. Noeul knows she's in trouble, but at the very least, the smile on Sehun's face relieved her.

The house is now clear of people, and it’s just Junmyeon who sits on the armchair with his arms crossed. He fixes his sharp eyes between the two of them, drawing conclusions of his own.

Their swollen lips must tell a different story. He must think they snuck off to hook off somewhere.

With a sweep of his hands, Junmyeon directs the two of them to the couch directly across from him.

Noeul and Baekhyun shuffle to the couch, feeling a lot like a couple of troublemaking teenagers.

He clears his throat, addressing the first thought that they assumed. “I’m not mad.”

Baekhyun blinks, confused. “You’re not?”

“Disappointed,” Junmyeon responds unhappily.

Noeul diverts her eyes. “We’re sorry.”

“What would Luhan say if he saw the two of you sneak off like some teenagers at his memorial service?”

Baekhyun answers, “probably make a ual joke and call us es.”

Sehun tsks. “Or he'll ask why you didn't invite him. He'll call it an of death or some sort.”

Noeul snorts out a laugh which tumbles into a full-blown laugh. She finds all of this too funny. Being lectured by her former high school teacher about .

Baekhyun and Sehun join her, and they stop when Junmyeon clears his throat, looking slightly irritated.

“Do you know how embarrassing it was to call you two up for a speech and find out that you idiots left?”

Noeul hums, “glad I wasn’t there.”

He shoots her a glare.

Sehun grins. “The best part was hearing the complete silence.” His brother elbows him, shooting a stern look at the former.

Then, Baekhyun responds, “we won’t do it again.”

Junmyeon rolls his eyes. “Well, I sure hope not. I also hope that no one else dies any time soon.”

Noeul smiles. So does Baekhyun. Sehun has a homely expression, one that further relieves her. Because she's glad he's okay. And finally, Junmyeon breaks into his own smile. It’s comforting. Like the calm of a storm.

“I’m sorry for being out of it,” Junmyeon confesses. “His death was hard on all of us, but it was truly a crushing blow. I let it distract me from what was important. To cherish what’s left of us. He left us behind, interconnected for reason, right?”

Noeul and Baekhyun are silent as they soak in every word. It resonates inside of Noeul, and there’s a clarity that she hasn’t felt perhaps ever in her life.

“Will you guys take his ashes with you? I think he might find the Pacific ocean a nice change from here,” Junmyeon says.

Noeul sighs, “he’ll be pissed we didn’t spread his ashes in Malibu.”

Baekhyun shrugs. “Well, he shouldn’t be so ungrateful. He’s getting Ocean Beach.”

Sehun snorts. “Just watch. He'll haunt our asses.”

“Do we know the same Luhan?” Junmyeon jokes. The four of them exchange a nostalgic smile.

Noeul bites down on her bottom lip, and then she asks, “what are you going to do now?”

Junmyeon hums with his chest. There’s uncertainty in his movements. But then he says, “I think I’ll quit teaching.”

Baekhyun tilts his head. “And do what?”

“I don’t know,” Junmyeon murmurs. “I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to the high school. There’s too much of him there. And he made me promise him that I would do something that would, in his words—not mine, blow his ing brains out.”

Noeul snickers. “That sounds like him.”

Junmyeon smiles at this, his eyes peering into the distance. “When are you both leaving?”

Baekhyun and Noeul exchange a look. “Tomorrow morning,” Baekhyun answers. “We have finals starting this week.”

Noeul thinks of returning to her other life, but it’s not so much the thought that scares her. Noeul is still Noeul. She may have different faces. She may be imperfect. And she may resort to running away when things get tough.

But all the minuscule pieces of her, no matter how ty of a person she was, was still Noeul. Accepting it would be the start to loving herself.

Noeul was going to live like Luhan told her to. If she started to sink, she would remind herself that it wasn’t just her she was living for. It was for her best friend. She was one of the people that held the most important parts of Luhan. He gave her those important things for safekeeping. Cherished memories.

Family.

The four that remained were still connected in ways that couldn’t be severed by anything. Noeul was fooling herself when she thought she could sever the cord with Baekhyun. It wasn’t as simple.

He was someone she shared the memories of Luhan with. Dating or not, she would no longer reduce her life down to before.

That wasn’t living. It was enduring. She would no longer endure. She was going to steal the next breath and then the next. She was going to take back the things that were taken from her.

Starting from the idea of family. She had them right there in front of her. The saying “blood is thicker than water” meant more than genetics. People often forget that the full saying was “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” meaning the exact opposite.

One thing that she was grateful for, and maybe to an outsider, it was sawdust compared to the things stolen from her, but no—to her, it was more than that. It was meeting them.

Baekhyun, Sehun, and Junmyeon.

She didn’t lose everyone. She definitely didn’t lose Luhan completely. He was still here. Just maybe not in front of her physically. But these two embodied him in spirit.

Noeul takes both of their respective hands, squeezing. Then, she says, “every year on his anniversary, we meet back here.”

The three of them look at her, agreement swirling in their eyes.

And then she says loud and clear so there’s one less regret to worry about, “I love you all. Thank you for saving me.”

###

As soon as the plane lands, Baekhyun and Noeul gather their luggage and the metal container of Luhan’s ashes.

They take a taxi to the beach from the airport, and weirdly, unlike in movies, the sky is clear and sunny. In fact, the sun was high up in the sky, gleaming above their heads.

The warmth of the sun feels like being pat in the back. Noeul finds comfort in that, and she watches the scenery blur around her as the car weaves through traffic.

Baekhyun doesn’t say much the entire time. To be fair, they were both tired and jet-lagged. But more than that, it was the act of what they were responsible for today. This wasn’t an easy task. It felt like letting go of the only tangible thing they had left of Luhan.

A brother and a best friend.

But Noeul reminds herself that he exists in memory. That she can always find tangibility in intangibilities.

The sand is soft underneath their feet. The two of them leave their things in heaps above the cement stairs before they lead down to the sand and the rest of the beach.

Noeul and Baekhyun chose a secluded part. It was a private moment, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Spreading the ashes was a strange feeling. It really wasn’t physical, more personal in that regard. She thought of the dark jokes that Luhan would’ve made, and this thought kept her from growing too sad. She hopes that he’s happy and pain-free wherever he is.

She hopes that he’ll think of them from time to time because she knows that she will.

Or maybe not.

Smiling mysteriously, Noeul peers to observe Baekhyun’s face. He’s utterly calm, kind of like he found peace in the midst of this.

He meets her eyes and smiles. There’s a touch of sadness, but this one’s beautiful. It reaches his eyes. It’s completely genuine and dispatches happy ripples within her.

At this moment, Noeul reaches an understanding within herself as well. She realizes something very important at this moment, and the only thing she frets is how long it takes.

How would she deliver this news to him?

Noeul inwardly thanks Luhan for his advice. She gets a surge of courage. It’s strange to feel so driven in a cryptic, sort of sentimental moment. But she feels it. A hell lot of it.

Finally, Noeul realizes that maybe it wasn’t about how her life would go. It wasn’t truly about burdening anyone. Everyone had burdens that they were afraid of putting on others, but it took strength to overcome that fear.

Love wasn’t a magical cure to everything. Just realizing that you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean that the story ends there with a happily ever after.

Regardless, time continues flowing. Noeul already swore that she would live selfishly, so what was stopping her from being with Baekhyun?

When she really racks her brain for the answer, there isn’t one. Not one that isn’t filled with excuses anyway.

She can sit here and argue about the sensibility of protecting his feelings. Or maybe preventing the hurt that will happen somewhere down the line.

But Noeul comes to the realization that it isn’t her job. He’s not a little boy who’s incapable of making the right decisions. Whatever decision he made was his.

Just as much as her decisions were true to her.

If he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and she did the same, then maybe the answer was simpler than she thought.

Maybe the answer was to deal with those adversities when they came. Because fretting about them before they even happened?

That was wasting time. Time that Noeul could be happy.

Spending those weeks beside Baekhyun, despite half of them being dreadful, Noeul has never felt more at peace. All it took was to stop fighting with herself.

She always felt that it was a little ridiculous when people tell you to follow your heart. It sounded so cheesy and out of touch. Especially when those decisions lead to bad nights and thorny roads.

Simply put, there were no better words to encase how she felt at this moment. Noeul is reeling in her decision, but she finds herself unable to say anything.

It didn’t feel right. This moment wasn’t about her. The coolness of the metal in her fingertips brings her back to reality for a split second, and she takes a deep breath.

Baekhyun turns to her, and at this moment, asks, “you ready to go?”

Noeul nods, and they leave. But she leaves with a new spirit, and it’s definitely not the same one she arrived with.

###

Noeul and Baekhyun end up taking separate taxis back to their dorms. He had a meeting with his coach, so he regretfully bid goodbye to her.

She could tell from the unfulfilled expression on his face. Somehow, his gaze lingered even when her back was turned. Like maybe he wanted to do more than watch her leave.

Noeul couldn’t find the right time to tell him, and it was already too late when she shut the door to her cab. Her anxiety pulses through the roof, but she decides that maybe she’ll just do it tomorrow.

When Noeul arrives back at her dorm, Seulgi is lounging on their little rug in the center of their room. She lies flat on her stomach, glasses propped up on the bridge of her nose and a messy ponytail. Seulgi always did look effortlessly pretty.

Noeul observes that Seulgi is typing rapidly, probably the last-minute consequence of procrastinating her paper. The sound of Noeul nudging the door closed behind her stirs Seulgi from her focus, and the latter pauses, glancing from her laptop screen to Noeul.

Seulgi absorbs the situation for a split second before she jumps up, greeting Noeul with a grin of her own. A grin that Noeul gladly returns as she sticks her arms out.

Seulgi practically barrels herself at the girl and bellows out a relieved laugh.

“Hi, you’re here,” Seulgi gushes, landing a kiss on her cheek.

“I’m back,” Noeul announces with happy relief.

“I missed you, girly,” she sighs.

“I missed you too.”

“How was your friend?” Seulgi asks. A relatively harmless question but it evoked a silence from Noeul. It wasn’t that Noeul couldn’t talk about it, but it felt wrong, somehow, to get used to the thought that Luhan was no longer here.

Noeul pauses before answering, “he’s not here with us anymore.”

Seulgi pulls back, her excitement dimming. She releases a low hiss like this information pained her. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

“Not at all,” she admits. “But I will be.”

“I was so worried about you, Noeul,” Seulgi says.

Noeul feels a tiny prick of guilt for not keeping up with Seulgi during her visit, but she hopes the girl understands that it wasn’t personal. It was hard for Noeul to focus on anything that wasn’t at face value.

“I’m glad you’re back, and you should be worried that I’ll go full mama bear on you,” Seulgi playfully admonishes.

Noeul snorts out loud at this. “So,” she begins, changing the topic. “What’d I miss?”

Seulgi’s jaw unhinges when she throws her hands up. “I have so much to tell you—“

During the time that Seulgi cheerfully chirps about campus gossip and catches her up with new campus couples and whatnot, time flies by. Luckily, Noeul was too distracted to contemplate too deeply about Baekhyun.

It’s completely dark out when Noeul finishes unpacking her things. She did have a list of assignments left to finish, but Noeul decides to take it easy for the rest of the night. From time to time, it was better to wing it.

When she checks the time on her phone, it already struck eleven, close to midnight. Noeul’s thoughts go straight to Baekhyun. She wonders if he’s settling in okay. Though, she tried not to fixate on him too much. He’d been occupying a part of her brain all day. It could be a good thing.

Or it could even be a bad thing.

However, Noeul doesn’t dwell too much on that thought. A little obsession couldn’t hurt.

Okay. So maybe it did get a little out of hand. She may have gone overboard on the fixation because the next thing she knew, Noeul finds herself flying down several flights of stairs of her dormitory to her campus’s bus stop.

With her sweatshirt halfway on, her first exam starting at ten in the morning tomorrow, and her priorities definitely not aligned; Noeul takes the bus, transferring lines until she’s headed straight to UC Berkeley.

The night is definitely chilly, and in fact, Noeul’s been shivering non-stop. But for some inane reason, none of this stops her. No amount of common sense or decency occupies her frontal lobe.

There are no questions. No what if I’m overstepping? What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if this is a big mistake?

Noeul is on such a high. It’s like being on top of the world, and regardless of the knowledge of the spike traps laid waste at the bottom, she’s practically unstoppable.

This felt so different from an ADHD fixation. This wasn’t some craving. It wasn’t just superficial desire. Certainly not like a rash purchase. No, this felt like something that she needed to do. So close to being on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in the same class of physiological needs.

She thought of the kiss they shared in front of the tattoo parlor. Filled with fireworks and explosions.

Why had she been so dense? Noeul should’ve realized then. She loved him. She always did, and regardless of the warped misshapen form of her love, he still wanted her. And he would have no one else but her.

That had to mean something.

In hindsight, Noeul could practically see the signs, rewinding and fast-forwarding, like she was seeing all of this on a VCR. His hands were all over hers, perfectly fitting into the grooves and curves of her body.

Where would she find someone who paid that much attention to her? Whose world was completely consumed by her just like she was by him?

It’d been more than that kiss. The evidence lay in the harmless nights they spent tonight together.

That was love. In the way that he could tell exactly what she needed. And vice versa.

In times of grieving, in times of happiness, words were always such a hassle, and Baekhyun and Noeul found more gravity in the silence anyway.

In some twisted way, Noeul’s always known the truth. The fact that she would never feel the same way with anybody else. It didn’t matter how many casual dates she went on. Nobody was good enough.

Noeul didn’t want to be alone. She couldn’t bear the thought of the distance widening between them. It was frightening. Kind of like the thought of losing something visceral.

When she arrives at the front gates of his university, Noeul comes to a full skid on her adrenaline-boosted compulsion. She had absolutely no idea where he lived on campus. So, what was she doing here? What did she even expect was going to happen?

Noeul pulls out her phone and shoots him a quick text. She tries to stay casual, but maybe her message came across as hysterical. It was hard to say whether he would be awake at this time or not. Maybe he was more sensical than she was.

Namely, because they both had exams tomorrow morning.

Still, she would love to see him right about now. The text goes to a delivered status. So, for a second there, Noeul loses hope, and her impulsivity dwindles, twirling down the drain.

Why exactly had she assumed he would come out in the middle of the crack of the night on a whim? She was being crazy. Noeul had been nothing but black and white on their status. How could she assume that he would even want to unpack this at twelve in the morning?

As Noeul turns to leave with her shoulders hunched over, she hears her name being shouted from a faraway distance. Spinning back around, she squints to make out a blurry figure in the dark.

Noeul imagines that her smile is bedazzling because Baekhyun’s expression falters like he’s somewhat dissolving at the sight of it.

She waves, trying to appear nonchalant. The speed of her heart pounding in her ribcage is anything but that.

His hair flies wildly, assuming from the fast footsteps as he practically flies across campus, closing the distance between them.

She ridicules herself for ever thinking how she could possibly miss out on this. To live an entire life without him in it. And with him standing across from her, everything else felt needless, nothing but a cloud drifting mindlessly away.

His pupils dilate like he can’t really fathom that she’s standing right in front of him.

“Hi,” she says, hopefully confirming to him that she really does exist at this moment.

“Hi,” he responds cautiously.

Noeul lets out an amused chuckle. “I can see that you took your time. It’s been—“ She wrinkles her nose, showing him her phone screen. “Ten, fifteen minutes?” Of course, she’s just teasing him.

A flush spreads on his cheeks. He’s taking her a bit too seriously. “Well, I didn’t want to keep you waiting long. It’s cold and—“

He cuts himself off, eyes anchored on her sweatshirt. More accurately, it’s the same one he threw at her.

“Oh,” he breathes out, shuffling awkwardly.

Noeul discerns between his heaving chest and the thin t-shirt he has on. He was probably in bed, half-asleep before he ran out to see her. On top of that, he forgot to pull on a sweater. Giddiness and adoration bubble inside of her stomach.

“Are you cold?” She asks.

“No,” he lies half-heartedly. It was the teeth-chattering that gave it away.

Bemused, Noeul takes a step closer, holding out her arms. Baekhyun stares, continuing on his train of being utterly shocked by each and every one of her actions tonight.

Maybe part of the shock came from the fact that her initiation didn’t have a reason behind it. It wasn’t because she needed comfort from sadness but because she simply needed to.

Noeul feels a laugh tumble from as she latches onto him, throwing her arms around his neck. His breath catches, and she hears the sharp tick of it right over her ear. He comes to his senses, winding his arms around her waist and tightening them like he never wanted to let go.

“This is real?” He asks.

“I think we can stop pretending now. It’s not fair of me to prolong the inevitable—right, starboy?”

Noeul using his old nickname drives him to pull back momentarily to give her an extremely rattled look. His pupils quiver, and it makes her laugh for the nth time.

“I love you,” she tells him. “I’ve loved you for a while, but I’m sure you already know that.”

Baekhyun blinks. “Yeah, but—“ He closes his mouth, then, opens it to say, “give me a second. I need to process this.”

Noeul waits, and then she continues, “I’m sorry for abandoning you. I’m sorry for not considering what you want. I’m sorry for being so blind this entire time, for playing with your feelings, for being a moron—“ She halts from her babbling. “Maybe I should have called ahead?”

His burst of laughter is silvery and melodic, and Noeul knows she’ll never get tired of listening to it.

“You really are something,” he mutters to himself. Wiping the tears from the corner of his eyes, he bites down on his bottom lip to cave the rest of his infectious laughs. “Did you really contemplate a thing before you rushed here like this?”

Noeul tilts her head. “I was more focused on the big picture. We can always work out the details later.”

“We?”

“Am I being too presumptuous? . Do you remember when I just grabbed your face and asked if you liked me?”

“If I recall properly…twice?”

“I don’t think I was wrong. I think the first time with the exception of that nasty fight—you liked me.”

“You liked me too,” he insists.

Noeul nods like it’s obvious. “Well, yeah. I’m a terrible liar.”

Baekhyun snorts. “At least you’re self-aware.”

“Okay, we need to be serious,” Noeul chides.

He interrupts her by planting a kiss on the side of her lips, and just like that, she immediately forgets her next words.

“Continue,” he teases.

Noeul groans. “I’m serious.”

“No, I’m serious.” Of course, he says that as he gently brushes his lips over the moles on her cheeks.

Noeul is so weak to his advances that she ends up being caught in his game for another minute or so. Then, she pushes at his chest to stop him because she really needed to say this.

“We at this relationship thing,” Noeul surmises.

Baekhyun an eyebrow up, deciding between being offended or amused.

“I might break up with you again,” she tells him. “No matter how many times we scream at each other or disagree over my life decisions—I want you to know that you’re my endgame.”

He’s all easy smiles when he says, “a little toxicity won’t hurt. There’s always the fact that our birth parents are either dead or missing.”

Noeul feels a little breathless because he’s perfect. This unconventional, yet misshapen love that they have. It’s all she ever wants.

“If we ever do drift apart, I’m sure Lu will slap us back in line.”

“One way or another, my brother ends up bringing us back together, doesn’t he?”

The moon is full tonight when they look up. It’s a wonderful coincidence. Kind of beautiful and symbolic in a way. Noeul reminisces, “when you asked me if the moon was beautiful, you were trying to tell me that you loved me, weren’t you?”

Baekhyun thumbs the apple of her cheek. “I still can’t believe it, doll.”

“What?”

“That I’m face to face with the girl I spent seventeen years pining for.”

“Baekhyun?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for not giving up on me.”

Baekhyun inspects Noeul for a really long time. “That night my mother died, I really contemplated giving up. In a way, my encounter with you saved my life. So, really, I should be thanking you for pulling me out of the deep end.”

Noeul feels a warmth trickle down her spine, melting into a pool of liquid gold. Sometimes, she wondered if the universe did this on purpose. If it was planned. All of this. How their lives were so intertwined at every second. They were connected by more than a red string of fate.

It was extraordinary. Something right out of a storybook fairytale.

Noeul believes that people may be wrong about adulthood. Age isn’t a magic number. It doesn’t tell you how to act or what to do when you hit a certain number. Maybe it’s a guideline. Or a suggestion. Adulthood doesn’t mean you know everything about yourself.

It’s about the choices you make when you find yourself face to face with the god of Janus. He may not have all the answers, but he can offer you a key. And from there, life begins at the click of a lock.

And if you open the door, you may just stumble on the story of a boy and a girl finding solace from the relentless world. Together. Where they belong.

[a/n] warning: really long message ahead

wow. deep breath out. yes. you too. take one right now. because i can tell you that you probably experienced like the entire spectrum of emotions after reading this entire story.

this has been the most difficult story i’ve ever written. i’m not talking about the prose (i’m sorry but istg sometimes my prose is so cringe ughhh). it’s probably the amount of complexities i put into this ff.

throughout janus, i felt like i grew up with noeul and baekhyun, yk? like it was so personal to me. whenever they felt pain, whether it was personal or inflicted by one another, —it hurt so badly. because honestly. i fell in love with them. like on a visceral level. they felt so tangible. like i plucked them out of this world.

also luhan. hands down to one of my favorite characters. he’s based off of the parts of us that can’t handle serious things without making jokes to lighten up. he’s literally the key component of this story. i gave him the biggest role because he pushed baekhyun and noeul through the last stages of their character development. our protagonists have a terribly warped view of family and bonds so to me, this story was more than telling their romance.

it was them learning to accept each other, and in that, accepting themselves. because they are so similar to each other. this is self-love at its finest. and of course, found family trope! *chef’s kiss*

i do want to apologize for taking months to complete this story. in a way, it feels like i’ve kind of disappointed you guys when i dipped and worked on other stories. in the beginning, i wasn’t really serious about this project but it became really important to me. the characters grew on me, and it was hard writing the really painful sections. i started to dread writing it. my mind would blank whenever i tried. there were just so many levels of complexities that resonated with me.

but i did end up picking it back up and sprinted to the end (we made it!!!). i want to dedicate this story to every single reader of janus. to everyone who commented and waited for me to update, thank you for believing in me. you have no idea how much motivation i got to finally end this journey. i love you all. even my silent readers! i’m sorry for making you suffer. i know y’all sobbed your eyes out through this entire thing.

this story means a lot to me. and to be completely honest, this is my favorite story that i’ve ever written. sometimes, when i read this, i still get imposter syndrome.

i know aff has been dying in terms of readership, and i see these lows sometimes. but i never want to put that pressure on any of you. i don’t mind if you don’t comment. i just hoped that you guys enjoyed this story to the end. funny story. my therapist asked me if i ever considered charging my readers and i was like never. i know what it’s like to be a reader. also, i’m an anti-capitalist myself. fan fiction is this sacred space for me to share my stories that i would otherwise never put down on paper.

anyway. keep an eye out for an epilogue any time this week. other than that, this is probably going to one of my last stories for a while. i’m not sure when i’ll be back, and if i am, idk whether my loyal readers will be here or not. special thanks to everyone who continuously read my stories since disjecta membra. you guys are literally so awesome and literally the main reason i continued to write. bye guys! <3